I lay in bed for a moment, trying to get my bearings. Last night, I managed to successfully avoid questions from my aunt and uncle and get through dinner without being interrogated about my whereabouts.
Hopefully I can figure out what to do at some point. I breathe in and out slowly but the scent of the musty air seems to trigger something in me because I’m suddenly feeling nauseated.
Ugh! I try breathing through my mouth instead. Sometimes the dust in the air around here can kick up colds or other minor illnesses. I just need to power through the morning so I can get to work.
When I stand up though, my nausea gets worse, immediately. I rush out of my room and down the hall to the bathroom, bending over the toilet and releasing everything from my stomach into the basin.
I sit up, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and feel slightly better, but not great. The commotion must have roused my aunt because she knocks on the door and calls in, asking if I’m alright.
“Hurry up in there little bunny, we’re going to be late if you don’t get a move on!” Uncle Jethro adds.
“I’m fine!” I yell through the door. “Just the dust getting to me this morning. Go on ahead without me. I’ll catch up!”
I hear Uncle Jethro shuffling around outside the door and I imagine he’s looking at Aunt Leandra and shrugging. “You heard her,” he mutters. “Let’s go.”
“Oh hush, Jethro,” Leandra replies. “Go on then, you leave. I’m just going to check on her.”
There’s more shuffling noises and the door opens, Aunt Leandra coming inside, followed by Amara. I groan internally. Of course Amara is sticking her nose in my business without reason. I’mfine.
Everyone is just making an unnecessary fuss. My aunt comes and puts a hand to my forehead, checking me for fever.
“You don’t feel warm,” she says, touching the back of my neck for good measure. “I wonder if you picked up a stomach bug. Sometimes the water in the water barrel can make me queasy if they haven’t cleaned it properly the day before,” she says, continuing to fuss.
Amara shoots me a look, narrowing her eyes. I know what she’s thinking. I knew I didn’t entirely convince her I wasn’t sneaking around with a boy, but I had hoped I had at least thrown her off the scent.
But it’s not possible. There’s nothing wrong with me but the nausea. I’m just bothered by the dust in the air. That’s all.
When she doesn’t find anything immediately wrong with me, Aunt Leandra waves Amara off and tells her that they need to go to work.
“I’m going to send a healer to the house to check on you,” my aunt says. “You’re in no shape to go to work today. I’ll get Amara to cover for you,” she adds.
Amara gives me a pointed look as she grabs her cloak. “I’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble,” she says. “But I hope you feel better soon.”
I ignore the look and say goodbye to them, trying to wait for my stomach to settle. Once it does, I rise and head back to my bedroom to lie down, feeling inexplicably tired.
The nausea is gone and I’m half convinced it was all in my head but all that side-eyeing Amara gave me earlier is making me nervous.
I couldn’t be pregnant. Could I? What if I am? What will I do? Am I going to tell Kerym?
Before I can start panicking, the healer knocks on the front door.
Nicola is only a few years older than me and she got an apprenticeship with our retired healer. She lives a much easier life than most of us.
Being a healer wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t surrounded by sick people. At least it wouldn’t be as hard work as mining.
“Hello Layla!” she calls, entering the house. She heads straight for my room, knocking as she pushes the door open.
“Hey,” I sit up, the room spinning for a moment. “Sorry about this. I’m fine. I think it’s just the dust.”
“No worries,” Nicola smiles. “You relax. I’m just going to check you over a bit.” She starts by checking my forehead and shakes her head. “No fever,” she says. “Have you had any other symptoms?”
“Just the nausea. And I’m a bit tired.”
“Okay,” she says. She’s so soft-spoken and kind. “Let’s just sit up for me, can you let me listen to your heart beating?” she asks. She produces a strange contraption that looks like a fluted instrument with a large end. Putting the large end at my chest, she listens from the smaller one.
“Sounds good. Nice and strong.” Nicola says after a few seconds. “So, I don’t think you’re sick,” she says carefully. “But tell me, have you had your monthly visitor recently?”
I try to think back. “Maybe last month?” I say, not entirely certain.
“Right,” she stands back up and sits on the stool next to my bed. “I think that I know what’s going on now. You’re pregnant.”
My head starts spinning again. The room seems to fade from view. Pregnant?
“It’s quite early on I think. You couldn’t be more than a month or so gone into your first term. Can I ask…are you alright with this news? If this is news that you are upset by, I can help you.”
I stare at her, trying to understand. “Was the conception under less than comfortable circumstances?” she asks gently. “If it was something bad, I have herbs for that.”
“No,” I shake my head, finally understanding. “The father is…is someone I care for. I want the baby. But can you please keep this a secret for now?”
“Of course,” Nicola assures me. “I am very discreet. But you need to start thinking about what you want to do if you’re going to keep the baby. Are you planning on telling the father?”
I think about it for a moment, trying to decide what I’m going to do but the thought of trying to decide what’s right feels so overwhelming.
“I can’t even think about him right now,” I tell her.
“Okay,” Nicola nods. “I just want to know if it’s someone that you planned to mate with. If not, I want to discuss your options. I have to tell you that in my personal and professional opinion, the mines are no place for a baby, or for a new mom. I think you ought to consider your options now, before you get farther along.”
I stare at her. She’s right. I haven’t even thought about that. How will I have a baby here in the camps? I can’t raise a baby here! I don’t want my child to grow up in the same life as me, to be worked to death in the mines.
I want more for them. For us.
“What can I do?” I ask, drawing my knees up to wrap my arms around them. “Is there something I can do? Somewhere safer I can go?”
“Yes,” Nicola nods. “I can help you, if you want. There are places you can go that are less strenuous than here. Or you can become an apprentice to someone in a different path. It’s up to you. If you want to stay here, we can find a way to transfer you into working for a seamstress or for one of the village cooks. You could take on an apprenticeship with the apothecary. It’s a little late for you to take on a healer apprenticeship but it’s not impossible,” she adds.
There are so many options, so much I could do that isn’t in the mines. But at the end of the day, I’d still be stuck here, in the camp. I’d be forced to watch the elves bully my child for being mixed race.
I can’t do that to him or her. There’s too much prejudice here. I need to get far away, somewhere more accepting.
“I think I want to go elsewhere,” I say after thinking it over. “Can you help with that?”
“Yes,” she says. “I can find you another place to transfer to. Would you care if it was far from here?”
“No, I don’t care where it is,” I tell her after a moment.
“Then it’s done. I have just the place in mind.”
Nicola and I discuss a few more things about the pregnancy and she stays to encourage me to get something light to eat. She is doing such a good job at looking out for me that it almost feels like I’m simply sick with a cold.
It hits me again though, out of the blue, after my light meal of eggs and toast. I’m pregnant. With Kerym’s baby. Everything is going to be changing now.
I can’t even figure out what I’m going to tell him yet. Or if I am. I just need to focus on getting through this morning. Just take everything one step at a time, for now.
