Panic set in when I realized that Jack would be arriving home soon. I hadn’t communicated with him in any form since the text messages two days ago. I half wondered if I should leave the apartment. But where would I go? I couldn’t hide from him forever. The sooner we had this conversation, the better it would be for everyone involved.
I paced back and forth in my bedroom, my thoughts all over the place. It was easier to be the tough girl when Jack was in another state and I could simply shut him off with the press of a button on my cell phone.
Nerves shot through my unsettled stomach as I curled up on my bed and waited. Finally, tires squealed outside and I peered out my window just in time to see Jack come to a screeching halt in one of the parking spots. He appeared to be shouting at poor Dean in the passenger seat before he bolted out of the car and sprinted out of sight.
Within seconds, his knuckles knocked wildly against the front door. “Cassie!” He banged relentlessly as he yelled through the door. “Cassie! Please, Cassie, open up. It’s not what you think.” So much for Dean not saying anything.
My stomach rolled when the door finally creaked open and I heard him ask, “Melissa, where is she?”
“Kitten? I’m coming in,” he announced from behind my closed bedroom door. When he walked in, my heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. His hair was wild and wind-whipped from the quick drive over from the stadium and he was still in his dress clothes from the airport, although his tie was loosened and barely hanging on.
He ran to the side of my bed, dropped to his knees, and reached out for me. I pulled back before he could touch me, my eyes focused on his as he spoke. “Kitten, it’s not what you think. That girl wasn’t in my room for me.”
I refused to move, unwilling to be deceived. “Did you hear me? She wasn’t there for me. I roomed with Brett and he met her our first night. He invited her up to our room, but she wasn’t there for me. I just answered the door.”
“Where’d the picture come from then?” I wondered, the question suddenly dawning on me.
“She came upstairs with a bunch of other girls, but I wouldn’t let them in. One of them must have taken it.”
“Really?” I asked, my voice filled with more hope than I’d anticipated.
“I swear it.” He reached out again for my hands and I allowed his fingers to intertwine with mine. He brought my hand to his lips and he kissed it all over.
“So you weren’t with her?” I asked once more, even though I already believed him.
“No. I don’t even like brunettes anymore. I’m into this one particular shade of blonde.” He gave me a tentative, lopsided smile, and ran his fingers through my hair. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I practically jumped out of my bed and into his waiting arms. He pressed me tightly against his chest before he tipped my head back and covered my mouth with his. “I missed you,” he said between kisses. His tongue parted my lips as I melted into him, the self-imposed stress from the weekend falling from my shoulders.
He pulled away before I was ready and asked, “So, tell me exactly what happened.”
I collapsed onto my bed, pulling him with me. “Some random chick came up to me on Friday and showed me two pictures of you with this girl going into your hotel room. I pretty much lost it after that.”
“And you just assumed the girl was with me?” He looked down, picking restlessly at my bedspread, his voice tinged with sadness.
“You two were the only ones in the photos, so yeah, pretty much.” I shuddered, recalling the pictures in my mind.
“That’s not fair, Kitten,” he remarked, his eyebrows pinched together.
“I know it’s not.” I looked away from him, embarrassed at my ability to write him off so quickly.
“You have to remember that I’ve been playing ball here for three years now. I have friends in all the places we travel. And sometimes they come up to my room to hang out. I always share a room with at least one other guy. You can’t assume that I’m doing something wrong all the time.”
“But what was I supposed to think?” I couldn’t help but defend my initial reaction and thoughts. “I saw a girl walking into a room that you were holding the door open for. Then I saw you closing the door behind her, with the world’s biggest smile on your face.”
“Fuck, Cassie, how about asking me?” His tone changed, anger quickly replacing sadness. “Is that why you never called me? Because you thought I cheated on you the second I left town?” He lowered his voice, the angry tone still present. “We had sex.”
“I’m not the first girl you’ve had sex with, Jack.”
“No. But you are the first girl I’ve ever loved.”
“I just couldn’t have that conversation with you over the phone,” I admitted, guilt careening through my body.
“So instead you had no conversation with me at all?” He eased off the bed and walked across the floor. “Do you know how crazy that made me? I’m trying to concentrate on my fucking fucking ball baseball game and all I can think about is why the hell the girl I’m in love with is ignoring me. I knew something was wrong when you never called. I tried to shake it off, but I couldn’t. You can’t do that to me. Don’t you understand? You can’t fucking do that to me when I’m trying to play ball!”
“I’m sorry, Jack. I didn’t think…”
“This is bullshit, Cassie!” he shouted, his jaw tense. “I haven’t done anything to make you not trust me.” His eyes widened as the realization set in. “But that’s it, isn’t it?” He nodded his head in understanding, then turned his hurt gaze to me. “You don’t…trust me.”
I avoided his eyes, the truth in his words resonating deep within me. “Look at me!” His voice rose along with his anger.
I did as he demanded, grateful for the tears blurring my view of him. “What do you want from me, Jack?” My voice cracked with emotion.
“I want you to give me a fair shot, but apparently that’s too much to ask.” He turned his back to me and threw open my bedroom door. I heard the front door slam shut as I sat stunned in my bed.
“What just happened?” Melissa poked her head through my doorway.
“I think I just royally fucked things up.” I exhaled and wiped a tear from my eye. “Hand me my phone, please?” I practically begged, pointing to its location on the bathroom counter.
Melissa snagged my phone and tossed it to me. “You wanna talk about it?”
“In a minute. Thanks.” I tried to smile but couldn’t. Melissa nodded in understanding and closed my door behind her to give me some privacy.
I scrolled through my contacts searching for Jack’s name and pressed Send. I listened as it rang twice before going straight to voice mail. He was ignoring me. I swallowed my pride and waited patiently for the beep that acknowledged his voice mail recording, but hung up instead. I had no idea what I wanted to say to him that wouldn’t sound pathetic or stupid.
How had things twisted into tangled-up knots so easily? I walked into Melissa’s room and found her reading a book on her bed. I cuddled up next to her and worked through the emotions churning inside of me.
“You were right about Jack,” I started.
She dropped the book to her side and turned to me. “About what?”
“He said the girl wasn’t there for him.”
“Who was she there for then?”
“Jack roomed with Brett and apparently Brett met her and invited her up.” I let out a long sigh.
“Do you believe him?” She leaned her curly brown head against mine.
“I do.”
“So then why’d he leave?”
“He got pissed that I didn’t trust him.” I shook my head at the absurdity of the situation. “I feel like a crazy person right now. I mean, one second I’m overwhelmed with relief that the girl wasn’t there for him. I’m looking at Jack, realizing how much I care about him. And in the next, I’m feeling horrible and guilty for not trusting him. Now he’s gone and I’m scared to death that I just screwed it all up.”
I forced my eyes closed as I inhaled through my nose. “What if I lose him?” My face twisted in pain.
“You won’t.” Melissa’s voice was stern with certainty.
“How can you be so sure?” I asked, unable to hide the fear in my voice.
“Because Jack’s just as stubborn as you are! He’s not going to quit on you that easily. But he is right, you know. You don’t trust him. And that’s not fair.” She stroked my hair as she spoke.
I breathed in deeply again. “I know, but it’s hard. I mean, I saw those pictures and was so embarrassed. I felt like such an idiot. Like those girls knew something I didn’t about my own relationship.”
“Trust me, I know how you felt. But you never once questioned that maybe he didn’t do it, right?”
“Not really,” I confessed.
“I’d be pissed off too.”
The sound of the front door swinging open stopped our conversation. Footsteps beat against the floor toward my bedroom before stopping. “Cassie!” Jack’s voice echoed throughout the apartment.
“I’m in Melissa’s room,” I nervously squeaked out.
Jack appeared and leaned against the doorway, his dressy attire now replaced with black shorts and a tight-fitting baseball t-shirt. He buried his hands in his pockets before demanding, “Get up. I want to talk to you.”
Fear shot through me as I struggled to move from Melissa’s bed. She helped push me to my feet and I eyed her nervously.
“It’ll be fine. Go. Apologize,” she whispered before giving my backside a light shove.
I stumbled over my flimsy flip-flops before regaining my balance, my eyes searching Jack’s for any sign of happiness, but failing. I followed his lead into my bedroom where he slammed the door shut behind me.
“Sit.” He pointed at my bed and I did as he requested.
He didn’t join me. Instead, he stood in front of me, eyeing me before speaking. “Let me finish before you say anything. Okay?”
I couldn’t seem to find my voice, so I simply nodded.
“I want to be really pissed off at you right now. No, forget that, I am really pissed off at you.” He stopped talking, took a deep breath, and ran his tanned fingers through loose strands of his black hair. “Listen, I know we’re both fucked up. We both have trust issues and this thing happening between us is scary as hell.” He wagged his finger, his eyes avoiding mine.
“But when I told you I loved you, I meant it. I didn’t mean that I’d love you only if it was easy, or only if it was drama-free. I think we both know life isn’t like that.” I watched his face twisting with emotion as my eyes began to fill with tears.
“I know it’s not easy to be with me. Dating me means that you have to deal with some pretty crazy shit that other people don’t and I’m sorry for that. All the things you’re just now being exposed to, I’ve had years to deal with. I’m used to it…the crazy pictures, the girls, the fan pages, the blogs, the reporters, the scouts, all the social media stuff.”
He shrugged his shoulders as his eyes met mine. “And I know that the past version of me is someone you would never trust. But who I am when I’m with you” he paused, “isn’t who I used to be. I don’t think I’ve been that guy since the night of our first date, so it’s not fair that you judge me like I’m still him.”
He settled his body next to mine on the edge of the bed. “If we’re going to do this, then you have to trust me. And you can’t shut me out or ignore me when things get uncomfortable.”
It felt like hours of silence passed before I asked, “Can I talk now?”
He laughed. “Yeah.”
“I’m really sorry, Jack. I know you haven’t done anything to deserve my mistrust, but it’s just that I saw those pictures and I felt so stupid. I’d just told you not to make me look dumb or embarrass me, and I felt like that’s exactly what you did. I went into self-preservation mode where nothing else mattered but me.” I tried to explain my craziness in a way I hoped he’d understand. That basically, he was dating someone with serious trust issues.
His arm swept around my back and pulled me toward him. I allowed a few teardrops to fall before wiping them away. “You make me fucking crazy, but I love you.” He pressed his warm lips against my temple.
“So you’re not breaking up with me?” I asked with a pout.
“You’re not that lucky.”
