After dinner with my family, I excuse myself to go to my room. I want to watch some game film of the opponent we’ll face tomorrow in the state championship game.
I barely get the video started when Dani walks in.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, shocked.
She stands up straight and tall, looking serious. “I want to explain why I did what I did that day on the field with Hunter because it got all mixed up.”
“It’s in the past, Dani. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“So are your games, but you still watch film of them, right?” she counters.
“Uh, yeah, I guess, but that’s so I can learn.”
“Exactly. And that’s why you and I are going to watch the video of that day together. I want to explain to you what I was thinking and why I said what I did.”
“The last thing I want to do is relive that day,” I say.
“You have to. That’s exactly how it is when you have a bad game. You don’t want to watch the proof of your suckage, but you do. And you, Chase, are an athlete, not just a quarterback. You’ve played soccer, tried hockey, you golf, play baseball, wakeboard, water ski, run track, and”—she smirks—“have even been known to play some sand volleyball.”
I sigh and roll my eyes at her, clearly remembering our conversation when she was cockblocking me that summer. “Do you have a point?”
“I do,” she says, and she’s smiling.
Why is she smiling?
“When you’re out there with the ball in your hand and your offensive line gives you time to make the play, there’s nothing to affect you; you perform at your peak. Differently than you would if you had to, say, scramble or you got a bad snap. I mean, who wouldn’t panic a little when a big lineman or a defensive end has one goal, which is to put you on the ground and make it sting a little?”
“And?”
“And when those things happen, you forget your perfect passing motion, you become the shortstop and throw it sidearm, you throw off your back foot. Sometimes, you’re so busy looking for a receiver that you don’t see that you’re open for the run. So, what do you do to get better, Chase?”
“Practice?”
“No, you watch film to figure out why you missed the wide-open guy downfield. You watch film to see why you threw an interception. And all I’m asking is for you to allow me to show you a different kind of film. One that didn’t just affect some game, but our lives. I know we’ve done our best to hide it from everyone. I know we’ve been cordial and spent time together with our families. I know that all those times, I put on a smile for everyone while my heart felt like it was breaking over and over again. We lost the big game, Chase, because I fumbled the ball at the end. Although watching the film did me some good because I realized just like in all games and relationships, it’s never one play that causes a loss. It’s a team effort. It’s a bunch of little mistakes. And I thought if I gave you a play-by-play of what I did, told you exactly what I was thinking at the time, what I was feeling, then maybe it might help us become friends again. For real this time.”
“Fine. I’ll watch it sometime,” I say noncommittally.
She grabs my hand and grins at me way too much, like she used to, and for a moment, I can pretend that things between us are normal.
“Sometime is now,” she says, leading me over to her house and down to their movie room, where it becomes very obvious she knew I’d agree to this.
Sometimes, I think I’d agree to anything she asked me.
But that day.
On the field.
When push came to shove, when she should have taken my hand and walked away with me, when we should have shown everyone.
It’s funny how life—just like a game—becomes a series of decisions, a series of consequences that follow those decisions, and how they push you down a path. For better or worse.
My life after that summer hasn’t been that bad. I’ve made incredible strides in my game. I’ve excelled in school. I have some really awesome friends and am blessed with a close, supportive family. So far, the only loss I’ve experienced is when we had to put my beloved dog to sleep. She’d slept under my crib when I was a baby and in my room with me for every one of my first thirteen years. Her loss devastated me. For months, even after Dani’s dad surprised us with a new puppy—our dog, Winger—I’d still want to call out to Angel or reach down from my chair to pat her head or give her some Cheetos.
With Dani, it was different. I lost her from my life, yet I didn’t. It was more like if Angel had told me she wanted to go live with another family, but I still had to see her, still felt the same way about her even though I was so hurt by her decision and even though all I wanted was for her to come back to me.
And here I am, stupidly agreeing to another one of Dani’s plans. The plans she never seems to follow through on.
My mom says that the trouble with trouble is that it always starts out as fun. She talks about how she and Dani’s dad used to get into trouble as kids, and I finally get why. He and his daughter share that same magnetism, that same smile. And while Damon also seems to have gotten a similar gene, I can reason with him. He’ll listen when I caution him. Devaney is a wild card—always has been. She rarely takes my advice, and sometimes, I wonder why she ever even asks for it.
And over in my room, I stupidly assumed she was making it up as she went, but when we arrive in the movie room, she grins at me, waving her hand toward a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses on the bar. The theater-style popcorn machine is full of freshly popped corn.
And I can’t decide if I should be mad at myself for allowing her to rope me into this or flattered that she went to the effort.
“I thought we might need this,” she says, pointing at the tequila. “To get through it. Together.” Her sentences are short and choppy. Coming out as she thinks them.
“I’m not drinking,” I say incredulously. “Tomorrow is the state championship.” I glance at my watch.
She takes my wrist in her hand, looking at the watch. “Your birthday gift. I’m sorry I slept with you on your birthday.”
“Yeah, whatever, and pretty soon, you’ll be back at school. What’s it got to do with anything anyway?” I react defensively, as if a lineman were getting ready to tackle me.
Dani pushes a tub into the popcorn machine, fills it up, adds melted butter, tops it with M&M’s, and hands it to me.
Why does she have to be the only girl who knows this? When I took Lacey to the movies, why could I never bring myself to order my favorite combination? Because it wasn’t our combination.
Don’t ever fall in love with your best friend, people. When it goes bad, the repercussions are far and wide.
Dani doesn’t reply to my comment. She takes the popcorn over and sets it down on a table in between our two favorite seats—third row back, middle of the row—then she comes back and pours us each a shot.
I try not to notice the sway of her hips as she walks toward me. The fact that her head is held high, her back straight. That she seems confident tonight.
I’ve relived the scene from the field so many times that I even dream about it. And every time, I get to that one pivotal moment where I reach my hand out and tell her to come with me.
She doesn’t.
And I wake up.
I had a tough time my freshman year, trying to win the respect of the upperclassmen, and not only did I lose her that day, but I also lost everything I’d worked for in that department. It didn’t help that, despite his suspension, Hunter Lansford made constant comments about her in the locker room. It took every ounce of my self-control not to punch him in the face daily.
But then again, it wasn’t his fault Dani had chosen him over me. And when we won the state championship again that year, he tried to play all nice, like he hadn’t tormented me all season even though he and Dani never ended up going to Homecoming together.
All that destruction in my life because some idiot had been trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous.
Every night, when I stare over at Dani’s window, I think about how if he had not asked her that day, things might have been different for us. But I know they probably wouldn’t have been. Devaney seems to have bad taste in guys. And I wonder what that says about me. Because for a brief, wondrous time, she chose me.
The second I think it, all the emotions and feelings come rushing back. The ones I constantly suppress. Even our friends-with-benefits time couldn’t cure it.
“This is a bad idea,” I say, shaking my head.
But I still take the glass.
She pauses, and I think she’s going to change her mind, but instead, she grabs the bottle, turns down the lights, and moves us to our seats.
“There’s a drinking game that goes with this.”
My eyes get huge. “You played a drinking game with your friends while watching this?” I’m so offended that I’m ready to throw this tequila in her face. Instead, I take a drink.
“No, Chase, I didn’t. But I have watched it a few times by myself. And for the record, you just drank without me. Without a toast first.”
I take in a breath, trying to control my erratic heartbeat.
She takes her seat, motions for me to do the same, and then holds up her glass.
“To us,” she says, causing me to roll my eyes. Because there is no us. No matter how hard I’ve tried. “So, the game goes like this—every time you want to cringe over something someone says, you drink. It doesn’t have to be the whole shot, and it probably shouldn’t be. I tried that with vodka—didn’t go well. Probably will never drink it again in my life. Thus, we’ve moved on to tequila. So, just a sip or a gulp sometimes seems to work best.” She pauses and looks into my eyes. “And the most important part, when either one of us wants a drink, before we actually take the drink, we have to pause the video and tell the other person what we were thinking at the time and what we wish we had said or done differently. Deal?”
She grins at me again. I clink the glass against hers. She takes a sip. I down the shot.
She pours me another and presses play.
I hit the remote, stopping it. “Do you really think we can just push rewind?”
“Yes,” she says.
“I don’t know, Dani. Sometimes, I think we can, but I just feel like regardless of what’s happened between us this year—becoming sort of friends again, sleeping together—we’ve had some really amazing moments, but no matter how great they are, they have felt kind of—”
“Hollow,” she says.
“Exactly. I feel like you weren’t ready.”
“I think, Chase, that maybe we weren’t ready.”
“What do you mean? I was in love with you. I was ready,” I say, considering downing shot number two.
“I mean, we, as a couple.”
“There’s a difference?” I scoff.
“I think so. And I know you think this is crazy, but I think if you’re brave enough to watch this with me—and I mean, the whole thing—it will make a big difference.” She hands me the remote. “Up to you.”
“Fine, on one condition. That you talk me through all of it. Tell me what’s happening the whole time.” I start to feel like I might cry. “And hold my hand. Through all of it.”
She doesn’t reply, just squeezes my hand.
I press play, and our football field appears in practically life-sized form on the massive movie screen in front of me.
“Okay, here,” Dani says, “you can see that I’m on the sideline with my squad. We just finished our workout, and we are now stretching and catching up.” She takes the remote from me. “I think I need to control this, or we’ll miss something and have to rewind. Anyway, I knew that I should have been listening to what they were saying, but my eyes were on you. Can you see that? The love in them? I was looking at you, Chase. You can’t see yourself right now in the video, but I remember it so vividly. You were wearing the red jersey that reminded the team not to hit you, and you had been working with Damon on his favorite route. Do you remember?”
“Yeah. We were doing the fly route. And actually, it’s both me and Damon’s favorite play.”
“Because he loves running fast and you love throwing long.”
“Exactly.”
“I was also studying your form—and I’m not talking about your sexy body. I could tell that you’d been to camp. Your throwing motion looked better, as did your wrist follow-through.”
“It’s really cool how you notice all that,” I tell her. “I know you want to be a reporter, but you’d probably make a good coach, too.”
She takes a deep breath. “Okay, here we go.”
“How was your summer vacation, Dani?” her squadmate Brandy asks on the screen. “Family trips kind of suck. Especially with no phones. Seriously, I don’t know how you survived.”
“Actually, it was pretty amazing. We had a lot of fun, doing family activity things together.”
“Sounds kind of lame,” her friend Shaylie says.
“It sounds better than my summer,” one of the sophomore girls pipes in. “We didn’t go anywhere. Had a staycation, which basically consisted of arguing over what pizza toppings and movie we wanted to watch on our family fun night.”
“If I have to hear about your family fun night again,” Brandy says in a voice that says she’s over it.
“Was there anyone cute there?” Megan inquires. “A hot surfer maybe?”
“We went to the Ozarks.” Dani laughs, shaking her head. “It’s a lake.”
She hits pause again. “So, what comes next is what I thought was my opportunity to ease them into the idea of you and me being in a relationship. Like we’d talked about.”
“Actually, I have something to tell you guys. Chase and I got sort of close this summer.”
“Close?” Shaylie scrunches up her nose.
“Yeah.” Dani smiles—beams really—and it makes my heart happy for a moment. “I’m not exactly sure how it happened. We’ve been friends for so long—” she starts before being interrupted.
“Wait. It?” Megan stares at her blankly. “You’re not saying that you hooked up with Chase, are you?”
“I wouldn’t call it hooking up—” Dani insists.
“Oh my God, you did!” Megan gasps, covering her mouth. “Was it hot?”
“Well …” Dani smiles at her, but when her cheeks flush, my stomach drops.
I eye the shot glass and let out a deep breath as I squeeze her hand. She hits pause.
“You blushed there. Were you embarrassed?”
“I was embarrassed because it had come out wrong or she had taken it wrong. I didn’t want her to think we were just a hook-up. In fact, this was the point where I decided that easing into it wasn’t going to work. I was going to tell her we were dating. That we were in love.”
“Really?” My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. “But I thought—”
“I know you did, Chase. That’s why we’re watching this. So you can know. I tried to tell you after, but you were so upset that you wouldn’t really listen.”
I pick up the glass and take just a sip. “Okay, keep going.”
“Uh, it totally was,” Megan says, shaking her head. “Wow. Who knew getting stuck in the Ozarks would end up being so much fun? I thought you’d go there and die of boredom.”
“No, actually, my trip was, well, in one word, amazing.”
“Okay,” Megan says slowly, her eyes narrowed. “But wait. You don’t have, like, feelings for Chase, do you?” And she’s looking at Dani like the answer should be no. And it makes me understand a little of the pressure she felt.
“We got close this summer,” Dani reiterates.
“Yeah, we heard. But come on. I mean, a summer fling is one thing. And don’t get me wrong, Chase is cute. He’s a great quarterback. But he’s your little. Brother’s. Best. Friend. Besides, I thought you were talking to Hunter. Although how were we to know? No phones and all. Anyway, look!” Megan says, pointing to Hunter, who is now on camera, walking toward Dani.
Brandy jumps up off the turf and smiles in Hunter’s direction. Almost like she expected him.
“Diamond,” Hunter says to Dani, giving her the kind of cocky smirk that makes me want to go punch the screen. “Come here.”
“Uh …” she says.
“Go,” Megan urges, pushing her shoulder.
“Why would I want to talk to him?”
“Because he’s the hottest senior,” she says.
“Who blew me off,” Dani mutters as she pulls herself up off the ground and marches over toward Hunter.
“What were you thinking here?” I dare to ask because what I thought—that she was happy about him asking—isn’t showing on her face.
She looks pissed at him.
“Honestly, I wanted to punch that smug smile off his stupid face. I couldn’t imagine what he would have to say to me. He was supposed to call me every day. And he had, like, once. In three weeks? And now, he wanted to talk to me?”
“That’s the take-no-shit Dani I know and love,” I say with a smile even though tears are prickling my eyes.
She takes a sip of her shot. “It’s hard to watch. I know. I’m sorry.”
“I think maybe it’s me who should be sorry. Were you really going to tell them that you were in love with me?”
She closes her eyes and nods. “I was. What we had—it was special, Chase. And I know that I was nervous about it, about telling everyone. But when push came to shove, I wasn’t going to let some stupid, vapid girls stand in the way of what I wanted.”
I lean over and press my lips against hers. It’s just a soft kiss. But one I have to give her. When I lean back, her eyes look like mine, shimmering with tears.
“Maybe we don’t need to watch the rest,” I tell her. “I get it.”
“No, I think we do,” she says. “Remember how I said we weren’t ready? That we included you. And I don’t want us to make the same mistakes again. I want to get it all out. Then put it behind us. Learn from our mistakes.”
“Okay,” I say as she starts the video again.
“What?” Dani says, crossing her arms tightly in front of her chest in determination.
Hunter shakes the football in his hand toward the end zone and says, “Go long. I know you can catch.”
Dani squints her eyes at him, then says, “No,” and turns away.
Mostly, probably, because she hates being told what to do.
“Dani,” Brandy says, rushing toward her with a horrified expression and pushing her toward Hunter.
“What?” Dani asks her.
“Just do it. It’s Hunter. He likes you. He told me.”
“More like he’s still in love with Taylor, and they are back together,” Dani whispers back, looking frustrated.
“You’re so out of the loop. They are not. At all. And trust me, you’re going to love this. Just go out for the damn pass.”
Dani looks behind her and sees that the cheer squad has now formed a semicircle behind her, almost pushing her toward him.
“Come on, Diamond,” Hunter heckles. “I thought you said you could play just as well as your brother?”
A group of football players come into view, and you can hear a few snickers over his taunting of her.
Dani narrows her eyes at Hunter in challenge.
And I know exactly what she’s thinking. The girl doesn’t back down from a challenge, and she certainly knows how to catch a football.
She takes off, jogging from the twenty-yard line, where I am stretching, to the end zone.
Hunter tosses her the ball. And it’s not a very good throw.
His spiral is wobbly, and the pass is too high, but she leaps up and grabs it anyway.
The cheerleaders break out in, well, cheers.
And then the camera flashes to the scoreboard, where a message is running across it.
YOU JUST SCORED A DATE TO HOMECOMING.
Hunter runs up to Dani. “Pretty creative way to ask, right?”
The cheer squad is clapping, yelling out their names, “Hunter and Dani. Hunter and Dani. Go!!! Hunter and Dani!”
Dani is wide-eyed. Not saying anything.
I watch as her eyes seem to frantically search the crowd off camera.
I don’t ask her to pause it, but she does.
“Based on the look on my face, what do you think I was thinking and doing?”
“Well, you don’t look happy.”
“I wasn’t. I was surrounded by people, and I was trying to find you in the crowd. I wanted you to know that I hadn’t expected this to happen. I never would have gone out for the pass if I had known. Brandy and Megan rushed up to me and told me they’d helped him plan it. They thought I was so lucky. Hunter was getting high fives, but all I could think about was you. How it must look. How I needed to get out of there. Also, I should point out, I never said yes.”
“No, you didn’t.” I take a deep breath and take another sip.
“Why did you just drink?”
“Because I think I know what happens next.”
She presses play, and I was right. When she moves toward an open space in the crowd, Hunter picks her up, swings her around, and kisses her.
“That,” she says, “was a horrible kiss, by the way. He shoved his fat tongue in my mouth. I felt like I was going to cry. I wanted nothing more than to get away from him.”
“That’s when I got involved.”
“Yeah.”
“This part I’ve seen. It’s been a while though.”
“We’re going to have a great year, Dani,” Hunter says, slinging his arm around her again.
“Let go of me!” she says to him, struggling to get out of his grip.
“Oh no, you don’t, Diamond. We’re going to celebrate.” He whispers suggestively but loud enough for everyone to hear, “All night long.”
“Get your hands off her,” I hear myself say as I rush up to the asshole.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Hunter says, holding up his hands. “Relax. Dani and I are just having some fun.”
“It doesn’t look like Dani is having fun. She is trying to get away from you. She even told you point-blank to let go of her,” I say in her defense.
The cheerleaders back up at my outburst, expecting a fight. And they are right to do so because I am pissed.
“What are you, like, twelve? Obviously, you don’t know girls. Just because she said it doesn’t mean she meant it. It’s called playing coy. Dani and I have had lots of fun together already. Right, Dani? And we’re going to have lots more. I always get my way,” Hunter says, shooting Dani a wink and then giving me a look that causes me to visibly flinch.
Dani pauses the video again.
“I was pretty pissed at this point,” she says. “Because I was like, Did he really just say that he could do anything he wanted to me?”
“I was ready to kill him, honestly,” I say. I’m breathing heavily, like it’s happening now, not more than two years ago.
“And do you want to know what my next thought was?”
“Uh, maybe?”
“That if you and Hunter got into a fight, you could get kicked off the team. I didn’t want that to happen. That’s why I was so upset. He wasn’t worth you risking your dream.”
Tears form in my eyes again. “That’s what you don’t get, Dani. It’s that you were worth it. I never thought once about the repercussions. I just knew that I needed to protect you.”
“Which was the problem. But now, since we know that you didn’t end up getting in trouble, we can watch it and enjoy this. In fact, I might have rewound it and watched it a few times,” she says with a laugh.
And I can’t help but laugh with her. “Let’s see it.”
I watch as I throw a right hook, following through with my hips, like I do with a pass. A motion that adds the momentum of my body to propel the pass further or, in this case, puts the weight of that motion behind my fist, which lands squarely on Hunter’s jaw.
“If you touch her again,” I say to Hunter, venom in my voice.
“Of course, Hunter wasn’t smart enough to just go down,” Dani says with a laugh as on-screen Hunter makes an obscene gesture, causing me to jump on top of him, pin him to the ground, and punch him in the face again.
“Dani! Do something!” Megan yells out.
“Chase, stop it!” Dani yells, rushing toward us.
But within a second, Damon pushes through the crowd, shoves Dani out of the way, and pulls me off Hunter.
“What the fuck?” Hunter yells, spitting out a mouth full of blood.
“Don’t you ever talk about Dani like that again,” I growl at him.
“Chase!” Dani hisses at me.
And if things weren’t already bad enough, this is where things go south fast.
“This moment, coming up.” I say, feeling my emotions rise to the surface again as I hit pause. “I think I’ve seen enough. I’m sorry. I should have trusted you. It wasn’t your fault. I’ve blamed you this whole time. And you’ve taken it. Why?”
She lowers her head, looking down at her hands, which are twisted up in a blanket. “Because you didn’t have faith in me. In us. It was a big blow, Chase. To me. To my heart. And I didn’t want you to get kicked off the team. While I appreciated your help, it kind of wasn’t your battle. It was mine. You never gave me a chance to handle it.”
I throw back the rest of my shot. Rub my hands across my face. Press play.
“Dani, let’s go,” I say to her even though I’m not looking at her. My eyes are still locked with Hunter’s.
“You need to put your little sophomore on a leash,” Hunter says to Dani, standing up and wiping the edge of his mouth on his shirt.
“Shut the fuck up, Lansford.” It’s Damon who speaks this time.
“Oh, am I going to have a problem with you, too, Diamond?” Hunter retorts.
“You’re not worth it,” Damon says, shaking his head. He grabs ahold of my shirt tightly to keep me from lunging at Hunter again.
“Dani, we’re leaving. Now,” I say, looking Dani in the eye.
When she doesn’t move, I wrap my hand around her arm.
“Oh, so that’s what’s going on here?” Hunter calls out with a sharp laugh. “Dani, did you go slumming on the family vacay with your little brother’s best friend? And now, he’s being all possessive? Pathetic.”
“I might need more tequila,” I say desperately as Dani gets ready to say the words that have haunted me since.
“Just go home, Chase. You’ve done enough already.”
I hit pause. Get up. Take a swig straight out of the bottle and then wipe my eyes with the bottom of my shirt. Dani’s going to think I’m a complete baby, but I can’t stop the tears. This is the dream I have. And it always ends here because that’s when I stormed off.
But I’ve seen this part of the video. What comes next.
She ruthlessly turns it back on.
“Chase,” Dani calls out, tears in her eyes.
“More like he hasn’t done enough,” Hunter taunts. “Don’t cry, Dani. I can guarantee you won’t be able to get enough of me.”
And this time, it isn’t me who hits him. It’s Damon.
A second later, Hunter is back on the ground.
Although this isn’t where my dream always ends; it’s where the video Damon presented to the Coach did.
“Is there more?” I ask Dani.
“Yeah, there is. Come sit back down, Chase. Leave the bottle.”
Damon is forcefully dragging Dani off the field.
“I freaking told you,” he growls at her.
“Damon—”
“I could have just gotten kicked off the team. Chase, too.”
“I didn’t ask you to punch him!”
“I couldn’t not. He was talking shit about my sister. Trust me, if Dad had heard what was coming out of that asshole’s mouth, he would have done it himself.”
“Let go of me,” Dani says, stopping and digging in her heels. “I don’t need your or Chase’s help.”
“I told you not to mess with Chase,” Damon says seriously.
“Just leave me alone, okay?”
I watch as tears flow down her beautiful face.
The camera follows her as she works her way through the crowd, where amidst all the chaos, she picks up her backpack, grabs her keys, runs to her car, and peels out of the parking lot, her tires squealing.
A voice says, “Well, that was pretty darn exciting.”
And the video ends.
“All I could think about was that I had to find you. That I had to make it right,” Dani says to me. “And I did find you. You were walking down the sidewalk, still in the red jersey and half pads. I asked if you needed a lift.”
“And I said no. That I’d rather walk five miles than sit next to you. But you,” I say, shaking my head, “are stubborn. You drove ahead, parked, and then tried to stop me on the sidewalk.”
“I told you that you didn’t understand.”
“And I think I said something about understanding perfectly. I thought you had planned it. Thought you had been talking to Hunter the whole trip. When we had been, so close. I felt incredibly betrayed. And not just by the girl I loved, but also by my best friend.”
Knew it was right.
Devaney
Chase is in tears. He’s so upset. And I hate that I’m putting him through this. But I know I have to. I know we have to get past it.
“You asked why I went out for the pass, like that was proof, but as you can see in the video, I had no idea really.”
“And it went downhill from there. I think I told you to forget about the cupcake, about us. Because you wouldn’t walk away with me. You wouldn’t stand up for us.” He puts his head into his hands and cries harder.
When he finally stops, he says, “Do you remember when your mom told you we couldn’t play together anymore after I kissed you?”
“Yeah, we didn’t listen to her.”
“My mom told me about a similar thing that happened between her and my dad when they were kids. They were going to be in trouble, so they were hiding in a tree, holding hands. But her dad found her and pulled her out of the tree. And my mom said they both stayed that way, their arms stretched out for each other because they didn’t want to let go.”
“She told me and Jennifer that story at the lake. She said it was then that she realized that her and your dad never listened to anyone. They hadn’t listened when people told them that girls and boys shouldn’t be friends or when people gave them a hard time about their friendship. They hadn’t listened when the people they dated threatened to leave them if they didn’t stop spending so much time together. She said their relationship had survived over twenty years because they didn’t listen to anyone.”
“Maybe that’s the difference between them and us,” Chase says. “My dad knew they’d never let go. I was afraid to let go, Dani. Because I didn’t think you’d come back to me if I did.”
I think about what else his mom said. The advice she gave me. That if I ended up with Chase, it would be because I came to a time in my life when I was finally ready. When I knew it was right. The problem is, I think she got it wrong. It would be when we both knew it was right.
“I thought it was the start of our forever,” he continues. “And although I appreciate what you did, showing this to me, I’ve blamed you all this time, and I shouldn’t have. I’m to blame, too.”
“Thank you,” I say to him softly. “I know it was painful, but I didn’t want you to not choose the college of your dreams because of this. Because of me.”
“I guess Damon told you?” he asks.
“Yeah, he did.”
“Um, okay. So, uh, thanks for this. I think I’m going to head home. It’s getting late, and—”
“You have the game tomorrow and all.”
“Yeah.”
He gets up and starts to walk away, but then he turns around and says to me what he said that day, “It was supposed to be the start of our forever.”
And instead of saying the stupid thing I did back then—That was summer, Chase. Everything was perfect there. This is real life—I say, “Who knows, Chase? Maybe it will turn out to be something better than you even imagined.”
A bad feeling.
Chase
I go home.
Lie on my bed.
Stare at the ceiling.
It’s only nine o’clock, but I feel thoroughly exhausted.
Worn out emotionally.
And possibly a little tipsy.
But I can’t sleep.
So I focus on hydrating myself for tomorrow’s game and try to watch the game film I had started before Dani interrupted me.
At about twelve thirty, I pad quietly down the stairs in search of a snack, only to find my dad sitting at the kitchen counter.
“Do you know where your sister is?” he asks me, his face full of worry. “She’s not answering her phone. And it’s way past curfew.”
“Where’s she supposed to be?”
“Out with Pace. I thought they were going to a movie. Called his dad. Pace isn’t home either.”
I run upstairs, grab my phone, and call Damon. I don’t know if it’s from watching the video tonight, but I have a bad feeling about all this.
Damon answers, sounding like he’s been asleep.
“Do you know where Pace and Haley were going tonight?”
“Uh, no. Why?”
“She’s not home. Neither of them is answering their phone. It’s late.”
“Oh shit. You sure they aren’t at his house? Um, like maybe in his room?”
“His dad said he wasn’t home. I’m assuming he checked.”
“Yeah, I’m coming over.”
I run downstairs. “Damon doesn’t know. Did Pace’s dad, like, double-check his room?”
“Yes. Plus, his car isn’t home.”
Just as Damon rushes in the front door, Dad’s phone rings.
And based on the way the color immediately drains from his face, I know it’s not good news.
“Go wake up your mom,” he says as he scribbles down notes.
I run to my mom’s room in a flat-out panic, afraid my sister is dead.
“Mom, wake up,” I say, shaking her shoulder. “It’s Haley.”
Mom’s eyes fly open. “I just had a dream about her. Oh my God.” She jumps out of bed, runs into her closet, and comes back out in jeans with her pajama top on.
“Damon,” she says, “will you stay here with the kids?”
“Uh, sure,” he says to her, his eyes big.
“How do you know—” I ask, my hands shaking.
“I don’t know. I just do,” Mom says.
“Pace and Haley were involved in a car accident,” Dad says when he sees her. “She’s having emergency surgery. I don’t know much else. We need to get to the hospital.”
“Let’s go,” Mom says. “Chase, you come with us. Grab a phone charger.”
We’re just pulling out of the garage when Dani knocks on the driver’s window and scares the shit out of all of us. Dad rolls his window down.
“I’m coming, too,” she says. “So is Damon. He’s on his way out. Jennifer is going to stay at your house.”
Dad hits the unlock button, and Damon jumps in the back with me, followed by Dani. We’re still getting buckled up when Dad barrels out of the driveway.
He drives fast but not too fast. None of us really says anything, but Damon is on his phone. I can see that he’s already texted Pace’s parents and that they were just called by the hospital as well.
My mom is braiding and unbraiding her hair and seems to be repeating some kind of mantra. I lean forward, closer, and hear, “Please let them be okay. Please let them be okay. Please let them be okay.”
Dani reaches across her brother’s lap and grabs my hand, squeezing it tightly.
Damon puts his hand on top of both of ours, tears filling his eyes, and says, “My Hay Girl needs to be okay.”
His phone dings with a text. He reads it, turns the phone upside down so he doesn’t have to read it again, and looks up to the ceiling of the car.
He takes a deep breath, trying to hold back his emotions. “Pace is in bad shape. His mom isn’t sure.”
“Are they at the hospital already?” my mom asks him.
“On their way. Pace’s dad is on staff there. I think someone called him and possibly gave him more info.”
“Oh my gosh, no,” my mom says from the front seat.
And I see why.
There are red and blue flashing lights everywhere ahead of us.
Dad grabs her hand, holding it tightly.
“Close your eyes, kids,” Dad says. “I have a feeling this might be the scene of the accident.”
Damon and Dani do as told, tightly shutting theirs.
I can’t.
I have to see it. I reach up and touch my mom’s shoulder.
She turns to me and whispers, “It looks like a similar crash to what you and I were in. Wide intersection. Based on the damage to the cars, one car was going straight while the other car turned.”
“Which car were we in?” I ask her.
“The one that turned.”
“Is that what happened to them, you think? Pace’s driver’s door is smashed completely in.”
“Yeah,” Mom says breathlessly.
“And we were okay, so that’s good, right?”
“I sure hope so.”
“And what about the person who hit us? I don’t think you ever told me. Were they hurt at all?”
“Uh, well,” Mom starts to say, but then she starts sobbing.
I squeeze her shoulder again in comfort, which only seems to make it worse.
“The person who hit your mom died at the scene, Chase,” Dad says. “But we know that didn’t happen to Pace or Haley, or they wouldn’t be in surgery.”
We get to the hospital and rush into the emergency room, where we are basically told to sit and wait. Mom has to sign a bunch of papers. Dad paces but never really takes his eyes off Mom. Pace’s parents arrive shortly after we do.
And finally, a nurse comes out.
“Phillip, Jadyn,” Pace’s dad says, “are you okay with her discussing both the kids’ injuries in front of us all?”
“Yes,” my mom says.
“As are we,” Pace’s mom says.
I can tell she’s been crying. And I can’t blame her.
Damon, Dani, and I haven’t really said much, but the three of us have been sitting in the waiting room in the same position we were in the car. Damon in the middle. Dani on his left. Me on his right. And one of each of our hands is stacked on top of each other, resting on Damon’s knee.
“I can only speak to your children’s condition when they came in through our emergency department.” She checks a chart. “Haley Mackenzie was with us for just six minutes. She had an open fracture of the left leg, complicated by an arterial lesion. She was conscious and stable when taken to surgery. EMTs indicated that she was riding in the passenger seat, wearing her seat belt.
“The car was struck on the driver’s side. Pace Williams was with us for twelve minutes. He suffered multiple injuries to his left side—dislocated shoulder, cracked ribs, fractures of the wrist and fingers, open fracture of the arm. Head trauma and internal injuries were also likely. He was unconscious, but his vitals were pretty good. Both will be taken to the ICU post-op, so why don’t you follow me? I’ll get you to the waiting room there, where their team can keep you updated.”
“I don’t know if I can go up there, Phillip,” I hear my mom whisper to my dad.
“Sure you can,” he says. “I’ll hold your hand the whole time. Just like I did back then.”
And I realize they must be talking about when her parents died. I know they were in a really bad accident. But I don’t know much more than that.
“Mom seems really freaked out,” I tell my dad later when we go get coffees for everyone.
We’ve been waiting to hear more news for a couple of hours. Nurses come out every so often to let us know that the surgeries are going well and that Haley and Pace are stable, but that’s about it.
“Being in the ICU brings back a lot of painful memories for her, Chase. I was there with her though, and I’m still here.”
“I know they died. I guess I just don’t know the story.”
“When we arrived at the hospital, my parents were already here. They had been following them home. Saw the crash happen. When we got to the ICU, she was told that her mother had already passed. Her father was in the ICU. She got to see him, speak to him a little, but he passed a few hours later. It was rough.”
“I can’t imagine,” I say, feeling so bad for her. “It sounds like Haley is going to be okay though, right?”
“She’s going to be fine. A little dinged up.”
“Don’t sugarcoat it for me, Dad. I can handle it.”
He looks me in the eye. “I forget you’re a grown man now. Sorry. I’m very worried by the fact that she had an arterial injury. That means, she could have lost a lot of blood. I’m worried about what kind of shape she will be in. But mostly, I just want her to be alive and healthy when this is over. And I’m really worried about Pace.”
“Me, too.”
We get back up to the ICU and hand out coffees.
A doctor comes out, and Damon is the first one on his feet. “How are they?”
“Are you the family of Haley Mackenzie?”
“We are,” Damon says then points toward my mom and dad. “Parents.”
The doctor shakes hands with my parents and then tells them Haley is out of surgery and stable, but that she will be in the ICU overnight. He produces an X-ray, holding it up to a light bar.
Damon is like, “Whoa, she’s going to set off the metal detectors, isn’t she?”
The doctor then explains the surgery she had, showing where the rods and pins are holding her leg together.
“The break, although open, wasn’t that bad. We only had to put a rod in the tibia, and once we did, the fibula lined up on its own. The surgery took a little longer than normal, as we wanted to make sure we handled the vascular injury with care. The blood flow after looked to be pretty good, but we’ll be keeping an eye on it.”
As soon as he leaves, Mom puts her head on my dad’s shoulder and cries with relief.
Damon, Dani, and I are back in our spots, our hands stacked on each other’s, as they have been for most of this time. Mom looks up and sees us, and then she puts her hand over her mouth and starts crying again.
I go over to her immediately and give her a hug. “It’s okay, Mom. She’s okay.”
“I know,” she says. “It’s you kids. Your hands.”
“What do you mean? Like, how we were holding them? We’ve been doing that since we got in the car at the house.”
“You have?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“You know how when you play sports, you do that and then break to start the game?”
I nod. Not really following.
“I had some, um, unusual experiences when we had our accident.”
“I read in the diary pages how Dad said he thought he’d lost you. Did you die?”
“I lost a lot of blood. They did surgery to get you out. And then my heart stopped beating, I guess. They say people this happens to have, I don’t know, dreams, out-of-body experiences, that kind of thing.”
“And you had that happen?”
“Yes. And while it’s common to hear stories of people floating over their own bodies, it’s not as common to hear they saw things outside of that space. In my head, or wherever, I was watching scenes on a television. They ranged from memories to possible futures. But at the end, I saw Danny rushing down the hall to where your dad was sitting in a folding chair, sobbing outside of the operating room. Danny put his hand on top of your dad’s. I was drawn to it. I put my hand on top of that pile, but then I saw myself on the television, standing there with them, but I was faint. And I thought it was going to be the last time I would ever touch either one of them. You’d think that would make me feel sad, but it gave me comfort. As did when you touched my shoulder in the car.” She wraps me in a hug. “It’s hard, not being able to go in there and hold your sister’s hand. But seeing the three of you do that and knowing that Haley’s hand belongs in the picture gives me a lot of comfort. I know she will be okay. And I think so will the friendship between you four.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without them,” I say, tearing up.
Another two hours later, we learn that Pace is finally out of surgery. Most of his bodily injuries, although significant, involved bone and tissue damage. We’re happy to hear that he suffered no internal injuries. The question mark in the equation though revolves around the head injury he suffered. Definitely a concussion and some swelling, so they will be monitoring that closely for the next forty-eight hours.
We’re all relieved he’s out of surgery but really worried about the swelling.
And eventually, we’re allowed to go in to see Haley, who is somewhat alert. Mom and Dad go first.
I grab Dani’s hand. “Will you go in there with me?”
She squeezes it. “Of course I will.”
The second we walk into the room, Haley says, “You’re holding hands. Did watching the video of that day help? Are you finally back together? Like, for good this time?”
“Uh, Haley, you were just in a bad car accident—you know that, right?” Dani says.
“Yeah, I know. And I also know that you just walked into my room, holding hands. I want to know why.”
“I’m trying to support your brother,” Dani says. “He’s been—we’ve all been—worried about you.”
Haley rolls her eyes, says, “You didn’t answer my question,” and then dozes off.
“I am glad you were here with me,” I tell Dani.
“Nowhere more important than this,” she says.
I suddenly feel exhausted again. Only this time, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have any problem falling asleep.
Damon peeks his head in the room. “It’s my turn.”
Dani gives me a smile and lets go of my hand. “You’d better stay with him, so he doesn’t get into any trouble.”
Haley wakes up again when Damon goes, “Hay Girl, damn. I just saw the photos of your leg. You’re like half-bionic now.”
Haley starts crying. “Is Pace dead?”
“What?” Damon says. “No, he’s not. He’s fine. No one probably told you anything because you were in surgery. And he was in surgery for quite a while too. He has a lot of broken bones and is pretty banged up, but they think he’ll be okay.”
“It was scary, Damon. I was shaking him, but he wouldn’t wake up. I thought he was dead. Right there in his car.”
Damon slides his hand across the top of her forehead and pushes her hair out of her face. “Shh,” he says. “Don’t cry, Hay. It’s going to be fine. I promise.”
“And what about Chase and Dani? Are things ever going to be normal again?”
Damon glances over at me and lets out a tired-sounding sigh. “I sure hope so.”
“What was that all about?” I ask Damon as we leave her room.
“That’s why kids shouldn’t do drugs,” he replies with a laugh. “They must have her on some pretty good stuff.”
“She just had major surgery. It would make sense. And you’re avoiding the question.”
“I told Haley about what you told me about school,” Damon says.
“And you told your sister.”
“I did. It affects me, so therefore, I can tell whoever I want.”
I nod in agreement. “I guess that’s true. I’ll figure it out after the game.”
We look at each other, eyes wide.
“The game,” he repeats.
“We need to get home, get some sleep. We’re supposed to be on the bus to go to the stadium at three.”
“It’s six in the morning. Wow. Time flies when you’re having fun,” Damon deadpans.
“We need sleep. I don’t think the dozing off we did in those hard chairs counts.”
“No, it doesn’t. Let me call Dad. Have him call Coach.”
“Coach already knows, boys,” Coach says as we step back into the waiting room.
Dani comes to stand next to me. “I forgot all about your game,” she says.
“So did we,” I admit. “I guess in the big picture, a state championship isn’t all that important.”
“Now, now,” Pace’s dad says, “Pace wouldn’t want to hear that from you. He wants another ring. So, go out there and win him one tonight.”
“Yes, sir,” Damon says.
Questioning my decision.
Devaney
On the way home, I sit next to Chase. Although we’ve been holding hands all night—well, the three of us have—things feel different between us. And I can tell Chase is still struggling. Not just because of his sister’s accident, but also from what went on with us before.
And now, I’m questioning my decision to make him relive that day.
I thought it would help us heal, but I’m not sure it did.
Because instead of him blaming me, he has to now take on some of the burden for what happened.
And I’m not sure he wants to.
Or if he thinks I’m worth it anymore.
But holding his hand. Holding my brother’s hand. And worrying about Haley together—I know that when she comes home, I’m going to be here. And I don’t care if Chase likes it or not. I’m going to fight for it. Fight for them. Fight for us.
“Why don’t we all go sleep in our movie room?” I suggest. “It’s quiet and dark down there.”
“Uh,” Chase says, “I need to go to my house. Tell Madden and Ryder what happened. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“I’ll be at your game, so you definitely will.”
