My mood is somber as I trudge through the woods that divide Lily’s father’s property and ours, until I reach the small cabin that sits right at the border. I’m not at all surprised to find the light on inside. I knew I’d find her here today, on the anniversary of her mother’s death.
“Lily?”
She looks up from the small table in the corner and closes her diary when I walk in, her eyes filled with tears. She swipes at them, but the redness in her eyes would’ve given her away regardless. “Celeste,” she cries.
I hold my arms open for her, and she walks into them, fresh sobs racking her body. I hold her tightly as I lead her to our little sofa, unsure what to do or say. Her father built this cabin for her years ago, and ever since, it’s been our secret base. It’s where we go when we need a break from the world, and it’s where I’ve found her on this day every single year. She never asks me for the support she needs — always choosing to suffer in silence instead, and I wish she wouldn’t. Despite our longstanding friendship, she’s always convinced she’s a burden to me, and today, more so than any other day, I wish she’d rely on me the way I rely on her.
“I d-didn’t tell you this,” she stammers. “But he died in prison. John.”
My grip on her tightens as I process the news, a deep sense of injustice lodging in my throat, my own grief rapidly bringing tears to my eyes.
“He d-didn’t even serve his f-full sentence. He didn’t deserve to die so soon. N-not yet. I just… I… I never should have told him. I saw him in my dreams last night, remembered how he’d thanked me when I told him our new address.”
I bite my lip as I think back to the first time she told me about her mother, and how she was brutally murdered by her boyfriend because she’d tried to leave him to give her marriage another chance.
I still remember Lily’s torment when she told me she was the one who found her mom. She was only eleven and had just come home from school, annoyed her mother hadn’t met her at the bus stop, like she usually would.
“You didn’t know,” I remind her. “You didn’t know they’d broken up, and your mom never told you to keep it a secret from him. Even if she did, it still wouldn’t be your fault, Lily. You were just a child, and he was someone you knew and trusted.”
She buries her face in my neck, her grip tight, like she’s scared she’ll fall apart if she doesn’t hold on to me. I hug her as hard as I can, praying my words are getting through to her.
When she first moved here shortly after losing her mom, she had terrible nightmares and struggled to make friends. If we didn’t live right next to each other, she might never have warmed to me either. Lily still keeps to herself most of the time, and I wonder if it’s because she’s scared to be betrayed by someone so close to her, like her mother was. Or perhaps she’s scared to lose another person she loves. It didn’t help that her father ended up remarrying. It just made her feel more alone, and this cabin ended up becoming the place where she kept her mother’s memories.
She’s doing much better now, but around the time of her mother’s death anniversary, her nightmares return, and guilt threatens to consume her. I don’t know how to take away her pain, but I’d do anything to lessen its hold on her. She’s so often been there for me, and I can’t help but feel like I’m failing her in return.
“I just wish she was still here,” she tells me, and my heart shatters.
“Me too,” I whisper. “She’d be so proud of you, Lily. You’re the smartest and kindest person I know, and you inherited her beauty, you know? I have no doubt that you’re everything she’d hoped you’d be, and more.”
Lily tries to draw a shaky breath, only to choke on her sobs. “I c-can’t even f-find a job, Celeste. She’d be s-so embarrassed of me. I just feel so lost, and I hate feeling this way.”
I pull away to look at her and shake my head. “You’ll find something, Lil,” I tell her, my mind drifting to Zane. He’s hurt me and let me down so many times throughout the years, but if he grants me this one favor, I’ll forgive him for all of it.
My stomach turns as I silently plead with him, with the universe. I just want Lily to be granted the reprieve she deserves, and it kills me that I can’t be the one to offer it. “Give it a bit more time, and the right role will be yours, I’m sure of it. You’re brilliant, and you’re the hardest worker I know. Any company would be lucky to have you.”
It’s been two weeks since I asked Zane to hire her, and with each day that passes, I’m more convinced that I should beg him the way he probably wants me to. Would it make a difference? I can no longer read him the way I used to, but when I stood in front of my car with him, I’d been convinced that he wasn’t the same boy I grew up with. I can only hope I was right.
Lily looks into my eyes as though she’s searching for a spark of hope. “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she whispers. “You have no idea how grateful I am to have you in my life, Celeste. You saved me, and you don’t even know it.”
I smile at her, glad to see her grief lifted a little. “You saved me too, Lily. That’s what we do for each other, isn’t it? We’re each other’s lifeline.”
I can’t count the number of times she consoled me because something Zane did had wounded me deeply. She was there when my brother left home, when our house turned into a battlefield because of my grandfather’s decision to disown him. Nothing I’ve experienced could compare to what she’s been through, yet she never once made me feel like my pain wasn’t real, wasn’t worth worrying about.
Lily nods and sniffs, her breathing steadying. “My mom would’ve loved you. Probably just as much as your mom loves me.”
Normally I’d argue with her about who my mom loves more — often, it seems like it’s Lily, but tonight, I let her win this one. “I think I’d have loved her, too. I’ve loved every story I’ve heard about her.”
She pulls away and walks back to the table to grab the photo of her mother that she keeps in her diary. “I’m trying so hard to focus on the good memories, but when I close my eyes at night, I can see her on that bed, the way I found her. God, Celeste. Do you think she blames me?”
“No. She loved you more than anything, and if he hadn’t found her then, he’d have found her another way. You were only eleven, Lily. You were just a child.”
She looks at me like she wants to believe my words but can’t. I take her hand. “Tell me that story about her trying to make homemade ice cream and it ending in firemen rushing into your house.” It’s a story she told me once when we were thirteen, and it’s one of the few times she laughed while mentioning her mother.
Her expression lightens. “I’d nearly forgotten about that. Mom really couldn’t cook, it was crazy. She had a heart of gold and the very best intentions, but somehow, everything she touched instantly became completely inedible. She couldn’t even make toast, you know? Did I tell you about the time she wanted to make me bear-shaped waffles, and it turned into something out of my worst nightmares? It was truly horrifying, but she was so proud of her creation that I just tried my best to swallow whatever concoction she’d created.”
I smirk and lean back as she tells me the very best stories of her childhood, the good drowning out the bad. She always does this for me — gently leads me back in the right direction when my thoughts go awry. I’m glad I’m able to do the same for her for once.
