“Thank you for coming,” I say to Sadie as I quickly close the door to her red coupe. It smells a little funky, but it’s better than being in a car with either of my neighbors right now. Funky smell over being trapped in a car with them, any day.
“I want to know what made you call me, and why you’re not getting a lift with either of the Montero brothers. Grady and Jace are just so…yummy.”
I sag into the soft fabric of the seat and look out the window as we drive past their cars. They won’t know I’m not coming with them until I’m already at school.
Closing my eyes, I try to figure out how to answer her. Because, really, it’s the truth. They’re yummy, and it would make more sense to accept a ride with either of them. Avoiding them won’t make the problem go away, but it sure as hell will give me more time to think.
“It’s complicated,” I reply as I glance out at the people going about their days without all the problems I have. Hell, I wonder if anyone would even call this a problem. Kissing hot boys, touching them…ugh.
“That’s a totally boring answer.” Sadie shakes her head and laughs.
“Fuck, everything’s complicated. I thought I could come back and be friends with the boys like old times. But it’s like we all turn into slaves to our hormones once we become teenagers. The whole sex shit is getting in the way…hell, even my future stepbrother has made it clear that it’s impossible for girls to just be friends with guys.”
“First off, what the hell? Sex? Spill. Was it with Jace? And two, your stepbrother wants to have sex with you? Gross.”
I laugh, ignoring the first part, since I want to avoid the topic of Jace right now.
“He’s not my stepbrother, officially. My dad is just dating his mom. But if you saw him, you wouldn’t be saying gross. He’s annoyingly hot and funny.”
I pull up a photo on my phone, one that we took together at the first Lakeview party he took me to. He has a goofy-ass grin on his face, and I’m sticking out my tongue to the camera. I show Sadie when she stops at a stop sign, and her mouth drops open.
“Get out of here, that’s gonna be your stepbrother?”
I nod. “Well, that’s if my dad marries his mom, of course. They’ve only been dating a few months, I think. It seems serious, though. He’s at their place more than he’s at home.”
“If you don’t want him, can I have him?” Sadie winks over at me.
I chuckle and slide the phone back into my bag. “Next Lakeview party I got to, I’ll bring you along and introduce you. He’s a player, on and off their field. So, just a heads up.”
“Oh, one night is good enough for me.”
We both laugh.
But I won’t be going to any Lakeview parties for a while. Not because of the spiked drink thing—I’ve boxed that up and put it away on a shelf to be dealt with another time—but more because, after our little chat last night, it would be best to avoid Asher for a few days.
I think the forbidden fruit thing is hanging a little too close now, and it’s best to go try some fruit I can actually eat.
But that leaves me wondering what I want. Or rather, who?
I could stay single, I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy. But it’s nice to have someone to care for and who cares about you in return. Someone who sends a message every morning to say hello, because I’m the first person he wants to speak to when he wakes up. And, at night, I’m the last person he thinks about as he says goodnight.
I sigh. I want that, I do. But I can’t have what I want—it’s not possible. I need to look outside the boys. My boys. Jace, Hunter, and Roman. I can’t have them all, so I won’t have one. But I don’t want anyone else to have them either.
And what about Grady? Fuck. He kissed me, and I kissed him back. I still don’t know what that means. Do I want to kiss him again? I don’t know. It was a great kiss, but…it’s not like when Roman kissed me. Hell, nothing will ever compare to that kiss. Even now, my toes are curling at the thought.
My first class of the day is with Jace and Roman. Only, today, they don’t shun me. They don’t seem to be fighting anymore, either. Jace smiles when he sees me and pats the desk beside him. Roman sits in front of him and gives me a hint of a smile as I pass him.
“Hey,” I say as I sit down, dumping my books on my desk with a thud.
“Did you get a lift with Grady?” Jace questions, and I shake my head.
“No, with Sadie.”
He furrows his brow and shrugs. Okay, snob boy. Is the football star too popular to know the rest of the students here?
“I’ll have you know, Sadie is nice and funny and actually wanted to be my friend when you were being jerks. So, shame on you, jock boy.”
Jace holds his hands up. “Sorry, I don’t know everyone. I’m a busy person.”
I ignore him and turn to Roman. “Roman?” I ask, and he turns to look at me. He doesn’t smile, but he nods in acknowledgment of what I said. “After school today, do you want to come over to work on the assignment together for chem? Or we could work in the library, if that’s easier?”
“Got practice till five,” he says, and I can’t wipe the smile from my face. He’s still talking to me. We are all good.
“That’s okay. I’ll order food, and we can work over dinner. Dad will be happy to see you.”
Dad asked me when he’s going to start seeing Hunter and Roman over at our place. He said he misses the boys. I’d pouted, and he just laughed, saying he loves me, but when I left, so did they. He’s always looked at them like they’re his sons too.
“Okay.” Roman nods and turns back to the teacher.
“Do you want to wait around until we finish? I can give you a lift home,” Jace offers.
Does he think he’s coming over to study with me too?
When I don’t answer straightaway, he nods toward the back of Roman. “He has a motorcycle. Just thought, if you need a lift, it might be more comfortable in my car is all.”
Oh, wow. I didn’t know Roman rode a motorcycle. Fuck, he just went up ten points on the hot scale. I’ve always wanted to ride one. But I think it would give Dad a heart attack, and he’s too young for one of those.
“Yeah, that would be great. As much as I would love to ride with Roman, I think it’s best my dad doesn’t see me on the back of a motorcycle just yet. I can study in the library while you’re training. Who do you play this Friday? It’s an away game, right?”
“Yeah, you coming to watch us? We play East Haven Huskies. Mom and Dad will be there. They could give you a lift.”
I nod. Yeah, I’ll come watch their game. I don’t want to miss it. I like this. So far with Jace and Roman, it isn’t what I was expecting. But I’m so grateful. It’s what I wanted when I came back.
“But you need to wear Rebels colors.”
I laugh loudly, and everyone in class turns to me, and the teacher glares daggers. I look down at my desk and shuffle my books, but I can’t hide the smile.
Today has started out so perfect. I’m happy. I shouldn’t have been so worried.
There’s a loud “whoop” in the quiet of the library. There aren’t many students here, and I look over to see Hunter, wearing basketball shorts and a red tee, looking at me. His gym bag is slung over his shoulder as he jogs to me.
“Hey, Mila. I got you something to wear for the game on Friday. I packed it in my bag this morning, but I forgot to give it to you earlier.” He slams his bag down on the table, and the other student sitting close by stares at him.
I wave my hand at Hunter to lower his voice. “Shhh…have you never been in a library?”
Hunter looks around at everyone gawking at him. He grins and waves at them like he’s a royal prince on a tour. Ugh. I want to be friends with them again, so I guess I have to deal with Mr. Cocky, popular, football star and the stares from others.
Today, the guys have been nothing but friendly. It was a little jarring at lunch, and I think it might take me a few days to get used to it.
He starts to rummage in his bag, which is full of so much shit. Clothes, shoes, a water bottle, a wet towel…is that half a bag of Doritos?
“It’s in here somewhere. I packed it at the bottom, so I wouldn’t lose it.” He pulls out a bunch of random clothes, and a dirty sock drops onto the table.
I scrunch up my nose at how gross his gym bag is. “God, Hunter, did you pack your whole house in there.” Whatever he brought me is probably gonna smell bad if it’s at the bottom of all that.
He pauses, a lopsided grin on his face. “Do you know what I pack when I see you?”
Confused I ask, “What do you pack?”
“About eight inches.”
My mouth drops open. He didn’t. What the fuck?
“Hunter,” I whisper-yell, shaking my head. I hold my hand over my mouth to stop myself from laughing loudly.
He chuckles like it’s the funniest thing ever. He got me good—I walked right into that one.
“God, you’re annoying.”
He just grins and winks.
Then, he pulls out a red jersey. He proudly shows it to me. It’s wrinkled and probably smells like sweaty jock strap, but it just says “Rebels.” No number or names. No playing favorites.
I smile, and reaching out, I take it. “Thank you.” I hug it to my chest. “This is perfect.”
Then the smell hits me, and I dangle it away from myself as I try not to gag. “You might want to wash everything in your bag,” I suggest, and he laughs at me as he shoves everything back inside.
“Or burn it,” Jace says as he approaches behind Hunter. “You ready to go?” he asks me.
I nod, quickly putting all my books in my bag and holding the jersey. I don’t want my books to have this locker-room stink too.
On the way to Jace’s car, I start to feel a nervous. Is he going to say something to me in the car about what happened yesterday? With the fight? Did Grady tell him that we kissed?
If he asks, I’ll be honest. But if Grady hasn’t mentioned it, I won’t either. It’s not a big deal unless we make it one.
Thankfully, the ride home is normal. Jace sings badly to some tunes on the radio. He tells me how he’s been working hard on his passes, and he hopes there will be college scouts coming to his games.
“I know I’m not a top draft pick. I never will be. But I’m good enough for a smaller college. I just need the scholarship. Grady will get one—he’s got a four-star rating. He’s already gotten offers to a few amazing colleges. I don’t want my parents to worry about me.”
I understand what he’s saying. It also makes me realize that I haven’t thought about my future or college much. I’m not sure what I want to do.
What do I want from life? It’s the ultimate question, but who has the answer at sixteen? Certainly not me.
Do I even want to go to college? Do I want a career in boring business? Do I want a white picket fence and kids?
I need to start thinking about this, because what I do now will determine my future. One thing I know for sure—I want to be an artist. It might not bring in a lot of money, but I will be rich with the love of my passion.
When we pull up to our houses, I see Roman perched beside his motorcycle on the grass. It’s black and chrome. He looks like a bad boy biker. I’d found it interesting he wears such heavy black boots, but now they make sense. I guess he rides to school each day.
“Thanks for the lift,” I tell Jace as I jump out.
“No worries. If you need one tomorrow morning, I’ll be here. Just text me.”
I walk away from the car and toward my front door, the interactions I had with the guys today playing out in my head. It’s all been so normal.
Maybe Asher is wrong? Maybe girls and guys can be friends without sex getting in the way.
But when I look back at Roman, who is following me…fuck. There’s no way sex won’t get in the way.
“Do you think you’ll go to college? Or want a future in football?” Dad asks Roman at the dinner table. Dad ordered Chinese, and it’s been kinda funny watching him talk with Roman.
Roman barely said a word to me while we studied. At first, I thought he didn’t understand the assignment, so he didn’t have anything to say. But as I watched him write down his answers, I realized that wasn’t the case. He’s just quiet. Like when I first met him.
Well, he was quiet until Dad came home and asked him about a hundred questions. Roman hasn’t missed a beat. It’s jarring how he can be so closed off with me. Yet, in my dad’s presence, he’s open and even laughed. I’d had no idea he could do that still.
I’ve decided to make it my mission to hear that laugh again. Because it was deep and real.
“Okay, Dad, no more questions. We have lots of work to do. Football and everything else gets in the way, and we don’t want to fail.”
That had Dad pushing away from the table and clearing it. “No, you’re right. Go study more. I’ll clean up here.”
I get up and Roman follows. Our books and my laptop are on the coffee table, but I know Dad likes to watch game tapes after dinner, so I gather up as much as I can. Roman follows my lead and grabs his stuff, and I lead him up to my room.
He hesitates at the door, which is funny. It’s not like he’s never been in here before. Far from it. He’s had sleepovers in here with me more times than I can count.
Sometimes, he’d slept in the spare room Dad set up if the boys ever wanted to sleep over and not be in the same room as me. That only happened a few times, and it was Hunter who slept in there the most. He said I snore loudly, but I think it’s an excuse because he sometimes had nightmares and would wake me. He would thrash around and call out, and I would wake him and comfort him as best I could. He would cry himself to sleep, and the next day he would go home as soon as he got up. He was embarrassed by the nightmares, but he didn’t have to be. I wanted to be there for him when he needed me.
Sitting down, I place my books on the floor, spreading them out around me. “Okay, we’re gonna get as much of this done as possible.”
I don’t want to take up too much of his time outside of school. He has his job at the tattoo place downtown; I got that much out of him. Apart from that, he seems to not have much free time. So, we’ll have one more study session next week, and that’s all. I don’t mind doing most the work, but he made it clear he doesn’t want that. He wants to put in his share of the workload. I like that.
When Roman doesn’t sit beside me, I look over and find him looking at one of my many sketch pads. Oh, fuck. I scramble up, my book and pen dropping to the floor as I reach over to grab it from him.
But he sees me coming and turns before I can reach the pad.
“You still draw?” he asks.
I try to reach around him without touching him, but he turns. I curse at how tall and wide he has gotten. I jump onto my bed and bounce slightly as I hold my hand out to him and cock my head. “Excuse me, you can’t just come in here and look at my things.”
He cocks his head and gives me a smirk. It’s enough for me to drop my hand.
“Before you left, you drew me a daisy and gave it to me.”
How could I forget? That was the day I rode my bike to his house and kissed him. I give him a small smile, hoping he isn’t going to ask about the first kiss. No one has brought it again, and I hope to keep that buried. For at least fifty years.
“Yeah?” I reply hesitantly when he doesn’t elaborate.
He grabs the back of his gray tee, and in one move, it’s up and over his head and on my floor. Fuck…Roman.
Does he even know how hot that move is? I bite my lip as my eyes roll over his chest. He’s covered in tattoos here too. These are a little different from his sleeve, and the one that catches my eye is the one over his heart.
“Holy shit, Roman.” I move to the edge of the bed, wobbling a little on the mattress. Up here, I’m taller than him, and I like it. I have the urge to run my fingers through his long hair. I love the way it curls up at the ends. Maybe he will let me braid it before the game on Friday?
“Jeanie,” I whisper. It’s his Mom’s name. Under my daisy. It looks exactly like the daisy that I drew for him. Unlike the rest of his ink, there’s no color. It’s just a penciled drawing of a daisy bending over slightly. One that a twelve-year-old girl drew for her best friend, because she knew she wouldn’t be picking daisies with him anymore.
“Wow, Roman.” I’m choked up. He tattooed my drawing onto his body.
I study his whole chest while he stands there, looking at anything other than me. There are marks, scars, and old, yellowing bruises mixed in with purple ones on his ribs. There are round scars that are puckered and old, but they’re there. The tattoos can’t hide everything.
My throat thickens with sadness. I know where he got the round scars. I’d seen one on him before I left, and he told me not to worry about it.
I should have called him every day. I should have told my dad to save him, take him in. I feel a tear slip down my cheek, but I don’t wipe it away. I should have done so much to protect him, and I couldn’t. Now, he’s a broken man at the age of sixteen, and I blame myself. He wouldn’t have turned out like this if I’d been there for him. I know it.
My fingers reach out to touch the most visible scar beside the daisy, and he takes a step back. I bring my hand back to my chest just as fast.
“Sorry,” I whisper.
He turns and puts his shirt on. On his back, the scars are even worse, and I look away, blinking back the tears. I don’t want him to see pity on my face. I know he’s too proud for that. He can’t think living with his dad is safe? He needs somewhere safe to go.
“Do you want to stay here tonight?” I find myself asking before I’ve even spoken with my dad. But I know if I tell my dad what I saw, he’ll make Roman move in here in a heartbeat.
Roman turns around and shakes his head, grabbing his books off the floor as I stand there, not knowing what to do or say. Fuck. I shouldn’t have tried to touch him.
“No, I need to get going.”
“Work?” I question, thinking it’s the answer he’ll feel most comfortable with.
In reality, we both know he’s running away because he let down a wall with me tonight, and I overstepped by trying to push him on the touching thing. I keep forgetting he’s not the same boy I left. No hugs or smiles. It breaks my heart.
Roman just grunts and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
I slump down on my bed and pull my knees to my chest and sob.
Oh, Roman. What has happened to you, my sweet hugger?
