By Friday, I’m growing restless.
I haven’t had a Xanax in four days, and my anxiety is getting so bad that I have scratch marks running up and down my arms. I’m shaking from morning to night, so hungry for a pill that it’s all I can think about. I’ve barely talked to my friends, and the last few nights I’ve avoided spending time with Penelope so she doesn’t have to deal with me like this.
I’m weak. Pathetic. So fucking depressed, I’ve considered driving my Maserati into the hard concrete of a building a few times.
I get through my first class period without any problems, but once I’m sitting in second period Calculus, my mind is racing. Numbers start to blur together, and I can’t get a grip on how to process any of the work laid out in front of me. My brain just won’t catch up. I can’t figure out what my own name is, and it’s making pure panic curl around my lungs and choke me.
Excusing myself to the bathroom, I stumble out into the hall. As soon as I’m out of sight, I fall against the wall and gasp for air, trying desperately to get some into my burning lungs.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I can’t fucking breathe.
I need a release. I need a fix. I need something.
I stumble all the way to the bathroom and lock myself in a stall, collapsing against the barrier that separates them. Banging my fists, I yell out in frustration.
Sliding my hands into the front pockets of my jeans, I dig around for nothing at all. I hope and pray I find a loose pill I’ve forgotten about, but end up with only my phone, wallet and keys.
“Goddamnit.” My eyes fill with moisture, and my back slides down against the metal until my ass hits the dirty floor. Banging my fists into the floor, tears stream down my face. “Goddamnit, goddamnit, goddamnit!”
I grab my phone and type out a text to Logan.
ME:
I need you to meet me in the bathroom.
She writes back immediately, like she’s playing on her phone in class or something.
LO:
Which one?
I heave a sigh of relief that she doesn’t ask for any more information and direct her to the right bathroom. I lean my head back against the cold wall while I wait for her, and a minute later, her voice rings out in the quiet bathroom.
“Hayden?”
“In here,” I croak, flipping the lock on the door.
She pushes into the stall, closing and locking the door behind her, before she crouches down in front of me and places her hands on my face, wiping my tears. “What’s wrong?”
I chew my lip painfully. “I don’t fucking know, Lo.”
She stares at me for a minute, and I focus on the golden hue of her eyes, letting the safety of her presence calm me down a little, then she holds out a hand for me. “C’mon.”
“What?” I ask, looking up at her hand.
“We’re getting out of here. You have your keys?”
I nod, pointing to where I deposited them onto the floor next to me. “I left my backpack in Calc, though.”
“Who cares?” She shrugs, brushing her dark hair over her shoulder before she bends down and picks up my stuff. “We’ll be back before the end of the day. It’ll still be there.”
I laugh softly, slipping my hand in hers so she can help me to my feet. “We need to stop and grab some cigarettes, then.”
After we stop at a gas station, Logan drives us out to Carson’s secret beach spot in my Maserati, and we find a secluded area on the sand to sit down.
We stare out at the ocean for a few minutes, listening to the waves crash against the shore and smoke cigarettes, then Logan turns to me and sighs. “Do you wanna talk now?”
I find her gaze through the brightness, then take a breath. “I think I’m in withdrawal.”
“From what?” she asks, her brows furrowing slightly.
“Xans,” I admit, pulling my knees up so I can rest my cheek on them as I look at her. “Oxy, coke, probably some other shit too.”
She sighs, flicking her cigarette out onto the sand, and there’s no judgement in her tone when she speaks again. “Jesus, Hayden… How?”
I shake my head. “I just wanted to feel okay. I wanted to feel fucking better. But now I had to stop taking them all, and I can’t fucking breathe, Lo. I can’t fucking handle it.”
She slides her fingers over the top of mine. “Why’d you have to stop?”
I chew my lip, thinking of what to say, but my mind is too busy, moving too quickly to think of a lie, so I just spit the truth at her. “Penelope wanted me to.”
“Who’s Penelope?” she questions, quirking a brow at me.
“My girlfriend.” I sigh, turning my head so my forehead is flat on my knee, and I don’t have to look at her face when she realizes I’ve been hiding an entire part of my life from her.
“Your girlfriend?!” she spits, eyes widening. “Since when do you have a girlfriend?!”
I turn an inch, looking at her from the corner of my eye. “A few months, I don’t know.”
She slaps me on the back of the head. “Hayden James Monroe, why didn’t you tell me? Carson? Does Levi know? Who is she? Where did you meet her?”
“Calm yourself,” I say, chuckling. “It’s complicated, okay?”
She looks out at the water, hanging her arms over the tops of her knees as she digs her toes into the warm sand. “I feel like we don’t even know you anymore, Hayden. I guess it makes sense now why you haven’t been around as much lately.”
Scooting closer to her, I wrap a hand around hers. “I’m sorry, Lo. I really am. I want you to know everything, but it’s so fucking complicated, I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start anywhere. Tell me anything. I’m supposed to be your best friend.”
I breathe deep, going over the words in my head for a moment before I start talking. “It’s Miss Leyton.”
Her head snaps to the side so she can look at me. “I’m sorry?”
I nod. “I met her before school started.”
She barks a single laugh. “Wait, you aren’t kidding?”
I shake my head, my lips twisting up at the sides.
“Oh, Jesus.” She laughs, her head falling down as her shoulders shake. When she calms herself down, she sits up straight again and tucks her hair behind her ears. “So you didn’t know she worked at LHS when you met?”
“I mean…” I cringe. “Technically, no. I found out after the first time we hooked up.”
“And then what, you guys decided this whole thing was cool or something?”
“Since we’re being honest with each other,” I say. “I pretended I wasn’t in high school for the first couple weeks. She found out on the first day of school.”
Logan snorts. “You’re a dick.”
I shrug. “I couldn’t help it. Love does crazy things to you.”
“Love?!” She gapes. “Wait, hold on. Hayden Monroe – my manwhore, doom-and-gloom, dick of a best friend is in love?!”
“Shut up,” I grumble.
“I called it!” she shouts, laughing. “I knew you had a heart in there!”
I smack her arm, and she laughs harder, bumping her shoulder with mine playfully. “You can’t tell anyone, Lo. I mean it. Not even Carson.”
“I won’t,” she says, humming between her lips. “But I think you should tell him. Levi too. They’d be happy for you.”
“Not yet.”
She nods, and we fall back into a comfortable silence as we stare out at the ocean. I let my mind get taken away with the water. All the things that were destroying me back at school feel small now, like I just needed to say my secret out loud to someone, like telling Logan finally set something free inside of me.
After another twenty minutes, we climb back into my Maserati to go back to make it in time for lunch. While I drive, Logan digs around in my center console. When she pulls out a little baggie filled with Xanax I had forgotten about, my stomach burns.
“Since you’re going straight edge.” She waves the baggie in between us. “Can I have these?”
I snatch them from her hand, pour three onto my palm, and swallow them down before she can stop me.
“Hayden!” she yells. “What the fuck?”
I cough. “That’s like inviting an alcoholic to a bar, Lo. You can’t show me a bag of Xans and expect me not to take them.”
She snorts. “Miss Leyton is going to spank you with her ruler.”
“I hope so.” I grin, looking at her from the corner of my eye as I peel into the school parking lot.
I missed Government, so while I’m waiting in the lunch line to get some food, my phone goes off in my pocket.
P:
Did you leave? You weren’t in class.
I type out a response.
ME:
skipped with Lo, I’ll come see you before lunch ends
I order a slice of pizza, pay the lunch lady, and make my way to our table. Carson, Levi, and Logan are all already sitting down, stuffing their faces, and they greet me by moaning around their food.
“Good afternoon, children,” I say, grinning from ear to ear as I drop my plate of pizza down on the table. “How’s it going?”
My head is floating above the clouds; if I turned to look up for it, I’d probably fall over. The thought makes me chuckle out loud, and Logan laughs at me, knowing that I’m high.
“Someone’s in a good mood,” Levi says, taking a bite of his cheeseburger. “Que pasa, papi?”
I take a bite of my food and ignore his question because my brain can’t think of a response.
“You guys coming to the game tonight?” Carson asks, changing the subject.
“Yup,” Levi says, and Logan nods.
“Going to New York,” I say, swallowing another big mouthful of my food. I don’t know where the words come from, because up until this moment, I didn’t have any plans to go to New York this weekend, but it sounds like a good idea.
“Since when?” Logan asks, lifting an eyebrow.
I shrug. “I dunno, figured I’d go visit Travis.”
She narrows her eyes at me, and I shrug again.
I finish my pizza in the next minute, brush my hands on my jeans, and then stand up, grabbing my trash. “Gonna go for a smoke.”
“Want me to come?” Levi asks, still devouring his lunch.
“Nah.” I wave him off, walking away and dumping my trash in the can just inside the lunchroom doors before I go out into the hallway. I shake my shoulders, trying to even myself out so Penelope can’t tell I’m faded, then walk down to her classroom.
Looking through the window, I find her sitting at her desk, scrolling her phone as she mindlessly eats the salad sitting before her. I don’t spot Mrs. Justice, so I open the door and step in, closing it behind me.
“Hey,” she says, smiling at me.
“How’s my girl doing?” I ask, walking across the room to lean against the side of her desk so I can look at her.
“Fine. Where’d you go last period?” She narrows her eyes.
“Lo and I went out to the beach, just needed to get some fresh air. This place is suffocating me… which brings me to my next question.” I say, running a hand through my hair.
“Which is?” she asks, putting her fork down and crossing her legs as she turns her chair to face me.
“Let’s go to New York this weekend.”
“That wasn’t a question.” She laughs.
I wave her off, rolling my eyes. “So, yes? New York?”
“For what?” she asks, biting her bottom lip.
I slide closer to her, cupping her face with my hand. “To get away. To be together, without worrying if someone is going to fucking walk up and see us. We can just be us.”
She smiles, still biting onto her lip. “Just us.”
I nod, leaning down to kiss her nose quickly. “We can roll around in bed, go out for fancy dinners, you can come with me to get a tattoo at my cousin’s shop – it’ll be fun.”
“Your cousin? You think that’s the best idea?”
I shrug. “He’s cool, baby. I want you to meet him and his girl.”
Penelope smiles from ear to ear, then stands up and places herself in front of me. “Let’s go to New York, then.”
“Perfect,” I grab her waist. “I’ll let Travis and Olivia know we’re coming.”
I manage to snag two tickets on a flight to New York, so by 9 p.m., Penelope and I are walking through the Upper East Side hand in hand.
It’s freeing, being out in public, holding her hand in front of people, kissing her whenever I want without the risk of anyone we know seeing us.
I booked us into a suite at the Four Seasons, and plan to devour every inch of her. Even if this trip was spur-of-the-moment, I want to make it as special as possible for us – we deserve it. No drama, no fighting, no sneaking around… Just us.
I lean over and kiss her on the cheek, pulling her hand to my chest and holding it there, savoring the warmth of her skin through my shirt. “I like this.”
She looks at me. “Like what?”
“This.” I hold my arm out to my side as we keep walking. “Being here, being here with you. We’re like a real couple for the first time.”
She nods, her face flushing as she smiles. “Yeah, it’s really nice not worrying about running into someone who might know us.”
I stare at her for a moment, letting our hands drop back between us. She’s beautiful – a fucking work of art – I feel like at any moment I may blink, and this will all have been made up, like someone who is so fucking perfect can’t possibly exist in real life, especially my life.
“I want this forever,” I say, and she looks over at me again, her face twitching. “I want you forever.”
She stops walking, so I do too, and she wraps her arms around the back of my neck and lifts on to the tips of her toes to kiss me. Smoothing my hands up her neck and into her hair, I kiss her back, sliding my tongue against hers. When we break apart, she’s smiling and I’m breathless, the pit of my stomach swirling with nerves and anxiety and happiness.
“I want you forever too, H,” she whispers, peering up into my eyes. “This. Just you and me, happy, together.”
I nod, then I kiss her again, desperate to show her how much I love her behind the feel of my lips.
