Walking away from Sydney just now may have been the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. I spilled my heart to her and put it all on the line. There was nothing left I could say or do. The ball is quite literally in her court and where we go from here is entirely up to her.
It’s all or nothing at this point. There’s literally no other option left with the lines we’ve crossed with our friendship. I could never go back to being just friends with her. And the thought of being friends and seeing her with another guy is enough to drive me mad.
Ignoring the bed I had made on the floor in my room, I collapse on my actual mattress instead. I don’t care. Everything is already fucked, so I’m at least going to be comfortable as I drown in my own thoughts.
To be honest, Sydney didn’t react the way I expected. The connection between us—what we have—it’s completely undeniable. And she’s neither stupid nor is she blind. Scared, maybe, but I know she feels the same way I do.
I didn’t expect her to come running into my arms like a scene out of a romance movie, but I thought she would at least give me more than an “I don’t know”. I know I sprung it on her in a way I probably shouldn’t have and I broke the promise I made to her, but it was quite literally out of my control.
How the hell could I have stopped myself from falling in love with her when I was already falling from the start?
My bedroom is dark and the rest of the house is silent. The only light that is in my room is from the moon hanging in the night sky outside my window. I didn’t bother closing my blinds or curtains, so it shines directly through the glass panes, casting its light across the room.
I left Sydney down in the den and I have no idea what she plans on doing. The thought of her sleeping down there on the couch alone irritates me, but what am I supposed to do? Go beg her to come up here and sleep, just for us to wake up in the morning and go our separate ways when we get back to Vermont?
Fuck that.
I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do right now and I hate that more than anything. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth closed instead and not tell her how I feel. My mother has taught me a lot in the past year since she was diagnosed with cancer. And if there’s one thing that really stuck with me, it’s our mortality and how short life really is.
I’m done wasting moments and time. Sydney deserved to know the truth and what she decides to do with it is up to her. I handed her my heart and now she gets to choose whether she keeps it or smashes it into a million little pieces.
My door slowly pushes open and I glance over, noticing Sydney as she slips inside the room. She softly closes it behind her, but she stops in her place, standing across the room from me in silence for a moment. The tension between us is palpable, like you could reach out and pluck it out of the air.
I don’t move from where I’m lying on my bed, standing my ground with the entire situation. She’s the one who came to me, so it’s her turn to talk. I just don’t know if I’m ready to hear what she has to say.
A ragged breath slips from her and her footsteps are quiet as she slowly makes her way over to the bed. She doesn’t stop as she reaches me, the mattress slightly dipping under her weight as she climbs onto it with me. She’s silent as she settles on top of the comforter with me, lowering her body down beside mine.
Instinctively, I put out my arm for her as she slides up against me, her body against my side and her head on my chest. Bending my elbow, I wrap my arm around her shoulders and hold her as we lie in silence. It’s confusing me—fucking with my head—and I just need her to say something. Anything.
“Hi,” she says softly, her voice like music to my ears. “I’m sorry for the way I responded downstairs. It took me by surprise and you caught me off guard.”
Staring up at the ceiling, my heart pounds erratically in my chest as I hold her against me. “Did it really surprise you, though? Don’t bullshit me, Syd. I know you feel it too.”
“You’re right,” she breathes, wrapping her arm around my waist. “I just didn’t expect you to say anything about it. I wasn’t ready to hear about your feelings because I wasn’t ready to admit my own.”
Turning my head, I look down at the top of hers. “Are you ready to now?”
Sydney lifts her head, tilting it back as her eyes meet mine. “Yes.”
She moves away from me, sitting up in the bed as she crosses her legs and stares down at me. Following her, I sit up with her, putting some space between us as I face her. Sydney takes a deep breath and I catch the look in her eye from the moonlight shining through my window. She looks terrified, but there’s something else there. Something that matches the strong feelings I have in my heart for her.
“I don’t want to be your friend either, Asher,” she whispers after a few moments of silence. “I haven’t wanted to be your friend for a long time, but I was always too afraid to ruin our friendship and be rejected by you.”
“I’m pretty positive we have completely obliterated our friendship.” I chuckle softly as I stare at her through the light that has cast across the room.
Her eyes search mine. “I’m just afraid of the future. Neither of us can predict what will happen and I don’t know that I could possibly survive you breaking my heart.”
Scooting closer to her on the bed, I reach out for her, cupping the side of her face as I desperately search her gaze. “I will never break your heart, Sydney.” I pause for a moment, brushing a stray hair away from her face. “Listen… I don’t do relationships—at all. So this is pretty fucking serious for me. This isn’t just a temporary thing for me. If I commit, I’m yours forever.”
“How could you possibly say that?” she questions me, her voice catching in her throat as her eyes widen. “We’re still in college, barely even started our lives.”
“I guess when you know, you just know.”
“And what do you know?”
I swallow roughly. “That I’m madly fucking in love with you, Sydney Phillips. And I want you for the rest of my life.”
Her eyes grow wet and she climbs into my lap, linking her arms around the back of my neck and her legs around my waist. I watch as a tear falls down her cheek, and I reach out to catch it with the pad of my thumb. A soft laugh falls from her lips as her eyes shine back at me.
“I’ve been in love with you for a long time, Asher Golding.” Her face dips down to mine, her lips barely brushing against my own. “And I’ll love you for the rest of my life.”
