I stare at the engraving on Lily’s marble headstone, my vision blurry. My lungs seize as I try to suck in a breath, and I end up choking on a sob, helplessness and grief suffocating me. I haven’t been able to come here in years, not since her funeral, but time hasn’t done anything to dull the pain. It still hurts as much as the day I was told they’d found her body.
In the days following Lily’s death, I’d hidden away, reading her diary over and over again as divers tried their best to find her. I hadn’t wanted to come out of her cabin, hadn’t wanted to face reality. I knew that the moment I stepped out, I’d be stepping into a world that would be forever changed — a world without Lily in it, one where the man I loved more than anything wasn’t who I thought he was.
My hands tremble as I kneel in front of Lily’s grave and place the beautiful stargazer lilies I bought her on top, my eyes rapidly filling with tears. “I miss you,” I whisper into the wind, my voice breaking. “God, I miss you so much. Not a single day has gone by without me thinking of you, Lily.”
Most nights, I see her in my nightmares. I’ll find myself standing on that bridge with her, and no matter what I do or say, I can’t save her. The look on her face right before she spoke her final words haunts me, stealing away our best memories and replacing them with fragments of recurring dreams.
My fingers trace over her name, the cold marble bringing fresh tears to my eyes. “You were supposed to come work with me by now, and we’d rise to the top together. Instead, I lost you, and I’m barely surviving myself. This isn’t how our story was supposed to go.”
I pull my hand back and stare at the golden flakes on my nails, my engagement ring glittering in the sun. For years I’d dreamed of having a diamond ring on my finger, but now the sight of it just torments me. “I saw him,” I whisper, scared to even admit it. “Zane.”
The wind picks up, sending a chill down my spine. I wrap my arms around myself and draw a shaky breath, willing myself to stop crying. “I thought I’d feel nothing but the same blinding grief and hatred I felt five years ago, but seeing him again… it was nothing like that.”
Would it make Lily happy to know that he looked good? That power and intensity still drip off him the way it used to? Or would she despise him for not seeming tormented in the slightest? When he looked at me, there was no remorse in his eyes. All I saw was the same white-hot hatred that fuels me too.
I pause, feeling just as conflicted as I did five years ago. “Did you know, Lil? The first flowers Zane ever gave me were lilies. Ironic, isn’t it? Maybe it was a subconscious sign that I just missed, a way of telling me you were on his mind, even then.” The mere thought of it breaks my heart, and I let my eyes fall closed for a moment, feeling just as foolish as I did years ago.
“He’s still the same heartless jerk he’s always been,” I murmur, the words feeling strange on my lips, like they don’t ring true. “He threatened me. Zane doesn’t realize Archer is powerful enough to protect himself and our parents now. It took five years, but I’m finally in a position to undo the damage he did and inflict it on him in return. I won’t… I won’t leave your last wish unfulfilled, Lily.”
I never understood why she wrote letters to her mom, but I get it now. There’s so much I want to say to her, but I just don’t know how. “I wish you were here to tell me if I’m making the right choices,” I whisper. “Sometimes I wonder if you were able to find peace, and I’m terrified, you know? The thought of you leaving things unresolved and being unable to move on… it kills me, Lily. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it right, but I’m trying.”
What would she say if she saw me now? In the process of seeking justice for her, I seem to have lost my soul. Numbness has become a normal emotional response for me these days — I can’t feel a thing for anyone but Zane. There’s no excitement or joy in my life, and every fraction of happiness I feel is swiftly followed by guilt. Each time something happens that I would’ve wanted to share with her, my heart shatters all over again.
I bury a hand in my hair, only to be reminded of the way Zane pulled on it at the benefit dinner last month, his gaze sparkling with hatred. I’ve never seen him look at me that way, and it hurt more than I thought was possible.
My eyes fall closed as the memory replays in my mind, fresh waves of agony cascading over me. Being able to feel something again was thrilling, and for a few moments, I let myself get caught up in it.
It’s odd how it’s the little things that hit the hardest. It’s the familiar scent of his custom blended cologne, and the way he still loves that same old peppermint candy. Being so close to him made my heart race the way it used to, made me want to drink him in even as every broken part of me longed to hurt him the way he’s hurt me.
I raise my fingers to my lips, remembering the way he kissed me, every touch filled with unwanted yet uncontrollable desire. It felt inevitable, and it was far better than it was in my memories.
“Forgive me,” I whisper, my stomach turning. I shouldn’t have wanted him the way I did, shouldn’t have given in to desire I shouldn’t feel anymore. The mere taste of menthol brought every buried feeling to the surface, leaving me desperate for him. I hate myself for it — more than he’ll ever know.
