I head to the boathouse to see what’s going on today, trying to act normal and like Chase didn’t just ditch me last night.
I stop when I hear his and my brother’s voices coming from the swinging chairs.
“Dude,” my brother says, “you’ve been hanging out with my sister for most of the trip, and you’re wasting your time. She’s dating Hunter.”
“Not exactly,” Chase says. “They haven’t talked this entire time, except briefly two days ago when she saw a video on social media of him and Taylor out on a boat together. The commentary is that they are back together, but Hunter denied it. Dani told him she didn’t want to talk to him anymore.”
“I get that you are friends with her and that you have a special friendship or whatever, but she’s cockblocking you. Big time. So, either get with her or get with one of the new girls who’s going to be at the pool today. Because a smoke show of a senior girl is on the hunt for you. You need more experience. Then, we’ll go back home, kick ass on the football field, and you can have Kelsey Jennings screaming your name from both the sidelines and your bed.” I hold my breath, waiting for Chase to say something, but Damon continues, “Also, I was talking to her friend Marni. I’m thinking we should do a double date. Hook your bro up.”
“You certainly don’t need my help to get with girls,” Chase says.
“True, but you know what most girls think.”
“And what’s that?”
“That you date up, not down.”
I can almost hear Chase rolling his eyes. “Did your sister tell you that?”
“No, Marni did. She thinks Kelsey’s going to get shit if she dates you.”
“Do you think she would get shit?” Chase asks.
“Who cares? What matters is that if we date senior girls our sophomore year, we’ll be fucking legends, on and off the field.”
“So, it’s cool for us to date up but not cool for them to date down?”
“I think, in the past, maybe,” Damon says, “but we’re about to change that. I mean, look at us. We’re physical specimens. Really, how many sophomores are built like us?”
“Well, at camp—” Chase starts to say, but my brother interrupts him.
“I’m not talking national elite football, Chase. I’m talking our school. There are maybe five other guys who even come close. And none of them have our swagger.”
“I don’t have swagger.” Chase laughs.
I open my mouth to disagree with him, but then I realize they don’t know I’m listening. And I definitely don’t want them to know.
“You’re like six-three, ripped, the starting quarterback, and a fucking model. The funny thing is, you don’t even have to open your mouth to attract hotties. Now, me, on the other hand, not only do I look and play good, but I also talk a good game. I’m a natural-born flirt. And girls love to be flirted with. So, start flirting with Kelsey when you text her and stop trying to be her friend. Got it?”
“Damon! Chase!” I yell out, pretending to have just arrived.
While Chase is in his bedroom, getting dressed, I sit next to my brother on the deck.
“You didn’t answer me last night.”
“About what?” he asks.
“About why Chase didn’t tell me about you having sex.”
“Yeah, I did. It’s because it was last summer.”
“Which I don’t understand. Please just tell me.”
“Fine, I’ll spell it out for you. The girl Chase liked started dating someone else last summer. He was hurt, I guess you could say. Upset.”
“Who did he like?” I ask, my eyes getting big. Because why do I not know this either?
My brother rolls his eyes at me in disgust. “I swear, sometimes, you are totally clueless.”
“Hey! I am not. I’m smart.”
“Not when you’re being dumb. Why don’t you roll that little pea brain of yours back in time to last summer and see what you remember? And I bet you can figure it out all on your ownsome.”
“I don’t think ownsome is a real word.”
“Yet you knew what I meant.”
“Tell me what happened with you the first time you had sex.”
“Oh, I can tell you that one,” Haley says from behind us.
“Hay Girl, you saved the day.” He walks by, kisses her on the cheek, and says, “Chase and I are going to check out the new crop. We’ll be at the pool if anyone needs us, but don’t need us, if you get my drift.”
“I’ve got it,” she says, “but I’m boy-less now, too, so I might come up and see if I can find someone to play volleyball with me.”
“Cool,” Damon says as Chase comes outside, his hair still wet from the shower.
He gives me a little wave, and then they are gone.
“I can’t believe you don’t know about Damon’s first time,” Haley screeches. “It’s hysterical.”
“Sex isn’t supposed to be funny,” I say seriously.
“I know, but in this case, it was. What are you planning to do today? Oh, hey, did you ever look at the board? The girls are all going shopping tomorrow. We’ll have lunch out, and it should be fun. Will you come?”
“Yeah,” I say. “That would be great.”
She starts going on and on about what a cool little town we’ll be going to, and I finally just stop her.
“The story?”
“Oh, shoot. Yeah. So, Damon’s at this party, and as he says, he was the lucky boy who asked a pretty senior girl why she was sad. She cried to him about how she and her boyfriend broke up because he’d banged Sally Mainer. Damon saw it for what it was. Revenge sex on her part, but he said he was cool with it because he figured she could teach him. But, apparently, when he was, you know, sort of in the vicinity, she asked him if it was in, and at that point, he was already, you know, done.”
“Why is that funny?” I ask. “I’d think he’d be embarrassed by that.”
“I don’t think he cared how far it was in, only that it was.”
“Just the tip,” I say with a laugh.
“That’s what all the guys say, don’t they? That it won’t count. But yet, he counts it.”
I tilt my head at her. “Haley, have you been that close? Like, in that situation yourself?”
“Not at all. I’m not ready to be sexually active. And I’m really surprised that your brother has been. He always said football was his focus and that he wanted to wait.” She lets out a laugh. “Until a senior started making out with him anyway.”
“Do you ever think about how my dad grew up with your parents? And all that? Like, could you ever see yourself with Damon?”
“It’s weird that we’re only two years apart. Growing up, it was you three who played together. I had my friends or Ryder. Now, Ryder’s a little too young, and I feel like Damon and I have gotten closer. He teases me, and sometimes when I’m upset, he even flirts with me. It’s completely pity flirting, but it makes me laugh, and that’s the point. He can always cheer me up, and he’s a surprisingly good listener. Is he cute? Of course, and my friends are all goo-goo over him. But the thought of kissing him?” She shakes her head. “I just can’t even imagine it. I know he’s not my brother, but I think it would feel that way.”
“So, you’ve never kissed him?”
“We’re not like you and Chase, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“What do you mean?”
“You and Chase kiss. You kind of always have. I figure you probably always will.”
“You think we’ll be together, like, forever?”
She shrugs. “I guess.”
“Your mom told me about her and my dad. Did you know he took her to prom and they kissed and stuff? But she never got with your dad until, like, college. I think Chase and I will be like my dad and your mom. Really good friends. Always. But that’s it.” I nudge her. “And who knows? Maybe you and my brother will be like your mom and dad. Then, we could be sisters for real.”
Haley doesn’t reply. Instead, she says, “Don’t forget, the four of us are in charge of dinner tonight.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that. Do we know what we’re making?”
“It’s on the board. We’ve got it handled.” She shakes her head at me in disgust. “I know that I’m younger than you, Dani, and that I’m pretty boy crazy, but a boy is never going to consume my life.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you date someone, it’s like you morph into them, into their life, and forget about everyone important in your world.”
“In my world?”
“Yep. We don’t like to see you hurt, but when you broke up with Matt, we got to see you. Spend time with you. But then, the second Hunter called, you started doing it again. And it affects my brother the most. You say he’s your best friend, but sometimes, you don’t act like it.” I start to protest, but she holds her hand up and says, “Anyway, I’m going to head up to the resort. You wanna come?”
“No, thanks,” I say, knowing that watching Chase pick up girls is the last thing I want to do.
Instead, I’ll just stay here and mope.
Most everyone is off doing something today. The grandparents took Ryder and Madden to a hillbilly theme park. Dad and Phillip are golfing in a pro-am tournament. A charity fundraiser that I guess a lot of celebrities come to. Jennifer and Jadyn aren’t playing but took the babies with them to the country club to participate in some of the festivities.
I’m out on the dock with the dogs, both of whom are wet and asleep. I fed them lunch, threw a stick into the lake about a thousand times, and finally wore them out.
After a week of constant family fun and togetherness, being here alone should feel like a relaxing escape, but I feel unsettled.
I try reading a book but can’t get into it.
I try sunbathing but can’t get comfortable.
What Haley said is on my mind.
Is she right? Am I a bad friend to Chase?
And worse, am I knowingly cockblocking him?
The answer to that question is complicated, I suppose.
Because high school is complicated.
Because life is complicated.
I gently stroke Angel’s fur while thinking.
When I heard Chase talking to Kelsey, I was jealous.
When that girl at the volleyball court was flirting with him, I wanted her to stop.
Is it only because I want the best for him and don’t think either of them is it?
Or is it because I want him for myself?
Chase makes me happy, but Haley’s right. When Matt and I were dating, I did distance myself from Chase a little.
Because I had to, right?
Because I have feelings for Chase. I always have.
But as we’ve gotten older, that’s the thing that’s gotten the most complicated.
I still haven’t heard the rest of Jadyn and Phillip’s story—how they actually got together.
And part of me feels like ending up with Chase would be some sort of weird pre-chosen family destiny. Like we were betrothed from birth or something.
Which is a stupid thought because the last thing my mother would agree to is me marrying the boy next door.
I think about what I said to Jadyn yesterday. How I think Chase would like it if we dated but that I don’t know if I’m ready for him.
I’m lost in thought when I hear movement behind me.
I turn and find—speak of the devil—Jadyn, a beer in each hand, stepping out onto the dock.
“Want one?” she asks me.
“Actually, yes.”
She hands me both bottles, rolls out a towel, and then sits down next to me.
“Is the golfing over?”
“No, but Emers was over it,” she says with a laugh. “Westie and Jennifer, too. They are all taking naps. Did you not go to the resort with the boys and Haley?”
I shake my head. “Just hung out here with the pups.”
“They barely acknowledged my presence. You must have worn them out.”
“I did. They sure love to play fetch.”
“Working on your tan?” She clinks her bottle against mine. “To long, lazy days,” she says, taking a drink. “There’s nothing like a cold beer on a hot summer day. So, what did you do all day?”
“Honestly, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”
“About what?”
“Life. Friendship. Boys.”
“My favorite topics,” she says with a laugh.
“I know that you ended up getting something better than just friends with Phillip, but when did you really decide to risk it?”
She takes a deep breath and then slowly exhales. “I’d like to say that I decided the night we were prepping for the game, and I did—sort of. When he got home, I kissed him. Then we”—she raises her eyebrows at me—“finally slept together. No, we didn’t sleep together. We’d done that already plenty. We actually had sex.”
“And then you lived happily ever after?”
“Not exactly. Phillip and I have very different personalities. Most things that he does are well thought out. I’m more of a plunge in and see what happens kind of girl. But even though I was so incredibly in love with him, I was scared. Scared I’d do something to screw things up. In retrospect, maybe I should have known I was being dumb. That I should have had more faith in us. And it’s not that I didn’t, but my track record wasn’t so great, ya know? Granted, most of my relationships ultimately ended because of Phillip, and even though, apparently, everyone else could see that we were meant to be together and that it was what I wanted, when you are living it, you don’t always know. You’re not always sure.” She stops to take another sip of beer. “The other day, you said something that could have come out of my mouth back then. That you don’t know if you are ready for Chase.”
I frown and nod my head.
“When I said not exactly a happily ever after, it’s because things happened fast for us. Like, a week later, we were engaged. I’ll be honest, I thought he was freaking crazy. I mean, who gets engaged after a week of dating?”
“People who have been friends their whole lives?” I venture a guess with a smile at her.
“Exactly. When he asked me, I thought it was too soon, but I also knew it had been a long time coming, and I said yes. We were at dinner, and it was private. I thought we could get engaged, not tell anyone for a bit, live together, make sure all was good before we announced it to the world.”
“But he planned a surprise engagement party, right?”
“That night. We were supposed to go up onstage and tell the happy news to roughly two hundred of our closest friends. But I was pissed.”
“Why? He planned all that for you!”
“I took the ring off my finger, slammed it into his hand, called him an arrogant son of a bitch, and marched my ass up to the stage to tell everyone I said no.”
My eyes get huge, and I let out a laugh. Why have I never heard this before? “I’m a little speechless,” I say honestly. “What were you thinking?”
“You know how in sports—well, and in childrearing—they say, never use the words don’t or can’t. I was listing out all the reasons why it wouldn’t work. Onstage. With a microphone. To everyone.”
I facepalm myself. “You didn’t?”
“I did. But then I told them what made me say yes in the first place. Remember how I told you about our first kiss on the swings when we were ten? After he kissed me, he ran away. But then he stopped, turned back around, and asked me if I would marry him someday. And since I yelled back yes, he said that meant that we’d been secretly engaged for the past twelve years.”
I let out a dreamy sigh. “That’s amazing.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I said yes. We became engaged and started planning the wedding. While everything on that side of things seemed to be falling into place, I was starting to unravel. One of my exes asked me to run away and marry him. I was having horrible wedding-disaster dreams. In one of the dreams, I became a burning bush and thought even God was against me marrying Phillip. Nick and I got drunk together. At a bar. Where this hot bartender worked, who had sort of been my regular hook-up.”
I open my mouth wide. “I’m appalled,” I tease.
“I was in college. That night went badly. I got drunk. Broke my phone. Almost kissed the bartender. And Phillip showed up.”
“Oh shit,” I say with a laugh.
“We made it through all that, but then everything blew up. I read our couples counseling test, and we’d totally failed because we didn’t agree on anything. The wedding planner asked what song we were going to dance to at the reception, and I freaked out because we didn’t have a song. And then when I showed Phillip the building plans for the office I was designing, he seemed surprised, and I assumed I was a family pity hire. I took off the ring at work. Laid it on his desk. And told him I hoped we could stay friends.”
Her eyes look misty, and I know, even today, this still hurts her. “We don’t have to talk about it if it upsets you.”
“It actually makes me really happy. Emotional. Because even though I didn’t always do the right things or even make the right choices, when it came to him, when it really mattered, I followed my heart. I think it was hard for me, too, because Phillip is an old soul. I’m probably not. I make stupid mistakes. It’s like I don’t have the same life experiences as him somehow. I’m still learning.”
“What happened next?”
“I drove aimlessly, ended up at our elementary school, and went and sat on the swings where Phillip first kissed me. I was crying and feeling overwhelmed, and I thought we were over.” She points down to the charm bracelet she’s worn for as long as I can remember. “Phillip had given me this charm bracelet and some of the charms just before we got engaged. It hurt to see it, so I took it off and hooked it around one of the swings. Then, I left and went to visit my parents’ gravesite for the first time since the funeral. I lay in the snow and cried. And I remembered this one time when I was little and my dad had told me that I couldn’t play with Phillip anymore.”
“I would die if you told me that about Chase.”
“I never would, sweetie,” she says. “It was then that I realized that Phillip and I never listened to anyone. We hadn’t listened when people told us that girls and boys shouldn’t be friends. We hadn’t listened when people gave us shit about our friendship. We hadn’t listened when the people we were dating threatened to leave us if we didn’t stop spending so much time together. Our relationship had survived over twenty years because we didn’t listen to anyone. Not even my dad.”
A little shiver crosses through my body.
She keeps going, eyes shining and remembering what I know was just one of many pivotal moments in their relationship.
“I reached for my bracelet. Realized I couldn’t leave it. Jumped in my car and rushed back to the school. But the bracelet was gone. I was frantically searching the snow under the swings for it when Phillip dangled it in front of me and asked if it was what I was looking for. He’d found it hooked to the chain, known I had left it there, and asked me why I left it.”
“What did you say?” I ask.
“That I couldn’t stand to look at it because it represented my failure. Then, he asked why I came back for it. I told him that it was the story of our lives. And he looked around and told me that this was where it’d all begun. And he wanted to know if our story was going to end there, too.”
“Did it?” I ask, totally enthralled. “I mean, I know you ended up together, but I don’t know if it happened then.”
“Both of us were crying, and he asked if I had any idea what I did to him. And for once, I had the right answer. I told him that our whole lives, I’d felt so small in comparison to how big our love felt. And how I wasn’t ready for it yet.”
“Which brings us back to what I said to you about Chase.”
“Yeah, it does. If you end up with Chase, it will be because you came to a time in your life when you were finally ready. When you knew it was right. Anyway, I told Phillip that I was finally ready. He played what he considered our song. We danced and kissed, and then he dropped to his knee and asked me to marry him again. And since then, while life hasn’t always been easy, our love has.”
“Oh my gosh,” Jennifer says from behind us, tears rolling down her cheeks. “That was beautiful. I know I’m hormonal,” she says, wiping her eyes, “but it would make such a romantic movie.”
“Says the girl with the second-chance love story who got engaged at the Super Bowl,” Jadyn says with a chuckle.
Jennifer sits down on the dock next to us and grins. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
“Dani and I were discussing her and Chase’s friendship. How it’s changing.”
“I suppose it has,” Jennifer hoots. “Your best friend got really hot.”
“That’s not why it’s changing,” I argue even though she probably just hit the nail on the head.
“Sure it is. If you think he’s hot, just kiss him. You’ll never know until you try.”
“I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation,” I reply.
Jennifer smiles. “Well, if anyone does, it’s Jadyn.” She turns to her. “What do you think?”
“I think it’s more that they are growing up. Dating other people. Having all those first times that come with being a teen.”
Jennifer dramatically clasps her hands together. “Gosh, yes. First crush. First kiss. First date. First everything.” She grins. “How old were you, Jay—you know, your first time?”
“I was eighteen. Freshman in college.”
“Mine was actually pretty magical,” Jennifer says. “The setting, I mean. He went out and bought a blow-up camping mattress, put it in the back of his pickup truck, and covered it with quilts his grandmother had made. We parked by the lake, ate the picnic he had packed, drank a cheap bottle of wine, and did it that night, under the stars.”
Jadyn laughs. “I was at a party in a frat house and pretty tipsy. But I was crazy about the guy. We were inseparable all semester, and then he went home for Christmas and asked his girlfriend to marry him. That sort of ruined our relationship.”
I burst out laughing along with her.
But then Jennifer turns to me. “And what about you, Dani?”
“I, uh …”
“It’s okay,” Jadyn says, touching my hand in a motherly way. She has a way about her that is always so comforting. Her son shares that ability. “You don’t have to tell us. It’s much easier to talk about when it happened years ago.”
Thankfully, at just that moment, I am literally saved by the bell.
The dinner bell rings, followed by the sound of my brother yelling at me to get my ass up to the kitchen and help make dinner.
Dinner. What can I even say about the current situation?
If you are on social media at all, you know you can find lots of great recipes. You know that charcuterie boards are currently all the rage—and not just the traditional versions. People are pouring all sorts of things onto a wooden board, artfully arranging it, and calling it a meal—from appetizers to seafood to candy and everything in between.
What we are doing here is sort of that idea on steroids. We’re going to turn the entire twelve-foot-long kitchen table into a nacho table. Imagine getting fully loaded nachos at your favorite restaurant and then sliding them off the plate and onto the table. Then, imagine you order, like, a hundred orders and do the same thing. Okay, maybe not that many, but the inspiration photo Damon showed me was pretty impressive.
“All right, I’ve discussed this all with Mimi, and she was worried about us burning the table, so we’ll start with a layer of beach towels,” Haley says. “Chase and Dani, why don’t you do that while Damon and I make the queso?”
Chase doesn’t really say anything to me while we are doing the prep work, which includes covering the beach towels with strips of tin foil. The beauty of this idea, Haley tells us, is that when it’s time for clean up, we’ll just roll it all up and throw it away. No dishes other than a few serving bowls.
Now, Damon is at the stove, cooking up the ground hamburger. Haley is chopping up onions while Chase scoops out avocados.
I feel like I should ask what to do, but that will only bring attention to the fact that I don’t know what to do because I didn’t help plan, like I should have, so I grab all the bags of tortilla chips, open them one by one, and spread them out across the table.
When I’m finished, Haley smiles at me and points to two Crock-Pots on the counter. “Dani, would you check the queso? Stir it and make sure it’s all melted?”
“Sure.” I do exactly as told.
And I continue to do so until everything is ready.
Which, even with the four of us, takes quite a while to prepare.
The look on everyone’s faces when they see the table covered in chips is priceless, and it sounds silly, but it makes me feel emotional. My mom isn’t into baking. It is something other people do. And while I love helping frost the cakes and cookies that Jadyn bakes, I’ve never felt so much pride in creating a meal for others before. I get tears in my eyes as I watch them move in front of their normal seats and pile their chips first with the warm items: grilled chicken, taco meat, refried beans, rice, grilled corn, and two kinds of queso—blanco and regular. And then the toppings: guacamole, shredded lettuce, onions, bell peppers, diced tomatoes, jalapeños, black olives, salsa, taco sauce, sour cream, and ranch dip.
I just stand and watch. Listen to everyone ooh and aah over it. Listen to their comments about how yummy it is, what a cool idea it is. And I realize that nearly everyone I love the most in the world is gathered around this table.
Chase bumps his shoulder into mine. “You going to eat?”
I turn toward him and look up, my eyes shining with tears.
He looks like he’s going to say something to me, but Damon yells out, “Didn’t we do amazing?”
To which everyone replies with claps and cheers of approval.
