This wasn’t meant to happen. None of it. Ever.
It was supposed to be nothing more than a poor lapse in judgment, a fog that faded before it got thicker.
But, against my will, it morphed into a form of release, a way to get rid of the pent-up tension between us. A one-time thing that wasn’t supposed to mean anything to either of us. To me.
Twelve years ago, I promised myself I wouldn’t lower my walls ever again.
Twelve years ago, when I was forced to rebuild myself from the ground up, I made a vow to never let anyone in until I was healed. And am I?
Love and relationships have never been in the forefront of my mind. My older brother and ex-girlfriend made sure it stayed that way.
For years, my parents tried to reason with me, probably because they wanted peace in our family. They pushed me toward therapy, and it helped for a while, but I was stubborn and thought I could do the rest of the healing on my own. I couldn’t.
Maybe I should consider growing up and booking a session now, because Maddie…
Shit, there it goes again.
I can’t stop thinking about her, even when I tell myself this will only end in heartbreak.
The worst part is, I don’t want to stop seeing her, kissing her, drawing pleasure out of her, or hearing that laugh that drives me out of my mind.
And every time I tell myself that this is it, that today is the day everything goes to hell, it never does.
I can’t tell if I’m relieved or disappointed.
To add to the shit show that is my life lately, Andrew texted me again last night, asking to see me. I haven’t responded.
My head is about to explode. I need to get away for a while, to leave the headache that is this city, even if only for a couple of days. But for some reason, a heavy weight settles in the pit of my stomach every time I think about not seeing her.
I promised Maddie I wouldn’t leave her, and even though a weekend-long trip to my cabin won’t mean I’m abandoning her, I really don’t want to go by myself. I don’t, and that’s a huge problem if I’ve ever had one. Because never, not once in my thirty-one years, have I felt the need to be with someone.
When you grow up with an older brother who couldn’t give two shits about you, you learn to be independent if you want to survive. Those habits carried into adulthood, which my mother always insisted was a good thing because that means I wouldn’t jump into toxic relationships or friendships. I’m enough, and I’m good and happy and complete on my own, and yet…
My thoughts are interrupted by a familiar brunette coming toward my car. She smiles, and the fog inside my brain dissipates just like that.
It should worry me that she holds this much power over me when I’ve been working to shield my heart for a decade.
“I’m guessing it went well with the girls today?” I ask, pulling out of the parking lot of Maddie’s new workplace. She still takes shifts at Monica’s Pub, but tonight I have her all to myself, and I plan to let her know just how much I’ve missed her.
“I didn’t think I would enjoy this job, but here we are,” she confesses, happiness shining in her face. “We’re already discussing doubling my hours after this month.”
Pride swells in my chest. “I knew you’d like it. How do you feel about going back to dancing again?”
I keep a hand on the wheel and splay my right one on her thigh, her fingers tangling with mine just a moment later.
“It’s strange. I thought it would feel bittersweet, but…” A shrug. “I’m optimistic. I think teaching will be good for me, even if it’s not what I envisioned myself doing right after ballet school.”
“Your ankle will make a full recovery.” I don’t overthink it as I bring her knuckles to my lips. “I’m sorry it’s taking longer than you wanted, but I’m proud of you for everything you’re accomplishing.”
Admiration blooms in my chest and clings to my heart every time I look at her. Never in my life have I ever admired anyone besides my parents and a couple of football players. And I have definitely never been in this much awe of someone so much younger.
The sweetest shade of red spreads on her cheeks. “You’re helping me a lot,” she says, almost shyly. “You gave me the courage and the push I needed.”
“It was all you, Maddie. You already had it in you.”
“Yes, but you helped me bring it out,” she insists, and I can’t lie—it fills me with an overwhelming boost of self-esteem.
After my injury, I dropped out of college and never thought I would go back. I didn’t see a meaning to my life, couldn’t find a purpose, and then my brother burned the remains. I spent months fucking around at my parents’ house, feeling sorry for myself and silencing my sorrows with booze, until my father finally snapped.
He gave me a week to get my shit together, or I would be sleeping on the streets.
And so I did. I got my shit together.
When we reach her apartment, I wait in the car as she gets ready, trying not to think too hard about everything going on in my life right now. I fail.
I know it’s insane the second I get the idea. She would never say yes, and it’s not like I should ask in the first place. I have no right to, not when we’re nothing more than two confused souls wandering hand in hand in the dark, ignoring where we’re going. Ignoring what we want, maybe, deep down.
“I’m back,” she says, smiling as always, so blinding and so fucking beautiful. I almost tell her. Almost.
But then she closes the distance between us and plants a loud kiss on my cheek. When I don’t respond, she pokes my arm and gives me those doe eyes I can’t resist, and before I know what I’m doing, I blurt it out.
“Do you want to come with me to my lake cabin this weekend?”
She blinks in surprise. That makes two of us.
“Wh-What?” she stammers, probably taken aback just as much as I am for having suggested it in the first place.
Still, I nod because I’m a masochist. “It’s only a couple of hours away,” I say, like that’s a good reason to even consider this.
Her piercing silence mocks me. The easy atmosphere in the car changes, and the weight of her unspoken words weighs down on my shoulders.
“James…” she starts, unsure.
I swallow past the lump in my throat, preparing to apologize for having crossed yet another line.
“I think… I think we should talk.”
Fuck me.
Despite the sudden ice-cold feeling all over my body, I find myself nodding along. “Okay.”
She shifts on the passenger seat so she’s facing me. “What are we doing, exactly?”
If that isn’t the question of the damn century.
“What do you want us to do?” I ask. I’m too much of a coward to give her an actual answer.
Maddie doesn’t answer right away, and when she does, she says the last thing I expected her to. “I want you to give me a warning before you leave.”
The air whooshes out of my lungs. “Why do you think I would ever leave?”
The pain flashing in her eyes would normally make me want to hurt the bastard who put it there—only that, this time, the bastard might be me.
She gives me a small shrug, like none of this is really a big deal. “Everyone does, eventually. Just… Just don’t do it in a cruel way. Please.”
My heart fucking shatters. My own buckle comes undone, and before I realize it, I’ve got her face cradled in my hands, eyes locked with mine. It doesn’t feel close enough.
“Listen to me. No matter what you want us to be, I would never, ever leave. We talked about this. I freaked out once, and it won’t happen again. I don’t want to hurt you. That’s the very last thing I’d ever do.”
She gulps. “You can’t promise that.”
I search her gaze, and what I find is a sweet soul still not fully crushed by the unfair weight of the world. It will never break if I can prevent it.
“Okay,” I concede. I know all too well that people leave and everything ends. I would be a hypocrite to insist otherwise. “I may not be able to promise you I will always be there, but I can promise I will try with everything I’ve got. I would put myself through hell before I ever think of hurting you, Maddie. Tell me you understand.”
“And if you do?” she whispers. “If you hurt me?”
It’s at this moment it dawns on me that, no matter how many promises I make or words of reassurance I give her, it will never be enough. And I understand. She’s been burned too many times to put her blind trust in someone again.
I know exactly what that feels like, but this isn’t about me. This is about a girl who has crawled her way into my ice-cold heart and refuses to let go.
And I don’t want her to.
My thumb caresses the soft skin of her cheek. “Words aren’t enough—I know that. So let me prove it to you. As your friend, or in whichever way you want me to.”
She leans into my touch, the hardness in her eyes melting away. “Is that what you want to be? Friends?”
“You and I both know friends don’t make each other come, baby.”
Her breath hitches, her cheeks getting that red shade I love so damn much. “I guess you’re right.”
“I’m not sure I want a relationship right now,” I tell her, not wanting to beat around the bush or lie to her.
Before I can add anything else, though, she says, “I don’t want one either. I need some space to…figure things out.”
I nod along. “I understand.”
“But that doesn’t mean I want to stop seeing you,” she quickly adds. “I have fun with you. I feel comfortable and safe around you.”
Safe. There’s that word again. Nobody has ever told me they feel safe around me.
“I don’t want to stop seeing you either,” I realize out loud. No matter how wrong it may feel, nothing could keep me away from this girl. It’s too late.
“Good.” She gives me a small smile that makes her eyes shine. “Would you be okay with just having fun and…you know, not worrying about labels? I just want to do what feels right, and right now it is to be with you and have fun with you. No expectations.”
“No expectations,” I repeat like the most sacred of mantras.
I would never hurt her, not in this lifetime or the next, but she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t trust words or promises that look full but might be drained. So instead of reassuring her with words, I will take care of her through my actions.
“What do you say, then?” I dare to ask again. “Does a weekend trip to the lake sound good?”
She doesn’t have to answer. I see it in her eyes.
