With Gabriel beside me, I watch my memory play out before us.
We’re in the bathroom back at my uncle’s home, long before it burnt to the ground. It was the one downstairs which the staff used to use. The tiles were chipped and the hot water came out murky. Inside the bathroom, Harry and Mr Simmons are watching me as I sit on the toilet. Back in the real world, I feel how hard my heart is hammering. Seeing them so vividly stirs up some serious hatred within me. I remember how my bladder refused to unclench despite the fact that I hadn’t peed in almost twelve hours and my body was aching with the weight of urine. It was Harry watching me that stopped it from happening. His brow is so furrowed, I can count a dozen lines on his forehead. His skin is so red it’s almost glowing and the beads of sweat trickling down his temple tell me one thing.
Harry Hooper, is furious.
His body shakes. His fists are clenched. And his teeth are ground together.
‘So, that’s Harry Hooper?’ Gabriel mutters.
‘Yep. That’s Uncle Harry, and that brute beside him is Mr Simmons.’
‘The man who taught you-’
‘Everything. Yeah.’
‘Did they usually watch you on the toilet?’
‘No. But this day wasn’t like any other day.’
The version of me on the toilet bites my lip and closes her eyes, willing her body to just pee and get it over with. But she’s trembling so much, she has to grip the toilet seat to keep herself steady as her other hand holds the digital pregnancy test between her legs.
‘Get on with it!’ Harry roars, making me jump and her yelp. Her bladder unclenches at the fright and she pees. She sobs as she does. I remember how terrified I was at what would happen after, and the words I repeated to myself in my head.
Please, please don’t be positive. Please. Please. Please.
After a few seconds, Harry snatches the stick from her hands. Urine drips on the floor as he watches the window. A low, guttural growl echoes around the bathroom as she pulls up her trousers and gets to her feet.
Her hands knot together in front of her as she glances past Harry’s shoulder to Mr Simmons. But he shows no support or comfort. Offers no word in her defense. He has a look of disgust in his judgmental eyes.
‘Harry knew my cycle,’ I tell Gabriel. ‘He was always oddly observant of it. Insisted that he had proof that I was bleeding at the right time and for the right amount of days, every, single month.’
Gabriel watches the scene playout with a hateful grimace. ‘Look at you shaking,’ he says darkly. ‘You’re so small and so frightened. What was wrong with those people?’
‘I remember every thought that went through my head in this moment. I thought if I was stronger, I could charge past them and run. But Harry told me they stopped people in the streets to test people to see if they were magic or not. Everyone out in the world wanted people like me dead. He said Witch Hunters were everywhere. I thought about taking off my binding spell and using my magic to protect myself. But it was so unpredictable. I could never control it well enough. I’d probably end up killing myself rather than-’
‘You stupid, foolish, whore of a girl,’ Harry snarls, cutting off my words. ‘You evil little monster, you. How dare you!’ He tosses the stick at her feet. The little window blinks the words:
Pregnant 4-6weeks
To this day, I’ve never seen such anger and hatred in another’s eyes as I did in this moment.
‘Who is the man that did this?’ Harry demands. Her mouth barely moves and no sound whatsoever comes out as she stares at him in shock. ‘WHO IS THE FATHER?’
She jumps back and stumbles further away from him as he yells. Her hand rises to her belly and rests over it protectively. He sees the subconscious act and scoffs hatefully and disgustedly at it. Like she’s cradling a dead rodent in her palm.
‘Is it someone in this house?’ he orders. When she doesn’t answer, he rushes forwards and clamps his thick fingers down on her throat. Her back hits into the porcelain sink.
‘Harry, please!’ she wails, wrapping her arms across her belly. ‘Don’t hurt-’ He squeezes hard, cutting off her air and her voice. She can only plead for the safety of her unborn baby with her eyes. But he doesn’t see nor care.
‘Is – the – father – one – of – you?’ He snarls each word. Saying it slowly and menacingly. She doesn’t answer. Because she can’t. She claws at his hand. ‘IS HE A WITCH?!’ he roars.
She nods. That’s all she can do.
‘I should have lied. Told him it was a one of the gardeners. I was just so scared.’
‘None of this is your fault,’ Gabriel says firmly, taking my hand in his. ‘None of it.’
Harry tosses her like a ragdoll to the floor. As she falls, she protects her stomach. Her head connects hard with the tiles and knocks the sense out of her. As he starts to descend, fists ready, teeth clenched and a murderous rage like none I’ve ever seen, she scurries away. The knock has made it impossible for her to get up. She bumps into the feet of Mr Simmons and looks up at him.
‘Help me. Please-’
But he just yanks her to her feet by her hair and spins her round to face Harry.
He walks past and takes her from Mr Simmons’ grasp. She’s dragged out of the bathroom and down the hall. Gabriel and I follow. We pass a maid, who lowers her head and shifts out the way. We pass the gardener, who nods at Harry and ignores her completely, as he always did. Her screams echo through the house. Her pleas for help, for mercy, they go ignored. By everyone. They’re paid well not to hear her. She reaches for the binding spell knotted round her wrist.
I was ready to tear it off and use my magic. I’d have done anything to save my baby. I’d risk Hunters. It had been a matter of minutes, and I already loved the life growing inside me more than I had ever loved anyone. My mum. Toby. Myself.
Harry sees her efforts. He stops, spins her, and his fist collides with her face with force.
‘Christ!’ Gabriel roars as if he’s seeing it all for real. ‘What the hell?!’ Harry didn’t hold back one bit. She falls backwards, blood splattered all over her face and a broken nose. Standing over her, he shakes his head.
‘Mr Simmons,’ Harry says. ‘Be a good chap and disarm her so she can’t undo the binding spell, would you?’ A smile plays on his lips as Simmons, ever the faithful dog, bends down, takes her wrist, and yanks her arm hard. There’s a pop as her shoulder dislocates.
As she screams, Gabriel looks away, shaking with anger. He can’t look. But they’re about to move, so we have to move too if we’re to stay with the memory. Simmons takes her ankle and starts dragging her down the corridor. One hand drags behind her on the carpet as the other rests over her belly.
They reach the stairs and start to climb, pulling her limply behind them. The back of her head connects with each and every step. Weakly and barely conscious, she tries to grab the banister to make him stop. But her grip slips every time. Her begging is making no impact on them. The men talk as though she’s not even there.
‘I’ll call Jennings in the morning,’ Simmons says, hauling me up the flight of stairs. ‘If the price is right, he’ll be discreet.’
‘As long as he’s effective,’ Harry replies. ‘We can’t risk another witch being born.’
‘He’ll get it done, Sir. I assure you,’ Simmons says with confidence. ‘Or…’
‘Or?’
‘Well, sir. There is always the alternative. I know you have always dismissed it. Saying that you owe it to her mother. But I believe that it may be time. I think that you have fulfilled your duty. And then some.’ The two men look at each other. ‘Save the money, Sir. No need to pay the vet. Rid yourself of the burden for good.’
‘It would see you out of a job, Mr Simmons,’ Harry says. ‘Killing my niece.’
‘I have saved my wages, sir. Enough to see me retire comfortably. No need to make a mess. There is a patch where some Belladonna grows. Down by the old willow at the end of the garden. Fill her belly with the poison and we could bury her in its shade. No one ventures down there.’
‘If you kill me,’ she garbles, her head thumping the steps. ‘He’ll come for you. And he will kill you. You have no idea who you’re messing with.’
They both laugh and continue discussing whether to murder me and my child, or just my child.
They reach the top landing and she’s pulled towards the attic door. She gets the same treatment up those stairs too and they continue talking about what to do as calmly as you like.
She’s then dragged inside and abandoned on the floor.
Harry kneels by her head. ‘Now, girl. You listen and you listen closely. Tomorrow, Jennings will come and deal with this problem. When it’s done, the man who did this to you will never find you again. I’ll see to it. And you will never see daylight as long as you live.’
‘B-but, Jennings is a vet!’
‘And you’re a monster. He’ll manage.’
‘You can’t do this!’
‘If you try and remove that binding spell and attempt to leave this house, one of two things will happen: One. Hunters will find you and they will take you. They will screw you with red hot pokers. They will flay the skin from your body. They will crush you under rock so your bones will break, and know that none of that will kill you. Because your death will end their fun.’ He watches as her lip trembles and tears stream down her blood-soaked face. ‘Option two. We will find you.’ He gestures between himself and Simmons. ‘And we will kill you. Your body will be buried where no one will ever find you.’ His eyes flick to her belly. ‘You and your spawn both. Understand?’
He stands, and he leaves. Tossing the test at her feet as she closes her tear-filled eyes.
Her hand reaches up and just before she passes out, she caresses the star pendant resting around her neck. As she falls unconscious, the world fades to black. And Gabriel and I return to the floor of the hotel room.
I blink Gabriel back into focus. Despite the murderous rage on his features, a tear slides down his face. His hands travel down from my temple to my cheeks so he can wipe my sadness dry and I do the same for him, catching the solitary tear as it travels past the corner of his mouth.
‘If you ever again feel an ounce of guilt about killing your uncle, I will never forgive you. Do you hear me?’ I hear the strain in his voice. ‘Never, ever feel bad about what you did to him. He deserved so much more.’
‘Killing him wasn’t okay. Killing anyone-’
‘Some men need to die. He was one of them.’
‘What did you see?’ Grayson asks gently from the door.
I nod to Gabriel, so he tells him.
‘The last time Lilly consciously remembers wearing the necklace was the day Harry discovered she was pregnant.’ He looks up at his brother but remains sat on the floor with me, his thumb tracing back and forth across my cheek. ‘He beat her and was organising a half-rate vet to come and abort her child the following morning. He was brutal.’
‘Harry Hooper was a big man. He must have really hurt you,’ Grayson says sadly. ‘I am sorry for the pain he caused and for the loss that followed.’
‘Spare her your fake condolences. You’re no bet-’
‘I passed-out holding the necklace in my hand,’ I interrupt. Gabriel is really upset and angry. Which means he’s running with no filter. Grayson’s eye twitches at Gabriel’s outburst. But he chooses to ignore it, knowing that there are bigger things to be dealing with right now.
‘Was it there when you woke up?’ he asks me calmly.
‘I don’t remember,’ I sigh with a heavy heart. Because I know what we need to do. I return Gabriel’s hands to my temple. ‘Let’s have a look.’
We’re in darkness. All I can see is Gabriel by my side. Then a voice travels through the void like an echo.
‘Red? Hey, Red, wake up! Christ. What the hell did you do this time to piss off the fat bastard?’ The sound of a slap returns us to my room in the attic. The sun has set and the past version of me is still on the floor. Toby gently laughs to himself as he helps her up. She slumps against his chest and I see the relief in her face that he’s there. Despite him finding her appearance amusing and waking her with a sharp slap across the face, she’s so happy he’s there. He brushes the hair from her bloody and bruised face.
‘Oh, Red…’ Toby sighs, but I see the slight smile he tries to hide. ‘The messes you get yourself into. I told you, if you’re going to disobey him, either don’t get caught or don’t let him catch you.’ Leaning down, he kisses her mouth possessively, ignoring the dried blood and her lack of response.
I glance sideways to Gabriel who looks at the whole interaction with disgust.
Toby notices her dislocated shoulder and pops it back into place for her. Then, his eyes drift past her. ‘What the fuck is this?’ Toby demands, getting to his feet so fast, he lets the other version of me fall backwards on the floor. Toby reaches over and picks up the pregnancy test, those lilac-eyes widen as he clasps it in both his hands. ‘What the fuck is this, Red?’
She pushes herself up, laying her arm over her belly protectively.
He holds up the stick. ‘Is this a fucking joke?’
She shakes her head and Toby grabs at his hair and starts cursing furiously. He’s livid, but the version of me that sways doesn’t seem to notice. Or perhaps care. I was used to his temper.
‘Harry’s going to kill it,’ she tells him. ‘You have to get us out of here, Toby.’ She rushes towards him and takes his hand. Her eyes are wide and hopeful. Like her white knight has arrived.
God, I was a clueless idiot.
His face is etched in shock.
‘Toby. You have to get us out of here. My uncle is going to force an abortion on me and if I refuse, he’s going to kill me.’ She gives him a little shake and he snaps out of his odd little trance.
‘You’re on the pill!’ He starts looking around the room as if he’s going to find them. ‘You’re on the pill. You can’t be-’
‘I am,’ she insists. ‘I’m pregnant. And now, I need your help. We need your help.’ She reaches out and takes his hand before resting it on her belly. He looks down and gazes at it. His thumb traces back and forth and after a moment, he smiles. Not his usual, mischievous grin, but a genuine, happy smile that softens his whole face and warms his eyes. He shifts closer and I remember loving that look he had. The look a man should have when he sees the woman he loves carrying his baby.
But with a blink, that man goes. In a second, he remembers who he truly is. And cold lilac-eyes meet hers. He shoves her away and shakes his head.
‘You will let Harry kill that thing inside you.’
‘What?’ she whispers. ‘No! Toby, this baby. It’s yours!’
‘Well I fucking know that!’ he snaps back. ‘Which is precisely why you’re getting rid of it!’
‘I won’t. I won’t! And nothing you say or do will ever make me change my mind.’
He flies into a rage. Throwing anything and everything he can get his hands on around the room. It’s so violent, Gabriel actually steps in front of me as if to protect me. It’s so ingrained in him to keep me safe, he’s doing it even when it’s nothing more than a memory.
Toby stalks up to her and snaps the test in two before throwing it as hard as he can at her face.
‘You will get rid of it,’ he warns with finality.
‘I won’t.’ I love the defiance I had when I said that to him. Even now, I fill with pride. For all the good it did me.
‘You get rid of it, Red. Or you and I are done.’
‘Then we’re done.’ The words came easily. Words I never thought I would be able to say to him. Words I never wanted to say to him. But in that moment, they were true. One hundred percent. ‘If you don’t want us, then fine, Toby. Fine. You never have to see us again. But you have to help me get out of here and away from Harry. I have no money. No place to go. Help me get somewhere safe. You owe me that at least.’
‘I owe you shit, Lilly. I already saved your life once. I’m done.’
‘What an evil, cowardly little fuck,’ Gabriel snarls beside me. ‘How could he… I mean… I would never…’
‘I know you would never. You’re nothing like him. But look.’ I point to her neck where the necklace still lies. ‘I’m still wearing it.’
And I’m still wearing it when Toby storms past me to the window. I watch her grab his arm and try to stop him. I watch as he backhands her hard and knocks her to the floor.
‘I’ll be back here in two days and if that thing is still inside you, I will beat it out of you. Do you hear me? You got yourself into this. You will get yourself out of it.’
And those were the last words I remember him saying to me. He left out the window and fled into the darkness. I follow the battered and devastated version of myself as she heads to the window to watch him disappear beyond the tree line.
I look at her face. At the utter heartbreak that claims every inch of her. And my heart breaks for her because I remember what she is feeling in this exact moment. Her heart splintered and shattered into a thousand pieces. Her insides felt as heavy as lead. A deep grief consumed her and she couldn’t breathe.
She didn’t want to.
She slumps against the window frame and stares at the darkness. Outside, the rain is hammering down hard. Lightning flashes across the sky and she watches him disappear completely, and with him, any hope I had for a future which didn’t involve pain and misery.
‘This is it,’ I tell Gabriel, while watching the devastated version of myself. ‘This is the last thing I remember. I’m still wearing the necklace.’
‘So after this, what do you remember?’
‘He left… And then I woke up in the cellar six-weeks later.’
He joins me by my side and looks solemnly into my eyes. Before they go black and he takes control.
‘Show me what happened next.’
The lightning flashes across the sky once more and as it does, my old bedroom disappears.
Suddenly we’re standing somewhere else entirely. Somewhere I never wanted to see again. Piles of hay and broken farming machinery line the wooden walls. It’s raining. Drops of water fall through the cracks in the roof. The beams are slightly off their centre.
‘No. No-no-no-no Gabriel, stop!’
We’re in the Miller’s barn.
I’m lying on the ground with my wrists bound above my head by chains attached to the floor. The girl is holding my feet down and stretching me out as I try to kick her away. Around us are six men. Their arms are folded as they encircle us, watching with an eerie silence. Standing over me… is Toby.
‘Let me out!’ I order Gabriel. But he’s frozen in the memory he’s unknowingly compelled us into. He told me to show him what happened next. This is all I know happened next. His poor choice of words has landed us here and his horror has him transfixed. Her screams for help are agony to hear. My screams. I cover my ears and look at Gabriel. He wasn’t expecting to be here. Neither was I. But he knows what happened and he’s watching it like a car crash he can’t look away from.
‘You can’t have a baby, Lilly,’ Toby says. ‘I can’t let you.’
‘Gabriel! Let me out!’
‘She’s yours!’ she cries. ‘She’s your baby. Please, Toby. I’m sorry I left. I won’t do it again. I swear. I’ll come with you if that’s what you want. We can be happy! Don’t listen to that woman. Listen to me!’
‘Shit…’ Gabriel whispers, utterly lost in the moment of evil he’s about to witness. A moment I can’t face again. I run to him and try to guide his face away. I don’t want him to see.
‘You can’t have this baby,’ Toby repeats, shaking his head and sniffing as he continues to cry. ‘And you refuse to have the abortion. You have left me with no choice.’ He takes a step back.
‘GABRIEL!’ I scream, ‘LET ME OUT!’
‘If you don’t want her, fine!’ she sobs. ‘You’ll never see us again. Please, please don’t hurt my baby. I’m begging you. I’ll do anything just, please. Let me go. Please…’
‘Oh God…’ Gabriel groans, his face scrunched up in despair as he continues watching. ‘Oh Bias… Don’t do this.’
I know that Toby’s lifted his boot. I know that it’s hovering over my exposed belly. I only saw this moment once but I dream about it every night.
‘She’s all I have. Don’t take her away. Toby… please.’ My voice is a shrill panic. A complete desperation. Gabriel steps back, shaking his head, but still watching in dismay.
‘I’m sorry,’ Toby says. ‘I am so sorry. But you can’t have this baby. You can never have a baby.’
‘FOCUS! DO IT!’ The mysterious girl screams. ‘YOU HAVE TO!’
I watch Gabriel’s face as he listens to her. He does a double blink and his brow furrows at the sound of her voice. ‘No fucking way,’ he whispers. I want to ask what he saw. What he heard. But my screams and sobbing as I struggle on the floor are all that I can think about. And I can’t bear to see what happens next.
‘Gabriel Kendryk, let me out now!’ I scream in his face. My own eyes blacken. ‘LET ME OUT!’
Gabriel releases me from his hold and I shuffle backwards across the carpet until my back hits the bed. I’m panting and shaking uncontrollably. Each breath is strained and it’s only getting harder to inhale with every passing second. Tears stream down my face. My magic fades and I jump when Grayson appears in front of me on his knees. His mouth is moving and he’s talking quickly. But I can’t hear the words he’s saying. I can’t understand or process anything beyond the sound of my screams from the barn. They’ve followed me into the hotel room. I know that those screams will never leave me. Ever. Grayson takes my face and forces me to look at him. There’s no anger on his features. He’s worried. His eyes are wide in concern as I gasp and tremble.
‘Gabriel,’ he barks over his shoulder. ‘Pull yourself together. She needs you!’
But Gabriel isn’t fairing any better than me. He’s staring into the distance like he’s empty. His face is whiter than I’ve ever seen it. He saw Toby begin his attack.
‘Gabriel!’ Grayson barks, still holding me up as I sob uncontrollably.
‘He did it, Grayson…’ Gabriel whispers in a traumatised state. ‘He… he…’
‘For god’s sake man. Get it together. Help your girl before she Breaks!’ But Gabriel is lost to the awful realisation that his brother did do what I said he did. Not that he doubted me. But I guess seeing it is far worse than just hearing about it. I know for sure that it is for me.
‘Lilly, sweetheart, you need to calm down.’ Grayson gives up on trying to talk to Gabriel and instead focuses on me. He’s scared I’m going to Break. I admit, it’s tempting to never having to feel this heartbreak ever again.
But I’m stronger than that.
I’m stronger than Toby.
Grayson keeps hold of my face and watches me intently. His eyes continue searching mine, looking for the slightest hint of lilac, I’m sure.
He starts taking deep breaths and tells me to copy him. Just as he did the night we met. Slow and deep inhales and exhales, all the while he looks into my eyes, telling me that I’m safe from my past. That it was just a memory and it’s over now. My throat eases and becomes less constricted with every breath. My fingers are gripping onto his sleeves so tight, I’m basically clawing at him. I don’t look away as he helps me to calm.
‘That’s it,’ he encourages as I get my rasping gasps under control. ‘Good girl. Nice and slow breaths. That’s fantastic. Great job.’ He smiles a kind and gentle smile while nodding. ‘You’re alright. You’re safe.’ Another couple of minutes and he pats my shoulder before turning to his brother who is still staring into nothing. Grayson kneels in front of him and rests his hand on his arm. Gabriel lifts his gaze and they look at each other.
‘What did you see?’
‘S-she wasn’t wearing the necklace in the barn,’ he replies, swallowing hard against the suffering he’s trying to keep inside.
‘You saw the barn?’
Gabriel nods. ‘I didn’t mean to. I compelled her to show me what happened after Toby abandoned her at her uncle’s house and… and… Bias is really gone, Grayson. He’s gone. There’s no way our little brother would do what that monster did. He’s… he’s evil now. There’s no coming back from what he did to her. None.’
‘I know. I know.’ He gives Gabriel’s shoulder a comforting squeeze. ‘Bias is dead. But Lilly is still here and she needs you now.’ Gabriel blinks and looks over his shoulder to me. And if it’s even possible, his misery grows.
‘Don’t look at me like that,’ I whimper pathetically. How can anyone love such a victim? How could anyone ever want to be with someone so broken?
As I watch him, his entire face hardens. It turns as cold as anything I’ve ever seen. Pain and sadness is washed away and replaced with a look so murderous it makes me cold to witness it. He looks at Grayson.
‘The lack of the necklace wasn’t the only thing I noticed.’
‘What else did you see?’
Gabriel gets to his feet. ‘It’s not what I saw. It’s what I heard.’ He storms past Grayson and snatches up his leather coat.
‘Gabriel, where are you going?’ Grayson is up and rushing after him. As Gabriel heads to the door, he takes hold of his elbow and spins him around. ‘What did you hear?’
‘He was going to stop, Grayson. I saw it. Toby hesitated. His eyes started to turn back to brown. His hair began to change. His Break was fading and Bias was winning. He was going to stop.’
‘Then, why didn’t he?’
‘There was a woman there. She held Lilly down in the barn. She saw him changing and convinced him to do it. If she hadn’t been there, he wouldn’t have done it. Bias would have come back and Lilly’s baby would be alive.’
‘A woman?’ Grayson turns to me. ‘The woman? The one he used to make you watch him with?’
I nod.
Grayson returns his attention to Gabriel. We all do. ‘You heard her voice?’
‘Yes.’
‘You recognised it?’
Gabriel finishes putting on is jacket and snarls, ‘Yes.’
‘Who was she?’
‘Who do you think, Grayson?’ He shrugs off his brother’s hand and heads to the door. ‘It was Ava-fucking-Sinclair.’
