My hand trembles as I walk into the cabin Lily and I spent so many nights in, my eyes stinging. My phone hasn’t stopped ringing once in the last twenty-four hours, but I know Zane can’t reach me here. This place was just ours, Lily’s and mine.
My conversation with her keeps running through my mind, and I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong. Should I have leaped at her and pulled her away from the ledge the moment I saw her sitting there? Something told me she would’ve simply jumped immediately had I tried, but I wish I’d done it anyway. The outcome couldn’t have been worse than it is now — with my best friend’s body somewhere at the bottom of the river, while dozens of divers try to find her.
Does Zane know? He must’ve been informed by now. Is he as heartbroken as I am? Did he ever love her the way she clearly loved him? My fingers trail over the wall filled with pictures of Lily and me, our life displayed in chronological order, each memory more painful than the last.
I tense when I notice an envelope on the table we sat at when we tried out a Ouija board and freaked ourselves out at age fourteen, only to drown our fears by taking our first ever shots. It’s where we shared meals and played games, where we studied together, and opened our college admission emails.
I pick up the letter with shaking hands, recognizing her beautiful handwriting. She always made the C in my name look so pretty, and I clutch it to my chest, unable to open it, unable to even see through my tears. I know what this letter is, and I can’t bear myself to face the truth. That she’s gone — that she knew she wouldn’t make it back from that bridge.
I sink to the floor, holding a small part of her to me as I silently beg for this all to be a bad dream, for them to find her alive and well, despite all the time that’s passed.
My entire body shakes from the force of my sobs as I open the envelope, the paper nearly slipping out of my hands twice as I unfold it.
Dear Celeste,
If you’re reading this, I succumbed to my shame and left you here all alone — in this place where we created some of my most precious memories.
You’re probably crying, aren’t you? Please don’t — I promise I’m not worth your tears. No one is, Celeste. There isn’t a person in this world that deserves you, and I know I certainly never did.
You saved me, and instead of repaying you, I betrayed you. Is it selfish that I’m glad I won’t have to see the betrayal in your eyes?
Yeah, it definitely is, isn’t it?
I am sorry, Celeste. More than you’ll ever know. If I could turn back time and undo what I’ve done, I would. I wish I hadn’t been so foolish, so tempted by the illusion of happiness. I never meant to hurt you, never meant to deceive both myself and you.
If I could make one last wish, it’d be to earn your forgiveness while taking Zane Windsor to hell with me. I hope one day, he’ll understand what it’s like to lose everything you hold dear in life, to look around and find the broken pieces of your heart in each place that had become meaningful simply because of the memories you made there.
You’ll never know how sorry I am, Celeste. I know I couldn’t have atoned in this lifetime, no matter what I did, but I hope you rest easy knowing I’ll be punished for my sins where I am now. I know what you’re like, and I know you’ll wonder if there’s anything you could’ve done, if any part of you is to blame. I need you to know that this was all me — you were not at fault, not in any way.
There is nothing you could’ve done to stop this, to save me. I was beyond saving long before I wrote this letter, and part of me knew it — it’s why I began to avoid you and came up with excuses each time you wanted to see me. I’m a coward, Celeste. Right till the end. I couldn’t face you, you know? I couldn’t look into the eyes of the woman I loved more than any other and pretend I wasn’t praying for your heart to break.
I hope you find the happiness you deserve and the kind of love people write books about. You deserve no less than an epic kind of love — one that’s untainted by the painful history you shared with Zane, one I’ve undoubtedly added to.
You are magic, Celeste. Don’t you ever forget it.
I love you
– Lily
My tears fall onto the paper, causing the ink to blotch in a few places, and that only makes me cry harder. I press Lily’s letter to my chest, grief swallowing me whole. My mind is reeling to a point where I haven’t even been able to think about Zane yet, and everything I’ve learned about him, about us.
“Oh god, Lil,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “Please.” I desperately beg every god in existence to bring her back to me, knowing deep down that it’s futile. I’m shaking so hard I barely manage to pull myself back onto my feet, needing another piece of her, something that’ll keep me close to her.
My eyes settle on her journal, and I reach for it with trembling hands. I know I shouldn’t read it, but I can’t stop myself. Perhaps it’s because part of me is in disbelief. Despite everything, I’m hoping that it’s all one big misunderstanding, that Zane never cheated on me, and that I didn’t lose my best friend in the process, that the future I thought lay ahead of me isn’t built on lies.
I open it on a random page toward the end and nearly close it straight away, my lungs burning and my vision blurry. Dear Mom, it reads. I’d forgotten — Lily always addressed everything in her diary to her mother. Reading this feels like the worst violation of her privacy, yet I can’t help myself. I need to know, I need to see what transpired between her and Zane, and I need to hear it from Lily. I flick through the pages until I find the start of the end.
Dear Mom,
I didn’t think I’d get the job after getting so many rejections, but I did. Can you believe it? I got a job offer from Windsor Hotels. You’d be so proud of me if you were here — I just know it! I wouldn’t admit this to anyone but you, but they’re the biggest and best company around. I’m nervous about telling Celeste.
Do you remember Zane Windsor from high school? Well, he’s the one who owns the company. The hatred between Zane and Celeste is unfathomable, and it feels like I’m betraying her if I accept, even though she was the one who told me to apply. I think she was just as hurt as I was when I received a rejection from Harrison Developments, you know? She looked devastated, and I just didn’t know what to do, couldn’t make it better. I’m worried she only told me to apply at WH because she felt guilty and knew it was my last option, but she doesn’t actually want me working there.
How could she, Mom? Zane bullied her for years — really bullied her. I told you about it, didn’t I? It wasn’t mere teasing, he was relentless. Everything she did, he criticized, right down to her looks, like she could even help having braces. I hated him as much as she did, and part of me still does.
If you’d been there, you’d have wanted to hug Celeste tightly, like I did. I can’t count the number of times I had to dry the tears he caused. So many times, I’ve come close to just slapping that smug smile off his face. How am I supposed to work for him now? I don’t know what to do, Mom. I wish you were here to advise me.
My stomach knots, my discomfort caused by how eerily similar her feelings were to mine. I flick through, needing to know when that hatred turned into more. What did I miss? How did I fail to notice my best friend falling for my boyfriend?
Dear Mom,
I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in a while. The truth is I was ashamed to update you on my life, because I’m not sure how you’d feel about my actions lately. I’m not even sure how I feel about it myself.
Remember when I told you that Zane has been incredibly friendly and attentive at work? In that regard, nothing has changed. He still has me working on every project that he’s personally on and he still mentors me himself, but… well, I don’t know how to put this, to be honest, because it’s something I find hard to believe myself.
Zane Windsor has been flirting with me ever since we started working on the Bellevue project together. It was gradual, and I can’t exactly pinpoint when his behavior went from friendly to flirtatious. For a couple of weeks at the start of the project, he seemed oddly upset, angry even. I did my best to cheer him up, making the silliest jokes — just the way I would with Celeste. We quickly became friends, and it wasn’t meant to turn into more. But then one night, he seemed so incredibly sad that I offered to have dinner with him as a way to break up the endless work still ahead of us that evening. Perhaps it was then that everything changed.
I made him laugh, made him forget about whatever had upset him so much, and the way he looked at me changed. Now, when he says my name, there’s a softness to it that’s hard to ignore.
How could I go there, when this is the man that brought Celeste such torment, right? But he’s changed, Mom. The man he is today? That man is irresistible. I think you’d like him if you met him today — it’s like he’s an entirely different person. He’s so kind and thoughtful. Yesterday, he brought me flowers from his mother’s observatory and asked me out on a lunch date. I said yes. I haven’t told Celeste, though. I don’t think I should. It would upset her, and I don’t know… part of me wants to keep this version of him to myself. She wouldn’t understand, and I don’t want to have to defend myself. Is that wrong? If you were here, would you tell me off? I promise you’d understand if you spoke to him, Mom.
I check the date, my stomach twisting violently. This was when we weren’t speaking, after the blind date Mom arranged for me. In the time it took me to tell Lily about our kiss, he took her out on a date.
Dear Mom,
Today, Zane and I were both working late. He kept glancing over, making sure I was okay, and it was just adorable. He’s so thoughtful. It’s in the little things with him, like bringing me coffee when I have a lot of work to do and remembering how I take it. Staying late with me, even though he could easily work from home. We have lunch together almost every day now, and I really like him. I don’t know what to do. Would it be okay to give in? I’ve never felt this way before. I think… I think this is happiness. This type of joy? It isn’t something I’ve felt since you were taken from me, Mom. I’m so desperate for more of the way he makes me feel. If you were here, would you tell me to go for it? To chase after my own happiness for once?
A new kind of grief racks my body, sending a fresh wave of tears flowing from my eyes. This was when she started to tell me work kept her busy. It was just a few weeks before I bought my house, and I’d started to feel like we were growing apart. While I was falling for Zane, she was too.
Dear Mom,
I’m blushing just writing this, and I’m not sure if this is too much information to share with you, but I’d like to imagine that we’d have had more of a sisterly bond if you were still here with me. We would, wouldn’t we?
You’re the only one I can tell. Celeste would hate me if I admitted to this, but after today’s meeting, Zane and I were the only ones left. He lingered, the most patient and kind smile on his face as I gathered all the meeting materials. Just before I could walk out, though, he grabbed my hand and pulled me against him.
Mom, the way he kissed me… I’ve never felt anything like it. My body just melted, and his touch was so all-encompassing. Is that even a word? I think it is. I’m falling in love, aren’t I? I’m falling for my best friend’s enemy, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I can stop.
I begin to feel sick. They kissed in the time Zane and I weren’t speaking? I spent all my time thinking about him, unsure whether to reach out, when he… I try my hardest to draw a full breath and fail, succumbing to the endless sobs that seem to rise from my broken heart. I almost want to stop reading, but I can’t.
Dear Mom,
Celeste told me she kissed Zane. I was so stunned that I couldn’t do anything but stare at her. At first, I thought she was joking, you know? The Zane I know never would’ve done that — we’ve been seeing each other for weeks.
I asked Celeste some more questions, and it sounded like that kiss happened quite some time ago. Before us. She seemed upset because they’d argued again afterward, and I told her to just talk it out with him.
I figured that he’d tell her what I can’t — that it was a momentary lapse in judgment, an aftereffect of their rivalry. I hope she gets over it once she speaks to him. That look in her eyes when she spoke of him? It’s what I see in the mirror every day.
Mom, I’m scared he was just using me to get over her. I think she was the reason he was so upset, the reason he sought me out at all. I was probably the closest thing to her he could get.
I bite down on my lip until I draw blood, my heart pounding wildly. I called him because she’d told me to, and when he came over, I… it was me who pulled him close. He told me he wanted to be mine, but he’d already been taken. Back then, I’d wondered if it was all a scheme. Was it?
Dear Mom,
I’ve picked up my pen to write this letter to you so many times, but each time, my words fail me. I came straight here from Celeste’s house, and I’m honestly still processing what she told me.
Mom, she said she’s dating Zane. How could that be possible?
I’m scared, because despite it all, I don’t want to confront Zane. I don’t want what we have to end, and if I say anything at all, it will. If given a choice between Celeste and me, any man would choose her. She’s beautiful, smart, and so sweet. Mom, is it possible to love someone with all your heart but hate them too? I tried to warn her away, reminded her of their past, but I’m worried it didn’t help. I actually begged her not to fall for him, and I’ve never felt more pathetic.
I just don’t understand. Zane stopped working overtime with me, probably because he’s spending his evenings with Celeste now, but he still treats me with that kind of intimacy that makes me feel so special. We went on several work trips in recent weeks when he was supposedly already dating her, and the dates we’ve been on during those trips are endless — so many walks on the beach and romantic dinners, and then there’s the way he’d call me into his room late at night…
Am I crazy for wanting to hold on to this happiness despite everything? Even if it’s true, Celeste and Zane couldn’t possibly last. Their families won’t allow it. Perhaps this is just something she needs to get out of her system, and once she does, everything can go back to normal.
I hope it does.
I can’t lose him, Mom, but I can’t lose her either.
The page is marred by her tear stains, and they mingle with my own. I trace over Lily’s words with my fingers, thinking back to that night. We’d been on the sofa, not having seen each other for several weeks. I told her everything, and she did beg me not to fall for him. She reminded me of every single reason it could never work, and I thought she’d merely been worried about me. I failed to see the signs. If I had, would she still be here with me today? Would I have walked away from Zane? Or would I have done what she did, and turned a blind eye?
I draw a shaky breath as I think back to the way Zane told me he hadn’t slept with anyone but me. Just how many lies did he tell me? How far did his deception go?
Each of her letters is the same — Lily detailing her week and telling her mom how worried she is about Zane and me growing closer, how she can’t bring herself to face me or ask about our relationship, because she doesn’t want to know. All the while, nothing changed between Zane and her. Each time she writes about the flowers he gives her, it kills a little part of me. I always thought the flowers were just mine, something he never shared with anyone but me. It’s odd how that stands out amongst everything.
Dear Mom,
Zane is increasingly growing more distant, and I know it’s because of Celeste. I suspect he’s trying to just let this thing between us fizzle out naturally, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t want to go back to being just friends with him, or even less than that. If he keeps this up, it’ll be like nothing ever happened between us, which is probably what he wants — to forget what he did with his girlfriend’s best friend for months.
I feel awful for wishing they’d end things soon. I need things to go back to the way it’s supposed to be. He can’t be happy with her, not truly, and he can’t make Celeste as happy as she deserves to be.
Even if I wasn’t in love with him, I wouldn’t want her to be ridiculed by Zane’s grandmother. I don’t want her to feel the pain of not fitting in, not being accepted. I’m tempted to tell her everything, but she’d never forgive me. Eventually, reality will catch up on Celeste, and she’ll realize that being with Zane means having to give up her company. Her grandfather would disown her if he found out.
They can’t last, and the quicker they end things, the quicker she can move on and find her own person instead of hanging on to mine.
Is this my selfishness speaking? I can’t tell anymore. I’m scared I’m losing him, and I’m getting tired of waiting. What do I do, Mom? I can’t give up on him, but I can’t bear the pain much longer.
It hurts to read about her torment, how despite her love for Zane, she didn’t want to hurt me, didn’t want to lose me. Would I have felt the same, had I known?
Mom,
It’s over. I knew it the moment I walked into Celeste’s parents’ kitchen and found Zane standing there. I didn’t think it’d ever happen, but her parents seem to have accepted their relationship. She looked so insanely happy, and it killed me to see it. I want that for her — I just wish it wasn’t with the man I love more than life itself.
Zane didn’t have to say anything for me to know we’re done. He chose her, and he didn’t even have the guts to tell me to my face. I don’t think I can survive this, Mom. I wish you were here. More than anything, I just need a hug.
You know what hurts the most? Normally, I’d have gone to Celeste, and she’d have consoled me until the pain dulled. Now she’s the only person in the world that can never find out about what I’ve done.
I begin to sob all over again, for everything I’ve lost, everything I unknowingly put Lily through. I wasn’t there when she needed me, and if I had been, she might never have gone to that bridge at all. I let my eyes fall closed, nausea hitting me hard as every memory with Zane flashes through my mind, merging with everything I’ve just read. Each work trip he went on, each time he worked late, each mention of Lily. I never saw this coming — he strung us both along, and I can’t understand why. Was he messing with me when we first started dating, his attempts of seduction a smokescreen for his attempts to ruin Harrison Developments? Perhaps he never intended to fall for me, never meant to let things get this far.
Dear Mom,
I’ll get to meet you soon — or so I hope, anyway. I’ve never really thought about heaven and hell. I always liked to imagine that you were still here with me, just in a different form. But you would’ve gone to heaven, wouldn’t you? I don’t think that’s where I’m going, Mom.
I can’t stay here any longer, can’t be around Celeste. Every time I speak to her, she talks about Zane, and how they’re working on getting their relationship accepted by their grandparents so they can get married.
Married.
She’d ask me to be her maid of honor, of course, and it’d destroy me. I can’t watch him be happy with her, and it’s making me crazy. It gives me thoughts I don’t want to have, makes me wonder what I could do to make him see me again, and only me.
I can’t be that person, can’t be the one that steals away Celeste’s happiness. I still love her so much, despite everything. I’ve never felt this much guilt and shame. Not even after what happened to you, Mom. That makes me a horrible person, doesn’t it?
I know she’ll never forgive me, but I have to tell her the truth before I come see you. If she marries Zane, she should do it knowing what kind of person he truly is. What if I wasn’t the only one? What if there’s someone else after me? I need her to know, but I won’t be able to handle the fallout, the loss of our friendship. It’s selfish, choosing to leave her and this world right after telling her everything, but I know I won’t be able to handle her heartache, that look of betrayal.
I just hope that one day, Zane will know what it’s like to be so blinded by love that you betray the ones closest to you for a mere glimpse of happiness, only to lose your soul in the process.
I hope Zane ends up paying for his sins, like I will.
That is my last wish.
If there’s a God in this universe of ours, he’ll grant that wish, won’t he?
