We’re back in Kansas City and out at a sports bar with Danny, Lori, some of Danny’s teammates, and their wives.
We just ordered dinner, and somehow, the subject has turned to sex.
And not just any sex, but my sex life in particular.
Lori—who, now that she’s pregnant, seems to think she can say anything and get away with it—decides that this is the perfect time, in front of all these people I barely know, to mention that I might have been worried about having an STD for real because I went home that drunken night with Jason O’Connor.
Keep in mind, I would never in a million years think Jason had an STD. Also keep in mind that Phillip doesn’t know I was with Jason this past summer, and Lori knows damn well that I didn’t want Phillip to know this.
I’m pretty sure Danny’s whole team knows the STD story; like I said, everyone thinks it’s pretty hilarious.
I can handle a little teasing, but when Lori says, “What made it more humorous is that she had a drunken night with this Richie Rich guy, and she was really worried Phillip’s mom somehow knew she had one.”
At which, Phillip glares at me.
Shit.
It’s not like Phillip went without sex all summer. I mean, I don’t think he did. But we’re in a group and supposed to be having fun, and I’ve had a couple of beers. Maybe we can all laugh about it, and Phillip won’t care.
So, I say, “Well, so what? He was a freebie anyway.”
And the guys are like, “A freebie?”
“Yeah, I’d been with him before, so he was the perfect one-night stand because he didn’t count.”
Big lineman Marcus says, “Didn’t count for what?”
“You know, like, your total.”
He smiles at me and nods his head in understanding.
Apparently, the throw-Jadyn-under-the-bus sickness is spreading like a virus because Danny says in his twelve-year-old voice, “So, Jay, how many guys have you slept with?”
I have to say, I’m a little embarrassed by this.
One, it is no one’s business.
Two, it’s no one’s business.
And, three, Danny has no room to talk.
“I didn’t keep track, but I know you did. Has Lori seen your little, well, make that long-ass list?”
He ignores my comment even though I can see Lori’s brain going, There’s a list?
“Come on, Jay. It’s not like we don’t know them all anyway. This would be a good way for Phillip and me to test our memory. You know, challenging your cognitive function is very important as we age. This might be more complex than a Sudoku puzzle. Let’s start with Matt, freshman year.”
I roll my eyes at him.
“Freshman year?” one of the guys named Chase asks. “You started early, huh? Wild child?”
“Uh, no,” Danny says, “freshman year of college.”
“Oh, wow. Did you used to be fat or something?” Marcus says.
This from a man who is three times my size.
Danny saves me. “Nope, she’s always looked pretty much like this.”
“Then, what happened?” Chase’s wife asks.
Okay, so now, I’m forced to make a statement about the young people of today. Shouldn’t they be applauding my ability to wait so long? Do they think I wanted to wait that long for what I hoped was love?
“I thought we were all supposed to wait for love; didn’t any of you?” I’m hoping this will steer the conversation toward their experiences and away from mine.
But, apparently, I’m the freak at the table they all want to look at under the microscope because Marcus is like, “Well, sure, but we wanna hear about you.”
I roll my eyes, but I don’t want to be a bitch and tell them to all mind their own freaking business, so I say, “I was ready to my junior year. I was dating this guy, Jake—”
“DOUCHE,” Phillip and Danny both pretend cough.
“Oh, shut up, you two. The only guys you wanted me to date were you, so of course, you never liked my boyfriends. You were both just jealous.”
“He was still a douche,” Danny says, “and you know it.”
“Ignore them,” Marcus tells me.
So, I keep going. “Anyway, we’d been going out for, like, a month, and I would think I was ready, and then something would happen—”
“Cheater,” both Phillip and Danny fake cough again.
“And we would break up. And they’re right; he was a douche, but he was so hot.”
This gets the wives’ attention.
“What’d he look like?” Chase’s wife asks.
“Oh, he had that hot bad-boy thing going on. Longer, dark hair, his bangs were always in his dark eyes, and you never knew what to expect from him. He didn’t give a darn what people thought of him and got into a lot of trouble at school, mostly ’cause he was mouthy. He was kind of a slacker, true, but he was also the quarterback after Danny left, and he had great arm muscles. He could be super sweet, and he was the first boy who told me he loved me.”
Like, besides Phillip.
Phillip catches my eye and points to his chest. He’s letting me know that he was really the first boy to tell me that. I smile dreamily at him.
“Ah … first love. He sounds adorable even if he was a jerk,” Marcus’s wife comments. “I mean, what high school boy wasn’t a jerk?”
Danny, Lori, and I all look at Phillip at the same time and say, “Phillip.”
The whole table laughs, and Phillip blows me a kiss.
Marcus is like, “Go on.”
“We would break up and get back together, but usually, when we broke up, it was ’cause he was a jerk. We’d get back together, but I’d make him wait a while. I was trying to see if he was serious, but then he’d be a douche again. That went on most of my senior year. When I was finally ready to do it with just about anyone, I couldn’t get anyone to do it with me.”
“No way,” Chase says.
I nod and tell them the sad truth, “Yeah, way. I was gonna do it with Jake the night he broke up with me. Had on the sexy underwear and everything. It was a fail.” I raise my eyebrows at them. “But that was the night Danny kissed me, and I thought maybe I would do it with him instead.”
“You did?” Danny says with a shocked look all over his face.
“You really didn’t hear Lisa screaming in the cornfield, ‘You should do it with Danny’? She always had a huge crush on you.”
“So, Danny turned you down?” Marcus asks.
A wave of sadness suddenly washes over me.
Phillip can see it on my face, so he says, “No, he didn’t. He got in a fight with Jake, so I took Jadyn home.”
Danny looks at me with concern but probably figures the night my parents died is not something I wanna talk about with acquaintances at the bar. He says with a grin, “But then there was prom night.”
I smile at him, and he knows I’m thanking him for getting us back into easier territory. “That was the night he turned me down, Marcus.”
Marcus and this Alex guy say, “You were dumb, dude.”
“Jay, you know it wasn’t like that.”
“Oh, that’s right; big stud Danny got scared, drunk, and passed out instead.”
All the guys laugh hysterically at that.
“So, you’re right; Matt was the first, and after that, it really depends on who you wanna count.”
Alex says, “What do you mean, who you wanna count?”
“Yeah, we want to know how many,” Danny says.
“Well, it doesn’t really work like that, does it, Lori?”
She’s been awfully quiet through all of this, little bus driver there. She also happens to be the queen of he didn’t really count.
She smirks at me but keeps her mouth shut.
The other wives agree, “Right.”
The guys are looking at the women, all confused.
“I know for you guys, it’s all black and white. I slept with her, or I didn’t. But I think girls tend to look at that question and see lots of shades of gray.”
“Like some guys you did it with don’t count,” Marcus’s wife, Madison, says bluntly.
“Exactly,” Lori and I agree.
“Wait,” Danny says. “So, who wouldn’t count?”
Madison says, “I know one. The guy you met at the bar and thought was hot. But, when you sobered up, you realized he wasn’t. Like, not at all. I don’t think you’d count him.”
Marcus is like, “Why wouldn’t you count him?”
To which, I reply, “Because, if you’d been in your right mind, you never would have.”
Duh.
Madison tells us, “I had a friend call me one shameful morning and ask me if it counts when you wake up, naked, in a guy’s bed, but you don’t remember doing anything.”
“What’d you tell her?” Chase asks.
“I told her not to worry, that it didn’t count. If you don’t remember it, you didn’t do it, right?”
“That’s how Lori kept her numbers down,” I tease.
“Okay, I can kinda understand that,” Alex says. “So, does that mean, girls don’t count any one-night stands or drunken sex?”
“I think, if he was hot, you’d count him,” Madison says.
“Oh, yes. If he was hot, you’d definitely count him,” I say.
Lori finally decides to pipe in on the conversation. “Jade, remember that hot-ass bartender you did? You count him, don’t you?”
“What bartender?” Phillip asks.
I’m running boys through my mind, praying that I slept with another bartender somewhere along the way, and that’s the one she’s remembering.
But no.
She looks at Phillip and Danny like they’re idiots. “You know, the one from Kegger’s who always let Jade drink even though he knew she was underage. He had that adorable, spiky blond hair, those big green eyes, and the longest eyelashes we’d ever seen. What was his name?”
“Bradley?” Phillip says. “You slept with Bradley?”
“Uh … maybe.” I put on my sweetest face.
I hope.
Danny’s like, “So, that’s why we always got free drinks? And here I thought, it was ’cause I was the hot-shit quarterback. Although, come to think of it, I only got free rounds when I was with you.”
“We got free rounds a lot,” Phillip states adamantly.
“Uh, well, it might have been more than one one-night stand,” Lori says. “Did you really not know that, Phillip?”
“No, I did not,” Phillip says, his eyes boring into mine.
I give Danny my I’m panicked here; please do something look, but he thinks it’s funny and is laughing at me.
Fortunately, Alex chips in, “Who else wouldn’t you count?”
“If he sucked,” his wife says.
There are choruses of, “Yeah,” and, “Exactly,” and, “For sure,” from the girls.
“Oh, and if you cheated on your boyfriend with someone, I don’t think you would count him either,” Lori says with a grin.
“I could get you in a lot of trouble, you know. I have way more dirt on you,” I whisper quietly to her.
“You ladies are scaring me,” Marcus says. “So, who would you count?”
To that, he gets a bunch of replies.
“Guys you had a relationship with.”
“Hot guys.”
“Yeah, definitely the hot ones.”
“The ones who were good.”
“Yeah, even if they weren’t that hot.”
“Oh, and the memorable ones,” I say.
“Memorable how?” Danny asks.
Lori opens her big mouth again. “Oh, like the guy who worked at the movie theater?”
“What was memorable about the movie-theater guy?” Chase asks.
“Let’s just say, it has to do with popcorn butter and the back of a movie theater and leave it at that,” Lori says.
“Oh my God, Lori, you’re making me sound like a slut. I dated the movie-theater guy for two months and never had sex with him. It’s not like I did him for free popcorn.”
Danny gets mouthy. “Two whole months, Jay? That was, like, a record for you.”
“Uh, no. Four months was my record, and you have no room to talk, Mr. Revolving Bedroom Door.”
“How long will you and Phillip have been dating when you get married?”
“Four months,” I shoot back.
Danny pats Phillip on the back and says, “Dude,” like in sorrow.
“Danny, maybe we should talk about your sex life. How many girls are on that list? I mean, I lost count sophomore year.”
“You were never very good with math, blondie,” Danny quips.
“Shut up!” I yell.
Lori says, “Yeah, Danny, how many? We’ve never really discussed this.”
I can tease Danny all I want to, but I love him, and I can see that this conversation is going nowhere good and fast. So, I toss him a life preserver by saying, “Well, how many for you, Lori? Remember that wrestler dude? And who could forget all the things you did with that guy from your Anatomy class in the name of studying?” Let’s put her under the microscope for a little while.
“Jay, we might need to talk about this later,” Danny teases.
“Trust me, Danny; her number is smaller than yours. Even without the mental revisions.”
“That’s weird,” Alex says, “because I think guys count every single girl regardless of the circumstances.”
“Even if she was nasty?” I question.
“Uh, yeah, I think so. Guys?”
And all the guys are like, “Yeah.”
“What if she was your best friend’s girl?” Marcus’s wife, Madison, asks.
Marcus says, “Yeah, sure. I mean, I did.”
Then, both he and his wife get big grins on their faces, and he continues, “But, then again, I married her.”
