The two bullets on my nightstand had a strange mosquito-like hum coming from them. I slowly reached for them, and the bullets singed my finger even though I barely grazed them.
A small growl vibrated through me. I stuck my finger in my mouth then pulled it out to look at the burnt skin on the tip.
What the hell was that?
I blinked and felt something move, like another presence in my mind. It was faint, almost like a ghost hovering on the edges of what felt like my sanity.
I froze and focused inward, but every time I got closer it darted away, as if we were playing a game of keep-away. I looked around the bedroom, emptiness around me until I felt a tingle in my mind.
“Charlotte?” There was a light knocking on the other side of the door. Derek cracked it open enough for me to see relief flood his face.
I looked at my hands then back around the room.
Everything looked the same but nothing felt the same.
Because I felt different. I couldn’t put a name to why; I only had the feeling that felt like trying to hold on to a dream after you’ve awakened.
The feeling of Derek carefully hugging me felt too good to be the former. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
“Why did you leave?”
“Levi was right, you needed to do it on your own,” he replied with a sleepy smile.
I sat up a little more in bed, wincing from the ache that was making itself known. It felt like I had been chewed up then taken through a meat grinder. “I passed out. I thought . . .”
He shook his head. A warm smile tugged on his lips.
“You were in and out of it most of the night. Levi said he thought you weren’t going to make it a few times, but it looks like you did.”
“Levi—”
“He sat with you. He said he had to see it for himself or he wouldn’t believe it.”
“Right.” My mouth was so dry that I almost choked on my own spit. I looked around again to double-check that I wasn’t in fact dead.
“The bullets, they burn?”
He nodded. “Silver. It can kill a werewolf, vampire too.
Some legends are, in fact, true.”
“Fantastic.” I guess I was going to have to pawn my jewelry after all.
Derek laughed and stood. He held a hand out for me.
“Come on. I made a killer breakfast, per usual.”
Dazed, I nodded. “Sounds good.”
I tried to get out of bed on my own but almost ate the side of the end table. My whole body felt like Jell-O that someone had taken Thor’s hammer to. Derek caught me then proceeded to help me walk into the kitchen, where the smell of cinnamon and coffee became lures for my legs to move.
“I made cinnamon rolls,” he told me with a proud smile.
He paused so I could grab the side of the kitchen counter, then zipped over to the oven.
I found myself smiling at the sheer miracle of the situation until I saw Levi sitting at the kitchen table. He was reading a worn hardback copy of The Count of Monte Cristo and drinking a cup of coffee, like it was Sunday morning.
Was it Sunday?
Somehow, my feet carried me over to the table to sit across from him, my mouth trying to hide the groan from the pain in my legs as I sank into the seat. Levi glanced at me over the top of his book. “I see you didn’t die.”
“You would know, wouldn’t you?” I said. Derek coughed to cover a laugh. He zipped to me with a cup of coffee. “Thank you.”
He winked while Levi rolled his eyes. I took a long sip of coffee and leaned back in my seat. My mind was still trying to comprehend everything that had just happened, that would eventually happen.
“You should have some orange juice. It’s good for you.”
“The Count of Monte Cristo.”
“It’s a classic,” he answered simply.
I leaned forward and found myself reaching for the pitcher of orange juice. “So, I take it you’re going to help me now?”
“A deal is a deal, Charlie girl.”
I opened my mouth to respond when Derek set a plate down in front of me. Three giant gooey cinnamon rolls, scrambled eggs, and three hearty slices of bacon. “Oh my god.” Derek laughed his way into the kitchen while I snatched up my fork.
“Eat up. We have a lot to do today,” Levi said.
“We?”
“You want my help or not?”
I said nothing, just nodded. He put his book down and took a long sip of coffee. “You will do as I tell you, understand?”
“Yes,” I replied, with a firm nod, this thing in me creeping forward to investigate him further.
“You feel her, don’t you?” he asked, and the thing inside me shifted at his words, like she was trying to prove to me as well that she was truly there.
My words caught in the back of my throat. “Her,” I said more to myself, as realization fully set in that she was in fact real. In that moment, I felt the ghost sizzle to life in my mind.
She was there. So present and so alive. A moment both exhilarating and utterly terrifying. A moment that escaped as quickly as it had come, then she faded away like fairy dust on the wind.
Levi leaned back in his seat, holding my gaze as if the confirmation of his belief had spit right in his coffee. He got up, hissing a string of curses under his breath, and walked over to the coffeepot to pour another cup.
I took a long sip of coffee while my fingers massaged my temples.
“Let’s talk.”
My eyes snapped up at him as he walked back to the table. “Okay?”
He took a seat across from me and leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “To survive, you need two things: a strong mind and a strong body. Obviously, you’re short on both of those.”
“Thanks a lot,” I grumbled.
He shrugged. “Is what it is, but we’re going to have to build up your strength and get some meat on your bones.
We’ll start easy then work you up until your body at least has a fighting chance.”
“And my mind?”
He smirked. “Start easy and work your way up. It’s not just about wanting to live. And it’s not just about believing that you can.”
“Then what’s it about?” I huffed.
Levi took another sip of coffee. “Accepting that you can die.”
My breath caught in my throat. Levi took one last sip of coffee then stood up from the table. “Come outside when you’re finished,” is all he said before he left.
After breakfast, I dressed in some yoga pants, old sneakers, and a worn gray sweatshirt from college that I refused to give up. If it was cooler outside, I couldn’t tell. My skin still felt feverish, but Derek told me it was normal. Apparently, my body was still adjusting. My temperature would start to run about the same temperature as a werewolf’s did, which was higher than a human’s.
When I made it outside, Levi was out there already, smoking a cigarette by the pile of logs stacked off to the side of the house that he seemed to have some kind of disdain for. He looked at it with a sour expression, as if the whole thing was completely rotten. I looked at him then back to the woodpile, mostly to see if I could figure out why it was so displeasing to him, but I found myself at a loss.
“So this is . . . ?”
“What you’ll be doing today,” he replied. He walked over to a green plastic chair that faced an old stump with a worn axe leaning against it and sat down. Slowly, he propped one foot up on the small red cooler in front of the chair.
“Which is?” I asked as I looked around.
“Chopping wood.” He took a drag of his cigarette and flicked some ash off to the side. “What does it look like?”
There was a pile of split logs lining the house that reached almost to the roof, and an equally as intimidating pile of wood that had not been chopped opposite it. I felt unease run through me as I shifted on my feet. “I—I’ve never done this before. I don’t even know how.”
“Fair enough,” he answered, almost too calmly for comfort.
He casually stood up and strode over to the pile of unchopped logs. Picking up a round piece, he walked back to the stump and placed it end up. “You set it like this on the stump. You want a piece that’s about this size. Anything smaller you can stack in the chopped pile, anything bigger you double-cut, got it?”
I nodded again. I didn’t see how the hell this was supposed to help me, but I didn’t want to fall from his good graces, so I kept my mouth shut.
He looked back at the stump and picked up the axe next to it, then swung it around and sliced the log like it was butter.
It didn’t look so bad.
“Aim for the middle, and it will split.” He laid the axe against the stump then settled back into his chair.
“So that’s it? I’m splitting logs all day?”
“Exactly.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“And this is going to help, how?”
“Remember that part where you agreed to do what I told you?”
“Remember that part where you also said you would explain what’s happening to me?”
Levi arched a brow before leaning back in his seat. “We have to start you off easy.”
“This is easy?”
“Yeah.” He laughed. “This is easy.”
“Easy.” I snorted.
“You’ve got thirty days,” he said. “Thirty days until the next full moon. You think last night was bad? You better think again. You will need any strength we can build to help your ass.”
“And what if I do go rogue? What if I go nuts?”
He looked at his cigarette then sighed, looking back at me with a firm gaze. “My brother likes to worry his damn ass off. Useless worrying about something that’s so uncertain.”
“But it could happen?”
He shrugged. “It could. You dying next month could happen too.” I bit my tongue and looked at the ground.
“Today, you worry about chopping those damn logs. You take each day on its own and worry about what’s in your control. You’ll drive yourself nuts asking about what-ifs.”
“What will happen to me if I go crazy?”
“That scenario is only possible if you make it to the last moon, and you’ve got to make it through this next one first.
Focus on that—now stop wasting time. Get chopping.”
I bit my tongue and reluctantly strode over to the pile and looked for a log that seemed doable, although the piece I chose was heavier than it looked.
As instructed, I set it end up, then reached for the axe, stumbling because I underestimated how heavy it was. Levi was watching me with a cocked brow. I tried to ignore him and focus on the log in front of me.
Gripping the axe in my hands, I tried to model exactly what he had done. I tried to aim right for the middle, but when I swung the axe over my head, it was too heavy and I was too clumsy. I didn’t even dent the log. I knocked it down.
Levi almost fell out of his chair laughing. I looked over at him, seething from the embarrassment running through me. He stood and picked the red cooler up by the handle.
“You keep at that. I’ll be back.” He walked around to the front of the cabin.
I rolled my eyes and put the log back on top of the stump. I gripped the axe hard and tried to center myself.
Because you were always supposed to center yourself.
Right? But after another swing, it didn’t matter if I had centered myself or not. The axe barely sank two inches into the log.
This went on for what felt like an hour. Me trying. The log getting knocked over. My arms burning with the effort. I watched log after log roll off the main stump with barely any scratches made on them. Each time I would turn around to ensure that Levi had not witnessed my failure; each time I would look at an empty forest and wonder if the trees were secretly laughing at me.
I went back to my log, determined to make something happen. But when I swung the heavy axe, all that happened was another failed attempt.
“I see you haven’t made much progress,” Levi said as he walked back to his chair. He set the cooler down next to him, watching me with devious delight.
I shot him a scowl but held my tongue. Again, I put the stump on the log, and readied myself to swing the axe.
I swung the axe once more, but all I got was a whole log looking back at me.
“You afraid of that log, girl?” he asked as he dug around in the cooler and pulled out a can of beer.
“No,” I growled. “It’s just a log,” I added as he popped the can open. It wasn’t even ten in the morning and he was already gulping down beer like it was ten minutes until happy hour was over.
“You sure about that, Charlie girl?” he asked as he wiped beads of beer from the corner of his mouth.
He took another long drink then chucked the can away and dug out another. I bit my lip and looked back at my penance.
“It’s just a stupid log,” I grumbled to myself as I placed it back on the stump. Again, I swung the axe. At first, I thought I’d split the log, because the axe vibrated so hard it felt like my wrists were going to snap from the reverberations. But when I opened my eyes, I saw that the log was still standing upright, with my axe halfway through it.
“What the hell?”
“Just a log. Ain’t nothing to it.”
I ignored him. It was probably best not to let him get under my skin. My emotions always backfired on me, which was the last thing I needed right now. Instead, I took a deep breath and tried to visualize the shot. I always heard Nate bragging to his golfing buddies that visualizing things turned his game around. He always swore by it.
Something scratched at the back of my mind, slowly opening the heavy door that I had locked. The low chuckling in the background cracked the door open. I bit my lip and swung the axe again, only to completely miss the log.
Something kicked the door open a little more. My pulse picked up while my skin prickled.
“This is better than a damn movie.” Levi snickered, only stoking the fire that was growing in me.
This thing in me was scratching at the door now. It was almost open enough for her to escape. I knew I should hold her back. I knew I should try to hold back.
He leaned forward on his knees. “Go get another. Start again.”
I marched back to the pile and found another log the right size and set it back on the stump. Levi took another long sip of beer while I gripped the axe in my hands, which were already starting to blister.
“All right, let’s see if you can make more than a dent.
Although I won’t complain if you don’t. This is by far the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in a while.”
I felt a growl rumble out of my chest. A low growl that drew a gasp out of me at the same time.
Levi’s brows raised. “You angry about something, Charlie girl?”
“Is that normal?”
Levi chuckled. “Nothing about you is normal.”
“Excuse me?” I was trying to focus. I needed to shut him out so I could focus.
“You heard me.” He laughed.
“What—” I paused and leaned back to look at him.
“What the hell are you even talking about?”
“Getting a little pissed off isn’t rocket science. You did it last night, now do it again.”
“Pissed off?” The moment I said the words was the moment I felt the beast in me take a step out of the door, as if the words in and of themselves were an invitation.
“Mmm,” he hummed into his can of beer.
“Who says I’m not pissed off?”
He almost choked on his drink from laughing. Levi wiped his mouth off, while this thing in me stepped closer. It was like she was licking her lips, laughing in her own twisted madness. “Your man beat you black-and-blue, and you’re not even the slightest big angry? I mean, hell, do you even know what it feels like anymore?”
“Of course, I—”
“Bul shit!” He laughed again before he took a long drink. His words echoed through my mind, striking down the lies that were marching forward to take their normal stance on the front lines of my fucked-up mind. Lies I let Nate lay while I cemented them down, because apparently it was all my fault too. “Stop avoiding it and just let it out,”
Levi said simply.
He dug a cigarette pack out of his back pocket and watched me like he already knew what was coming. I resisted the need to chuck the old beer can at him because I could feel it coming too. I could feel this thing starting to tear down the lies and open the door for truth to flood in.
Nate wasn’t here. I didn’t need to calm down anymore. I needed to let myself feel again. There wasn’t a need to walk on eggshells. I could get angry as hell and there was not a damn thing Nate could do about it.
My hands moved on their own. I felt the axe swing fluidly around me with a fury that I instantly needed more of. I needed to prove to myself that it was real. The pent-up emotions poured out of me while I poured myself into my swing.
There was a loud thud with two more smaller thuds following it.
The log split.
That fucking thing actually split.
I stood there shocked for a second, and stared at the two pieces that had previously been one, lying on either side of the stump.
“Go on, get a little pissed off, Charlie girl. I think this is gonna be real good for you.”
I wasn’t sure if Levi was absolutely off his rocker or a complete genius. But all I knew was that I wasn’t ready to let go of whatever this feeling was.
I chopped out of anger, out of frustration, out of this new drive from the beast in me. My mind wandered far from here while I fell into a hypnotic daze where the dreams I once had of Nate and I being married and raising a family were gone—shredded. Everything was fucking shredded.
The aspirations I had that he would be the man I fell in love with, along with every “I love you,” were torn into pieces.
Pieces I chopped away at in my mad craze.
Each piece of wood was like a memory I was killing—each piece reminding me that I was just as guilty because I stayed. I should have left when I caught him with her. I should have left the first time he got too physical with me. I should have stopped telling myself that his last name behind my first name would have made things better.
The guilt was just as powerful as the anger. It wrecked me. It washed over me and had me hacking and hacking until I was just hacking at the stump in a whirlwind of tears.
Someone yanked me away then yanked the axe out of my hand. Levi was gone but Derek was holding me while I cried angry tears against his chest. My hands were shaking, itching to chop again, but I had chopped almost the whole pile. If I kept on going there would be nothing left before the sun even began to set. I guess it didn’t matter. It already felt like there was nothing left for me to tear apart anyway.
