“Well, what do you know?” my brother says, raising an eyebrow at me as I arrive at the lazy river.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, his tone instantly ruffling my feathers.
“I’m assuming you woke up to an empty house and were forced to actually look at the board. Or am I wrong, and you magically knew where we were?”
“I looked at the board,” I admit.
“Haley was really upset that you didn’t go shopping when you’d told her you would.”
“Why didn’t she get me up then?”
“What is your problem, Dani?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s not Haley’s job to babysit you. Why don’t you just ask Dad if you can go home?”
I suck in a breath, feeling hurt. “Why would I do that?”
“Let’s see. Because you’re moody, you don’t want to be here, you’re mad about Hunter, and you’re being a little bitch about it. It’s not fair to everyone else. The world, believe it or not, doesn’t revolve around you. For some reason, you seem to think that you’re too good for all this. And the way you play with Chase’s emotions is just bullshit.”
“Did he say that?”
“He doesn’t have to. I’ve witnessed your cockblocking with my own eyes. You don’t want Chase, but you don’t want anyone else to have him.”
“I don’t—” I start to argue, but he holds his palm up in front of my face.
“I’ll even ask Dad for you. There’s a private airstrip close to here. I’m sure he can get you home.”
A second later, my dad floats by on an inner tube, cruising down the lazy river with Weston in his lap.
Damon yells out to him, “Dad, can we send for the plane, have them come pick up Dani, and send her home? She’s miserable, and she doesn’t want to be here.”
“Sure,” my dad surprises me by saying. “If that’s what she wants.”
Is that what I want?
As Chase, Ryder, and Madden come around the bend, followed by the grandparents, Phillip, and Emersyn, I feel tears start to prickle.
Chase sees me, looks into my eyes, and knows I’m upset.
He paddles toward the edge, but Damon says sternly, “Don’t you dare, man. She needs to get her shit together.”
Chase frowns, nods his head, and lets the current take him away.
“So, what’s it going to be?” my brother says.
“You don’t know anything,” I barely get out before I turn and run back to the golf cart.
I cry the whole way back to the house.
Because I don’t know what I want.
Am I ruining everyone else’s fun?
Am I being a little bitch about being here?
By the time I get back to the house, I’ve gone from weepy to mad at my brother for even suggesting such a thing.
I stomp through the house and find myself back in front of the board.
And I really look at it.
I read all of it. See all the things everyone wants to do together. How they show excitement with hearts and stars by their names.
And my name is not there once.
I look at the meals planned.
The thought put into each event, clearly wrapped in love.
As a teen, it’s easy to get so involved in your friends’ lives, your life, and the boy drama. But Haley’s and Damon’s names are all over the board. I notice that, like the nacho table last night, the older kids—which, although it doesn’t state my name, includes me—are in charge of a couple more meals during our trip and that they already decided what we are making. Without me.
I think back to before my last date with Hunter.
I was in my room, texting him and getting ready for him to pick me up. He wouldn’t be here for a couple of hours, but I was taking my time because I wanted to look just right.
Damon barged in and said, “Hey, we need to do a little meal planning for the trip. Can you come help us?”
“No,” I snapped back. “I’m getting ready.”
He studied me, clearly seeing that I was dressed and ready. What he didn’t know was that I had been looking in the mirror, wondering if I should add contour to my face.
“Whatever,” he said. “If you change your mind or get ready early, we’ll be downstairs.”
For two hours, I poked around in my room instead of going down there.
I hate to say it, but my brother’s right.
Haley even said something to me about it. How I get wrapped up in a guy and forget about everything else.
Did the divorce affect me so adversely that I’ve literally been looking for love in all the wrong places?
Tears fill my eyes as I stare at the board, seeing all the love right in front of me.
All that I’m missing out on.
And for what?
I think back to when I was dating Matt. All the family things I missed because he didn’t want to be bored.
But my family is not boring.
I cry hard as I realize they are living without me.
And then I notice it.
Through my tears.
A little note written in red ink. Chase’s favorite color. Kelsey visiting.
Visiting? Is that allowed? I thought this was supposed to be family only?
My heart pounds in my chest.
Are things that serious that she’s allowed to come on a family trip?
When the shopping crew gets home, I pull Haley aside.
“I’m really sorry I missed spending the day with you.”
“I’ll admit, I was a bit pissed when you didn’t show up, but as the day went on, I just felt sorry for you.”
“Sorry for me?”
“Yeah, you missed out on a lot of fun. I mean, you just don’t know how much longer Mimi and Grandma Mac will be around, so it’s precious time, too. We made a lot of great memories today.”
“What do you mean, they won’t be around? Is something wrong?” I ask in a panic.
“Nothing is wrong. They are in good health, but they are getting older. My friend Maddie lost her grandma this spring, and she was five years younger than mine. You just never know,” she says with a shrug. “This trip has been pretty eye-opening for me, honestly. Giving up my phone has been so freeing. My emotions are even, probably because I’m not dealing with all my friends’ daily drama. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be a good friend, but it’s too much, and I’m going to set some guidelines for myself. I want to be more present with my family and not sitting next to them with my nose stuck in my phone. Emersyn is already turning one. She’s changed and grown so much. Whatever. It’s just what I want for me. I’m gonna go put my bags upstairs.”
She takes off.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Then, I go down to Mimi and Papa’s cottage, finding them each in a rocking chair on the front porch.
“What brings you to this neck of the woods?” Papa asks.
“I just wanted to talk, hear how shopping was today. I’m sorry I missed it.”
Mimi gives me lots of details about the trip. The shops they saw, the Victorian homes they toured, the hot springs they visited. How fabulous their lunch was and what she ate. Then, she shows me her purchases—a cute blouse, local creamed honey, hibiscus tea, a handmade trivet, and a high-tech fishing shirt for Papa.
Then, she hands me a little box with a ribbon wrapped around it. “It’s for you.”
I open the box to find a delicate pair of twisted copper-and-silver earrings.
“These are beautiful, Mimi. Thank you,” I say, immediately putting them on.
“We voted on which ones we thought you’d like the most,” she says.
My heart drops again. Even though I wasn’t there, they were thinking of me.
Tears fill my eyes. “I’m sorry I missed it,” I say again.
“It’s okay, dear. Anything you want to talk about?”
Which causes me to spill my guts, telling her everything, starting with Hunter and Taylor’s breakup, what everyone said about it, what he said, how I didn’t want to come on the trip, issues with my mom, how I haven’t been present, how I’m stupid. How much I’ve already missed out on.
She pats my hand, but it’s Papa who speaks first, “Devaney, you’re growing up. Soon, you will go to college and be fully responsible for yourself. None of us have all the answers. Hell, I’m still learning that.”
“He’s finally learning that I have all the answers,” Mimi teases.
“I feel like everything I do is wrong. How am I supposed to please everyone?” I whine.
“Well, that’s the root of your problem, honey,” Mimi states. “You can’t. And until you figure that out and become confident in your decisions, you will flounder through life.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have to decide what is important to you,” Papa says. “Decide what and who makes you the happiest and make sure those things are your priority.”
“That’s easy for you to say though. I mean, your priority is right next to you. How do you do that when you haven’t met the one yet?”
“My life priorities have never changed,” Papa says, to which Mimi scoffs and rolls her eyes.
“I met you in college,” she says to him. “Your priorities back then revolved around girls and booze.”
“Not true,” Papa counters. “I was filling the time until I met you. And my priorities haven’t changed all that much. Family and love. I was raised in the church, believing I would be judged at the end of my life. It didn’t stop me from getting into some trouble, but overall, I’ve tried to be a compassionate human being. A good man.”
“And we raised a good man,” Mimi says.
“Which couldn’t have been easy with my dad,” I say with a chuckle.
“The teen years are formative. You don’t have your parents standing over you, telling you what to do. You make your own decisions. That doesn’t mean you always make the right ones. We tried to teach your father to enjoy the simple things in life. And although he has earned enough money to enjoy many of the finer things, it’s the simple things that have kept him grounded.”
“What kinds of things?” I wonder. “And is he teaching them to me?”
Papa chuckles. “He’s trying, Devaney.”
“But failing?” I hang my head in shame. “Damon chewed me out for not being more present during this trip. And he’s right. I’ve been wrapped up in myself. How do you balance what your family wants with what your friends or boyfriend wants?”
“You decide what you want,” Papa says while Mimi nods in agreement.
“I guess I don’t know what I want.”
“You know, I have always heard it said that in order to fully love someone else, you need to love yourself. While I mostly agree, I believe there’s more to it. Loving yourself means respecting yourself—your goals, your wants, your physical and emotional needs. Some people go through life, only focusing on themselves, but I believe the real joy in life comes when you can do those things as well as support others. There are times in your life when you need to be selfish, and that’s okay, but there are also times in your life when you should give in abundance because not only does it help fulfill your needs, but others’ needs as well.”
“In other words,” Papa says, “it’s okay that you have taken some time for yourself during this trip. But there is an abundance of love here, people who truly care about you, no strings attached. Soak it up. Bathe in it. Feel it. Just don’t take it for granted. That’s when things start to really get tricky.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“If you’re only always taking love but not giving any back, what do you think will happen?”
“The people I love won’t feel loved?”
“And?” Mimi asks.
“Their love might not actually be unconditional? Is that what you mean?” Because this makes no sense.
“Not at all, honey,” Mimi says. “Unconditional means they will always love you, but it doesn’t mean that if you don’t show love back, then you won’t grow apart. One of my friends loves her son dearly. She would do anything for him. But he doesn’t want her help. He fell in love with this woman, and they spend every holiday with her family. And it hurts my friend. Because she knows family is important to the woman in his life, and she knows if he stood up for himself and said, I want to spend time with my mother, the woman would respect that. But that means he doesn’t, and that almost makes it worse. Have you ever met someone who just oozes love?”
“Jennifer does now.”
“Why do you think that is?” Papa asks.
“Because she’s with my dad?”
“That’s part of it, but what’s the bigger part?” Mimi says.
“She had Weston?” I guess again.
Both my grandparents are shaking their heads.
Finally, Mimi gives me a hint. “What about before those things?”
“Um, she says she had an incredibly fulfilling work life but a disaster of a personal life.”
“So, what changed?” Mimi asks.
“She stopped trying to fix Troy and started thinking about her own happiness.”
“Exactly.”
“But wasn’t she supposed to love him unconditionally—like, for better or worse?”
“Not when it’s to her detriment,” Papa says. “Sure, there are rough patches in any relationship. There are times when things are worse. But worse does not mean you allow yourself to be abused. As we said in the beginning, if you don’t stand up for yourself, who will? Jennifer wasn’t oozing love because her relationship was so one-sided that she didn’t have overflow.”
“I think I was sort of like that with Matt,” I admit. “He was … a lot.”
“And sometimes, you can’t see the forest through the trees,” Papa agrees.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“So, did our conversation help or just make it all worse?” Papa asks with a chuckle.
“I’m not sure, but you’ve given me a lot to think about.” I stand up and give each one a hug. “I think I’ll head back to the house now.”
When Mimi hugs me, she says, “I know all the things you are experiencing are new to you. That you’ll have a lot of firsts. But remember, you can always talk to me.” She laughs. “I promise I won’t freak out. Wanna know why? Because I’ve already done them.”
Which causes me to laugh. “Thanks, Mimi.”
