I finished some last-minute Christmas shopping this morning. Now, I’m sorting through my condo. I can’t believe we get to move into our house right after the honeymoon. I’m so excited, and I’m really trying to get organized. I have piles to donate, piles of stuff to return to friends, piles of shower gifts, and trash piles. I swing open the patio door because I’m sweating from all this organization, grab a stack of magazines I need to go through, and sit on the couch.
All of a sudden, I see something move out of the corner of my eye.
AAAHHH!
OMG!
Like, no, you don’t understand.
This is like, OH MY GOD!
I’m seeing the biggest freaking spider I have ever seen in my life!
The spider is standing just inside the patio door, staring at me. Not even moving. And he is big enough to really creep me out!
Think, Jadyn.
Raid!
I need Raid! Or bug spray of some kind.
I run into the bathroom and realize I have no Raid, but I do find some mosquito repellent. I run back out to the living room, stand on the coffee table, and fire it down on him. The spider moves toward me, but he doesn’t die. It doesn’t really even seem to faze him.
Damn!
Now, he knows I’m after him!
I jump from the coffee table to the couch, and then I run back into the bathroom and look for something else.
I slowly come back out, looking for him.
The spider hasn’t really moved much, but his little hairy legs are twitching like he’s trying to figure out his next move.
I’m armed with more things to try to kill him. First, I spray him with a great hair product that adds shine to my hair. The spider doesn’t die, but now, the living room smells like grapes. I throw the shining spray onto the couch and spray him with some Big Sexy Hair Spray.
The spider just looks into my eyes and sends me spider telepathy. He says, I’m going to have shiny, gorgeous hair when I kill you.
Ahh!
What else do I have?
I spy my tennis shoe by the front door.
Oh. No way.
Gross.
I jump off the coffee table, leap toward the hall closet, and grab one of Phillip’s big running shoes.
I toss it at the spider.
The spider, I swear to God, dodges the shoe, laughs, and throws it back at me.
I decide it’s time to call in reinforcements.
I grab my cell and call Phillip.
“Phillip, there’s a huge spider in the house. You’ve got to come and KILL IT NOW!”
“Princess,” he says in a patronizing tone, “surely, you can kill a little spider.”
“Didn’t you hear me? I said, it’s a huge-ass spider!”
“Well, kill it with some bug spray or a shoe. I’m kinda busy here.”
“I tried that, Phillip. I tried mosquito spray because I didn’t have any Raid. When that didn’t work, I tried hair shiner and hair spray. And the spider just told me, Thanks. I hate mosquitos, and now, my hair looks shiny and gorgeous, and I swear to God, it threw your shoe back at me! That’s how big this spider is. You have to come NOW!”
“Calm down. Suck it up in the vacuum cleaner then.”
“And give him a new home in my vacuum? No way! He’s not a genie, Phillip. He won’t come back out and offer me three wishes. He’ll come back out and be pissed at being all dirty, and he will AMBUSH us in our sleep!” I scream, “AHHH!” and jump back onto the coffee table.
“What now?”
“He’s chasing me, Phillip! Don’t you understand? I’m under attack here! Stop talking to me, hang up, run to your car, and get your ASS over here! NOW!”
“Oh, who’s bossy now?”
“Phillip, when I said I was under attack, I wasn’t joking. I’m pretty sure I saw him send out a battle cry to all his spider friends. And he’s strategically blocking my way to the patio door because that’s where his troops are gonna come in! And, when you finally get home, there will be nothing left of me but a carcass covered in spider webs with a million huge spiders eating at me. Do you know what a horrible death that will be?”
“You’re being silly. Just kill the damn spider.”
“Fine. I’m done marrying you. I’m gonna go find a real man to marry. One who’s willing to take care of me when I’m in a crisis and neeeed him!”
“All right, jeez. I’m coming.”
I hang up and see my neighbor Wayne out in his yard.
“WAAAYNE!” I scream my loudest, most horrifying scream toward my patio door.
Wayne turns to look in my direction, but I don’t think he can see me because the sun’s in his eyes, so I yell, “HEEELP! SOS! SOS! CODE RED! Foxtrot, Unicorn, Charlie, KILO!!!”
Wayne is a retired military man, so I screamed all the military terms I could think of.
Wayne was, like, Special Forces and all that. That is exactly what I need! Not some dumb boy who’s going to argue on the phone with me as to whether or not I need help.
I must’ve gotten Wayne’s attention because he comes running over to my patio door.
He’s just about to cross my threshold into enemy territory when I scream, “Stop! Don’t come any closer!”
Wayne is rapidly assessing the area with his eyes. I think he thinks I was attacked, and there’s a rapist running loose, and I’m standing on my coffee table, trying to avoid him.
“Jadyn, what’s wrong? Why are you on the coffee table?”
I put my finger up to my lips to tell him to shush, and then I slowly, secretly point down at the spider on the floor. The spider has been sitting halfway between the patio door and me. It’s been staring at me, sizing me up, trying to figure out just how many webs it will take to catch me and make me a year’s worth of meals. But, when it heard Wayne’s voice, it moved ninety degrees to face him. I’m feeling a little scared for Wayne, but he’s ex-military, right?
He can deal, I would think.
Wayne looks down at the massive spider. And what does this ex-Special Forces guy do?
He shudders and shakes his head at me. “HOLY SHIT! That’s a big freaking spider. Spiders give me the willies.”
“Me, too. The spider has been staring at me, planning my demise.”
“I can see that.”
But Wayne’s brave, so he says, “You got any big gloves?”
About twenty minutes later, Phillip strolls leisurely through the front door.
“Phillip, it’s been twenty minutes. The office is only six minutes away during morning traffic! You didn’t even hurry!”
“I needed to get gas. So, where is this huge spider?” He looks at me in that way. That way people do when they think you’re a stupid idiot, and they’re just humoring you.
Which makes me really mad.
“Phillip, you should’ve been so worried about me that you drove over here on fumes, and when the car ran out of gas, you should’ve ditched it and run as fast as you could to save me.”
He rolls his eyes at me. “I think maybe you’re being a tad overdramatic.”
“No! I AM NOT! And you missed out. Wayne was outside in his yard, and so I screamed like a maniac from the coffee table. He came over and saved me, and the spider was so big; it gave even him the willies. And he’s an ex-RANGER! And I’m just little old me!”
Phillip starts to protest, so I continue. “Yes, Phillip, the ex-Ranger, Special Forces, top military guy told me he wished he’d brought his gun; it was so big. And, yes, he did kill it. Well, eventually.”
“Eventually?”
“Yes, well, first, he put on oven mitts because I didn’t have any kind of protective gloves. He also used a spatula, which is now in the trash. Then, he took a paper bag and, like, herded the spider into the bag with the spatula. He has the spider in the bag on his deck if you’d like to go now and see its carcass.”
I watch Phillip go over to Wayne’s deck. Wayne walks in his condo, comes back out with beers for the two of them, and shows him the bag.
I go on a massive spider hunt. Checking everywhere I can think of, making sure he had no friends in my house.
Phillip comes back over with a beer in his hand. “Wow. I’m sorry. That was a big freaking spider.”
“I know. I’m very traumatized.” I pout.
He sets his beer down, pulls me in close, and starts kissing down my neck. “Let’s see if I can help you forget about the spider.”
“Phillip, you didn’t save me. You don’t get to have thank-you sex. I should be having sex with Wayne.”
“Hmm, but I’m here now, and he’s calling all his friends to come over and see the dead spider.”
He lets go of me, and for a second, I’m worried he doesn’t want me after all. But he gives me a grin, locks the patio door, and then picks me up and throws me over his shoulder like I’m a sack of something.
I scream and giggle as Phillip carries me through the maze of boxes and into our bedroom. He tosses me on the spider-free bed.
“I think maybe I need to earn my own, uh, Special Forces badge.”
And, wow …
Oh my …
I really should find big spiders and have a neighbor kill them for me more often.
Seriously.
I don’t know about Special Forces, but I’m pretty sure Phillip could medal in sexual Olympics.
