We’re in Vegas for my bachelorette party!
We got into town early this morning, checked in, and immediately headed to the spa. We all had massages, facials, and body scrubs. We soaked in the whirlpool, ate lunch, drank lots of water and a little wine, and then headed back to our suite. We’re going to have a drink while we figure out our dinner and clubbing plans.
I plop down on the couch between Chelsea and Katie. “Are you guys tired?”
Chelsea says, “I’m so relaxed; I don’t feel like moving.”
“Who knew a spa day could wear you out so much?” Katie agrees.
“So, what do you guys wanna do? Should we get ready to go out?” Lori asks everyone.
Katie and I groan at the thought of getting ready.
Lori happily continues, “Well, if we don’t feel like going anywhere, let’s get comfy, order room service, and just stay here and chill.”
I know Lisa is dying to hit the clubs, but Lori looks tired. I quickly agree with her. “I think that sounds like a great idea!” I’m hoping everyone is either too tired or too polite to disagree with what the bachelorette wants.
The smile Lori gives me sorta melts my heart. She wants me to have fun but wants so much to be a part of everything. I bet it’s kinda hard, being the only one who can’t drink. If we stay here, she’ll be happy, and I want her to be happy.
Lori grabs Katie off the big sectional couch, drags her into the bedroom, and comes back lugging gift-wrapped packages.
“What’s all this?” I ask.
“Open them and see!” she says.
I watch the girls open their presents. I love watching people open presents. The girls pull matching purple velour Juicy Couture sweatsuits out from purple glitter tissue paper.
Lori tells everyone, “I got these for us to wear while we’re getting ready the day of the wedding, but we can all put them on now!” She notices I haven’t opened mine yet. “Jade, open yours! Yours is the best.”
I slowly unwrap the present. Savoring it, like I always do. I also have matching sweats.
Lori pulls the jacket out of the box and holds it up. “Look, everyone!”
The backs of all the jackets have Juicy written across them. Mine has been customized with black and silver rhinestones that spell out Bride.
I am a JUICY Bride.
(Insert your own joke here. I’m really too relaxed to feel witty.)
We have a great time, just lounging, eating, and drinking. But, as the wine bottles are emptied, what’s supposed to be a sweet, relaxing night turns into a wine-fueled roast of the bride.
As in me.
I swear, they’re telling every humiliating dating story about me!
Is nothing sacred with these women?
I’m feeling pretty mellow though, and I have to admit, some of the things that have happened with me and boys are pretty amusing.
I should write a book about it.
Not a how-to book. No. This would be a revolutionary book.
It would start a whole new category of books. Screw the self-help books.
Instead of a book telling you what to do, this book would tell you what not to do.
A how-not-to book.
Things you should be wary of. Things you should never do. Lines you should never fall for. Basically, how to survive college.
This book would probably be the size of War and Peace, especially if I, like, went on the internet and compiled other girls’ how-not-tos as well.
Chelsea, my adorable sorority baby sister, starts the whole thing by saying, “Remember when that guy called Jadyn by the wrong name, and she believed his lame-ass excuse?”
They all laugh hysterically.
DO NOT #1: If a guy calls you another name, you should run away! DO NOT believe him when he says he was just reading a novel for his Advanced Literature class and related to the character and his feelings for his love, who, “Oh, baby, reminds me so much of you that I accidentally said her name.”
Yeah, don’t fall for that. He’s lying. I’m pretty sure there were no girls named Kelsey in any Advanced Literature books.
Katie laughs. “She always used to fall for the line, Let’s go to my room, so we can talk in private.”
Lori, who hasn’t even had any wine, giggles at me. “Everyone knows that one, Jade. How do you even fall for that?”
I’m pretty sure that’s one of those rhetorical questions, so I don’t even bother to reply.
DO NOT #2: DO NOT believe him when he says he wants to go someplace quiet to talk, especially if you’re tipsy. Talking is the very last thing on his mind.
The girls keep giggling.
Lori half-laughs and half-screams, “What about when everyone thought she was the threesome video girl?”
I decide to defend myself on this one. “It’s not my fault I’m nice. He asked me out in such a cute way.”
Lori laughs. “He handed you a dandelion! How was that cute? That’s, like, the lamest thing ever!”
“No, it wasn’t. Phillip used to pick me dandelions when we were kids. It was adorable.”
DO NOT #3: If you are best friends with two hot guys and you decide to date a slightly smaller, somewhat insecure guy who’s adorable in the I rescued this lost kitten sort of way, DO NOT bring your hot, buff roommates to the bar to meet him. He will immediately think that all you do when you go home is lie around naked, have sex, and make sex videos.
Yes, that’s what his feeble little mind came up with, and because he was insecure, he also chose to spread that sweet, adorable thought all around campus. For three seemingly unending weeks, I got numerous texts from guys who wanted to get to know me better with their cameras. And others who wanted me to send them just one naked picture.
It’s like they wanted proof to show their friends that they had in fact kissed (or whatever) the threesome video girl.
Chelsea giggles. “Oh my gosh! Do you remember the night she hurled burritos and tequila all over the frat house?”
DO NOT #4: DO NOT get drunk off tequila shots and then attempt to navigate through a fraternity party to find your friend and usual rescuer because, sometimes, you can’t find him in your drunken state, and you’re forced to send up a flare or smoke signals or something.
In this particular case, the signal was me hurling tequila, beer, and a burrito dinner all over the dance floor and half the crowd there.
I will mention though that this is a very effective way to clear the place out and force your friend to get off the girl he was doing God knows what with and come help you. It does not, however, earn you points with the guy who gave you all the tequila shots in the first place.
Lori grabs my arm. “Jade, wasn’t that the same guy who said, if you squeezed your left hand into a fist, then you wouldn’t have a gag reflex?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, he’s the one. Thanks for remembering.”
Lisa and Katie roll around on the couch, holding their sides and laughing.
Lisa screeches, “Who would ever believe that? Even I’m not that dumb!”
Chelsea almost spits out her wine; she’s laughing so hard.
DO NOT #5: DO NOT believe a boy who tells you that, if you squeeze your left hand into a fist, then you will not have a gag reflex, and therefore, putting something of his in your mouth will be fine even though you told him you were already feeling a little spinny and nauseous.
Obviously, the squeezed fist is a myth, and he should’ve been thankful that I didn’t throw up all over his room.
I cringe. “Can we please talk about something else?”
Lori and Chelsea look at each other, grab hands, and scream, “SKITTLES VODKA!”
DO NOT #6: DO NOT listen when football players tell you adding Skittles to vodka makes it less strong and more like candy. It will still mess you up.
Chelsea screams, “No, wait! I have one. Remember the night we made her wear the Do Not Buy Me Shots button to the bar? Ohmigawd, that night was classic!”
DO NOT #7: DO NOT ever let your friends make you wear a button to the bar that says DO NOT BUY ME SHOTS. This button is like having a beacon on your body that says DO Buy Me Shots because there are boys out there with that Christopher Columbus attitude. They want to go to new frontiers and explore new worlds. And those types of boys will want to discover exactly what happens when you do. And, without going into detail here, trust me; it’s not pretty.
Lori laughs some more. “What about the slutty hot-tub video?”
“We don’t need to talk about that,” I say, laughing and covering my face in fake shame. That night was really fun.
DO NOT #8: DO NOT let a bunch of your best friend’s fraternity brothers talk you into seeing how many guys you can fit in the hot tub with. Just say no and go to bed. And, if you can’t say that, try to say no when they get out the cooking oil and rub everyone down with it, thinking that will allow more people to fit. I’m telling you, if there is enough Jägermeister involved, anything is possible. And, if you do all this anyway, then at least DO NOT let someone record the process and post it on YouTube. No matter what, it’s gonna look slutty. And, on a side note, it might be a good idea to untag yourself from said video, so your future employers don’t see it when they Google your name.
Katie grabs her laptop, finds the video, and plays it for everyone. They think it’s hilarious.
I think I’ll just have a little more wine.
It’s at this point that I really wanna call Phillip, but I know I shouldn’t. He’s probably at a strip club with some gorgeous, fake-boobed babe gyrating on his lap. But, as Katie and Lisa start telling the keg in the cornfield story, specifically how Jake announced my virginity to the world, well, I cave.
I send him a text.
I figure I won’t get one back at all, but I guess it makes me feel better, knowing that, if he sees it, maybe he’ll think about me for just a minute between stuffing dollar bills down some chick’s thong.
Me: Just wanted to say I love you and miss you. This is the first night I’ve spent away from you in almost three months.
I’m surprised by his immediate response.
Phillip: I miss you and love you more.
Me: Are you having a lot of fun?
Phillip: I’d be having more fun if I were with you.
Me: Me, too!
Phillip: Danny will take my phone away if he sees me texting you, but I love you. And don’t worry about tonight. There’s no one for me but you. <3
And I feel happy for the rest of the night.
