Apparently, Lori and Danny got in a fight about a picture of Danny that’s in the newspaper today. In the photo, he has two cheerleaders kissing the sides of his face.
And I guess Danny was like, “It’s in my contract that I have to do some publicity things.”
And Lori was like, “Danny, I read your contract, and I can say with one hundred percent complete positiveness …”
At which Danny chuckled and was like, “You’ve been hanging around Jay too much; that sounds like one of her words.”
And Lori continued, “It is not in your contract that you have to pose with cheerleaders kissing you.”
Danny got pissed and was like, “I’m not going to sit here and have you attack my moral character. I’m a good and faithful husband. I’ll be a great father. What the hell’s happened to you? What happened to my confident, never-the-jealous-type wife?”
He stormed out of their house.
Lori sat there, watched the door close, and whispered to herself, “She got pregnant.”
So, while that was going on, Phillip and I were watching a movie. Meaning, he was lying on top of me, he had my arms pinned above my head, and he was peppering my neck with ticklish kisses and unbuttoning my shirt.
My phone rings, Dum, dum, da-dum, dum, dum, da-dum. Yes, the wedding march is my ringtone. Phillip keeps changing it just to irritate me.
Then, Dun, dun, dun, duh. The Jaws theme song. Okay, so I might be messing with his ringtones a little myself.
He grabs both of our phones off the coffee table. “Danny,” he says, looking at my caller ID and handing me my phone. Then, he looks at his and says, “Lori.”
Danny tells me about the cheerleader incident.
“Danny, she’s pregnant. She’s got crazy hormones. I mean, what did you have to do besides have a night of fun?”
“Well, actually, it was a day of fun.”
“Okay, too much information. Now, she has to deal with all of it. She feels like she’s getting fat. Her emotions are everywhere. She’s sick half the time. She’s cut out caffeine, which would be enough to send me over the edge, and I just think you need to be a little more sensitive. I think your job as the soon-to-be father is to pamper her. To be there for her emotionally.”
I hear him groan, so I say, “Danny, do you love her?”
“Yeah.”
“You want her to keep loving you?”
“Yeah.”
“Then, play nice! She’s like your baby’s offensive line. She’s keeping it safe! Protecting it. Make her feel like you think she’s doing something amazing for you because she is! That’s your baby in there, Danny. Taking care of her equals taking care of your baby.”
“Yeah, I know you’re right.”
“As usual,” I tease.
“Shut up.”
“So, no simple, smooth, and easy?” I ask.
“Uh, no.”
“Do something romantic, Danny. Remind her that she’s still your girl. Not just your fat, pregnant, and stuck-with-you wife.”
“You can’t even tell she’s pregnant. How could she be fat? Besides, she looks so hot. I know she’s complaining that she feels fat, but I love her body right now. It’s a little fuller, and her boobs keep getting bigger. It’s awesome. She looks sexy, if you ask me.”
“Well, you should definitely tell her that because she’s gained four whole pounds, and that’s devastating to her. She says it’ll be fine to gain weight, and she wants a healthy baby, but right now, she thinks she looks fat, not pregnant.”
“My offensive line says I should buy her jewelry.”
“Jewelry is always nice, but I don’t think that’s what she needs. She needs a small, sweet gesture. Something to remind her that she’s still your girl. You can get her something spectacular when she has the baby.”
“Yeah, you’re right. We haven’t gone out on a date in a while. But it’s mostly because she’s been either sick or really tired.”
“Danny, how do you and Lori solve conflict?”
He laughs like a little boy who just got caught saying a dirty word and then says, “Sex. Always.”
“Pastor John says, if you do that, your marriage will fail. That, if you don’t deal with the conflict, your marriage will fester and get infected.”
“Whatever,” Danny says. “I’ll let you go. I’m gonna make some dinner reservations, tell her I’m sorry, and make it up to her.”
“With sex?”
“Absolutely.”
Ha! What does Pastor John know anyway?
I text Lori since she’s still on the phone with Phillip.
Me: Haven’t seen the pic yet. Gonna find it on the internet.
Lori: What pisses me off the most is he was clearly enjoying himself. He has the biggest freaking smile I have ever seen.
Me: Wait … he has a big smile?
Lori: Yeah, why?
Me: As in this kind of smile 😀 and not this 🙂
Lori: Uh, yes.
Me: I don’t even need to look at the picture. If Danny does this :D, it means he’s uncomfortable. It’s his fake smile. You have nothing to worry about.
Lori: You’re sure about this?
Me: Positive.
Lori: Why do I not know this?
Me: You do now. Have a good dinner.
