The past five days have flown by. I was nervous coming here and having to meet Asher’s family, and now I’m hating the thought of having to leave here tomorrow. This is our last day in Maine and thinking about going home has my stomach in knots.
I loved every minute I’ve been here and I don’t know what Asher has planned for us, since it’s our last day. His sisters and their husbands left this morning after breakfast, so it’s just been the two of us and Asher’s parents here.
His mother seems pretty exhausted after the holidays and even though I know she hates having her children leaving again, I think she’s happy to have some quiet here again. Asher’s sisters don’t live far away so she will still see them frequently. Asher, on the other hand—with him living in a different state—it seems like there’s a sadness that has crept in when she talks to him about our journey home tomorrow.
“You know, there’s a part of me that wishes I didn’t have to go back,” Asher admits quietly as we sit in the den by the fireplace. We’re both on the couch together, although there’s some space between us as we both watch the flames crackle over the burning logs.
“You don’t like Vermont?”
Asher looks over at me and shrugs. “I do, but it’s not the same as being home. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guys and the team that I play on, but there’s something about being around my family that I really miss when I’m not here.”
“Do you feel like you’ve been more homesick since your mom’s diagnosis last year?”
Asher nods. “I feel guilty as hell for not being around. I tried to be here as much as I could after she was first diagnosed, but it’s not the same as living close to her. I’m glad my sisters are still nearby, so I know she isn’t completely alone from her children, but I still feel fucking terrible about it.”
He pauses for a moment, his eyes bouncing back and forth between mine, before he looks back to the fire. “If something were to happen while I wasn’t here, I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself. And anything can literally happen to anyone at any given moment. I don’t know… I know it’s all unrealistic because if I make it to the NHL, I have no fucking clue where I’ll be then.” He pauses again as a frown forms on his lips. “I could end up on the other side of the country and I don’t know what the hell I’d do then.”
“You can always visit them, Asher,” I tell him, my voice gentle as I try to comfort him in any way I can. “And I’m sure they wouldn’t be opposed to coming to wherever you end up living too.”
Asher looks back at me, an indistinguishable look in his eyes. “Will you come visit me wherever I am?”
My heart crawls into my throat. “Of course. All you have to do is call me and I’ll be there.”
He stares at me for a moment, his eyes staring directly into my goddamn soul. “What if I want you to be closer than a phone call away?”
A shiver tears up my spine from the way he’s looking at me right now. My body feels like it’s on fire and my eyes widen as I stare back at him, unable to produce any words.
“I’m not ready for this to be over, Sydney,” he tells me, his voice soft, barely audible. “This whole fake relationship… I don’t know if I can go back to the way things were before.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know we didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but I think we’re already past that point.” He pauses for a moment, taking a deep breath as his eyes desperately search mine. “I don’t think I can just be your friend anymore. I can’t go back to that.”
My heart pounds erratically in its cage and I stare back at him, still speechless. A ragged breath falls from my lips as I attempt to recover from his admission. “What do you want then?”
“I want you,” he breathes, holding nothing back. “I want all of you. Our time together wasn’t enough for me and I know that might sound pretty fucking greedy, but I don’t care. I can’t keep pretending I don’t have feelings for you, because I do.”
This is what I’ve wanted from him for so long, even though I never wanted to ruin our friendship. Asher always made it clear that he doesn’t do relationships and would never have any interest in that with anyone. It’s a complete shift from what he’s always led me to believe and now he’s telling me how he’s really feeling, I don’t know how the hell to mentally process it.
This is what I’ve been waiting for… so why the hell am I questioning it now?
“You promised me,” I whisper, my breath catching in my throat as my eyebrows tug together. “You promised you wouldn’t fall in love with me.”
Asher’s throat bobs as he swallows hard. “I know I did, but I broke that fucking promise, Sydney, and I don’t regret it one bit.”
“We were supposed to just go back to the way things were before.”
He tilts his head to the side, a wave of pain washing through his eyes. “Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know…” I pause for a moment, my words hanging heavily in the air. “This was never supposed to happen. You promised me and said that this was just to appease your mother. You invited me here to be your fake girlfriend, and now you’re asking for more.”
Asher abruptly rises to his feet and the pain on his face shatters my heart. “I don’t know what else to say, Sydney. I’m not going to lie to you. You deserve the truth, even if it isn’t what either of us expected. I told you how I feel and now it’s your choice what you want to do with that information.”
He spins on his heel, striding out of the room without another word. I’m left alone, staring at the doorway he just walked through, with no fucking clue of what to do.
I’ve had feelings for Asher for a long time now, but I’ve kept them to myself and buried them deep inside. We crossed a line and muddied the waters and now we’re both sinking. The future is so unpredictable and what scares me the most is what will happen after we graduate.
I’m left with a decision to make and because of my fear of having my heart broken, I don’t know what to do.
Either I drown in the waters with him or I swim out alone.
