To say I’m not nervous would be a lie.
We came to Emerson’s Halloween party tonight in the hopes we could be normal. Normal teens going to a costume party with friends. But no one, apart from the three of us, knows the truth. Roman is fighting for the Amato family. Hunter goes to all his fights to help keep him safe, and I hide at Kate’s place while they’re both gone so they don’t have to worry about me. Jace has no idea that’s why Roman’s still fighting.
Jace has no idea what’s really happening.
He doesn’t know what happened with my “accident,” and he doesn’t know who really killed Damon. He doesn’t know we’re keeping this colossal lie that has the three of us all twisted up inside and always looking over our shoulders. We have to tell him. He needs to know, in case he gets caught up in all of it. Our web of lies grows and only puts others in danger.
But how? How do you tell someone that your slowly trusting again, that you didn’t kill someone? That you took the fall to keep your best friend safe? How can you trust he won’t use that against you or tell the wrong person when he’s angry and mad? Jace is a wild card right now and one I won’t show my entire hand to. Not yet.
If Roman doesn’t fight and lose or win for the Amato family, they will come for me. Hurt me again. Hunter’s so involved now, he fumbled the ball in last night’s game, causing the Rebels to lose so Coach won’t pull Roman from first string.
I tug the hem of my red dress again, and Roman grabs my wrist to stop me. I know what he’s thinking. The old me wouldn’t be fidgeting and looking over my shoulder every few minutes. Always watching my surroundings and what’s lurking in the dark. But I keep on doing just that. Without realizing it, I’m giving away little tells that something isn’t right, and Roman picks up on them. Hell, even Jace mentioned that I’ve changed. I’m different.
We’ve all changed. He thinks it’s because of what happened in the trailer, with Damon’s death. We don’t correct him. I have changed, but it’s not because of that or what he thinks I did.
I lace my fingers into Roman’s hand, and I can feel all eyes on me. They watch and wait. So many people from school want to know what’s happening between the three of us. I love to watch their faces light up with excitement and then fall in disappointment when all we do is hold hands. It’s a fun little game for me, and right now, I could use all the fun I can get.
I’m saving my kisses for Roman until we’re behind closed doors. Not that I’m hiding him like he’s a secret, but he doesn’t like to let his guard down. Kissing me out here in public would mean he’s not watching for danger. Hunter would have to take over in that department, and well, Hunter gets distracted easily… and drunk like he is now. But he needed a night off. Roman does too, but he won’t, even for a night, and I hate that. You would think that, after the death of his father, things would have improved, but they have only gotten more complicated.
“Devil girl, light a fire in my pants and spank me.” I hear a deep chuckle and turn to the voice I know so very well.
Walker Murphy is standing there with a cocky grin on his face and dressed as a pirate. He waves his plastic sword in the air, and I try to hide the smile forming on my face. He looks good. And he knows it.
“That’s a big sword, Walker. Trying to compensate for something?” I tease and cock my hip. He just winks and grabs his crotch.
“Two swords are better than one. You, of all people, should know that.” He winks then points his plastic sword to Hunter, who’s playing beer pong with Jace and Emerson, then points it to where I’m holding Roman’s hand. He looks at me and winks again before chuckling.
I tilt my head and raise my eyebrows, challenging him to say something. I’m not giving Walker anything. He’s asked a few times what’s between the three of us, but I won’t give him a straight answer and it’s driving him crazy. He knows, but he wants me to say it. We stare at each other, neither of us backing down.
Roman’s hold on my hand tightens. He doesn’t like Walker much or Asher. Asher. I break my gaze from Walker and look around, but I don’t see Asher. Weren’t they supposed to be going to some Lakeview party? Some girl’s house? Not that I was listening earlier or even cared where he went at all. He can go to Melissa’s party if he wants to.
“I guess since you won’t tell me what the deal is with you three, I won’t tell you if he is or isn’t here.” Walker smirks.
Fuck. Am I that obvious?
I take a step into Roman. He stiffens a little, but I don’t know if it’s from me touching him or what Walker just said.
“I wasn’t looking for him,” I say too late, and Walker just shakes his head and sighs.
“If you say so, Miss Mila. I’m gonna get some beer. You want anything?” Walker offers. He’s trying to be friendly with Roman, but when Roman doesn’t reply, I shake my head.
With a nod, he turns around and puts on that Walker charm thick. “Hey, ladies, who wants to do shots and play with my sword?”
A few girls bat their eyes at him and giggle. I let out a little snort when one wraps her arm around his waist. He glances back and winks at me. Then his eyes dart to something to the side of the house, and he lifts his chin in a nod.
I follow his gaze to a skeleton standing there in the dark. The light from the back porch shines just enough for me to know it’s Asher. Why’s he standing over there all alone? He gestures for me to come over to him. Is he serious?
“What does he want?” Roman growls low in my ear.
I shake my head and turn to look up at Roman, placing my hand very gently on his cheek. His eyes soften, and I know he’s only worked up because he cares about me.
But he doesn’t know what Asher said to me. I haven’t found the time to tell him and Hunter. Okay, that’s a lie. But how do you tell the two guys you love, that share you because you can’t choose between them, that your kind-of stepbrother admitted he has feelings, and you’ve worked out that you also have feelings for him, and it freaks you out? A lot.
“I don’t know or care what he wants.”
Roman grunts, and I know he can read right through that lie. I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t care, so I won’t think about Asher. It’s not working. I shake my head, and Roman’s lip tilts a little at the corner as he looks over my head toward Asher.
“Go see what he wants.” He lets go of my hand, and I turn, letting out a deep breath as I pull on the hem of my dress again. I hear the deep rumble from Roman and let go of the hem once more.
My fingers clenching into fists as I walk over to Asher on what feels like unsteady feet. It’s dark where he waits, not many people nearby, but Roman’s watching me. There’s no way he would have let me go here alone if he couldn’t see me.
“What are you doing here?” I left my phone in Hunter’s car. I just wanted to switch off for a while, but now I’m worried something happened and that’s why he’s here.
Asher’s eyes land on mine, and my heart races as butterflies dance in my belly. I haven’t looked at him in weeks. Okay, another lie. Might as well keep going. I have so many now, I’m starting to confuse what’s truth from fiction.
I’ve looked at him, trying to work out if the butterflies are real. I’ve only had butterflies for three people in my life… well, four. Grady. I experienced one little butterfly for him once, but that’s nothing compared to the ones I have for Asher. With Hunter and Roman, it’s very clear what I truly feel for them. Jace… his butterflies are still there, but there are less of them now. Hiding from the hurt.
Asher’s face is painted in shades of black, white, and gray. It looks unreal. His big, dark eyes move behind me, and he shifts his weight on his feet. It’s been a month since he told me he has feelings for me. Exactly to the day. He hasn’t been the same since. Hell, neither have I, but to be honest, I miss the old, flirty Asher. He was funny and confident and now he’s… well, this. Avoiding me and barely speaking a word to me. And I’ve been acting the same way.
“Asher? Are you okay?” I ask when he doesn’t answer me.
“No. Yes. Depends.” He looks at me, and I raise my eyebrows.
I’m not ready for him to tell me he has feelings for me again, so I hope that isn’t what this is about. I shake my hands out. Not now. There’s too much going on, and this is a huge complication. He can’t tell Hunter and Roman what he told me. I need to tell them both myself, and soon, because this secret is growing each day, and it’s going to mess up everything I’ve built with them.
“Asher?” I prod. Roman will only wait so long before he comes over here.
“Punishment.”
Fuck. I stand taller and look him right in the eye.
“Why do you need to punish yourself?” I feel like I’m torturing him every time I’m around, because that’s how it feels when he’s around me.
“Because I fucked up the one good thing I had, and I don’t know how to fix it. How to get back to what we had before. I want to take back what I said. I fucked up, and hurt you in the process. I miss you. What we had… I miss that. The laughter, the jokes. I didn’t realize how much I need you in my life until now. I’m sorry, Mila.”
My heart races. He’s sorry. He wants to take it back. This is a good thing. But how can we go back to the way we were? We can’t just switch this off. It happened because of what we had before. If we go back to that, it’s only going to grow and grow. Do I want that? No? Yes? Maybe? I don’t know.
“You don’t have feelings for me anymore?” I’m confused more than ever now.
He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he shuffles a little and peers over my shoulder to Roman. I turn and see Roman watching us. He nods slightly, and I look back to Asher. His hands are in his pockets now and he looks smaller, defeated. I hate that I’m causing him this pain.
“No.” He looks away as he says it. When I don’t respond, he shake his head. “Look, I get it. I don’t have a chance with you. I will get over my feelings. But can we go back to being friends? Please.”
That should make me happy, it’s one last thing I need to worry about. But why does it feel like someone’s twisting a knife in my chest? And why do I feel like bursting into tears? PMS. Blame it on good old PMS. Except, I’m not due for my period anytime soon. Ugh… why is this so hard. Why does my heart beat for more than one? I have a very greedy heart, that’s for sure.
But Asher’s giving me an out, and I have to take it. I know I should just tell him that he isn’t alone in his feelings. But what does he want me to do about them? I have two amazing boyfriends, already. Where would Asher fit into the equation if I did act on my feelings? Is it only because we have gotten so close? Would they go away over time? I don’t know the answers to these questions.
Roman wraps his arm around my waist and I startle a little. I can’t overthink this anymore. If being friends is what Asher wants, it’s what I can give him.
“Friends.” I put my hand out for him to shake, and he takes it in his warm one. I feel it throughout my whole body. Butterflies.
There’s a pause where our shake goes on longer than it should, and Roman makes a sound in the back of his throat.
“Friends,” Asher repeats.
“Perfect.” I nod. “Friends,” I repeat again, as if I need to hear that word one more time. Just to make sure it sinks in… friends. Such a simple word.
But when it comes to Asher, it’s never going to be simple.
