Damon comes barreling into my room, unannounced. He was kind of pissed at me yesterday after Mom told everyone to go home, and I maybe fibbed to him about why I was in trouble, mentioning some chores I hadn’t done. As my best friend who happens to live next door, it’s certainly not unusual for him to just come over, but today, he seems stressed. And Damon is the least stressed person I know.
“I had to get out of the house,” he says, plopping down on a chair in the corner of the room. “My sister is freaking out.”
And I can’t help it. My eyes immediately glance out my window to his sister’s bedroom window.
My mom was right. I’m not at all over her. I just feel stuck. I also know that, like many of my other friends, she’ll be leaving for college next weekend. Which means I don’t have much time left to fix things.
Or apologize for yelling at her yesterday.
“What’s she freaking out about?” I ask.
“She’s leaving for college today, and she’s still not packed.”
“Wait, what?! Why is she leaving so soon? School doesn’t start for another week,” I say in a panic.
Damon rolls his eyes at me as he picks a football up from the floor and starts tossing it in the air and catching it.
“Rush week starts tomorrow. Apparently, Mom made a list of what Dani should wear each day, and she couldn’t find one of her pairs of shoes. She lost it. Started crying. I told her she needed to get her shit together. That she couldn’t go to college, acting like a big baby. To which Jennifer gave me a dirty look, gave Dani a big hug, and took her into her closet to find a similar shoe. So, fine, I’m thinking, Okay, that’s settled. We’re all good. But Dani’s still babbling about how she’s worried she can’t take enough regular clothes and blah, blah, and I was like, You’re a few hours away. It’s not like you can’t just drive home. Or call for the plane. Both she and Jennifer looked at me—the voice of reason—like I’d just told them to go eff off, so I figured it’d be safer over here.”
My eyes go back to the window. Even though Dani and I haven’t been close, at least I still get to see her. She sits on her window seat and reads or talks on her phone, and she goes to my and Damon’s games and to most of the family events. She’s here. I see her every day. And it makes me sad to think that I won’t anymore.
“I’m hungry,” Damon says. “Let’s go raid the fridge.”
“You go on down.”
“What’s wrong with you?” he asks me.
“Nothing. Just sick of chores. I’ve gotta put these clothes away quick, so Mom doesn’t get mad about it.” Fortunately, there’s a laundry basket full of clean clothes on my desk.
“Cool,” he says, wandering out, yesterday apparently forgiven.
He goes down the hall, and I hear him stop and talk to my sister, Haley, who is probably in her room, doing the same. Our family’s weekend chores.
I know what I’m about to do makes no sense. But nothing since the day we stopped being friends ever does.
I grab a piece of paper and start writing.
I look at it.
Laugh at myself.
Wad it up and throw it in the trash.
I grab another sheet and start over.
There are six rejects in the bin before I finally settle on a winner. Or at least, the best of the stupid things I wrote.
After I get my clothes put away, I deal with the note, then shut my curtains, and go down to the kitchen.
“Dude, you didn’t tell me today was cinnamon roll day,” Damon says, sitting at the counter, happily eating one of my mom’s practically legendary rolls.
“I didn’t know,” I say, surprised the smell didn’t wake me.
“I made some to send to college with Dani,” my mom says. “And a bunch of cookies and a basketful of snacks.”
Damon paws through the basket. “She’ll gain her freshman twenty her first week.” He laughs. Damon always finds himself hilarious.
“No, she won’t,” I say, standing up for her. “Dani eats super healthy and is mostly vegan.”
“And they are all healthy snacks,” my mom says to Damon before turning to me. “Chase, would you do me a favor and run them over?”
Uh, no, I think, I can’t. But I know I need to. I want to tell her I’m sorry before she leaves.
But before I get a chance to even pick up the basket, Damon’s phone buzzes with a text.
“You can give it to her outside,” he says. “We’re all supposed to go say goodbye now.”
It was our dream.
Devaney
I have a bit of a packing crisis—okay, it was more than a crisis—over a pair of shoes. Actually, I couldn’t care less about the shoes. It’s more that I’m not sure I want to do this. Not sure I want to leave home. Not sure I even want to go to college. And really not sure I want to go through rush. Even though both my mom and Jadyn have fond memories of being in a sorority, the idea seems antiquated in so many ways. Not to mention that you have to pay to be in one. Like I have to buy some friends to fit in. Jadyn told me what you pay is no different than joining a social club, a country club, or a business club.
Which I get. It just seems overwhelming, I guess. That starting tomorrow, I will meet hundreds of girls and have to decide which group of them I want to be friends with. Pledge my college years to.
Jadyn says to be myself. My mom told me to be a Diamond. Said that my name holds clout since my father is practically a football legend there. Even though she’s married twice since she and my dad divorced, she’s kept the Diamond name. She says it’s for me and Damon—so we share the same last name—but she likes the prestige it brings her.
Jennifer already has the car packed and ready to roll. I need to get down there, but I also just need a moment.
I sit on my window seat and take a deep breath. Try to calm myself. My eyes do what they always do when I’m in this spot—wander to the window across from me, to Chase’s room. I tilt my head in curiosity when I notice his curtains are closed and there’s a white sheet of paper taped to the window.
There is just one word written in a flowing script that isn’t Chase’s typical handwriting.
dream
I look down at my hand. At my empty ring finger. I took off the dream ring he had given me the second I got home on the day things ended. The day of our fight. A fight I’ve never fully recovered from.
I get up, go to my jewelry box, and stare at the ring. I look at it every day. I’m not sure if it’s for the hope my dream will come true or to punish myself for it not coming true.
But the sign feels like an olive branch.
I put the ring on and then trace my fingers across each letter, just like Chase did the day he gave it to me.
It was during the summer two years ago. Chase had just gotten back from quarterback camp, and I’ll never forget how he took my breath away when he stepped out of the car. He looked grown-up. Still his adorable, goofy self, but the truth was, my best friend had gotten really hot.
“Dani!” I hear being yelled out, bringing me out of my reverie.
I startle and decide to leave the ring on, but then I run into my closet, pull a photo out from underneath my jewelry box, and tape it to my window before I go.
When I get downstairs, I find my entire family, all the Mackenzies, and even the dogs—Angel and Winger—waiting for me. The kids are holding balloons, the dogs have on collegiate neckerchiefs, and there’s even a banner that says, Good Luck at College.
I get hugs and kisses from everyone, but when it’s Chase’s turn, I just stand there, frozen, looking up into his eyes, my emotions ping-ponging between sadness from the way he yelled at me yesterday to happiness from the sweet sign today.
He shocks me when he takes both my hands in his and says, “Good luck.” But he stops when his finger touches the ring. He doesn’t pull my hand up to look at it. He already knows what it says. “You haven’t worn that since—did you see my sign?”
I’m standing completely still, staring into his gaze. “Yes. And thank you,” I say as tears prickle my eyes.
He pulls me into a hug. Which doesn’t help. He hasn’t hugged me like this in what feels like forever. And I’ve missed it. “You’ll have so much fun at college; I know you will. Scope things out, get the lay of the land, and then your brother and I will be there with you soon.”
“You’re coming to Nebraska?” I ask. “Like, for sure?”
“Of course. It was our dream. Well, I mean, individually anyway,” he says, putting his head down.
Individually, not as a couple, is what he means. His dream, my dream, which is not the same as our dream.
Still, the hug, like the sign in the window, makes me feel like maybe, someday, we could be friends again. And when he unwraps his arms from around me, I’m not ready for him to let go.
“Take care of yourself, Dani.”
Those are the last words I remember hearing even though I got numerous well wishes and good-byes before I was loaded into the car. I turn to Jennifer, who is in the passenger seat next to me. She’s taking me to the airport, but both my parents are going to help me move in. Dad drove my car up to Lincoln yesterday and had a get-together last night with some old teammates. He’ll be meeting me and my mom there before flying back home with her.
“You feel like driving?” I ask Jennifer.
“Of course,” she says. She loves to drive.
Everyone has dispersed from the driveway, but Chase is still standing there with my brother and Haley, watching us.
When we get out of the car to switch sides, I can’t help myself. I rush toward Haley, throwing my arms around her, then Damon, and Chase, like I’m never going to see them again.
A package deal.
Chase
“Wow,” Haley says as we watch the car pull out of the driveway. “Dani hasn’t hugged me like that since …” She stops talking.
We don’t talk about that summer. Damon and my sister know what happened. Why everything changed.
“That summer,” I say. “It’s okay. We should be able to talk about it. We had a lot of fun together.”
“We did,” my sister says, frowning. “I tried. Like, for me and her to be close even though she and you weren’t. It’s like we’re a package deal or something.”
“And right now, we ain’t part of the package,” Damon drawls. “My sister is a smart girl, but sometimes, she can be really dumb. And as I always say, you can’t fix stupid.”
“But she hugged you, Chase,” Haley says, “not just then, but also before when everyone was saying goodbye. She hasn’t done that either.”
“I know,” I say. “Maybe …”
“Maybe what? Did something happen between you two?” Damon asks.
“No, we got into a fight yesterday. I yelled at her. That’s why Mom made me go to my room and told everyone to leave. But today, I don’t know … maybe the ice thawed a little.”
“It needs to melt,” Haley says. She wraps her arms around me and Damon. “Next year, when you two go off to college, I’ll be bawling. Seriously, I don’t know what I will do without you jerks around.”
Let go of it all.
Devaney
When Jennifer pulls out onto the tarmac, I see that my mother has already arrived. Once we get my bags out of the car and loaded onto the plane, Jennifer gives me a big hug.
“I’m going to miss you,” I say sincerely. “And the babies.”
“We’ll miss you, too. Enjoy rush and college.”
What she says makes me feel hopeful, but then I turn and greet my mother—the woman who has so many expectations of me. Of how I need to look. How I need to behave. And not because I want to act or look a certain way, but to impress those she deems worthy.
“Devaney, take a seat,” my mother says. “We aren’t due to take off for a bit, and I brought you here early, so we could have a chat.”
Oh boy. What did I do wrong now?
I sit as told and then really look at my mom. “Did you change your hair color?” I ask her.
Something about her looks … different. She looks softer somehow. Her hair is in loose curls that don’t seem to be held in place by a bottle of hair spray. Her makeup is a little less severe. Her clothes are obviously still designer, but she’s wearing a flowing dress that makes her look … well, more like me.
She grins at me. “I have a lot I need to tell you, sweetheart.”
When was the last time she called me that?
“Uh, okay,” I mumble out.
“First of all, yes, my hair is a different shade. More like our natural strawberry-blonde.”
“It’s pretty,” I tell her.
“Thank you.” She takes a deep breath. “Okay, here goes. Van,” she says, referring to her third husband—who is not just a friend of the billionaire Tripp Archibald, like I first thought, but he’s also his brother—“has been really good for me. He’s incredibly honest and humble, and because of him, I have been in counseling for about six months.”
My eyes get huge. “Counseling for what?”
“Me,” she says simply. “Van overheard me speaking to you one day and talked to me about it. He loves me, but he loves his family more than anything. The Archibald family, for all their money, have managed to stay incredibly close. He said it’s because their parents taught them to treat each other with respect. He felt that what I told you that day was not only disrespectful, but also possibly detrimental to you.”
“What did you say?” I ask, trying to figure out where this is all coming from.
“It doesn’t matter at this point, but I realized he was right. Since then, I’ve come to discover a lot about myself. The biggest thing is that I was—am—insecure when it comes to love. I loved your father so much when I married him, but before I’d met him, I’d had my own dreams. Dreams that, honestly, weren’t even mine. They were what my parents had told me I needed to do to succeed. When you hear something over and over, it becomes part of you. And it morphed into what I thought I wanted out of life.
“You might find it both funny and ironic that my parents were hard on me. They preached to me about getting excellent grades, going to medical school, becoming a doctor, and of course, marrying one. That was literally my life plan, all spelled out.
“My parents never went to college, but my father was smart and moved up in his company. My mother very much tried to keep up with the Joneses, and she always worried about what people would think of her. And, well, me.
“My first few years in college, I worked hard. I chose my sorority based on their grade point average and didn’t get involved with it any more than required. I didn’t like Jadyn and thought she was slutty because she hung out with so many guys. In some respects, she was the girl I wished I could be. No parents to tell her what to do. Crazy, carefree, and popular. Eventually, we became friends. And then she bribed me into going on a date with her best friend. Your father. I tried to resist his charm because I didn’t think marrying an athlete was in the cards for me. But I fell in love with him. We married. I got pregnant quickly. It was easy to get caught up in all things Danny Diamond.”
She pauses for a moment to take a sip of water. And it shocks me to see tears glistening in her eyes when she speaks about being in love with my dad.
“Things were great for a while, but then … your dad was famous. Girls cheered his name. I was jealous. Even of Jadyn. Your father and Jadyn were so close, and when I was pregnant, those insecurities rose to the surface. And when you were born, I was scared to death. I had always wanted to be a doctor, but being a mother seemed so foreign. I thought it was supposed to be natural, and when it wasn’t, I got rigid, trying to maintain a sense of control when, in reality, I had none. It led me to cheat on your father because I was searching for something.
“The counseling has made me realize that what I was searching for was me. I’ve never had a strong sense of self. I simply kept trying to fit myself into other people’s expectations. And that is hard.”
She smiles at me. “I’m still a work in progress, but it was really important for me to tell you all this today, before you go to college. I want you to try to forget any expectations you think I have. I promise you, starting today, you’ll get no more pressure or judgment from me. If you decide you don’t want to rush and you’d rather, I don’t know, join the Peace Corps, you’ll have my full support. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to carry the burden of family expectations with you to school.”
I throw my arms around my mom—something I haven’t done since before the divorce—and start crying. What a relief it would be if what she is saying is true.
“I had a meltdown over a pair of shoes,” I admit, trying to lighten the mood.
“Devaney, you’re an incredible young woman. Smart and sweet, and you’ve always had such spunk. I know the divorce was hard on you, and I know I’ve gone overboard in worrying about what others think. I know that’s affected you and possibly even your love life. Or so I’ve been told,” she says with another grin.
“By who?”
My mom glances at her phone. “Maybe I’ll let them tell you.” She gets up, goes to the plane’s door, and seems to motion to someone.
I’m shocked when Jennifer, who I thought was already well on her way home by now, and Jadyn, who I just said goodbye to at the house, come on board.
“They told you?” I practically stutter out. “But you don’t really like them.”
When I watch Jadyn and my mother hug though, it feels … genuine. Jadyn smiles, and the usual tension in her jaw when my mom’s around is gone.
“We’re all BFFs now,” Jennifer says, throwing her arm around my shoulders.
“What?” I say in shock.
My mother has tried to break Jennifer and my dad up on more than one occasion.
How could this possibly be?
Jadyn nods in agreement, and while I know she wouldn’t lie to me, I still stand here with my mouth hanging open.
“During my counseling,” my mother explains, “I examined past relationships. My insecurity, especially regarding Jadyn and Danny’s friendship, is what undermined my relationship with them both. We were all so close in college, and I hope, someday, we will be again.”
“And you forgave her?” I ask Jadyn. Because I don’t know if I can handle all this change at once.
Jadyn sits down next to me and pats my hand. It’s as comforting as always. “We had a few phone conversations, and then I went to her house for lunch. Five hours and a whole lot of tears and laughter later, it was healing—for both of us.”
Jennifer sits on the other side of me. “Similar deal. Only dinner. First with me and then with both your father and me. I’m a huge believer that when children are involved, no matter how old they are, coparenting is important. I’ve always wanted us all to get along. It makes life so much nicer. Happier.”
“One of the questions my counselor asked me,” Mom says, “was for the names of the two strongest women I personally knew. These two are who I immediately thought of. And thanks to Van believing in me and helping me on this path, I feel secure in a relationship for the first time in my life. It’s something I never felt with your father—or Richard for that matter. And this sounds crazy for someone who is taking her daughter to college today to say, but I feel like I’ve finally grown up.”
I stand up suddenly and hug my mother, tears falling again—this time not over the hurt she’s caused me, but from relief. “So, you’re not mad I’m not going to an Ivy League school?” I ask, still not quite able to believe this is happening.
“Nope. Your life is officially yours to live, and from now on, I’m going to support all your choices because I love you and don’t want you to turn out like me.”
This makes me cry harder.
“In fact, that’s why Jadyn and Jennifer are here. The three of us—together—with input from your roommate, designed your dorm room with love. And we want to be there with you when you move in.”
“And we hope you’ll love it!” Jennifer says.
“It’s our gift to you,” Jadyn says.
I hug them all again. I’m so overwhelmed, but I feel happy and loved.
I lie in my bed, staring up at my dorm room ceiling after everyone has left, and think about a lot of things.
The people I met during move-in. The ones I’ll meet during rush.
And about life.
My life specifically. How since my parents got divorced, I’ve sometimes felt like a rag doll, stuck in the middle of two kids, each pulling on an arm.
Could that really be over? Part of me isn’t sure how to handle this news. How do I just let go of it all?
I consider calling my brother, but he’s like a duck, conflict rolling off his back like water.
I touch the dream ring on my finger and picture Chase’s handsome face. He looked so good today.
And I can’t believe I’m going to do this tonight of all nights.
But I need to know.
Know if I deserve all the blame I have put on myself.
I scroll back in my phone and start to watch the video my friend took because she was so sure it was a moment I’d want to remember forever.
The day Hunter Lansford asked me to Homecoming.
I watch the first thirty seconds, and then I pause it and focus on what happened after.
And as I replay it all in my mind, I realize that, like my mother, I need to work on my own insecurities. I know confidence is in me. At cheer competitions when I was younger, I was the teammate who was never nervous, who was ready to face any challenge. Who didn’t fall apart when a routine wasn’t done to perfection. I could react on the fly, without a second thought.
It’s like I just lost it somehow.
I think about what my mom said earlier today about the most confident people she knew.
A memory immediately pops into my brain, and I see three smiling faces planning what was supposed to be our future together that summer in the Ozarks.
A place I’ve never been back to since.
It’s late, but I text her anyway.
Me: You still up?
Haley: Yeah. How’s your dorm? You get all settled?
I don’t reply. There’s too much to type, so I call her and tell her everything that happened today with my mom.
When I finish, she goes, “Wow. That’s a lot to digest. But it’s good, right? Probably weird though because I know you’ve always gotten a lot of pressure from her. And now, that’s all just supposed to be gone? I think that would feel a little weird, like a joke almost. Was it weird? Did she seem genuine? Like, with my mom and Jennifer?”
“Yeah, it did. And that is exactly how I’m feeling. I am not sure what to feel.”
“Well, the good thing is, you can go through rush with no pressure or family expectations, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, although somehow, I’m not convinced.
“Dani, I always looked up to you when we were kids. Actually, I wanted to be you. Never afraid. A fierce competitor. When your parents divorced—”
“It affected me,” I say, realizing now just how much.
“Which is understandable, but—”
“If my mom can find herself after being lost for twenty-some years, I ought to be able to do it, too.”
“Exactly,” Haley says.
“Truth,” I tell her, “the reason I called you is because my mom said that her counselor asked her to think of the strongest women she knew. She thought of your mom and Jennifer, but I thought of you. And Chase and Damon. All of us when we were on that trip in the Ozarks. Remember how we talked about running a business together? And you were all so sure. I wanted it, but I wasn’t confident about it the way you all were.”
“We were sure, yes. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t a little scared it might not work. That’s normal. Being scared isn’t a fault. Not recognizing it and letting it keep you from something you want, might be. What do you want, Devaney Diamond? And what kind of person do you want to be?”
“I don’t know, but I’d better figure it out quick.”
“Yeah, because I’ve really missed you.”
“Oh, Haley,” I say, feeling emotional for the thousandth time today.
“And I’m pretty comfortable with saying that goes for my brother, too. And just so you know, you don’t have to be dating Chase for us to all be friends again. The two of you just, well, you need to fix things—together.”
“Do you think that we could be best friends again?”
“I definitely do,” she says.
After saying goodbye, I hang up and go to sleep with a smile on my face.
Would hurt less.
Chase
I’m down in the kitchen, making a smoothie before bed.
“Say good night to Chase,” Mom says, walking by me with my baby sister in her arms.
“Nighty-nighty!” Emersyn says, leaning down to give me a kiss.
“Sleep tight.” I give her side a little tickle.
“Time for a tickle fight!” she yells back.
Dad comes in the room, swoops Emersyn out of Mom’s arms, and then whisks her off to bed. She’s shrill-laughing as he continues to tickle her.
“And don’t forget to turn out the light!” Mom yells as they leave.
I roll my eyes but can’t help but smile. My parents have had the same bedtime routine for us kids since, well, we were kids.
“Kinda sucks no one tucks me in anymore,” I say teasingly to my mom as I sit down at the table and move the slightly skewed place mat back into its proper place. I stop in my tracks, my grin immediately fading. “What’s this?”
“I had Dani sign the table,” Mom says simply, barely looking up from whatever she’s reading.
“But she already signed it.”
Mom glances up at me. “Yes, she did. When she was five. Her signature has changed a little since then. I thought I’d have all you kids sign it again when you turned eighteen, but then I decided to wait until you went off to college. She’s the first one.”
I look down at Devaney’s name scrolled beautifully above my place mat. “Why did she sign it here?”
Mom looks up at me again, her eyes narrowed. “I assume because there was space.”
“But this is where I always sit.”
“If it’s a problem, Chase, sit somewhere else.”
Instead of moving, I run my fingers over each letter. D-E-V-A-N-E-Y.
“You should have just let her carve it into my chest. Probably would have hurt less,” I mutter, letting out a huge breath of air.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Chase. Don’t be so dramatic. If you want to be friends with Dani again, you’re going to have to get over what happened in the past and at least meet her halfway.”
