I’m sitting in Phillip’s office, waiting for him to finish up a conference call, so we can go to dinner and work on our guest list.
I get on a wedding website where I started a wedding checklist a while ago. So far, all I have crossed off is, Get Engaged.
I love checklists. Sometimes, when I make a checklist, I put stuff on it that I’ve already done, just so I can feel productive and cross it off.
So, here we go!
Wedding Checklist:
Get engaged.
Pick a date.
Book ceremony.
Hire a wedding planner.
Choose wedding party.
Love your groom.
The way things have fallen into place has left me feeling slightly high.
I know there are a lot of details, but now that I have a direction and someone to organize and help plan my wedding, I’m excited about this next phase of planning.
I look through some photos of real couples’ weddings. This is so fun! I’m in the best mood!
My life is perfect!
I get a text from Phillip’s mom, and I’m actually excited to hear from her! I can handle anything right now!
Mrs. Mac: You REALLY need to do something about your STDs and fast!
I read her message twice and ponder this.
Um …
What is she talking about?
I don’t have an STD.
No, wait. She must have mistyped a word, and her phone autocorrected it to STD. I wonder what she meant.
I wait for a minute.
For her to notice the misspell and send me a little * and the word stand or stained or whatever else has an S, T, and a D in it.
I wait calmly, but nothing comes. I read it again, noticing it says your STDs, like plural. Is she insinuating that both Phillip and I have STDs?
My phone vibrates again, and I’m relieved. She must’ve noticed the typo.
Mrs. Mac: ??? This is important!
Wait. What?
Excuse me?
Does Phillip have an STD?
That he did not tell me about?
Do I have an STD?
Could Phillip have given me an STD?
WTF?
And, if he did, why is his mother telling me about it?
I’m freaking out here! So, I text Lori.
Me: OMG! I think Phillip might have an STD!
Lori: OMG! Really? How?
Me: I DON’T KNOW!!! I’m freaking out @!!!!!!!@#^$*&!
Lori: Danny says Phillip has always been meticulous in his condom usage. You shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
Me: True. Okay, that makes me feel better.
I relax for a second. She’s right. I’m being ridiculous.
My phone vibrates again with another message from Lori.
Lori: Do YOU have an STD?
Me: NO! I mean, I don’t think so, but Phillip and I haven’t been using anything, so if he does, then I probably do, too!
Lori: Didn’t you go to the GYN this summer for a checkup?
Me: Yeah, so?
Lori: They usually run tests for that, don’t they?
Me: I don’t know. Do they? I would think they’d only do that if you asked them to. Plus, when he asks if I always use a condom, I always say yes.
Lori: Jade! You shouldn’t lie to your doctor!
Me: I don’t want to get yelled at! I KNOW you’re supposed to.
Lori: Well, I think they check for that sort of thing. So, you’re probably clean … or were then anyway.
Me: Yeah …
Which means she’s implying that I was then, but I might not be now.
And I can’t help it.
I’m not a hypochondriac or anything, but all of a sudden, I’m feeling slightly itchy down there.
Like, maybe I have one and didn’t know it, but now, the symptoms are manifesting. I’m also feeling a little feverish. I put my hand across the back of my neck. It feels warm.
Maybe I should get online to see what symptoms come from STDs.
Lori: So, who all have you been with in the last few months?
Me: Uh, Phillip.
Lori: and …
Me: Um, the guitar player.
Lori: AND …
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
I tell her this even though, well, I’m not very proud of this, but there was this sorta drunkish night before Phillip and I got together. I saw this really cute guy, Jason—who I’d dated junior year in college—at the bar. We started talking and dancing, and, well, drinking, and one thing led to another. And we had done it before when we were dating, so it’s not like he was just some random stranger. I mean, we already had. So, when we did it again, it didn’t really count. Like, he didn’t add to my total or anything. It was kinda like a free throw. It counts for points, but if you miss, it doesn’t count against you. When you do it with a guy you’ve already done it with in the past, it doesn’t count against you. It’s a freebie.
Lori: Look, I’m not trying to throw you under the STD bus or anything, but I know that there was a night you maybe got drunkish and probably weren’t as safe as you should’ve been.
Me: Uh …
Lori: As in the night I KNOW you did it with Richie Rich even though you lied and said you didn’t!
Richie Rich’s real name is Jason O’Connor. That was the nickname Phillip gave him because his family was wealthy, and he was one of those guys who wanted everyone to know it. He was also quite handsome and adorable most of the time. He was a guy I actually really liked. We’d been dating casually for about three months when I took him to my winter formal. He got drunk and started a big fight. I made Phillip ditch his date to come rescue me. The next day, Jason sent me two-dozen roses as an apology, and Phillip told me I shouldn’t take him back. One of the only times I’ve ever followed his advice on boys.
Me: Shit, maybe I do have one.
Lori: Do you have symptoms? Have you noticed anything rashy on Phillip?
Me: Not on Phillip, no. And I would’ve definitely noticed.
Lori: What about you? Do you have symptoms?
Me: I didn’t, but I’m starting to feel feverish and kinda itchy everywhere.
Lori: So, you think you might’ve gotten one from Phillip? Or someone else?
Me: Well, if I got one, common sense tells me it would be from someone besides Phillip. Because, if it was from Jason, I probably wouldn’t have noticed it at, like, the time.
Lori: I really worry about you sometimes, but I’d have to agree.
Me: But what if Phillip has some secret life that I don’t know about? What if he’s addicted to hookers? What if he has another girlfriend somewhere that I don’t know about? You see that on TV all the time! And their families never have a clue. Am I clueless?
Lori: OMG, Jade. Chill.
Me: I’m trying to! So, I could have one, but it has to be Phillip who has one because there’s no way Phillip’s mom could possibly know I have an STD when I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW MYSELF!
Lori: Phillip’s mom? Wait. What? WTF are you talking about?
Me: She just texted me and told me I needed to do something about our STDs. That’s why I’m FREAKING OUT HERE!!!
Lori: OMG!!! That seems like an awfully sensitive issue to text someone about! OMG! Maybe Phillip does have something, and he confided in his mom. Maybe she knows it was from you. Maybe it’s, like, been dormant. They can do that, can’t they?
Me: I don’t know!
Lori: I think you’d better talk to Phillip and quick!
Me: I’m scared.
I was gonna call Phillip, but I’m still a chickenshit sometimes, so I figure, if his mother can be a chicken and text me about it, then it’s perfectly reasonable for me to text Phillip about it as well.
Just as I’m about to send Phillip a scathing message, I get another text from his mom. She’s very impatient.
Mrs. Mac: Hello???
I don’t know what to say.
So, I do what anyone would do.
I stall.
Okay, I lie.
Me: In a meeting. Will get back to you ASAP.
Now, I’m pissed! I mean, my gosh, she just sprang this on me, and in five minutes, I’m supposed to know what to do? I haven’t even talked to Phillip yet. But I’m gonna now!
Me: It would’ve been nice to hear about your STD from YOU instead of YOUR MOTHER!!!
Phillip: WTF are you talking about?
Me: She just texted me and told me we need to do something about them.
Phillip: You’re joking, right?
Me: I wish I were. 🙁
Phillip: I’m in the middle of a conference call. I’m sorry, but I have to say it again. WTF?
Me: So, does that mean you’re mad at her for telling me because you wanted to tell me yourself? I think you owe me that because, now, I probably have one, too.
Phillip: I DO NOT have an STD!
Me: I mean, I’m a little freaked out by how you got one and who you got it from, but we can just take medicine or something, right?
Phillip: JADYN! Listen to what I’m saying! I DO NOT HAVE AN STD!!!
Me: Well, your mother thinks you do.
Phillip: I have to go. I’m on a conference call. I’ll talk to you about this in a few.
I don’t respond because I can tell he’s irritated by all this. It’s not my fault his mom told me. Why is he getting all bent out of shape? Maybe it’s because he wanted to tell me in person, but wait. No. He said he doesn’t have one. I mean, if his mom let the proverbial cat out of the bag, wouldn’t he fess up if he did?
I’m starting to feel a little less itchy already. So, even though it’s still in the back of my mind, I try to get back to work.
I just got an email from the realtor in Kansas City, so I’m scrolling through photos of buildings that are possibilities for temporary offices. I see a few that look promising and am composing a nice email to her to let her know which ones I want to see.
Vibrate.
Phillip: To my textually challenged and wedding-on-the-brain mom, STD = SAVE THE DATE!
Me: OMG!!! Thank you, GOD!!!
I call Lori. She puts Danny on speaker, so I can break the bad news about our unfortunate STDs to them together.
“So,” I say, “STD does not mean sexually transmitted disease.”
“It doesn’t?” they both say.
“Nope. Not to Phillip’s mom. It’s wedding speak for save the date.”
“OMG! That’s hilarious!” Lori says with a giggle.
“I know, right? I accused Phillip of having an STD while he was in the middle of a conference call. I was freaking out and feeling itchy and feverish and everything!”
“You’re such a freak,” Danny says.
Lori says, “A lucky freak, is more like it. Hey, I have to run. Love you!”
Danny stays on. “So … how come you never told me you slept with Richie Rich this summer?”
“Maybe I didn’t think it was any of your business.”
“Or you didn’t want Phillip to find out?”
“Both. Duh! So, shut up!”
“Bye. Love you,” he says.
