We stand inside the dorm room, the last of my boxes placed on the wooden floor.
“It brings back memories,” Mom confesses, her eyes wandering around the room fondly. “I stayed in this very room.”
“Are you sure? They all look similar.”
“There are some things you never forget,” she tells me with a smile, then points to the room on the left. “By the way, that’s the room where I caught your Aunt Nikki and Uncle Rocky, naked, my first day here.”
I screw up my mouth, folding my arms as if it will shield me from the unwanted memory.
“Thank God I chose the other one. Though I’m sure you have stories you could tell. College years, aren’t they supposed to be the best years of your life?”
Mom takes a seat on the small tan sofa. “Everyone is different. For me, I was learning how to overcome trauma. I used studying as a coping mechanism, so dating and parties were the least of my priorities.”
I sit beside her, leaning my head on her shoulder, something I’ll miss dearly.
“You never did explain what happened back then, aside from you and Dad spending time apart.”
Mom releases a sigh, and perhaps I have pushed her too much, though I often find myself curious about what really happened.
“We were young. Well, I was young. Your dad and I started something when I was in my senior year, and he was married, just out of college. It didn’t end well, and it really broke me.”
“Of course, you loved him, right?”
Mom’s lips curve upward, an endearing smile gracing her entire face whenever she’s asked about her love for her husband. I often wonder if I give the same expression when I speak about Austin.
“I’ve always loved your father, but I was young and foolish with my desires and intentions. What we had, or shall I say did, wasn’t sustainable. We parted ways, and years later, I guess fate chose to bring us back together.”
Fate is something I’ve read about in romance novels, yet I’m not convinced there’s such a thing. If fate is real, why didn’t Austin and I end up in closer schools? What purpose is it to have us hours apart?
“I love Austin,” I admit with a lowered voice. “But I know this will be hard.”
“Love isn’t easy, Amelia. And the stronger and deeper the love, the harder it will test you. How else will you know if that person is worth fighting for unless you put it to the test?”
“Is that what happened with you and Dad?”
“Gosh, kid, your dad and I have been tested in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine.”
“Mom…” I whisper, twisting my hands nervously. “I slept with Austin.”
My mom sits silently beside me, only her shallow breaths heard between us. We’ve always been close, and Mom never makes me feel uneasy to the point that I can’t be honest or ask questions whenever I’m unsure.
“I knew it would happen, it was inevitable, and Austin is a good boy.”
“Are you upset with me?”
“Oh, honey.” She places her arm around me, allowing me to rest my face on her chest. “Nothing you do will upset me. I love you unconditionally. You’re an adult now, and having sex is part of being an adult. Just be safe, that’s all I’ll say. I love you, but I’m not exactly ready to be a grandmother.” She chuckles softly.
“I went on the pill a few months ago,” I admit, slightly apprehensive. “I just want to be a lawyer like you. I’m not here to party or sleep with random men. This is the time to focus on studying.”
“Don’t forget to have a little fun. It’s all part of a rounded college experience.”
A noise startles us at the door. We both turn our heads and see a girl with tight auburn curls thrown to the side of her face as she drags in two large pink suitcases.
“Oh, hey.” She smiles, her mouth widening with two evident dimples gracing her face. “You must be my roommate. I’m Liesel.”
I stand up to greet her. “I’m Amelia, and this is my mom, Charlie.”
“Nice to meet you both,” she says, out of breath.
“Do you need help?”
“I’m good, I think. I found some cute boys at the entrance, and they offered to bring the rest of my stuff in.”
As Liesel finishes off her sentence, three guys drag boxes, a trunk, another two suitcases, and a surfboard. I turn to look at Mom for answers, but she shrugs her shoulders in confusion just like me.
“Thanks, guys, I’ll catch you later tonight.”
Liesel closes the door, sitting down on the trunk, letting out a long-winded breath. We wait quietly for her to catch her bearings until she raises her hand to her chest. “I’m sorry, I know I have a lot of stuff.”
“It’s fine, but um… why the surfboard?”
“How much time do you have? Let’s just say that I left a boyfriend behind. He’s from Australia, and well, this,” she points to the surfboard, “… belonged to him.”
“Okay, makes sense.” I nod. “But wouldn’t it have been easier to leave it at home?”
“My parents are moving to Hong Kong. So, it was either dump it or take it. I didn’t have the heart to dump it just yet. What if Flynn is the love of my life? Maybe we’ll get back together, and I’ll regret my decision to discard what was supposed to be a romantic gift? I could mess with the universe.”
That was a lot to take in, and beside me, I could see Mom is trying to keep a straight face.
“Well, listen, girls, I probably should let you both get settled.”
My eyes fall upon my hands with an empty stare, a heavy weight on my chest soon following. This moment was bound to happen. I have to say goodbye at some point.
Liesel excuses herself to her room, leaving Mom and me to say goodbye.
“I… I um…” I stammer, unable to clear my throat. “I’ll miss you, Mom.”
Grabbing both my hands, Mom squeezes them tight, her vision clouded. This is one of those moments you watch in movies but never realize the depth of emotions that play a part in such a goodbye. Leaving my sisters and even my dad has been hard. Closing the door to my bedroom, the same room which holds so many memories, is extremely difficult. Yet, above all, saying goodbye to a woman who brought me into this world and made sacrifice after sacrifice to give me the best life possible is by far the hardest of all goodbyes.
“I’m only a phone call away, okay? It doesn’t matter what time, whenever you need me, I’m there for you.”
I nod my head, finally blinking and letting my tears fall freely. I throw my arms around her, squeezing her tight just like I did when I was a little girl, begging our embrace to numb the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“I’ll be okay, Mom.”
“Of course, you will be,” she assures me with a smile, quick to hide her sniffle. “You have the Edwards’ blood in you. Strong, born a warrior.”
We hug one more time before Mom says her final goodbye, leaving the room. I take in a deep breath, the feeling of being homesick a hard slap in the face. In a matter of moments, loneliness consumes me. It’s unrelenting in its pursuit, feeding off my weakened emotions and questioning my need to study so far away from home.
The walls surrounding me are bare, this room holding no memories for me to fondly reminisce in my time of need.
Just as I’m about to run outside to find Mom and tell her I can’t do this, Liesel comes out of her room with a sympathetic smile.
“You know what will make you feel better? If you come to a party with me tonight.”
I chuckle softly, the distraction somewhat welcoming. “A party already? I’m not sure, I should probably unpack. Classes start in a few days, and I want to make sure I’m organized.”
“There’s plenty of time for that. C’mon, it’ll be fun plus a good chance to meet some new people.”
I pull my slumped shoulders back, improving my posture while releasing a breath. I’m an adult now. Leaving my family was bound to happen. If I am to make this work, I need to make the right decisions, not ones leading to my comfort zone.
A college party isn’t such a bad idea and definitely is the distraction I need from my misery.
I nod in agreement.
“Yay! Okay, I need to find exactly where I packed my makeup. Be dressed in an hour.”
With not too much time to spare, I head to my room and close the door behind me. I figure it will be a chilled party, opting to wear my jeans and a tank tonight. Throwing myself on my bed, I grab my phone and video call Austin.
“Hey, you.” His handsome grin graces the screen. Behind him, a stack of boxes just like mine is beside his bed. “I’m guessing your Mom finally left?”
“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it. Can’t you see my panda eyes?”
He chuckles softly. “You’re still beautiful. So, did you meet your roommate?”
“I did. She’s nice and really friendly. She invited me to a party tonight.”
“A party?”
“Yeah, not sure where. I said yes only because she begged.”
Austin lowers his gaze, his expression changing almost instantly. If I didn’t know better, he’s not pleased that I’m going out.
“Is something wrong?”
“It’s nothing.” He clears his throat, still avoiding my eyes. “Listen, I should go. I’ve got a lot to unpack.”
“I love you, Austin,” I say, missing him so much. “Please don’t forget that.”
Slowly, his gaze lifts to meet mine, and his face softens. “I love you, too, Millie. Call me when you get back, okay?”
“Promise.” I smile before I hang up the call.
Alone, inside my dorm room, I fall back onto my bed and stare at the ceiling. It all seems too hard—moving across the country and saying goodbye to my family and the boy I love. I’m fighting hard for exactly this—Yale. But for what? What if I don’t enjoy studying or change my mind about being a lawyer? I’m waiting for a sign to tell me I am on the right path, and this is exactly where I’m meant to be—that Austin and I will endure the distance and find a way to stay together.
But something warns me otherwise, a voice telling me this is all just the beginning. Just like my mom so wisely said, the stronger the love, the harder the fight.
And what terrifies me the most is that the true test is yet to come.
Heartache is just around the corner.
