I’m losing my sister. Helena is lost despite having the people she loves around her.
She is sitting on her bed as usual, looking out at the balcony which overlooks the other houses and forest side of Vailburg. Her eyes are vacant just like her soul.
She is suffering day and night after the tragedies she has been facing, and there is nothing I can do to help my own sister.
If I could carry her pain and distress then I would accept them with open arms just to have my sister back.
Carrying the tray of some of her favorite food, I walk inside her bedroom. Placing the tray on the side table, I sit with her, placing my hand on hers and give it a gentle squeeze.
Her face looks pale with dark circles underneath her bloodshot eyes.
“Helena, you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday. Please, you have to eat something…you are fading away,” I mutter, begging her silently to look at me.
“Why am I being punished?” she asks with a choked voice, making my heart pang with hurt and sorrow for her sufferings. “What did I even do to deserve such cruelty?”
I shake my head, cupping her face, urging her to meet my gaze. But when she does, my eyes water up from seeing how empty her eyes are.
No emotions. No hope. Nothingness.
“You didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this, Helena. It is just fate being cruel to you. You just need to give yourself time to heal-”
“I did had time to get over my first tragedy,” she interrupts me, reminding about her first miscarriage.
“This time we took every precaution and made sure nothing went wrong. And yet here I am…losing my second unborn child,” she murmurs with her tears streaming down her cheeks, dropping onto our hands.
“Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mother…”
“No, Helena. Never think that. You deserve every ounce of happiness in this world. You care and love every person who matters to you deeply. And I can say without a shadow of doubt that you will love your child unconditionally.”
She suddenly starts to sob, getting wrecked with her emotions and sadness. She digs her hands into her hair as if having the urge to rip them off with her body starting to shiver.
“Leave me alone!” she orders.
“Helena, please, listen to me-”
“I said leave! Leave! Fucking leave!” she yells on top of her lungs, throwing the try across the room, hitting it on the wall.
She screams while sobbing, looking completely destroyed by heart wrenching pain. “Leave!”
But I don’t. I have left her alone several times but not today. She needs me despite saying she wants to be alone, but I know how much she is craving to have a shelter of support in these dark times.
When she notices I haven’t moved it enrages her more and she grabs my shoulders, making me get up before pushing me towards the door.
“I said leave! I don’t want anyone!”
“No!” I yell back, pushing away her hands. “I’m not going to leave you. I will never leave you.”
She breathes heavily with her lips trembling along with her eyes wide open in shock.
“Push me away how much you want but I will stay with you till your last breath. You are my only family I have left and I won’t lose you too. I won’t lose my sister.”
We both just stare at each other, feeling overwhelmed with distress and misery. Both our minds are in a haze of loss with neither of us finding our way back to sanity.
She starts to cry and kneels down, and I don’t hesitate to join her, wrapping my arms around her. We both sob, pouring out our emotions as we stay in each other’s arms. Her head against my shoulder with her body shaking from crying. “I cannot endure this anymore, Agatha. I can’t…”
I run my hand along her hair, rocking back and forth lightly.
“I know. I know.”
“Please make this stop, all of this is unbearable…please stop this,” she begs.
My heart shatters into uncountable pieces from seeing my sister so broken like this that I didn’t know how to put herself back together.
They say time heals everything, but they never said time can even bring your downfall.
“Everything will be okay…Shh. I’m here for you, Helena. I will always be here for you.”
“Fuck,” he grunts behind me, pressing my face harder against the wall as he continues to thrust inside me.
I remain motionless like a statue with tears of shame trailing down my cheeks.
“Feels so fucking good,” he rasps, leaning closer with his breath against my temple, making me feel more disgusted. I keep praying for this moment to be over as soon as possible but it feels like an eternity.
My eyes are strained on the window of the kitchen where it views the dark backyard, with the stars glimmering in the sky. It’s the only way I can pretend I wasn’t experiencing a living nightmare.
He thrusts a few more times before coming inside me with a groan, pressing his chest against my back, finally finishing. He moves back but tilts my head back to place a hard kiss on my lips, knowing well I hate it more than anything else. And yet he does it every time.
Turning me around he caresses my hair while I feel his come dripping out of me and sliding between my thighs.
“Why the sad face?” he asks with a smug smile that I wish I could just cut it out of him.
“If it’s because of Helena, then don’t bother. It’s her usual act now and she will get over it soon.”
He steps back, drinking a glass of water and buttons up his suit back. Going to the sink he washes his hand and smooths his hair back before going to the countertop where his briefcase is.
“Tell Helena I’m leaving and will be back in two days.”
I remain quiet, avoiding his gaze. But he doesn’t care and grips my jaw. “I said something, Agatha, so I expect an answer.”
I simply nod my response and he smiles before kissing me again while my lips remain unmoving.
“When I come back, be ready in your room at night. Understood?”
I nod again.
He finally releases his grip and walks past me towards the main door and leaves. When the roaring of his engine fades away, I finally feel myself breathing in relief. I immediately rush to my bedroom and rip away my clothes, getting inside the shower. Turning the shower head at full speed with hot water raining upon me, I take the bar of soap and rub it all over my body.
But it doesn’t feel enough.
I get the loofah and start scrubbing my skin, going to every inch, every part Tristen touched. My skin soon turns red from the vigorous rubbing but it does not help to cleanse my soul that is dirtied by my own brother-in-law.
I finally let the tears stream down as I continue scrubbing while the images of Tristen touching me…raping me, flashes in front of me. One of many wretched memories that I wish to erase from my mind forever.
I don’t know how long I keep cleaning my body under the hot water but when I see a bit of blood draining along with the soap, I finally stop. Running a hand through my wet hair I try to relax my mind and nerves, finishing my shower after a while. I get out with a towel wrapped around me and change into fresh clothes to sleep for the night. When I finish drying my hair, I decide to tell Helena goodnight and return to my room.
It is just me and Helena at the residence. The night guards are at the main gate as usual and even the maids are dismissed for the night.
The door to her room is already open as I step in. But she isn’t on her bed, making me frown.
“Helena?” I call out her name. I check the bathroom but she isn’t there either. So, I head to the balcony where I do find her.
But something seems wrong.
The atmosphere feels so ominous and cold that I suddenly feel my heart pacing faster and faster. Helena is standing against the concrete railing with her back facing me. She is wearing her usual peach nightgown with her dark hair being free as it touches up to her hips.
She doesn’t turn when she hears my approaching footsteps. A sudden worry and fear settles in my chest while my throat feels clogged.
“Helena…what’s wrong?” I ask her with a whispered tone.
She remains quiet that the only sound is the crackling of thunder coming from a far distance, signaling the arrival of a storm.
“You lied to me,” she mutters. Her voice holds no emotion that sends chills down my spine.
“What are you talking about?” I ask, standing beside her.
She turns to face me with her eyes bloodshot but there are no more tears like she has none left to shed.
“How dare you? How could you even think of doing this to me…to your sister?”
I shake my head, unable to understand clearly but I have an assumption at the back of my head.
“You know well and it makes me wish I never had a sister in the first place.”
And that’s when realization hits me like a wrecking ball.
“I saw what you and Tristen were doing downstairs before he left…I saw it all and heard it all.”
She knows. She knows about me and Tristen.
I lose the ability to breathe for a second, wishing the ground would swallow me and lead me to death.
“Helena…I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t. I-I didn’t think you would believe me…” I stutter, reaching for her hand. But she pulls away, taking a few steps back.
“When have I not believed you? How could you even think that about me? Since you were a child, I was always there to protect you and you thought I wouldn’t be able to protect you from Tristen?”
The disbelief in her voice made the guilt weigh heavier within me.
I shake my head as my eyes blurred with tears.
“I do trust you and I know you would do anything to save me but-”
“But you didn’t trust me enough and let yourself be a victim of Tristen’s cruelty.”
“No, no, no. Please, try to understand, Helena. It all started when he first came to see you at our house-”
“Since the first day…he has made you his prey for years and you didn’t tell me. You rather decided to endure it than speak up to me about it.”
She looks at the vacant and dark backyard with the thunder crackling harder and getting closer.
“I failed you, too,” she whispers.
“No, you didn’t, Helena. It is me who failed you and I’m so sorry for not being brave enough to reveal his truth. I just saw how deeply in love you were with him and I didn’t want to come between your happiness. I swear I did everything for you because your happiness matters to me more than my own.”
“Am I happy now?” she asks.
I remain silent.
“I was never happy in the first place. He stopped loving me just a few months later after our marriage while my heart still belonged to him. I did everything possible to be the perfect wife, but I didn’t try enough.”
My body stills as I finally see she was actually never happy. She has been suffering too but never spoke about it just like me. And she still isn’t content…she is in misery.
“I promise, Helena. I swear I will fix everything for you.”
She shakes her head and meets my gaze while I silently beg for her to see through me and have the courage to take a leap of faith this time.
But what happens next, gives me the answer I was hoping to never see.
She holds a gun and clicks open the safety button off. Looking down at the gun I can tell what is running in her mind which makes pure terror gripping me…controlling my body and mind.
“Helena…whatever you are thinking about, don’t do it. Please,” I whisper, begging her to listen to me.
But she shakes her head and with a trembling hand brings the gun closer to her head before pressing it against her temple.
“I failed you.”
I start to cry and shake my head. “No. Please, please, please, Helena. Please listen to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before…I’m sorry for being a coward but please don’t do this to yourself. You could never fail me…I trust you. I love you,” my throat starts to tighten with tension with fret spiking my nerves as I start to struggle with breathing.
Her eyes are blank as she sheds a lone tear, looking lost and vulnerable.
“I failed as a wife. I failed as a mother. And I failed as a sister. I couldn’t protect any of those relationships.”
“You can still survive this, Helena. I’m begging you, please listen to me.”
“I cannot. I don’t want to survive anymore.” She rests her index finger on the trigger while I feel the last bit of my heart being ripped off.
“I want to be free. I’m sorry,” she whispers and closes her eyes. But I take the chance and rush towards her to grab her gun.
“No! No! No!” Her eyes snap open with a wild look painting in her eyes like she isn’t going to give up on her motive to end her life.
But I’m not going to give up on her.
Never.
“Helena, stop this madness!”
Her grip tightens on the gun as we both struggle. I give it all to pry her hands off it, but she twists away from my grasp. But I put force and lower the gun, trying to click the safety on.
BANG!
Both of our bodies jolt with our eyes wide open. My heart stops and my blood runs cold like ice.
I’m fearful to look down and witness the outcome that will never be reversed. But I know I have to face this harsh reality.
My eyes lower down where I see my hands on the gun with my finger on the trigger. Helena’s night gown is now drenched with blood from being shot on her stomach.
I stand still, unable to breath or think.
She looks down too and sees the sight I’m witnessing which will be burned in my memory forever. Her body sways as she staggers back and after a few steps her legs give away before she falls on the floor with a thud.
My entire body trembles but I still can’t move an inch as shock shrouds me, cutting off my sanity.
I do nothing but stand there, with my hands covered in my sister’s blood along with the gun in my grasp. She looks at me, her chest heaving up and down with choked breathing.
But before I can contemplate, her movements slow down until she turns still…like a lifeless body. Blood keeps oozing out from her wound, turning her skin pale and white with her eyes no longer holding any emotions. Her blood starts to spread on the ground until it reaches my feet, coating my sole.
That is when the bitter and harsh truth hits me like a hurricane, with guilt killing me as well.
She is gone…Helena is…gone.
I killed my sister.
I killed her.
She died because of me.
Me.
