Agreeing to be nothing more than friends with benefits with James lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders. I should probably not even refer to us as that—no labels, after all. And I’m more than okay with it.
It feels liberating to not have any expectations. That way, it will hurt less when he’s gone.
I’ve grown used to his grumpiness and dry humor, and now it feels like my days last longer when I’m too busy to see him.
But no matter how much I keep telling myself that the non-label we put on ourselves frees us of any pressure, that isn’t true. No matter how hard I wish I could feel differently, I dive headfirst into a pit of insecurity and self-consciousness as James and I pull up to a tiny cabin in Bannport, a small town near a lake just a couple of hours from Norcastle.
He wants me here, and I want to be here too. But spending a night in a cozy, romantic cabin in the woods, just the two of us, like a couple would, makes me wonder what I’ve agreed to. If my heart will even survive it. Probably not.
“I’ll get our things from the back,” he lets me know. His presence inside the car is replaced by the biting cold outside. I welcome it with open arms, if only to feel something that isn’t this crippling anxiety that makes my stomach hurt.
Too bad we will only be gone for a night and Shadow and Mist didn’t come on this trip with us, because their purrs would for sure make all these nerves go away. James mentioned Graham checking on them later, so at least I know they will be fine. Me, though? That’s another story.
For better or for worse, I don’t have much time to overthink this. James comes back, opens my door, and holds out his hand. “Let’s get inside. Don’t want you catching a cold.”
He doesn’t want me to—
Stop it, heart. Calm down.
I almost have it under control, but then he opens the door for me with that devastating smile of his, and I lose the reins once again.
“It’s not much, but…” he says as we enter the cabin, but I’m barely listening.
This isn’t much? Holy shit.
The living room and kitchen are spacious and open, and they look like they came right out of an interior design magazine. The wooden touches and fireplace give it such a cozy vibe, all I want is to cuddle on the couch under a big, thick blanket and never move an inch.
Down the hall there are two rooms, the bedroom and what I assume is the bathroom. He stops at the end of the hallway. “This is where we’ll be sleeping.”
If I thought the rest of the house was gorgeous, this room is simply magical. A four-post bed occupies most of the spacious room, and it looks as comfortable as the one in his apartment. There’s a wooden wardrobe and a chest of drawers, as well as a TV mounted on the wall right in front of the bed. A full-length mirror by the wardrobe catches my eye, but my attention is soon pulled to the private deck right outside.
“Wow,” I mutter under my breath as I stare into the mountains not far from us.
A strong pair of arms wraps around me from behind. “Do you like it?” James asks, resting his chin on top of my head.
“Are you kidding me? This looks straight out of a movie.” I turn in his arms, admiring the way his eyes soften when they meet mine. “Thank you for inviting me.”
He places a loose strand of hair behind my ear and cradles my cheek in that big, warm hand of his. “We’ll have fun this weekend.” He takes my hand and leads me to the door. “There’s no food here, so we’ll have to venture into town to get a few things.”
“Okay,” I say, excited about being in Maine for the first time.
He stops right at the door, gazing into my eyes with a raw intensity I don’t understand the meaning of. “But I’m taking you out for dinner tonight. If you want.”
Ah, shit. Why is he being so sweet?
Why is he making this so…difficult?
But I can’t lie to myself. I can’t deny what I want anymore. “I’d love to.”
The small town of Bannport is only a ten-minute drive from the cabin. As the sunlight slips away behind the mountains, Main Street fills with local people and children laughing, giving it a homey feeling one just can’t find in Norcastle. A week ago, I didn’t even know this place existed, and now I’m in love.
We end up at a sports bar near the lake called The Lair, and the fact that everything is so casual, so easy, makes me feel better about this whole situation.
Nobody bats an eyelid at us as we take a seat. Our waitress, a bubbly girl with a name tag that reads Allie pinned on her shirt who looks vaguely familiar and not much older than I am, doesn’t give us any weird looks either. Nobody does.
I’m a hypocrite. For days I’ve been trying to convince myself that our age gap isn’t that big of a deal, since we’re both adults who aren’t interested in anything more than fooling around and spending some quality time together. But all I can think about is how everyone else is going to perceive us now that we’re out in public.
James puts an arm around our booth, his fingers splaying on my shoulder. “You’re zoning out. You okay?”
“Huh? Yeah, yeah.” I blink out the fog in my brain and turn toward him with a smile. “How come you have a cabin in this town?”
“My family used to visit Bannport every summer when I was a kid, so I have good memories of this place. I bought the cabin on a whim a couple of years ago, but I don’t regret it,” he explains. I swoon at the mental image of little James with a little grouchy frown. “At first it didn’t look as modern, but my dad and I finished up the renovations last summer, and I’m happy with how it turned out.”
“I take it you’re close to your dad?” I snuggle closer to him until our thighs are touching. If he minds, he doesn’t say.
“I have a good relationship with both of my parents,” he says as he takes a sip of the craft beer our waitress left on our table impressively quickly after we placed our orders, along with a Diet Coke for me.
“Do they live in Norcastle?”
“In one of the suburbs, yes.”
I almost don’t ask. The urge to bite my tongue has never been stronger, but I’m nosy by nature. If I have a question, I’m never too self-conscious to let it out, and it doesn’t help that I feel so relaxed in his company. So maybe that’s why, against my better judgment, I ask, “What about your brother?”
The hard muscles pressed against my body become even harder as they tense. I almost regret asking until a moment passes, then a minute, and finally he says, “We don’t get along. You know that.”
“Why?” I press before I can talk myself out of it, as if I had any right to ask in the first place.
James extends those long, thick fingers and wraps them around the cold beer, bringing it to his lips and taking a sip.
On instinct, my hand reaches out to his thigh, my fingers drawing calming patterns on his jean-clad leg. I don’t think it will soothe him at all, but it’s—
“I had a girlfriend in college.”
My hand freezes. I did not see that coming. What does she have to do with his brother?
A nauseated feeling sinks to the pit of my stomach, and I hold my breath as he keeps talking, finally unveiling a past I didn’t think I would ever learn about.
“Now I know we weren’t meant for each other, not by a long shot, but back then we were doing okay. She supported my football career, but—this is going to sound so wrong—only because she could already see herself as a trophy wife or some shit. I’m only saying this because she dumped me the second my injury took me out of the game.” A pause. “Well, she dumped me in her mind, at least.”
“Oh, James.” I recognize the pain of someone you thought would always be there, walking away. Better than most people, I do. “I’m so sorry.”
His fingers on my shoulder come lower, to my elbow, as he brings me closer to his body.
“Don’t be. She was never for me. She wasn’t there for me when my head was a nightmare to be in. That’s why I turned to alcohol and lost control until my dad stepped in.”
“I’m glad he did,” I say softly, my fingers finding his. He gives them a squeeze. “I know what alcoholism does to a person. You’re strong, James, for getting yourself out of that situation. It’s not easy, and I’m proud of you.”
“You’re not bothered by it?” he asks, his throat bobbing with a swallow. “Because of what happened with your mom.”
“You’re seriously asking me if I’m bothered by something that happened in your past a decade ago? Something that had nothing to do with me and that you’ve clearly recovered from?”
His heavy silence is enough answer for me. It kills me that he may be upset about this, so I give him the truth. “No, James, it doesn’t bother me. Not one bit. I’m just happy that you listened to your dad and did something before it got worse. That takes strength, and I meant it when I said I’m proud of you. We all have a past; what counts is that we learn from it and get better.”
“Thank you.” He kisses the top of my head but doesn’t linger. He doesn’t add anything else, but I know he isn’t done.
Our waitress comes back with a plate of spicy wings and nachos to share, and he doesn’t make a move to eat. James simply holds me in silence as the loud noises of the crowded bar surround us.
“Hey.” I wiggle my way out from under his arm, enough to hold his face between my hands and give him the soft, reassuring smile I know he needs right now. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I was just curious, but I understand if you’re not ready to talk about it. I’m not going anywhere.”
He swallows, a scared look I’ve never seen before in those beautiful blue eyes. “Promise me?”
It shatters every piece of my heart that he thinks I would ever want to. “I promise.”
It’s the push he needs. With another sigh, his walls come crashing down around us.
“We were still together when I found my ex-girlfriend in my brother’s bed.”
My stomach sinks with a heavy feeling of betrayal that doesn’t even belong to me. “What?”
“My brother played baseball in college, so I guess she moved from one athlete to another.”
Don’t call her a bitch, don’t call her a bitch. You’re better than that.
“I still had feelings for her, obviously, and my life was a living hell. Now I know I wasn’t the most attentive boyfriend during that time, but she could’ve called things off. Cheating on me wasn’t the answer.
“My brother knew I wasn’t okay, but he didn’t care. He ignored my mental and physical health when I went home, saying I was being a little bitch, that I deserved it for pushing myself too hard because I had a god complex and needed to prove I was the best. We never had a close relationship growing up, but that was the last straw.”
My heart hurts for him so much, all I want is to find those two shitheads and…and do something. Anger simmers in the pit of my stomach, even though I know it’s pointless because I can’t change the past. And, as selfish as it might sound, I don’t know if I would. Our pasts, both of them, led us here. To each other.
“Can I ask if they’re still together?” I’m quick to add, “You don’t have to answer. We can stop talking about this.”
“I don’t speak to my brother, even though he’s been texting me for a while now, but my parents update me sometimes. Last I knew, he was working at some marketing firm downtown, but that was years ago. They were still together and living in Norcastle.” He runs a hand through his hair before his eyes land on mine, determination—not hurt—flashing in them. “But I want to talk about this, Maddie. I need to because I’m tired of letting my past tie my hands behind my back. I don’t want to let resentment and pain control me.”
I squeeze his hand in mine, hoping I can silently convey how proud I am of him. But just in case, I say, “Thank you for telling me.” I plant a feather-like kiss on his knuckles. “I can’t… I can’t even begin to understand how betrayed you felt, but if it’s any consolation, they didn’t deserve you, James. Neither of them.”
He lets out a deep breath. “I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him.”
“And that’s okay.”
“He’s my brother,” he points out, as if that explains it.
“And you’re his, but he still did what he did to you. He didn’t think of the consequences of his actions, so why should you be compassionate? Has he ever apologized?”
“No. I don’t think he ever will.”
My mind inevitably wanders to my father and how little sympathy I have for him. If he begged for forgiveness, if he promised to be a better man, would I even consider forgiving him?
I realized I wasn’t a good dad, but I promise I’m ready to be the father you deserve.
His words at the parking lot still haunt me. For seventeen years, my father couldn’t be the person I needed. The fact that he might be ready now doesn’t erase the mistakes and trauma of the past, and for that I could never forgive or forget what he’s done. He doesn’t deserve it.
And I get the feeling James’s brother falls in the same boat.
“But he wants us to talk,” he says in that deep voice I love listening to so much. Right now, though, it sounds drained. “He’s been texting me for months. I haven’t responded.”
“Do you want to talk to him?”
“No.” His answer is definite, cold. “I have nothing to say to him. He was a piece of shit then, and he’s a piece of shit now.”
“You didn’t get along as kids?”
He shakes his head. “He’s a couple of years older than me, so he thought he was meant to be the big, strong one. Turns out puberty hit us roughly at the same time, and I ended up bigger and stronger,” he explains. “If it sounds like vain shit, it’s because it is, but he paid attention to those things. When I started playing football, he suddenly decided he wanted to be a baseball player, but he wasn’t good enough.”
“Because his heart wasn’t in it?” I wonder out loud.
“Of course it wasn’t. He only did it so he could compete with me, but he wasn’t dumb enough to play the same sport I did. That would only prove how much better I was, and he didn’t want that. He’s always resented me, even though I haven’t done anything to him. So you can imagine how happy he was that I got injured and lost my chance at the NFL.”
Anger boils in my chest. Who treats their brother, their own blood, like that?
You should know.
Right. I guess not only fathers can be complete pieces of shit.
“But the fact that I couldn’t have a career in football didn’t mean he would suddenly become a baseball legend, so I guess he slept with my ex just to do some real damage.” He finishes with another sip of his beer. It’s now empty, but he doesn’t order another.
I press a kiss on his shoulder. “He doesn’t deserve you, and neither does she. Not forgiving him and not wanting to see him again doesn’t make you a bad person, family or not.”
That thick throat swallows. “I know, but—”
“Do you think not forgiving my father makes me a bad person?”
His response is immediate. “Absolutely not.”
“So why would not forgiving your brother make you a bad person? It’s the same thing. They hurt us, and they never showed remorse for it.”
For a moment, James stays silent. The only way I know his mind hasn’t wandered too far away is because his thumb starts caressing my hand in soft, slow circles.
And then I feel it—a kiss on my temple, followed by his face buried in my neck.
“You bring me so much peace, Maddie,” he whispers against my skin. The feeling of his lips pressing a kiss on my neck lights me up inside. “More than you’ll ever know. Thank you for always having the right words and not being afraid to say them.”
My heart leaps. And, for reasons I still haven’t figured out, my voice comes out as a whisper as I say, “You bring me peace too.”
“Yeah?”
I nod, my lips finding his in a short, sweet kiss. And if he has any doubts about my feelings for him, I’ll show him tonight.
✽✽✽
It’s almost midnight by the time we make it back to the cabin, after playing darts until my stomach hurt from laughing because James, as much as he insists he’s not, is quite pathetic at it. But I’d never tell him.
He disappears into the bathroom as soon as we get to our room, and I take a moment to sit outside on the private terrace overlooking the forest and the mountains. The sound of the water turning on reaches my ears as I wrap my jacket tighter against my body. The night air is cold but still not freezing, and I welcome the darkness and solitude of this moment.
We’re leaving tomorrow, and I already miss this place.
Our conversation about his brother and ex-girlfriend crawls back into my head as I wait for James to come back. How two people could have such rotten hearts, I don’t think I’ll ever understand. After all, it’s been seventeen years, and I still don’t understand why my father acted the way he did.
I admire James for moving on from that situation, even if it still hurts him to think about what they did. That kind of pain doesn’t always go away—you learn how to live with it. But the fact that he’s moved on and is doing something meaningful with his life gives me hope for myself.
The bathroom door opens in the hallway a little over five minutes later, and I feel him before I see him. His arms wrap around my middle, his stubbled cheek rubbing against mine until I fight back. “Stop,” I shriek, laughing. “You’re scratching me.”
“You don’t complain when I scratch you in other places.” I slap his hand away, and he laughs. “What are you doing out here?”
“I was just enjoying the view.”
He arches a skeptical eyebrow. “You realize it’s dark as shit, right?”
I shrug, and he wraps his arms around me again. “That’s part of the beauty of it.”
I don’t mean to sound like some kind of inspirational guru, but I realize it’s true. I’ve always found comfort in the shadows because here I have nothing to prove and nobody to disappoint.
His lips press against my cheek, and I melt against him. “I drew you a bath.”
My heart skips a beat. “You did?”
“Mmhmm. Let’s get you inside. I don’t want you getting sick.”
His protectiveness warms me up more than any hot bath ever could, but I don’t tell him that. Instead, I silently make my way to the bathroom, only to gape at the display before me.
Not only did James prepare a hot bath for me, but he also lit several candles all around the room and made sure the water had the right amount of bubbles. When I turn to look at him with my heart on my sleeve, I realize my sight is blurry.
“Hey.” His voice soothes me, his touch welcome as he carefully wipes away the tears I don’t even realize are falling. “Don’t cry, baby. Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know.” A chuckle escapes me, and I shake my head. “You didn’t upset me. This is… Wow. Just… Thank you.”
“You deserve this and more,” he says, his voice turning serious, and I find myself nodding along. “I’ll leave you to it, all right? Call me if you need anything. I’ll be in the bedroom.”
“You don’t want to join me?” I ask, suddenly not wanting him to be gone.
He slides the tub a look. “I don’t think I could fit in there. But I promise I’ll take care of you when you’re done, yeah?”
“Okay,” I whisper, breathless. The thought of his hands on me again gives me goose bumps. And I know this isn’t what I’m supposed to be feeling, that he doesn’t mean any of this in a romantic way, but only for tonight, I allow myself to pretend.
So, I do.
I pretend he will never leave.
I pretend we’re ready for the next step, that our lives are figured out, that our age difference doesn’t matter, that my brother won’t judge this relationship.
It tastes like the sweetest of lies.
Knowing what’s coming after my bath, I take extra time washing and scrubbing every inch of my skin. James must have added some kind of relaxing oil in the water because, on top of smelling like heaven, it’s a struggle not to fall asleep. When the water cools, I wrap a clean white towel around my body and make my way to the bedroom.
Just like he said he would, James is waiting for me in bed, watching TV, still in his clothes. As soon as his ocean eyes find me, though, he turns it off and focuses solely on me.
Wordlessly, he dims the light until only the darkness of the moon filters through the windows. His pants hit the floor first, then his sweater. Only when he’s standing in just his black boxers does he move toward the door to close it.
He eyes me like I’m his next meal and he’s been starving for centuries.
“Get on the bed, beautiful,” he orders in that commanding voice that makes my legs feel like Jell-O.
I’ve had to pretend to have my life together for a long time, and it’s good to let go of control and have him take the reins.
I drop my towel and don’t miss how his burning gaze pierces my skin as I wait for him on the bed, just like he wanted me to.
“On your back. Place your head at the edge of the mattress.” His voice sounds strained, guttural, and it makes me wonder what exactly he has planned for me.
I’m no virgin, but I’m not exactly…versed in sex either. But I trust him. It’s like he knows my body, knows what strings to pull to make it sing.
So I lie flat on my back with my head hanging over the bed, and I watch as he gets closer, so painfully slowly it kills me inside. When he removes his boxers, his thick shaft springing free right there, I lick my lips in anticipation.
I don’t know what he has planned for tonight, but I might die if he doesn’t shove that cock down my throat in the next five seconds.
Luckily for me, he seems to share the sentiment.
Dick fisted in his hand, he brushes the engorged head along my lips. “Will my girl open up for me?”
He hisses the second my tongue comes in contact with the familiar, salty taste of his skin. Slowly, he eases his cock down my throat, getting it deeper since I’m on my back. “Just like that,” he rasps, thrusting in and out of my mouth. “Fuck, baby.”
Saliva runs down my face as he fucks himself down my throat, but I couldn’t be less focused on that. He looks like a beast, like a man possessed above me. It’s a sight so powerful and undoing, I never want to forget it.
I gag and choke on his length, which only turns him on more. Unable to take it any longer, my fingers find my wet folds and part them. I need something to fill me up. Anything.
“Fucking hell,” I hear him mutter. “That’s it. I wanna see how you get yourself off. Show me how wet you are.”
I’m pretty sure I’m losing my goddamn mind as I give him my fingers, coated in my impending release, and he sucks them into his mouth with an appreciative hum. “So fucking sweet.”
He pumps into me one last time before easing himself out of my mouth. I pant, breathless but so, so turned on I can’t see straight.
James climbs onto the bed, pulling me to a sitting position on his lap. His lips find mine right as I manage to slip his hardness between my folds so he can claim what has been his since that first day at the clinic.
With a grunt, he climbs with me on top until his back is resting against the bedrest, and then he lets loose.
His massive hands grab my ass and part my cheeks as he pounds into me, the only sounds in the room being the wetness between our bodies and my loud moans I don’t bother concealing. He fucks me hard and fast, in and out like an animal, and I can barely keep up.
“Look at us,” he groans against my skin, and I follow his gaze toward the full-sized mirror right behind us, propped against a wall. “Look how that ass bounces on my cock.”
A moan escapes me when I spot our dark reflection in the mirror. He uses those strong arms to impale me on his erection as he pleases, and I’m only too happy to give him my body.
He makes me feel so good, so sexy, so safe and cherished, I wouldn’t want to be doing this with anyone else. And then he captures my mouth in his, swallowing all my draws of pleasure as our tongues dance together.
I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment the mood shifts. All I know is that one second, he’s pounding into me, and the next, his movements become slow, deep, meaningful.
Or maybe I’m just looking too much into it.
He slows down, and I take advantage to fuck myself on his cock, moving my hips to match his rhythm. His hands hold my waist, pushing me as deep as he can.
When we break our kiss, James presses his forehead against mine, his breaths heavy. “You feel so good, Maddie.”
He’s never said my name during sex before, and it makes my heart flutter. One of his hands cradles the side of my face, and then he breaks me some more.
“Look at me, baby. I need to see those beautiful eyes as you ride me.”
As our eyes collide, something between us sparkles to life.
A feeling I don’t want to awaken; something we shouldn’t poke. And yet it roars to life with the force of a thousand fires.
I don’t want to put a name to it.
I can’t.
“I…” he starts, and my insides freeze, even though I keep moving. Don’t be stupid. He will never say that to you. “Fuck. I need to come inside you so badly, fill you up with my cum. Tell me I can do it. Tell me I can claim you the way I’m dying to.”
“James,” I whimper, my walls squeezing him until his desperation matches mine. “Yes, yes. Come inside me. I need it. I need it so badly.”
We don’t even need to go faster before we explode. I come apart in his arms as he fills me with his release, and all at once it hits me.
I’m falling in love with James.
Tragically, completely.
I’m falling for my ex-physical therapist, a man ten years older than me, a man who doesn’t even want a relationship.
And it’s going to shatter me.
