Zane and I are both quiet as we enter Grandma Anne’s house for dinner, and for the first time in years, the silence isn’t the comfortable kind. The last couple of days have been tough, and I’m unsure what to do. It’d be so much easier if Zane was angry, because that’s something I know how to deal with. I’m not even sure how I’d describe his recent mood — it’s a combination of hurt, disappointed, and melancholic. When he looks at me, it’s like he just sees what we could’ve been, and no matter what I do, I’ll never earn his forgiveness. He makes me feel like he’ll never want the woman I am today, because I could never live up to the woman he used to love.
Zane places his hand on my lower back as he guides me through his grandmother’s house, and I lean into him a little, savoring his touch. The only time I ever feel close to him anymore is when he comes to bed and I wrap my arms around his waist, pressing my face to his back. Every night, he turns around and takes me in his arms like he misses me too. Every kiss fuels my flickering flames of hope, and the way he takes me slowly, deeply, makes me hold on despite everything.
Zane’s siblings look up when we enter the dining room, and I force a smile, like I do every week. Much to my surprise, Sierra and Raven both smile back at me, their gazes soft and far more welcoming than usual. The rest of the family looks equally normal. For once, there’s no trepidation in their gazes, no hostility.
Maybe they’ve gotten used to my presence, or perhaps Faye’s continuous attempts to include me during dinner have worn them down over the last couple of weeks. She’s a gem, and arguably the sweetest in the family. No one can tell her no or deny her anything, and I’ve fallen victim to her charms too. “Hi Celeste,” she says, smiling up at me, her blue eyes sparkling with delight. “Please tell me you’ve finished reading the book I lent you. I need someone to talk to about it, and Raven and Sierra are being so slow. Don’t even get me started on Val. She refuses to even start it until the audiobook comes out!”
I try my hardest to smile for her, but I don’t have it in me. I’ve never felt more heartbroken or more lonely. Sitting in a room full of people I love but who don’t want me here is tearing at my tattered soul. “I haven’t had a chance to start it yet,” I tell her, my voice soft, defeated. “I’ll read it soon, Faye. I’m sorry.”
Her gaze roams over my face, and I glance down at my plate, my chest aching. “That’s okay! How has work been, anyway? You’ve been so busy lately.”
My hand trembles as I reach for my wine glass, my breathing shallow. For no discernible reason whatsoever, I’m on the verge of tears. I’m not sure what it is about tonight that makes everything just hit so much harder. It’s a regular family dinner, just like any other, but the loss feels overwhelming tonight. “It’s fine,” I tell her, my voice barely above a whisper. “I heard your last piano concert was magnificent. I’m so proud of you, you know? I’ll try my best to come to the next one. The tickets just sell out so insanely quickly.”
Faye nods and begins to tell me I don’t need a ticket, and that I should just let the Windsor concierge team know I want to go, clearly unaware that it isn’t something Zane ever gave me access to. I’ve seen the black Windsor Bank cards all the other girls have, along with drivers assigned to them and their own security teams. Those aren’t things I need at all, but it hurts to know Zane is doing all he can to prevent me from becoming too integrated into his life. There are things he’s keeping from me, and we both know why — some things aren’t meant for me, and he’s reserving them for whoever comes after me.
I knock back my wine and place my glass down, my gaze settling on my plain wedding ring. I have no doubt this isn’t the kind of ring Zane will give to the woman he actually wants as his wife — he’d want a meaningful design, something unique that only his wife would understand, a hidden message. It’s an odd thought, but one I can’t drive away. More and more, I’m starting to see why he asked for a clean break once our contractual term is up. There’s so much history, so many open wounds, and no matter how hard we try, that’ll never change. Just like she probably wanted, Lily will always stand between us.
“We’ll come too,” Sierra says, exchanging a look with Raven and Val. “Why don’t we go together, Celeste?”
My gaze snaps up, and I stare at Sierra for a moment, not quite sure I heard her right. “That… that would be nice,” I murmur, my heart wrenching. I miss her so much, but I just know things will never be the same between us. I’m starting to learn that some things can’t be fixed, and slowly but surely, I’m starting to accept it too.
“Let’s go next month,” Sierra says, her voice soft and a little hesitant. Zane tenses, and I nod slowly, unsure what to make of Sierra’s invitation or my husband’s reaction. The warning he once gave me rings through my mind, and I lower my eyes as I draw a shaky breath.
I don’t want them to see you as my wife, as one of us. That place… someday, it’ll belong to someone else, and when I eventually find someone I want to spend my life with, I don’t want her to have to step into your shoes.
The words hurt even more now than they did then. I’m trying my hardest to hold on, but it’s becoming clear that one day, I’ll be a distant memory to Zane. This marriage is closure to him, and day by day, his wounds are healing, until eventually, he’ll be able to let go and move on. I see it in the way his anger faded, leaving only pain and disappointment. That too will fade, until one day, he’ll look at me without feeling a thing.
The girls discuss board games they want to play after dinner, and normally I’d have wanted to join them. I’d have inserted myself into their conversation and invited myself to join their games despite Sierra and Raven’s obvious displeasure, but tonight, there’s no fight left in me.
I quietly slip away as they all begin to chat amongst themselves once dinner wraps up, the sounds of their laughter and joy fading as I walk out onto the veranda adjacent to the dining room. A soft, warm breeze greets me, and my eyes fall closed as I tip my face up to the sky, letting the moonlight shine down on me.
“Why are you out here, Celeste?” I turn around, my hand rising to my chest when I find Lexington standing behind me, his expression conflicted. “What is going on with you and Zane? You seemed so happy at my launch party, so what the fuck is going on?”
I wrap my arms around myself and look away. “Nothing is going on,” I tell him, my voice breaking. “It’s just… you were right, Lex.”
“About what?”
I try my hardest to smile for him, to remain brave, but it feels too difficult tonight. “I don’t deserve Zane, and it hurts to admit it, but he’s better off without me. I know that you already knew that, but I guess I’m just finally starting to accept it too.”
He crosses his arms and stares at me for a moment, his gaze contemplative. “Celeste.” The tone he’s taking with me now is the one he reserves for Sierra and his other sisters-in-law, and it makes me lift my head in surprise. It’s been so long since he’s addressed me so kindly. “Did you know Zane got down on his knees to beg our grandmother for your hand in marriage years ago?”
My eyes widen in shock, and he smiles ruefully. “He said something then that stuck with me. Zane told her that there’s no him without you, and it’s true. I watched him waste away for years until you walked back into his life. It’s obvious that things aren’t easy, but real love never is, is it? It’s messy, and it’s ugly at times, but it’s always worth it. I wasn’t sure about you at the start, but I’m beginning to change my mind, and I think Zane is too.”
Lex throws me a hesitant smile and steps back, glancing over his shoulder once before walking away and leaving me alone with my thoughts.
