I come home from work to find Phillip’s mother surrounded by bags.
“Looks like someone’s been shopping,” I observe.
“I have been. I got so many cute little pajamas for the baby. And some toys. I also bought an assortment of diaper sizes. Oh, and look.” She grabs my hand and pulls me into the entryway, pointing toward our dining room.
I swallow hard. “You bought us a picture. Of a storefront in Paris.”
“Your dining room looks so pretty since you got the new chairs, rug, and curtains, but that wall just looked bare.”
“We were waiting to get a painting at the art fair this fall.”
“Oh, well, now, you don’t have to!”
“Uh—” I start to say, but she pulls me back into the living room and distracts me with adorable baby clothes.
She pulls out a list. “Phillip found this list of baby needs online. I’m working my way through it.”
“You don’t have to buy all this stuff,” I tell her. “It’s really nice of you though.”
She gives me a beaming smile. “I tell everyone I see that I’m going to be a grandma. I can’t wait. I noticed Phillip has been baby-proofing.”
“Yes, I suspect he’s going to build a plastic bubble over the house soon.”
She laughs. “He’s pretty excited. I think he’ll be a very good father.”
“I think he will be, too. Although I’m going to have to hide the pregnancy bible. He keeps reading the worst-case scenario section.”
“That’s normal for a first-time dad, and I can see it being important to Phillip. He’s a Boy Scout. He’s always supposed to be prepared.”
“That’s true.” I laugh.
She looks up at the ceiling and then says somberly, “I’m sad your parents aren’t here for this.”
Her sudden change in conversation catches me off guard, and her words fill me with sadness.
“I am, too.”
“I think it’s part of the reason I’m going a bit overboard on the clothes and toys. Can you imagine the fun your mom and I would have had shopping together?”
“She did love to shop.”
“This is something she would have bought,” she says, showing me a pink onesie with an attached tutu, flower ribbons, a matching floral headband, and socks. “She dressed you like this when you were little. All pink, flowers, and glitter.”
“Until I learned the word no.”
“You always wore dresses. In fact, you didn’t actually ever crawl. You did this weird handstand thing because when you were on your hands and knees, you would crawl onto your dress and get stuck.”
“That’s funny. I didn’t know that.”
“I also bought a bunch of baby hangers. Do you have time to go put this stuff in the nursery?”
“Yeah, let’s do it. Hang on though. The baskets I ordered for the changing table came in. We can put all the diapers away, too.”
We’re organizing all her purchases when my phone rings.
“Hey,” Phillip says. “My car won’t start. You might have to come pick me up.”
“That’s fine. I’m at home.”
“What are you doing?”
“Your mom and I are folding baby clothes.”
“Cool. Hang on; I’m going to pop the hood and check the battery connection.” I hear the car door shut and then him opening the hood. “What the heck? You’re never going to believe this.” He laughs loudly.
“Believe what?”
He chuckles again. “I’ll have to send you a picture.”
“Uh, okay. So, do you need me to come get you or not?”
“Not,” he says. “I’ll be home soon.”
A few seconds later, a photo pops on the screen.
Lying on top of the engine is the gnome wrapped in a battery cable.
Me: OMG! That’s HILARIOUS!!!
A short while later, Angel comes tearing into the nursery and drops the gnome in my lap. I notice she’s chewed off the top of its hat. She runs over and gives Mrs. Mac a sloppy kiss, and then she steals a baby headband and takes off running down the stairs.
Phillip comes upstairs a few minutes later to return the headband and see all the baby clothes we’ve amassed.
“You do realize, Mom,” he says, “that the baby could be a boy.”
“I know.” She laughs. “Little girl clothes are just so precious. Have you thought about names yet?”
“Yes,” Phillip says. “If it’s a girl, we’re going to call her Haley James Mackenzie.”
“Oh, I love that. It’s just precious!”
“I’m glad you like it,” I say.
“It was my choice,” Phillip says proudly.
“And what about a boy?” she asks.
“We can’t seem to agree on a boy’s name,” Phillip tells her.
“What are your options?”
“Well, I like the name Otto, and Jadyn likes the name Chase. We had a whole bunch of other names but have rejected them all for various reasons.”
“Otto is different,” his mom says. “Otto what?”
“Man,” I joke.
“Otto Man?” she repeats.
“Yeah, like an ottoman. Although we might go old school and name him Ottoman Empire Mackenzie.” I laugh. “We’re going to have to come up with a compromise name.”
“You guys up there?” We hear Danny’s voice wafting up the stairs.
“Yeah, we’re in the nursery,” I yell back.
Angel sprints out of the room, and I hear Danny talking to her. “Oh, look at you. You’re getting so tall, and you’ve got such big feet.”
“We’re heading out to the deck,” Phillip yells down to Danny. “Grab some beers.”
Mrs. Mac looks at the time and rushes out of the nursery. “Oh, I need to go freshen up. Your father and I are going out to dinner with some clients tonight.”
Phillip gives me a kiss and says, “Well, the baby will have plenty of clothes.”
“Yeah, your mom is having fun. I wish that were all she was buying.”
“Uh-oh. What else did she get?”
I lead him down the stairs and point toward the picture on the dining room wall.
“It’s not awful,” he says.
“Phillip, I chose every single detail of this room. We agreed to get a piece of artwork this fall. Remember?”
“I do.”
“And we wanted that artwork to be special, remember?”
“I remember, Princess.”
“So, can you please ask her to take it back? Along with the chicken coop?”
Phillip sighs and rubs his temple. “I’ll talk to her.”
“Yay! Thank you!” I reward him with a kiss.
Angel is scratching at the deck door because Danny is out there, beer in hand.
“What’s up?” Phillip asks him as we sit down at the patio table.
“It’s a gorgeous day, and it’s beer o’clock. Since I can’t talk my wife into having a beer, I thought I’d come over here.”
“Angel, go get ’em,” Phillip says to her, pointing at the geese meandering just outside our iron fence.
Angel tears down the stairs and runs through the grass, barking.
“Those geese drive her nuts.”
“She’s a hunting dog; they should,” Phillip says. “She loves the backyard.”
Angel barks again for good measure when the geese fly off. Then, she trots across the fence line with her tail high in the air.
“Look at her strutting around. She looks like Danny on the football field,” I tease.
She sees a squirrel and chases it.
Danny rolls his eyes at me and takes a pull of his beer. “The squirrels seem to enjoy teasing her.”
“As long as she doesn’t catch one. She brought me a dead frog the other day. Came in all bouncy and dropped it on the basement tile. I screamed.”
The boys chuckle, and then Phillip says, “So, Danny, you’re heading to LA tomorrow?”
“Yeah, meeting with my agent.”
“About another endorsement deal?” Phillip asks.
“Yeah. Don’t laugh.”
“What? Do they want you to model underwear or something?” I wonder.
Danny nods. “Compression shorts. I’ll be shirtless.”
“That will be hot. Women would all buy them.”
“The shoe deal made sense. I don’t know about this one.”
“Why not? Will Lori be mad?”
“I haven’t even told her about it. Probably won’t until it’s a done deal. I just mean that I thought endorsements would highlight my athletic abilities, not exploit my body.”
“Says the man who enjoys strip clubs,” I cough.
Danny laughs. “True.”
“You know, Danny,” I say, “Tom Brady is a good quarterback, but why do you think so many women cheer for him?”
“Because he looks good in his underwear?”
I nod. “Exactly. He’s hot.”
“He’s also married to a supermodel.”
“They do make a really pretty couple. My point is, he does ads for more than just sports-related merchandise. He’s done underwear, cologne, shoes, watches, clothing labels, and cereal. I read that he makes million a year just off that. And you’re younger and better-looking than he is. I know you earn plenty, but why wouldn’t you want to make more? You could put it into your charity, set up a trust fund for your kids, or use it as fun money.”
“You sound like my agent,” Danny says with a grin. “What about you, Phillip? Would you pose in your underwear?”
Phillip looks at Danny like he’s nuts. “Uh, in a heartbeat. Are you kidding? All those women drooling over me? I’d love it.”
He gives me a little smirk.
Danny says, “Maybe you can be in it with me. Hell, your abs are thicker than mine.”
“That’s only because you still need to be fast on your feet. Gotta be able to get away from those defenders.”
“Yeah,” Danny says, nodding. “Hard to believe it’s going to be my second season. Training camp starts soon.”
“When does it start?”
“August fourth.”
“Back to living in a dorm?”
“Yep, it’s like freshman year in college. Some of the older guys get their own room, but most of us have a roommate. Honestly, last year, I was so freaking tired; I could barely stay awake to call Lori. I’m really going to miss Devaney.”
I notice he doesn’t mention missing his wife, but I don’t say anything.
Angel comes up the stairs and drops a tennis ball at Phillip’s feet.
“I’m gonna grab her a bully stick,” he says, running in the house and then giving her one.
Angel furiously wags her tail and then plops down on the deck, chewing contently.
A few minutes later, she’s asleep.
“I don’t know what’s in those things,” I say, “but they’re like doggy crack. Only they lull her to sleep.”
“You do know what those are made out of, right?” Danny asks.
“Mean kids?” I tease.
Danny laughs.
“I’m kidding. I assume they are a beef product. From a bull. Like jerky.”
“No, they’re—” Danny stops in the middle of his sentence when Phillip bugs his eyes out and makes a shushing sound.
“Wait. Why don’t you want me to know, Phillip?”
“Because they’re made out of a bull’s penis,” Danny says, cracking up.
“Oh, gross! She shouldn’t be eating that!”
“No, she should be sucking on that!” Danny quips.
I tightly shut my eyes. “Don’t make sexual jokes about my baby puppy.”
“Couldn’t resist.” Danny laughs.
“A bull’s penis, really?”
Danny and Phillip both nod.
I look down at Angel, still happily nibbling it in her sleep, and decide I’ll continue to pretend it’s just beef jerky.
