back door of my cabin, closing it behind me slowly while I listen for any sounds inside. Hearing nothing, I rush down the hallway and around the banister to head for my bedroom. I get three steps up the stairs before I halt at the amused voice aimed my way.
“I didn’t think you would have to sneak into your own home,” Josh says suddenly, and I turn slowly toward him.
Shit.
“I didn’t want to be bothered,’ I tell him tentatively as I shuffle toward the living area. I see him sitting on the sofa, flicking through the pages of the book he’s reading.
“I can smell him on you, you know.” I cringe and move from foot to foot where I stand. He sighs and looks up at me, taking in my wet clothes and my disheveled hair. “I didn’t see that coming,” he says, continuing to look me over.
I blush and roll my eyes before walking forward and taking a seat on the chair across from him. “Yeah, well,” I mumble. “I didn’t either.” I pick at my fingernails.
He shakes his head. “I also didn’t see you letting anyone near you like that either, and though I’m glad you finally have, I hate the person you decided to do that with.”
“We didn’t fuck,” I blurt out, and then clear my throat at the confused look on his face. “We just sort of… grinded a bit.” I groan and rub my eyes.
Please ground. Swallow me.
I won’t lie to Josh. He’s my brother without the same blood. But shit, I didn’t want to have this conversation right now, or, you know, ever. But I also know he won’t let it drop. He loves and cares for me, and I know he just doesn’t want to see me hurt. So if talking about what happened with Darius will ease his mind then that’s what I’ll do then forget it ever happened.
“Oh,” he trails off, looking like he’s about to piss himself from holding the laugh that I know wants to escape at my expense. I scowl at him, and that does it. He drops his book, and his head falls back as he laughs into the silence around us. I pick up a pillow and throw it at him.
“Josh,” I groan.
“Okay… just give… just give me a second,” he breathes. I cross my arms and scowl in his direction, waiting until he finally calms down. He sees the look on my face when he’s done and straightens, his face serious. “Did he hurt you?”
“What? No, he didn’t hurt me,” I tell him softly at his concern, and he relaxes. Sure, he didn’t hurt me physically, but his words did a little dent on me. Asshole.
“This isn’t a good idea, you know. You and Darius,” he pulls his knees up and rests his arms on them. “For starters, you guys practically hate each other. Not to mention he’s the Alpha of the Elites, who do the Highers bidding.”
“I know,” I sigh, and tip my head to rest on the back of the chair. “I don’t know how it even happened, Josh. He was saying all kinds of shit, and then I threw a stone at him when he was walking off and–”
“Wait, you threw a stone at him?” Josh cuts me off, amusement written on his face.
“Yes. I threw a pissing stone at him. Then he went all human wolf and shit, and I ran and he chased me. Then we were in the river, and then I was against a tree rubbing myself over him like the green on grass.”
Silence. Absolute silence.
I bring my head up slowly and look at Josh who appears as shocked as I felt. He shifts a little and clears his throat. “Well, shit, Rhea.” I nod. Shit indeed. “That’s quite the escalation.”
“Yeah, it really is.” I shake my head. “Now it’s going to be awkward, and he probably won’t take me seriously because of what happened, but nothing has changed. He needs to leave and keep his mouth shut, because after watching him and the Elites since they arrived, there is no way we can kill them.” I hesitate. “I… I also don’t think I can handle more deaths on my hands,” I say quietly, looking down at my lap.
“You shouldn’t feel guilty, Milal. You did what you had to do to survive. We all did,” he says gently, and I shake my head.
“I just feel like there could have been a different way, some other route we could have taken. They were just trainees, Josh.” My voice cracks. “Dammit, they had families.”
Josh gets to his feet as soon as the first tear escapes and travels down my face. The dam finally bursting within me, and I can’t hold back any more as another tear streams down my face. Josh sits next to me, pulling me to his side. I bury my face in his shoulder, soaking in his comfort as he wraps his arms tightly around me. My emotions flow free, and I cry for the lives that I took. For the trainees that had full lives ahead of them. Lives that I robbed them of. I try not to let the guilt and sadness consume me, but it’s so hard.
“Shh Rhea, it’s okay. I’m here,” Josh soothes, rubbing my back.
He is here, he’s always here. I honestly don’t think I would have gotten this far without him. He saved my life all those years ago and has done so many times since then. Always with me, always supporting me and loving me. I wrap my arms around him and hold him closer. I’m so grateful for him.
He’s seen me at my worst, at the top of the cliffs at Lovers Falls when I wanted the Unforgivable Sea to take me in its grasp and never let me go. To let me have peace.
Only Josh and Kade held me back from those waters, and now my pack does too. But the stain on my soul, the dark mass that will forever be there for the things I’ve done, even if it was to ensure we survived, robs me of the will to breathe at times.
Josh lets me cry on him until my sobs turn to sniffles, constantly rubbing soothing hands up and down my back. He’s one of only two people that have seen my tears like this, who have seen me exposed and breaking down. I can’t trust anyone else with them. I get myself under control and lift my head to look at him. He lifts a hand and wipes my cheeks, his eyes full of concern. “Okay now?”
I nod, and he relaxes. I lean back, taking his hand in mine and squeezing lightly. “Much better now.”
“Just be careful, okay?” he says after a while of us sitting in silence, just enjoying being near each other. Runa definitely doesn’t mind the closeness with Josh, feeling his wolf where our arms touch.
“Hmm?” I ask.
“With Darius. I’ve seen the way he watches you. Just be careful.” I know he does. He’s a stalker as well as a babysitter.
“I will,” I say, smiling softly, ignoring what he said about Darius. Then I let loose a bigger smile when I ask, “So, how’s Sarah doing?” He shifts uncomfortably. Well, well, well.
“She’s doing good, really good actually. Anna says her healing is coming along great, and I’m keeping her up to date with everything that’s happening like you asked me to. She’s okay, scared obviously, but not scared enough to retreat into herself fully.”
“That great news, Josh.” And it is, Sarah has come so far with her recovery, especially with letting Josh near her. “When the Elites leave, hopefully she has enough courage to venture outside. I’m sure you will be there to help her.” I nudge my shoulder with his.
His cheeks redden, and he pushes me away from him as he stands. I hold back a laugh. “Go shower, you stink. I’ll meet you at the gathering.” He turns to leave, but stops at my words.
“Will you keep an eye on Maize? I saw her lurking through the forest on the way back here. I haven’t seen her around much, and I don’t know what she was doing there. But I just thought it was strange.”
“Yeah, I’ll let the others know about it. Now go, hurry before you miss dinner.” He shoos me away, and I stand and head for the stairs. Time to scrub the Darius off of me.
Yet as I stand in the shower, about to rid myself of his scent, I hesitate more than I should have.
