HAYES
It’s been two days since Aeris broke up with me. And I’ve deserved every miserable second of it.
The cold bite from the bench has my ass half-frozen, and I’ve been watching my teammates practice for the upcoming game. I feel useless not being able to help them—even though I’m pretty sure I’d do more harm than good in my current mental state.
I fucked up. I lied. I had so many chances to come clean, and I didn’t. I protected my ego when I should’ve been protecting her. I’m a coward.
But I knew how this story was going to end, didn’t I? I knew it from the moment I agreed to this “fake relationship” plan. I played the part of the villain, and I can’t act surprised when I don’t get the girl.
Aeris is my whole world, and she always will be. She’s the salve to my hockey-inflicted wound. There will always be a part of me that belongs to her, no matter where we go, or who we end up with.
I’ve had an epiphany for the first time in my twenty-four years of life. I’ve always been surrounded by girls, by options, and I’ve never had to go looking very far for them. It’s like I’ve been following a broken compass this whole time, pointing me east, west, and south, but never north. Never true north. Never home. Aeris is home.
I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without her. I can’t imagine not seeing her face next to me in the morning. I should’ve fought harder.
“You look like shit,” Bristol notes, taking his first break of the hour.
“Gee, thanks.” I scratch my fingernails against the peeling tape on my stick, fixating my gaze on a spot of ice that doesn’t look particularly fascinating.
I haven’t told anyone about the breakup yet. I didn’t want their pitiful looks. I didn’t want to breathe it into existence. I didn’t want it to be real.
His body lists closer to mine. “What’s going on, H? Is this about the suspension? You’ll be able to play again in a month.”
I wish it was about the suspension. I wish I could blame the suspension for being the reason I haven’t slept, eaten, or showered in days.
“It’s not about the suspension,” I say, a long-winded sigh filtering out of my lips.
I know Bristol’s trying to console me, but it’s only making me feel worse. He’s staring at me so intently that it feels like he’s trying to dig through my memories and pinpoint the exact moment everything went downhill.
“This is about Aeris,” he says.
“She broke up with me.”
The tone in his voice is raw with pity. “Hayes…”
I place my head in my gloved hands. “She found out, Bri. About everything. I should’ve told her. I should’ve been honest with her from the beginning.”
Her words echo in my mind. There shouldn’t have been an us, Hayes. This whole ‘relationship’ was built on some stupid ruse to better your reputation.
I’m not going to let someone ever treat me like that again. And that includes you.
Water streams from my eyes in steady rivulets, pooling in the canyon of my mouth, where saliva and phlegm suction my lips together. My rapid pulse is an urgent melody bombarding my ears. There’s perspiration on my skin, and the frozen fire charring my insides rivals the cold chill worming up my spine.
I feel like I can’t breathe.
I take my helmet off, and then I begin to rip off my gloves.
My hands claw desperately at my throat to relieve my constricted airways. A thick film of blurriness falls over my eyes, distorting everything in my line of sight. It’s like everything’s moving around me in slow motion, and I can’t keep up, no matter how fast I move. Bristol is reduced to an abstract blob in my peripheral, and the faint, warbled tone emanating from his direction suggests that he’s talking to me.
His voice comes out in muffled interludes, but his concern is as clear as day. “H, what’s going on?”
“I…don’t…know,” I gasp.
“Fuck, okay.” Bristol slings one arm over my shoulder and helps me to my feet, shouldering his way past the exit of the rink, leading me down a secluded hallway.
Dizziness expands like an atomic blast in my head.
He steadies me with his hands, inhaling and exhaling deeply, trying to get me to follow his instruction. “Take a breath.”
I silence the thoughts whizzing through my mind long enough for my breath to fall back into a regular cadence. Then I paste my back against the wall and slide down, bringing my knees into my chest. I let the sound of my own heart tranquilize me, and I count each beat until I can focus my gaze on the ground in front of me.
The body-gripping panic has successfully washed the sting out from my eyes. “What just happened?”
“I think you had a panic attack,” Bristol answers.
I’ve never had a panic attack before. Not even after my mother died.
“How did you know what to do?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I, uh, I used to get them when I was younger. Usually before hockey games or tests—high-stress situations.”
How did I not know? Bristol and I have been friends since third grade. I’m such a shitty friend. I didn’t take his advice when he gave it to me, and now, everything’s blown up in my face. If I’d only just listened to him.
“Look, I know things seem hopeless right now, but you two can come back from this. It can be fixed. It can always be fixed,” Bristol insists, though his efforts fail to abate the pain rioting inside me.
When Aeris walked away from me, she unknowingly put a crack in me. A crack that’ll continue to grow with time. A crack that, left untreated, will make me break because I’ll be unable to withstand the weight of the world bearing down on my shoulders.
“Maybe it’s not supposed to be fixed,” I admit, visceral guilt jamming the lining of my throat.
“What do you mean?” he asks.
Grief flourishes through my body. “Think about it, Bri. We didn’t get together under the right terms. She was never mine to lose to begin with.”
I feel like I’m watching my whole world crumble before my very eyes. I’m on the other side of the looking glass, unable to speak or move, standing by as the best thing that’s ever happened to me slowly evaporates out of my life.
“You have the chance to do the right thing, H.”
I struggle to find my voice. “What are you talking about?”
Aeris doesn’t want to see me, and I want to respect her wishes. She made it clear that we were done. But I didn’t even try to fight for her…for us. I just let her walk away.
“If you really regret everything—which I know you do—you need to show her. You can’t just tell her. You need to show her how much she means to you, and you need to make her believe it. You need to win her back.”
