I rest my feet on the small black table as I sit beside the window with my hands on either side of the chair. In one hand I have a cigarette letting me feel the soothing burn on my lungs, while an open book of Macbeth’s story rests in my other hand.
The rain is pouring as usual as I read the tragic dramatic play by Shakespeare with the candelabra resting on the small table beside the chair. But the only issue is I have been staring at the same page for the past few hours with Agatha occupying my thoughts. And it infuriates me that I can’t get rid of her even in my mind.
It has been a couple of days since she nearly tried to jump to her death. And after saving her she repays me by reminding me of my past that I never want to recall. She made me think of the reason I was here and how it changed me in a way I never thought to be.
I nearly had the urge to punish her but her tears from last time held me back. There is a light tap on my door bringing me back to reality.
“Come in,” I call out, snapping the book shut and resting it on my lap as the door opens.
It’s Agnes.
“How can I help you, Sister Agnes?” I ask, looking at her dressed in her usual attire of a nun. Even though she is far from that role.
She shuts the door behind her and timidly walks towards me, looking slightly nervous with her cheeks lightly blushing.
“I just came by to see if you are alright,” she whispers, standing beside the table where my feet are.
I frown. “Why is that?”
She lightly bites her lip, looking at the floor. “You haven’t come to attend the mass for the past two days and you weren’t there during the round ups in the afternoons. I was worried about you-”
“It is not your responsibility to worry about me,” I interrupt her saying, “-your focus should be on the patients rather than on me.”
She moves closer, lightly tracing her fingers on my knees before skating them up. “I don’t mind worrying about you…or thinking about you,” she whispers, almost in a seductive tone. Her slender fingers continue its journey as she starts to kneel beside me, leaning both her hands towards the belt of my pants.
“I can help you with anything you want.” She unbuckled my belt before pulling down the zipper.
Before she can make her next move to pull down my pants, I grab her wrist tightly, watching her face flinch in pain.
“I may have fucked you a few times but doesn’t mean I will do it again. And last time I remember, I didn’t tell you to come and suck my cock, so leave before I break your hand.”
I push her away as she lightly whimpers from my force with hurt glazing in her eyes.
“Go to Geryon for all I care but never again dare to approach me to fuck you again,” I warn her when there is a knock on my door.
Dismissing her I head to the door expecting Geryon to be on the other side but the person who greets me takes me aback with surprise that I try to mask.
It’s Agatha.
She is in her night dress like every other night but her hair is braided, making me wish I could wrap it around my hands while I fuck her from behind against a wall. She looks a bit anxious with her hand wriggling before her gaze lowers on my unzipped pants.
She frowns with a questioning look. “I came here to talk but if it’s a bad time then I can leave…”
Before I can mutter my answer, Agnes comes to the door, giving a death glare at Agatha whose eyes widen in shock.
“You shouldn’t be here in the first place,” she snaps, making it clear she is channeling her rage and hurt on Agatha.
But Agatha looks back and forth from me to Agnes as if she is connecting the dots to her presence in my room, coming to the conclusion that I must be fucking her. But I didn’t make a move to correct her, she can assume whatever she wants. But the pain and hint of betrayal in her eyes makes it clear this whole scenario is affecting her.
“Go back to your room right away,” Agnes comes to her side and grips her arm in a painful way.
But Agatha’s eyes are fixated on me only while Agnes starts to get infuriated with her lack of attention on her orders. Before I know it she turns her around and slaps her right across her face, making Agatha fall on her floor with her cheek turning red instantly.
My hands clench into a tight fist but I don’t lend her any help. She knows the rules and she broke them, so she had the consequences coming. And yet my heart pangs with an unknown agony seeing her suffering.
Agnes holds her by her hair, dragging her up. “You truly are a brat. Always breaking the rules. No wonder your family abandoned you,” she seethes through her clenched teeth.
“You must have always embarrassed them and they were tired of you before they threw you out.” She tightens her hold on her hair and slaps her again.
My control is on the verge of losing the more I see Agatha getting hurt, and especially her not doing anything to protect herself like she always does.
She isn’t your responsibility.
“You certainly deserved it,” she sneers, holding Agatha by her jaw tightly that I’m sure it must be digging into her bones. But that is the last straw to my control and before I know it, I grab Agatha’s arm, pulling her towards me.
“That’s enough!” I growl at Agnes watching her stunned look from my sudden outburst.
“But she-”
“I told her to come to me,” I lie, not giving a fuck about it. “Leave. Right now.”
“She isn’t-”
“Not another word, Agnes. Fucking leave before I do something you will have nightmares about,” I threaten her with a glare filled face. I witness the fear in her eyes as she looks from me to Agatha before shaking her head and finally leaving.
I guide Agatha inside my room before shutting the door and letting her sit on my bed. A little bit of blood, smudge the corner of her lips. I retrieve some cotton balls and a bottle of antiseptic, stalking back to her and sitting in front of her. I grasp her jaw but she hits away my hand, not meeting my gaze.
“I don’t need your help,” she whispers with a determinant tone.
“I would disagree with how you were getting beaten,” I retort back. “Now let me get a look at your cut before it gets infected.”
This time she lets me treat her cut but still doesn’t look at me. I dab the wet cotton ball as lightly as possible. She hisses underneath her breath.
“What was your reason to come to me tonight?” I ask. But she responds with silence.
“You can either tell me or I can make you, and we both know I won’t let you leave the room until you answer me.”
She doesn’t say anything for a few more seconds before she caves in. “I wanted to apologize for the other night…I shouldn’t have said those-”
“You don’t owe me anything. So, don’t apologize,” I dismiss her answer, not wanting to think about that night. I get up and put things back in its place, turning my back to her.
“You may leave.”
“I didn’t mean to interrupt your time with Sister Agnes.”
“You didn’t. And it’s none of your business about whom I have my time with or not.”
When I don’t say anything furthermore, she gets my message and I hear her getting up. But she doesn’t instantly walk towards the door, rather the book I’ve been reading catches her sight as she runs her fingertips along the title.
“I didn’t know you are into literature.”
I can’t help but smirk as I stalk towards her, standing right beside her. “There are many things you don’t know about me. But yes, I do read literature pieces too.”
“I used to have many books too back at home. My father would get me my favorites during my birthdays.” There was a small smile of nostalgia painting on her lips. As if she is remembering those pleasant memories. I rarely see her smile but when she does…it takes my breath away every time.
“Who is your favorite writer?” I ask, having the urge to know her other than the basic information I have on her as a patient. I wanted to know the real Agatha.
But why?
I have no answer to that.
“I have read mostly poetries over plays and novels. But I would say William Blake is my favorite.”
“Why him?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know…but whenever I read his poetries, I felt close to reality. He spoke about the truth…the harsh reality we live in through his beautiful words.”
“That is true.”
She nods, her eyes still on the book. “He expressed the sorrow and burdened life we all have but we deny it, living in a world where we think these dark times don’t exist. He spoke about those bravely. I knew from a young age that literature pieces where they talk about love, innocence and nature…those are just imaginations. An escape.”
“An escape?” I ask.
She looks at me with a sorrow filled gaze. “Exactly. When I got to see the true reality where those things don’t exist, I confided in Blake’s poetry where I knew my heart won’t be disappointed as it painted a picture in my mind about the harsh world I was born in.”
But something tells me she was greeted into the darkness with a harshness she didn’t see coming. Was it her parents? Her father?
In the next second, I tuck her hair behind her ears, cupping her face as I run my thumb along her red cheek where she was hit. I should have stopped it earlier, but my ignorance and rage blinded me.
“What happened to you, Agatha? Who took away that innocence from you?” I ask, urging her to open up to me.
She shakes her head. “Sometimes it’s better to keep some doors of secrets locked. It’s where they deserve to be…hidden in the dark.”
“But it would still be there, lurking your mind and filling your nights with terror of those secrets breaking the door and ruining your life. It’s better to release them than keeping them caged.”
She smiles sadly. “And yet, you keep me caged here.”
Her words were like cold ice, stinging my heart. “Because I don’t have any other choice.”
“Yes, you do. You just won’t take it.”
I remain silent and pull away but she holds my hand, begging me with her eyes to cave into the hope she has been looking within me for the past few weeks.
“Don’t look at me like that, Agatha.”
“Like what?”
“Like I’m your savior and that I will help you escape because we both know I can’t do that.”
“You can but you aren’t even willing to try-”
“Because it will be a futile attempt. Not only will we break the rules but our lives won’t be the same and you don’t want that to happen to you.”
“Why do you think that?”
I sigh, leaning my forehead against hers. “Because once you enter the Magdalene, it scars you to your soul for life. So, it’s better to accept your fate than hold onto the hope that will lead to disappointment.”
Her eyes glimmer with sadness as she pulls away before I do and walks by me, without a single glance over her shoulder. I look at her over my shoulder, witnessing the defeat she is feeling and I won’t lie to myself when I say, it hurts more than anything else to see her like that. She leaves my room, closing the door lightly but my eyes are still strained even though she isn’t there anymore.
I truly wish I could help her. I have never felt something like this for my patients but also, I’ve never met a woman like Agatha. I don’t want to lead her in a dark room with no sign of light, knowing well it will break her even more.
And that is what I have wanted when I first saw her, but that motive now seemed meaningless.
AGATHA
I wait.
Even though it’s for a few minutes, it still feels like eternity. I knew I would be given the task today to work on the front yard. Everyone else is focused on their task, while I wait patiently for my freedom to arrive.
The ship is going to arrive today. I knew about it from last night when I saw the letter on Eryx’s table beside his bed. While he was putting back the cotton and antiseptic, my eyes fell on the letter that said about the day and arrival time of the ship. Today is my only chance to escape and I couldn’t fuck it up no matter what.
I look over my shoulder, finding Eryx dressed in a long black coat that I haven’t seen him wear before, with matching boots, as he gets ready to go to the shore. I avoid his gaze and pretend to work as he walks out of the front gate.
When he is out of sight, I look around and find no sign of Agnes or any other person to watch on us. I drop my basket and slowly get up, my heart pacing up that I can hear it drumming in my ears. Keeping my eyes over my shoulder, I let my instincts guide me forward as I head towards the direction where Eryx went.
Nobody even bothers to look at me or go and complain to Agnes or Geryon. Letting out a deep breath, I don’t think anymore and dash ahead, not looking back anymore.
I don’t know how far Eryx must have gone and where I will hide in the ship, but I have to take this chance. My only chance.
Adrenaline rushes through my spine with full speed, with fear and anxiousness crawling through my nerves. I try to remember the directions from the night Eryx took me to the shore. I’m barefoot but ignore the little stings left by the stones and fallen branches underneath my feet.
My freedom is the only thing that matters to me.
The journey nearly feels like it lasts for hours but when I hear the sound of the waves closing in, I feel the surge of victory blooming in my heart. I’m so close…so close.
Few minutes later I’m at the shore but hide behind the trees to make sure Eryx isn’t around. I look at my right side and surely the vast ship is positioned at the shore end.
Thank God.
It’s a medium sized ship, painted in white and red. There is a seagull drawing but the surface looks partially scratched. Eryx isn’t in sight but when I take a step forward, I see a few men carrying boxes on their backs. I immediately step back feeling this terror of being caught anytime. And then I see Eryx right behind them, ordering them to be careful with the packages.
I wait for them to be gone as he guides them towards the direction of Magdalene.
Patience, Agatha. Be patient.
When they finally leave and I watch for a few more seconds for anybody else to be around, I finally feel safe and walk towards the ship. There is a ladder and I don’t waste my time climbing up. It seems to be empty. Perhaps all the members went out to help Eryx.
Every step I take ahead are steps of risk with unknown consequences. But I have no other choice. I leave everything to fate, letting it decide my freedom. I walk along the small corridor, hearing the low creaking sound of the floorboard, while silently praying I don’t get caught. Just then I see an ajar door. Feeling my heart pounding, I carefully take a peek inside, finding a dark room which looks like a small resting room with a long table and chairs, along with a shelf filled with plates and cups. But when I plan to hide here, I feel a hand grasping my hand, pulling me back tightly as I let out a screeching scream. But it soon gets muffled by another hand.
“You never quit, do you?” It’s a deep, gruff voice and it’s familiar to me. But it’s the one that I know will bring me nightmares. It’s Geryon.
He holds me as tightly as possible, dragging me out of the ship by putting me over his shoulder. I kick his abdomen and rain hit after hit on his back. But nothing fazes him when we reach the forest area but he is taking a different route.
“Let me go! Help!” I scream.
He only chuckles darkly that only highlights my fear even more. “You think Eryx will come to save you, huh? Sadly, he won’t be here when you will be punished.”
“No! No! Let me go! I want to leave! Please!”
“I have had enough of your acts. Today you crossed your limits and you will be severely punished. Neither Eryx nor God will save you.”
I believe the promise behind his words, feeling the last bit of my hope for freedom fading away. We soon reach the Magdalene and I know it when we enter the gate…the gateway of hell. I continue screaming and thrashing, still hoping Eryx will hear me and come to save me. But by the time Geryon takes me inside I feel dread controlling my mind and heart. Instead of taking me to my room or to his chamber, he takes me to the back of the altar, where a wooden door is located.
“Where are you taking me?” I ask with anxiety and fear in my voice.
“Where you belong and should have been since the first day.”
He opens the door before shutting it behind him, making the entire room pitch black.
“You thought I wouldn’t notice you the day Eryx told me about the ship arriving. I saw how you were eavesdropping and felt your mind racing with plans to escape. I knew you would come to the ship, you fucking brat. But nobody has ever escaped the Magdalene unless they are allowed to, so, you are no different.”
I feel the air being sucked out of my lungs as I sense something bad is about to happen. He flips on a light and continues down a stone paved stairway.
But luckily, I kick him on his groin as he drops me, letting out a grunt of pain, as I fall down the stairs. My body aching more and more until I land on the ground, clutching onto my head and arm. But before I can make my next move to escape, Geryon grips me tightly by my hair and makes me stand up. The agony is too much to bear that I feel he would tear off my hair from my scalp.
“Time for your punishment,” he seethes through his clenched teeth, only making me realize my risk led to my downfall.
