I can’t seem to do anything but sit and stare at the wall. It’s been a good couple of hours since I ran off to my room and no one has made any attempts to come and see me. I’m grateful. I need to try and get my head around this. I knew something awful had happened in those six weeks. I’d also had two years of Harry telling me I was a murderer. But seeing it like that, so real and violent…I was a monster.
There’s a small tap at the door.
‘Yeah?’ I say less than enthusiastically.
I expect Grayson, maybe even Gabriel. But it’s actually Collins that pokes his head around. He throws me a little smile.
‘Can I come in?’
‘Are you sure you want to?’
‘Course. Is that your new binding spell?’ he asks as he sits on my bed beside me.
‘Yeah.’
‘Nice. Very pretty.’ He turns and faces me with an anxious sigh. ‘Lilly, I wanted to apologise to you.’
‘Why?’
‘The way we met. How I was with you. The way I pulled you into your uncle’s lounge. I keep having nightmares about it. The way you kept screaming. How afraid you were.’ He buries his face in his hand and shakes his head. ‘I am so sorry. I had no idea what had happened to you. I had no idea-’
‘Hey,’ I lower his hand and shake my head. I even keep hold of his hand as I face him. ‘You didn’t know me. And you were just doing your job. I don’t hold that against you.’
‘I hurt your aunt. I want you to know, I didn’t want to do those things.’
‘Grayson was ordering you. I know that. I know how it works here and plus, the bitch really deserved it. She was a horrible woman.’
‘All the same, I need to apologise. And if my actions have affected your thoughts of me, I would really like to make it right.’
‘Has what Gabriel told you affected how you see me?’ I ask nervously.
‘How did you know he told me?’
‘Just a guess.’
There’s nothing but kindness in his tone. ‘I can’t pretend to understand what you’ve been through. And no one knows exactly what happened to you in that barn, but whatever it was, it’s in the past.’
‘I killed them, Collins.’ I try not to cry. ‘I butchered six men.’
‘And I am certain that there was a reason why. You’re not a monster, Lilly. You’re not a bad person. I know that you helped Amara with her dad. I know that you would also sacrifice your happiness to keep my stupid best friend safe. That’s you. The Broken version of you, that’s not you.’ I shake my head, not believing him one bit. It was me. I did it. ‘You suffered a serious trauma. We’re talking something so bad that you literally couldn’t cope with it. The Break is not your fault and what happened after isn’t either so please, please don’t do this to yourself. I’m begging you. The past is the past. You can’t change it. And for the record, not a single one of us thinks any less of you or feels anything but admiration and respect for you. You’ve survived hell, and you’re still an angel.’
‘You really think that?’
‘I know it.’
I wrap my arms around him and give him the biggest hug, which he returns tenfold. I knew I saw a kindness in his eyes the night we met.
‘Thank you, Collins. I needed to hear that. And of course I don’t hold how we met against you. If you hadn’t have forced me into that room, I’d probably be dead.’
‘And I really needed to hear that. Thank you, Lilly. How’s your shoulder today?’
I circle it. ‘Stiff. But bearable.’
He lets go and grins at me. ‘You might want to come downstairs. Gabriel, Amara and me wanted to do something to cheer you up.’
‘Amara knows about the memory too?’ I fill with dread.
‘She does. And she thinks exactly the same as the rest of us. Come on.’
∞∞∞
He leads me to the front door. Outside, Amara and Gabriel both get out of his car with enormous grins on their faces.
‘Hey, Honey,’ Amara chirps as she runs at me. ‘I’m so glad you’re okay.’ She fusses over me, stroking my hair and looking at my face checking that there’s no lasting damage from my adrenaline episode. She then gives me a hard whack on my arm.
‘Ow!’ I rub my previously dislocated arm. ‘What was that for?’
‘That’s for trying to leave.’
Behind her, Gabriel’s completely obscured by a giant tree wrapped in netting.
‘Ho, ho, ho,’ he cheers in a deep voice as he heads towards us. All I can see are his feet beneath the enormous tree. I laugh heartily as he walks closer and stops in front of me. He peers around the side of it wearing a silly red hat with a thick white trim, and his eyes shine with excitement. The whole show has me in stitches.
‘One Christmas tree as promised. Merry Christmas, Beautiful.’
‘Oh!’ Amara squeals. ‘I’ll get the decorations.’ And off she goes, grabbing Collins and loading him up with boxes from the boot. If she chose them, they’re going to be bright! It takes me a few seconds to realise that Gabriel’s still watching me with that stunning smile of his.
‘About what you saw-’
‘Forget about it. We knew that it wasn’t going to be pretty. Anyway, what do you think?’ he asks, shaking the tree and determined not to dwell. I’m more than happy to oblige.
I step closer and peer around the side of the tree to see him better. The smell of the evergreen needles surrounds me and creates a feeling of nostalgia I didn’t even know I had.
‘I think that you are amazing, Gabriel Kendryk.’
He beams.
We’re joined once more by a heavily loaded Collins and Amara.
‘Come on! Let’s get this tree up!’ she orders, leading the way back inside. Gabriel throws the tree over his shoulder, and I watch them all make their way inside. What did I do to deserve these fantastic, understanding and forgiving people?
∞∞∞
‘We got a turkey,’ Amara says happily opening all the boxes and bags.
‘And the rest,’ Gabriel adds. ‘We were in that shop for hours fussing over decorations.’ He gestures to all the boxes and bags littering the lounge. I open one and pull out a selection of coloured glass baubles. They’re not pink. In fact, I don’t see anything pink at all. They’re all very classic and elegant colours. Reds, greens, white and gold.
‘Well, what kind of five-hundred-year-old Witch doesn’t own any Christmas decorations?’ Amara mutters. ‘Not so much as a piece of tinsel in this whole house. Here, I got this for you.’ She tosses me a stuffed Santa with a hat matching Gabriel’s. I press his belly, and he wishes me a merry Christmas and starts singing.
‘What’s all this?’ Grayson laughs as he walks in looking around at the chaos. ‘Dear Lord, my living room’s going to look like Santa’s grotto, isn’t it?’
‘Yep,’ Gabriel says, cutting the netting from the tree letting the long branches spring free. ‘There you go, girls. Have at it. My part’s done. I’m going to make myself a drink and sit down.’
‘Oh!’ Amara says, raising her hand. ‘Yes please.’
Gabriel looks at me. ‘I’ll get you a stiff one. You could probably do with it.’ He winks at me before he leaves, letting Grayson make his way towards me. He takes the Santa from my hands.
‘How are you feeling?’ he asks.
‘Like a monster,’ I reply. My insides feel like they’re squirming every time I think of that memory.
‘Well, you’re not. I know that whatever you did to them, they deserved. And until we know exactly what happened to you, and why Toby took you to that barn in the first place, there really is no point torturing yourself. So please, just stop fretting and enjoy your Christmas celebrations.’ He hands back the teddy.
‘When is Christmas? I’ve lost track.’
‘Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.’
I look at Amara who’s wrapping bright pink tinsel around Collins’ neck, hysterical with laughter as they kiss and cuddle. Guess she couldn’t resist the pink after all.
‘I feel terrible about burning down your orchard,’ I add with a good bit of shame. ‘If there’s anything I can do to make it right…’
‘You can bring down the veil. Other than that… I forgive you, so you can forgive yourself. It’s done, and we’re all moving forward. Okay?’ He waits for me to give my nod. ‘This will be the first of many Christmases together, and we’re going to make them all as special as possible for you,’ he adds, pecking my cheek. He’s being so nice.
Gabriel appears and shoves a beer in my face. I take it and ignore the glare he’s giving us.
‘Do you like the watch?’ Grayson asks, holding my hand and pulling back my sleeve to expose the sparkling accessory.
‘It’s stunning,’ I tell him. ‘But it’s too much.’
Considering it’s essentially a form of restraint, it’s way too extravagant.
‘No. It’s perfect. It suits you.’ His thumb traces along the rose gold edge. ‘You will get used to having nice things. I’ll make sure of that. Speaking of which, I have to pop out. I need to pick up your Christmas gift.’
‘But I haven’t got you anything!’ I say, horrified. ‘I didn’t think we were doing gifts. And this watch is already so much!’ Everything they’ve done for me and I didn’t get anyone anything. ‘Please don’t get me-’
‘Have fun decorating your tree, Lilly,’ he calls as he leaves.
The room fills with Christmas music as the others start bellowing, ‘I wish it could be Christmas every day’. They get to their feet and start jumping around, screaming the lyrics in each other’s faces and tangling each other in tinsel. Gabriel picks up a red piece and wraps it around me like a scarf.
‘Let’s get this tree looking as pretty as you.’
∞∞∞
Armed with a box of silver stars, I stand at the base of the tree and start hanging them from the lush green branches, careful to space them equally apart as instructed by Amara. She’s busy hanging a garland with built-in electronic candles across the fireplace as Gabriel and Collins are pretending to help, but really just drinking. A song comes on, and I actually know it. My hand stills mid-air as an image of my mother springs into my mind. We’re sitting at the base of my uncle’s old willow tree at the far end of his garden wrapped in blankets. The grass is white and hard with the morning frost, and our breath looks like smoke in the air. My mum has me in her arms and she’s singing.
O holy night.
The beautiful voice of the woman singing it now is nowhere near as moving as my mum’s. I close my eyes and see her so clearly. Her long brown wavy hair. Her hazel eyes. Her pale skin and delicate freckles. Apparently, my hair was once her colour. But when my magic manifested, my hair turned red. That’s what she said anyway. That my hair meant I was special. I always thought she meant as a person. But she must have meant as a witch.
I hear her voice as if she’s singing in my ear. O holy night the stars are brightly shining, it is the night of our dear Saviour’s birth, long lay the world in sin and error pining, till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
I start to sway on my feet gently from side to side still clutching the star as I play it through in its entirety in my head until the song finishes. I open my tear-filled eyes. Only then do I realise the room’s fallen silent. When I turn, they’re all watching me.
‘That was beautiful,’ Amara whispers. ‘I had no idea you could sing like that.’
‘I was singing?’ I ask, embarrassed. They all look so moved by my emotional display. ‘My mum used to sing that song to me when I was little.’ I look at the small silver star in my hand. I hang it up on the branch and admire the beauty of the tree even though it’s only half finished. ‘If she saw me now, if she knew what I’d done…she would be so ashamed of me.’
Gabriel guides me towards him, his arms settle around my waist in a most welcome hug.
‘No, she wouldn’t,’ he says. ‘And for the record, we’re extremely proud of you.’ We look up at the tree together. ‘What do you think of your very first Christmas tree?’
I look up at him. ‘I love it.’
∞∞∞
The sun’s gone down, and the stars outside are not the only things twinkling. The lounge has been transformed with elegant lights, delicate decorations and festive charm. Amara and I are happily sprawled out on the sofa by the warm fire as Collins and Gabriel arm wrestle. Telling him he doesn’t want to embarrass him anymore after beating Gabriel for the fourth time, Collins sits next to me and begins chatting away.
‘Rock climbing, abseiling, bungee jumping…I love it all,’ he tells me.
‘I can’t imagine anything worse than jumping off a cliff with nothing but a piece of elastic to save me,’ I tell him, amazed that anyone would willingly do this…and enjoy it! ‘But I suppose it’s not as scary if you can heal.’
‘Don’t get any ideas, woman,’ Gabriel says as he pushes himself off the sofa. ‘After you set fire to our orchard, I think we can call it a day on your adventure sports.’ He walks past, taking the empty bottle out of my hand. ‘I’ll get us all another beer.’
I glare at him as he goes. That was uncalled for. What’s his problem?
‘Something you should know about Gabriel,’ Collins says, watching the empty door before turning back to me. ‘When things frighten him, make him nervous or upset, he tends to come across as cruel or angry. The angrier he is, the more vulnerable he’s feeling. And when it comes to Grayson, the opposite tends to be true. He has a smile that you just can’t trust. Just remember that. I have a feeling you’ll need to.’ He pats me on my knee before getting to his feet. ‘Food! We need food!’ He follows Gabriel outside, so I settle my head on Amara’s shoulder. I know that smile Grayson wears. I see it far too often.
‘You’re all he spoke about today. Lilly this and Lilly that. I think…’ she stops talking when they both walk back in. Collins with a load of crisps and Gabriel with a bottle of whiskey and four glasses.
‘Let’s get this party started!’
∞∞∞
The music gets louder, the laughing gets more intoxicated, and it’s not long before we’re all on our feet dancing around the tree. When Amara trips and lands on her arse, we all watch her lay in a heap giggling before Collins scoops her up, laughing to himself.
‘And I think we’ll call it a night,’ he says cheerfully while she tells him drunkenly that he’s “so pretty”. ‘Come on, you. Bed.’
It’s just Gabriel and me left as her giggles fade up the stairs.
He makes his way over, taking the glass from my hand and putting it down on the table.
‘Dance with me.’
His arm wraps around my waist, his hand slides into mine as he pulls me close. I lean against his chest and listen to his heart thumping as he settles his chin on the top of my head. I hold him tightly and feel so safe in his embrace. Slowly, he leads me around the base of our Christmas tree. I can’t silence the raging argument I’m beginning to have with myself. I love how it feels in his arms. I want to stay in them forever. But the risks are still there. Toby. Grayson. Theo. And now…me. That monster that I know lives in me. As the song ends, I slow and pull away.
‘I should probably go to bed,’ I tell him, avoiding looking him in the eye. He leans down. His lips go for mine, but I move. So instead he plants a gentle, lingering kiss on my cheek.
‘Sweet dreams, Beautiful. Thank you for the dance.’ He waits for me to lift my head. When I do, he smiles. ‘At your pace,’ he says. ‘Everything at your pace. Goodnight.’
With a small bow, he turns and leaves the room.
I can’t seem to face the idea of going to sleep. I don’t know who’ll visit me in my dreams. With a shudder, I leave the Christmassy room and walk around the house in the dark, nodding to the odd Nomad still on duty.
I go into the games room and practice shooting pool. When I’m bored of that, I lean over the bar and take a bottle of whiskey before going into the Victorian conservatory to feed the fish. After, I head to the library.
The sheer size of this room and the number of books it holds still amazes me. I walk along, swigging my whiskey and stroking the bindings. The smell of these books is more intoxicating than any of the flowers in Grayson’s giant greenhouse.
‘Can’t sleep?’ Amara asks, closing the door and making me jump. She walks over to me in one of Collins T-shirts, her hair’s a ruffled mess, but she smiles. I shake my head and offer her the whiskey. ‘No…dear lord.’ She actually gags. ‘I’ve had enough. I’ve no idea how you manage it.’
The clock gives a small chime telling us it’s three in the morning. ‘Merry Christmas Eve, Amara.’
‘Merry Christmas Eve, Lilly,’ she says happily holding her arms open. We have a lovely hug. ‘Is it okay?’ she asks. ‘When I hug you?’
‘It’s fine.’
We sit squashed up together on one of the sofas as I continue sipping the whiskey.
‘Did Toby rape you?’ she asks when I’m mid-sip making me cough and almost choke.
‘Jesus. You don’t hold back do you?’ I could laugh at her bluntness. ‘Where the hell did that come from?’
‘I think I’m still pissed… did he? Is that why you don’t like being touched? Is that what he did to you in the barn?’
‘No. Toby didn’t rape me. He did a lot of things, but that wasn’t one of them. Can we talk about something else?’
‘Sure.’ She rests her head on my shoulder. ‘Like what?’
‘Tell me what it’s like being a Nomad.’
‘Hmmm, well, Nomads live off the radar. We don’t own houses or pay taxes because we don’t want to be traceable, and we don’t want to live a human life. So we live in camps. Big tents or cabins set up on land that Gabriel and Grayson own. We have running water and electricity, so it’s not horrendous. But it’s not the nicest. Towards the end of the war, after the veil was put up, there were so few of us left. Grayson and Gabriel gathered all the survivors together and promised to protect them. Hunters knew the family names of the survivors even if they couldn’t use their stupid tattoos. They also have their blood, and they use it to see if their prisoners today are related to the known families from half a century ago. If we get discovered, we’d all be carted off to the Hunter’s cells and put to death. So, we live in secret camps. Each camp has a leader.’
‘Billy?’ I assume. She nods.
‘Well, the leaders take orders from the brothers and pass them onto us. You have the men who are the muscle. They protect the camps and work for the brothers. And then there are the women. We fall under one of three categories. A fighter, a wife or a breeder. We get to choose what we become.’
‘A breeder?’ I can’t hide the disgust in my voice, and her expression mirrors it back completely. ‘Why would anyone choose to be a breeder?’
‘Witches are born with access to one or two realms of power usually. It was very rare to have more. Except you, born with the lot. The Hoopers always had multiple realms of power and all Arcanes have been Hoopers, so your bloodline is gold dust. Some realms of power are more desirable than others. Elemental and Mental are good ones to have. Sight too. If for example, I was keen for my child to have a specific realm of power, I would find a man whose bloodline has it. So, if Collins and I had a kid, they would have Physical or Telekinetic magic because that’s what Collins and my ancestors had. The Jaynes tended to be Telekinetic so either way, it’s a good match. Breeders just want to produce as many kids as possible with as many realms of power as possible so they may end up with seven kids with different dads and an extremely powerful brood when the veil comes down.’
‘That’s vile.’
‘You’re telling me!’ she huffs. ‘Then you get wives. The women that marry young and look after the men and the camp. Men at the camp don’t do cooking or cleaning. They work for Grayson or sit about drinking, so they would probably starve to death if left to their own devices. And then there are the fighters. They work for the brothers and protect the camp. My mum was a wife. She wanted me to be a wife too, so when I came of age – thirteen, by the way – Mum and Dad wanted me to start looking for a potential husband.’ She shakes her head as she recalls a memory that makes her scoff in disgust.
‘Dad took me to this social thing at a beach a few miles away. They lit a big fire, played loud music and got hammered. I remember sitting at this campfire freezing my ass off as these teenagers all got drunk and started trying to flirt with me.’ She shudders and rolls her eyes. ‘After a couple of hours of telling them all to piss off, I went looking for Dad, but couldn’t find him. So I just went home.’
She goes quiet and her eyes sort of glaze over. A look of horror washes over her face, and her voice changes into an unrecognisable, hollow version of itself. ‘I turned up and saw my dad with my two uncles, standing outside a flaming mess where our tent used to be. They were just standing there watching as everyone else tried to put it out.’ She looks me in the eye as tears start to fall down her pale cheeks. ‘My mum and little sister were inside. They didn’t make it out.’
‘Oh, Amara,’ I take her hand in mine and squeeze. ‘I am so sorry. I had no idea!’
‘I saw him smile, Lilly. Dad was smiling as they burned.’
‘Why would he be smiling?’
‘I found out a few years later that she’d been with another man. My sister wasn’t his. I confronted him, but he denied he did anything. After the fire, he was unbearable. He would get drunk and hit me. Accuse me of being someone else’s child and called me useless because I was fifteen, not married, not knocked up and not training with the men. I didn’t fit in. I hated all of them, but with no money and being the last female in my family, I couldn’t leave. Not without a fight. One I wouldn’t win, so instead, Dad tried to offer me to men for money.’
‘Jesus, Amara!’ I gasp. She’s such a happy and upbeat woman. How can she be this sane and rational after all that?!
‘I knocked out the first guy he tried to sell me to with a bat. That’s how I met Collins. Because I struck a man and violence wasn’t tolerated between camp residents, they called for Billy to pass punishment. Collins just so happened to be with him, and when I explained why I did what I did, I was forgiven. Collins made it clear that prostitution and forcing sex on anyone wasn’t tolerated and the consequence would be death if it happened again, so that was that.’
‘What did he do to your dad and the guy who tried it on with you?’
‘He punched Dad so hard he didn’t get up for two days. And then he broke every single one of the guy’s fingers,’ she laughs. ‘Collins and I started dating soon after. There’s no pressure to be anything but myself with him. I don’t need to pop out a dozen kids or do his laundry. I’m not told to protect the camp or run errands for the brothers. I can just be me, and the best thing is… he’s happy just being with me. Just as I am.’ She sighs a content little sigh like it’s a weight off her chest before looking at me. ‘So that’s my story.’
‘I can’t believe you went through all that. You’re a hell of a woman! No wonder Collins adores you.’ She beams when I say that, but it soon fades as she looks me in the eye.
‘I don’t have any friends. I never have. Not until you. I don’t fit in with the people back home. They all think I’m stuck up.’ She takes a deep breath and lets out a relieved sigh. ‘Talking about it feels good. Therapeutic. You should try it. Maybe talking about your past will help with your nightmares.’ She takes my hand and gives me an encouraging smile.
‘Okay,’ I say with a deep readying breath. I can’t make myself worse I guess. ‘But this goes no further. Everyone looks at me like a victim enough. Promise?’
‘Promise.’
‘Well, I lived with my mum and dad in this little cabin somewhere. I don’t remember much about it except being surrounded by trees. There was a small lake at the back of the house that I would paddle in with my mum as while my dad would catch fish.’ I smile fondly at the memory of my young life. And wonder how different everything would have been if we could have kept hold of that.
‘I always remember the smell of rain and rotting leaves, but not in a bad way. It’s a lovely smell. Natural. At night, we’d sit by a fire, and they would tell me stories. Mum had this book that she absolutely loved. “Grimms’ Fairy Tales.”. She would read them aloud to my dad and me. One day, while my dad was out, Theo came to the cabin. He forced his way in and tried to get to me, but Mum wouldn’t let him. He got so angry as I cowered in the corner. He struck my mum, knocking her to the floor. And I just lost it. I manifested my first realm of power and sent a carving knife at his head without touching it. It sliced across his cheek, and when he was down, Mum grabbed me and we ran. I never saw my dad again.’
‘Where did he go? Did he run? Did he-’
‘I thought Theo may have killed him, but I don’t know for sure. Theo said he was still alive but…I don’t know. Mum took me to Harry’s house and spent over an hour begging him to let us in. He did finally. He put us up in the attic together and barely spoke to us. We were there maybe three months before she died. Harry said it was my fault. He said I lost control of my magic and killed her, but I don’t remember that at all. What I do remember is it was New Year’s Day. We watched fireworks out of the attic window before we went to sleep. When I woke up, she was dead on the bathroom floor with her head caved in. I was five.’ I look at Amara expecting to see judgment or disgust, but I don’t. I see horror and pain. Sympathy even. ‘I don’t think I killed her. If I did, it was an accident. I loved my mum.’
‘Of course you did!’ she insists as if the idea I didn’t is absurd.
‘She was great. Really fun and extremely loving. But Harry always said she was unhinged and a lunatic. I never believed him. Considering how he treated me…he was the lunatic. After that, Harry let me stay in the house. I was a risk. If anyone found out that I was a witch and related to him, we would all have been taken by the Hunters, so instead, he kept me in the attic. Suppose he didn’t have the guts to just kill me. When he put the binding spell around my wrist, I was allowed downstairs, but always supervised. He hired Mr Simmons. An ex-army man. His job was to keep me in line and keep me out of the way. Simple enough really. I knew never to take the spell off. The pain Harry would inflict on me was never worth it.’
‘Mr Simmons gave me a routine which we followed every single day. Up at seven, breakfast at eight. At nine I was taken into the library for lessons which ended at four. Ten past four was dinner, eaten in my room. Last night’s leftovers, if there was any. If not it was bread and water. The attic door would be locked at four fifteen and not unlocked again until eight the next morning. If I needed the toilet…tough. The attic had no insulation, and the window was nailed shut. In the summer I would be dehydrated and exhausted from the heat. In the winter, I would get sick from the damp and cold. One year I got pneumonia. Mr Simmons snuck me in some antibiotics. He was docked three weeks’ salary when my uncle found them, and I got ten lashes and a weekend in the garden shed with a bucket and one of the dog’s old blankets. Harry believed he could beat the disobedience out of me. Not that I was ever disobedient. Not really. Sometimes I got so hungry I would have to steal food from the kitchen. If he caught me, I got lashed. If I got under his feet…lashed. If he got drunk and angry… lashed. He used his belt most of the time. Sometimes his fists and on the rare occasion his walking cane.’
‘Didn’t your aunt try and help you?’
I laugh at that. ‘No. Once my aunt had a bad haircut, so she cut mine off out of spite when I was eight. One year she put on all this weight, and Harry told her she was turning into a fat pig. She asked me if I thought she was fat. I said yes, so she made me eat a block of butter. Totally worth it.’
‘Bloody hell,’ she says under her breath.
‘So that was every day. The same thing over and over. I think if things had just carried on like that I would have been okay. Yeah, I got beaten. I hurt. I was lonely but otherwise…yeah, I think I was okay.’ Now my eyes glaze over and the horrified look that was on Amara’s face a few moments ago is now on mine. ‘And then, along came Ryan.’ I haven’t said his name in years. It feels like there’s barbed wire in my throat as I do.
‘Who’s Ryan?’
‘A boy my uncle hired to do some work around the house. He found out I was a witch and blackmailed me.’ The floodgates seemed to have opened, and it actually feels good to say these things out loud. To someone I trust.
‘What did he want?’ she asks.
I take a breath, ready to tell all about the young boy, Ryan. ‘He… well he…’ But the breath seems to get stuck in my lungs. The words, trapped in my throat. She remains quiet, waiting with slightly furrowed eyes. ‘Toby saved me from Ryan,’ I tell her, not able to say any more on the matter. And she doesn’t push it. ‘He was so gentle and kind with me. He was the most stunning thing I’d ever seen. He said he would come back every day to see me and he did. Every day. When Mr Simmons would go to his room for lunch, I would go to see him down the end of the garden.’
‘How did Toby save you?’ she asks.
‘He made Ryan disappear.’ I shrug. ‘Toby told me he had feelings for me soon after. He was sweet, kind, gorgeous.’ I can’t help but grin. He was like a piece of perfectly sculpted marble. My smile fades, because for all the beauty he has outside, inside he’s as ugly as a person can be. ‘But Toby manipulated me. Controlled me. Made me do things… that I would never have done. Things that I can never take back. Things I regret every day.’
‘What sort of things?’ she asks, sounding apprehensive. Her sweet expression, the “You can tell me anything” look, wouldn’t be there if she knew.
‘He has this way of making you think that he’s right. That his madness and twisted logic makes sense. I was so lonely and empty. No one wanted me. Everyone hated me, but not Toby. The way he looked at me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. He talked to me, wanted to know me, wanted to look after me, and after so much hurt, I clung to his attention like an idiot. I had to make him happy. I had to do what he wanted, or he might leave and I’d be alone again. It’s what my life revolved around. Keeping Toby happy. Fucking pathetic,’ I scoff at my own pitiful desperation. Hating myself and the words I’m saying. ‘The first few months, he was gentle and sweet. He would sneak into my room with treats. Chocolates, cakes, whiskey. We would lay on my bed side by side and talk for hours. He never tried anything with me. But things changed when he saw me after one of my uncle’s beatings. He said I was weak, but that he could make me strong. If I trusted him, he would teach me to be strong and unafraid.’
‘How?’ she asks, apparently unsure if she wants to even know the answer to that question.
‘Harry would hit me, so Toby would hit me harder. He said if I could handle his beatings, I could handle Harry’s. He started to teach me how to fight. We would sneak out to the end of the garden and practice punching, kicking, and soon he took off the binding spell and started practising magic with me. He was obsessed with getting another realm of magic to manifest and when he got my fire to come through, he was so thrilled. Our first kiss was during one of those lessons. In the dark under the moonlight beneath a giant willow tree. Very romantic. As the days and weeks went by, he wanted more and more. More kissing. More touching. But I hated the idea of him seeing my body. He started to get nasty. He wanted our relationship to be physical and the more I put him off, the less he would come and see me. I was just so bloody lonely. So empty. I would have done anything to keep him in my life. So finally, I agreed to let him see me with no clothes on. I agreed to let him touch me. And…it was nice. I didn’t ever think that being with a man could be nice.’ I give a shrug. And then I pull up my sleeves and let her see me. She traces her fingers along my marks and whispers a swear word. I lean forward and show her my back. Her sharp intake of breath is followed by her hand laying flat on my back.
‘Oh, Lilly. You poor girl.’
I sit back and carry on. ‘I thought that once he saw my scars, he’d think I was repulsive. That he wouldn’t want me. But that’s not what happened. He loved my scars. I mean…really loved them. They turned him on. He stayed with me, and I was just happy he didn’t think I was ugly. How pathetic is that?’
‘That’s not pathetic, Honey. That’s abuse! That’s complete manipulation.’ Her hand entwines with mine. ‘Your scars do not make you repulsive. Not at all. What happened after that?’
‘I gave him everything he wanted without any form of argument or reluctance. I just handed over my will. It didn’t matter if I didn’t want to do what he wanted. I had to do it. It was like a compulsion. The need not to be alone overtook everything. First, he wanted to see my body. Then he wanted to touch it. Then he wanted to add to the scars like he was marking me as his.’ My hand rests on my inner thigh subconsciously. She sees the slight act, and I promptly move my hand away. But I can feel his “mark”. His handprint burnt into my flesh. Bastard. I didn’t even put up a fight.
‘Once, he snuck me out of the house in the early hours. He gave me this tiny little silver dress with no back and a pair of heels I could barely walk in and took me to a nightclub. On the dance floor, some guy touched me. It was harmless, but Toby didn’t like it. He really didn’t like it. He beat him half to death then pulled out a knife and cut his throat ear to ear. I watched him lying in a pool of his own blood with this look of terror in his eyes, and I did nothing. I didn’t try and stop him from hurting the guy. I didn’t try to save him. I just accepted it all. Toby took my hand, and we ran out before the police arrived. Even though he pulled me out of there quick, he wasn’t afraid. I remember how funny he found it. As we ran away, he couldn’t stop laughing. He told me that he would kill anyone who ever tried to touch me and that he would never let anyone hurt me again. No one had looked out for me like that, and instead of being horrified, I just felt lucky that I had someone that loved me that much.’ I take a second, hating the feeling of loss that suddenly washes over me. I’ll never be loved like that again. Not now. Not if he’s coming after me. I miss it. A bit. ‘What’s a bit of pain compared to that, Amara? What’s a broken finger or a black eye to the feeling of utter love and devotion? Of protection and passion? Why did I love him when he enjoyed hurting me so much? Why did I put up with the humiliation, the manipulation and the fear he would inflict on me?’ I hear the words, and for the first time I know the answer. ‘Because without him I was nothing. I was empty. I felt no joy, no excitement, no hope for the future. I felt nothing! I would take fear and pain with a little bit of love over nothing any day. When I finally felt confident enough with our relationship, I asked him to help me leave my uncle’s house. Help me set myself up so I could live without being found by Hunters or Harry. He said no…and left me.’
‘Why? Why wouldn’t he help you?’
I shrug because I still have no idea.
‘I remember him leaving and then…nothing. I woke up six weeks later in the cellar where I stayed for two years. Till Grayson, Collins and Hendrix found me. Harry said I killed six men in those six weeks, in a barn. He said my hair turned white and I was an unrecognisable monster. I thought that this recurring nightmare I had was just that. A nightmare. But it’s a memory. I killed those men.’
‘Something awful happened to you in those six weeks, Lilly. So awful that you Broke. And when you think of everything that you’ve been through you have to wonder…What the hell could have happened to you that was worse than all that?’ She’s completely understanding and calm. How? Why are they all being so nice?
‘Part of me wishes that I could find Toby and get some answers. Especially since he was the last person I know who had the journal they’re all so keen on finding. And another part of me wants to run and hide.’
She exhales deeply, puffing out her cheeks as everything I’ve said sinks in.
‘You need to stay as far away from Toby as possible,’ she says. ‘If Grayson wants to find him and that book, then he can find them himself.’
‘Do you think they’re only interested in me because I’m a Hooper?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You said it yourself. Hooper blood is gold dust. If the Nomads are as obsessed about bloodlines as you say, wouldn’t Gabriel, Toby and Grayson want the best?’ I wait as she thinks it over. ‘Do they have kids?’
‘Not that I’m aware of.’
‘That’s a little odd, isn’t it? Why do you think that is?’
‘Well, Collins says he doesn’t want kids until the veil’s down. If we had a kid together now, for example, he’d be stuck at the age he is and be forced to watch his child and his partner grow old, get sick and die. He says he couldn’t bear that. When the veil’s down and we’re safe, reconnected to the Arcane realm, he says he wants to undo the spell. You’re a Sensitive. You can undo the spell he did with the others that keeps him young. Maybe Grayson and Gabriel feel the same which is why they don’t have any kids. Or maybe they do have kids. I have no idea. But I doubt that Gabriel is thinking about that. Grayson…maybe. But not Gabriel. I have never, ever seen him care about a girl the way he cares about you. And I can see it clear as day that you have some serious feelings for him.’ She sits and looks at me with a solemn face. ‘You spent the first twenty-two years of your life miserable, Lilly. I think you have earned a shot at being in a happy relationship. Don’t you?’
