GAVIN:
Pick you up in 10. We’re having dinner with a potential client. Promise I’ll make it up to you, babe.
I toss my phone onto the couch, sighing. Of course Gavin would take our date night and make it about business – right when I’ve been shaken up by the ghost of Hayden Monroe and need validation that being engaged to him is what I want.
As I spin the ring on my finger with my thumb, a lump forms in my gut.
It didn’t feel right when I woke up, so I went all day without wearing it – it was like a weight around my finger, pulling me under. I always thought there would only be one person I would be engaged to – and it wasn’t Gavin.
When the ring starts feeling heavier and heavier the more I turn it, I grab my phone and stand up. Going to my closet, I change into a black dress that clings to my curves and slip my feet into some heels. My hair and makeup are already done, and by the time I’m swapping my stuff from my work purse to a cute little clutch, Gavin is ringing the doorbell of my apartment.
I swallow the bile rising in my throat, regretting not canceling these plans so I could stay home and binge Netflix with my face in a tub of popcorn, then I go to the door and pull it open.
Gavin is in a light grey suit that hugs his muscles, and my stomach burns with anxiety.
“Hey, lovely.” He leans in for a kiss, and I turn my head to the side so he kisses my cheek.
He laughs as he pulls away. “Are you mad I hijacked our date night with a business dinner? I’m sorry, babe. This is a huge client, one of the richest families in the south-east. Getting in with him would pay for the entire wedding in one shot.”
I shake my head. “It’s fine, Gavin. Let’s go.”
I walk out the front door and close it behind me, and he slips his fingers through mine to hold my hand as we walk to the car. It feels foreign and wrong.
I need to pull it the fuck together. I can’t let seeing Hayden shake me up this bad. After everything I’ve been through, I deserve to live in the happy little bubble I’ve created for myself here. He doesn’t get to just show up and ruin everything again. I won’t let him.
Gavin opens the car door for me, and I slide into the passenger’s seat with a warm smile on my face. He does that every time we get in the car together, and it’s always made me swoon like a girl from the fifties – there’s something so simple and gentlemanly about a man opening the door for you that I love. I never used to pay attention to that stuff, probably because I’ve never dated a nice guy before, but it was the little things like that that made me say yes to Gavin.
He gets in the driver’s side and starts the engine, buckling his seatbelt before he pulls away from the curb.
We make our way downtown and park outside the restaurant in no time, and Gavin comes around to open my door after he’s turned the engine off. Gentleman.
He holds out a hand for me, and I slip my own into it, stepping out onto the sidewalk. Gavin leads us into the restaurant, and we go to the hostess stand to check in, but before he can speak to the girl behind the counter, he’s pointing across the room.
“Ah, here’s the guy we’re meeting.”
My eyes travel the room, landing right on where Hayden Monroe is seated at a table for three, a small smirk pulling up his lips.
“No,” I say, taking a step back and dropping Gavin’s hand. “Nope. No fucking way.”
He turns to me, concern pulling his brows. “What is it?”
I’m too focused on watching Hayden to answer, who’s now standing up and walking toward us. My face burns with anger, and I want to scream.
“I should have mentioned,” Hayden says, making Gavin turn around to face him as he reaches us. “That I know your fiancée.”
“What?” Gavin asks, looking between both Hayden and me. “How?”
“Oh, we go way back,” Hayden says before he holds out an arm toward the table. “Shall we?”
“No, we shall fucking not,” I spit, and Gavin’s eyes go wide.
“Penelope!” he admonishes, like I give a fuck if someone overhears.
I suck my teeth, a humorless smile twisting my lips as I stare at Hayden’s stupid, beautiful face. “I’m not having dinner with you. What are you even still doing here? Go back to California, Hayden.”
“Penelope,” Gavin whisper-shouts between his teeth, stepping closer to me. “You’re acting like a child. What the hell is going on?”
“I was surprised when I introduced myself to Gavin earlier that he didn’t already know who I was. Guess you haven’t mentioned the guy who’s tattooed on your ribs, huh, P?” Hayden grins.
“What?” Gavin says, completely perplexed. “You told me that was for your father.”
Waves of heat rush over me, and I look at Gavin. “Can we go? I’ve had enough.”
“Her father’s name was Stephen, so how could that be for him?” Hayden asks curiously, and I shoot him a look that I hope kills him.
“Enough,” I grit between my teeth. “I’m leaving.”
Rushing from the restaurant, I burst through the front doors and lean against the building, trying to catch my breath. It feels like I can’t breathe, like I can’t get enough oxygen into my lungs to satisfy my head, so I start to go dizzy.
“Penelope.” Gavin comes outside and stands next to me. “What is going on?”
I shake my head. “You never asked my father’s name, and I never offered it, so it’s not like I lied about anything.”
His brows pull down. “Except the meaning behind your tattoo.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, brushing the hair from my forehead.
“So, why? Did you think I wouldn’t love you if I found out about an ex or something? I’m not really understanding.”
I sigh again, trying to gather my thoughts. “I like that we don’t share things with each other. I like that we have our own lives, Gavin. The details of my past aren’t important.”
“If we’re going to get married, you would have had to tell me eventually, right? Or is this the way it’s going to be forever? Secrets and separate homes?” he asks, putting a hand against the building.
“I don’t know – I guess I thought it could be that way.” I look up at him, watching as his face turns from confused to hurt.
“But why would you want it to be… if we love each other?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“I’ve never seen you like this…” he trails off, looking out onto the street for a minute before he looks back at me. “Do you love me? Because from where I’m standing right now, it seems like you don’t.” He points toward the inside of the restaurant, where I assume Hayden has returned to his table. “Do you love him?”
I start to go dizzy, so I put my hand on my temple and close my eyes. “Gavin, please don’t.”
“One word from him and you’re showing more emotion than I’ve seen in the last two years,” Gavin continues, his tone growing pleading. “What am I supposed to think?”
My eyes fill with tears, so I keep them pressed closed.
When I don’t answer him, Gavin sighs loudly and leans against the wall with me. “Do you love me, Penelope?”
I bite my lip painfully, hoping it splits because maybe I deserve a little bit of blood after putting him in a position where he’s contemplating everything. Keeping my eyes shut, I breathe through my nose, afraid that if I look at him, he’ll be able to tell that I have absolutely no idea how to answer his question.
Another moment passes before Gavin speaks again. “Do you love him?”
I swallow the lump in my throat, sniffling as tears finally spill over and slide down my cheeks. When I still don’t answer, Gavin sighs again.
“Figure it out.” I open my eyes in time to watch him walk away, get into his car, and drive off. Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I clear my throat and shake out my shoulders before I pull up the Uber app on my phone.
“P.” Hayden’s voice whips my head up, and I narrow my eyes at him.
“You stupid fuck,” I growl. “Have you not taken enough? You need to ruin this for me as well? Do you get off on ruining my fucking life!?”
He gives me a sad smile. “I’m not ruining anything. I’m trying to give you more.”
I shake my head, wanting to spit at him as raging frustration passes through me in violent waves. “Contrary to popular belief, Hayden, you are not God’s gift to the world. Have you ever thought that maybe I don’t fucking want what you’re offering me?!”
“God, you know I always loved when you got mean.” He licks his lips, stepping toward me as he drops his voice to a whisper. “Don’t test my strength, Penelope.”
I exhale heavily through my nose, pressing my eyes shut in exasperation. “You’re fucking crazy.”
“Maybe,” he says, taking another step closer, his eyes flaring. “But you’re the one standing here with me instead of running after your fiancé, so maybe you’re crazy too.”
I look over at him, and he moves closer. “Fuck you.”
He grins, getting close enough to put his pelvis against my hip as his face falls into my hair. His voice is throaty and laced with desire when he breathes into my ear. “Does he fuck you as good as I do?”
“Better,” I spit, taunting him, even as my heart pounds under my ribs and my clit pulses with need from how close he is.
Hayden laughs. “I could always tell when you were lying, P.” He kisses my hair, then pulls away, stepping back. “Let’s go somewhere.”
I shake my head, feeling hot. “No.”
“Yes,” he growls, tipping his head to the side. “I’m staying in a hotel a few blocks from here. We can walk.”
“I’m not going to fuck you.” I narrow my eyes. “No matter how much you play with me, you can’t get to me that way anymore.”
“I am not a kid anymore, P.” He looks at me, our gazes clashing as he adds, “I don’t need to play with my food before I eat it.”
My breath hitches, and he smirks at me, holding a tattooed hand out for me. “Come with me, I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.”
Part of me wants to go with him, sit down and hash this all out so I don’t have to live with constant resentment anymore, but the other part – the smarter part – knows what happens when we get together. Fucking and fighting. That’s all we were ever good at.
“No,” I sigh. “Not today, Hayden. Maybe not ever. Just give me some time.”
I walk away from him before I have a chance to change my mind, knowing how weak I am deep down for this man. I don’t trust myself around him.
When I’m around the corner and under the shadow of a building, I pull out my phone and order an Uber. More than anything, I just want to get some peace of mind – to figure this out with Gavin so nothing else is hanging over my head like a goddamn swinging axe.
It’s ten minutes before the car pulls up to the curb, and another ten minutes before it’s dropping me off outside Gavin’s house. Swallowing the lump in my throat and wiping the smeared mascara from under my eyes, I shake out my shoulders and tell myself to grow up. I’m almost thirty; I don’t have time for these games anymore. I can’t sit here and play love triangle with two men who don’t deserve it.
Even though I would usually just let myself in, when I get to the front door, I press the doorbell and wait for Gavin to open it for me. It feels like it would be an invasion of his decision to walk away from me if I just burst into his space. I need him to be ready to talk as well.
I wait a minute, then the door opens. Blowing out a sigh of relief, I try my best to give Gavin a smile, even though his face is bathed in discomfort.
“Can we talk?” I ask, and he nods silently before he steps to the side and holds the door open for me.
My stomach is filled with nerves, and as I walk past him and into the living room, I hope that I can keep my shit together long enough to find some sort of resolution.
Sitting on the couch, I watch as he moves past me and sits down on the loveseat opposite. He doesn’t give me the opportunity to say anything, he just sighs loudly before he speaks.
“I want to know how you know Hayden Monroe.”
I shake my head. “We dated.”
“When?”
I swallow. “A long time ago.”
Gavin only looks at me, blinking, and silence falls over us. I assume he wants more details, so I clear my throat. “Almost five years ago.”
“You never told me about him,” Gavin says, intertwining his fingers.
“No, we’ve never talked about any of our exes.” I shrug slightly. “It didn’t feel like I was keeping a secret because we don’t necessarily share those things with each other.”
“Why is that?” he asks, brows furrowing. “Why don’t we talk, Penelope? Why don’t I know more about you? And why don’t you want to know more about me?”
I shake my head. “Because it doesn’t matter. You know me now and that’s what’s important.”
“No,” he scoffs. “Engaged people share things with each other. Shit, people who are dating share stuff. I should know you far better if I’m going to make you my wife. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to have seen so much passion and emotion come from you today. I should already recognize every version of you.”
His words make my stomach curl, because I never really thought about being his wife. When he asked me to marry him, it didn’t seem like that big of a deal, which I guess was pretty stupid, but hearing it that way, thinking of being his wife, I want to throw the ring across the room.
“What?” he asks, bringing me out of my racing thoughts. “What just happened? Your face went white.”
Breathing deep, I blow it out before I start talking. “Why did you ask me to marry you?”
He blinks a few times. “Because I love you.”
Sitting up straighter, I look at him. “You love me, or you love the idea of me? You just said it yourself that we don’t know anything about each other.”
He pulls back a little, his face tightening. “Are you really turning this around on me? When you’re still in love with Hayden Monroe and never told me? I was being patient with you, because I never want to push you to do something you aren’t ready for.”
“I’m not in love with him.” I press my lips together, feeling sick.
“From where I’m sitting, Penelope, it sure as hell seems like it. I’ve never seen you so… responsive. It makes me feel like I’ve been spending my time with a ghost, someone who’s holding on to the memory of someone they can’t have and settling for the first person to come along and love them.”
“Gavin.” I flinch. “That isn’t fair.”
“Say it then. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t still have feelings for him. Say you want to be with me instead. That you want to be my wife.”
My throat tightens painfully, like it’s stopping me from muttering words I know are lies. When I open my mouth, nothing comes out except a small sound that resembles choking.
“It’s okay, Penelope. Really.” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to live with a ghost, and you don’t deserve to be miserable just because you’re with the wrong person.”
My eyes have filled with tears that are heavy and hot, sliding their way down my cheeks as I pull the ring from my finger and stand up. “I’m sorry.”
Crossing the room, I extend my hand toward Gavin, and he takes the ring, curling it in his fist. “It’s okay, just please go, and don’t come back.”
I choke on a sob, looking at this decent man who I’ve been using to fill holes inside of me, and I hate myself a little bit more than I did this morning.
“I’m sorry…” I whisper, unable to stop crying.
Gavin stands up and puts a hand on my cheek. “We both deserve to be happy, Penelope. Don’t feel bad for chasing after your happiness. Just don’t try to fill the void inside of you with someone who doesn’t fit.”
I take an Uber out to the beach and sit down in the soft sand, letting my tears fall freely as I mourn what could have been. As I go over every moment I shared with Gavin in my mind, it starts to become blatantly obvious that it was never real – that the entire relationship was just me trying to fit inside a box again, just like I did with Daniel in college. I wonder silently as I play with the cold sand if I was just waiting for Hayden subconsciously all these years. It hurts to think about what I’ve done, what I put Gavin through just to silence the loud screams inside of me that were searching for something that felt like it did with Hayden.
Maybe Gavin knew all along too – because it wasn’t exactly hard for either of us to walk away. Maybe he has his own demons he was silencing as well.
An hour later, when my eyes finally dry up, I pull my phone out and open Hayden’s contact card, then I share my location with him.
If I’m ever going to figure this out, I need to talk to him.
It’s now or never, right?
After a half hour, I hear someone walking behind me, so I turn around to see who it is. Hayden is bare footed, his sneakers hanging in one hand as he steps closer to me.
He sits down a few feet from me but doesn’t say anything.
After a few minutes, I look over at him and study his face. When he looks at me, he smiles. “What?”
“You look the same.” I say, pausing to really take in every detail. “But different.”
When he smiles this time, it lights up his whole face. It makes me sick with the memory of branding that smile into my brain under the shadow of my sheets, the happiness that spread across his face when we were all alone, stealing the misery that usually haunted him outside the comfort of our safe places.
“You look different, too,” he says, pulling his knees up so he can lean his cheek on them to look at me. “You’re still the same beautiful woman I remember, but your eyes look so tired.”
“Yeah…” I cross my arms. “Well, that’s me.”
“You aren’t happy.” It isn’t a question but an observation.
“I’m fine,” I say, tucking my hair behind my ears and looking out at the water.
As his hand finds my jaw, and he turns my head so I’m looking at him, my eyes feel heavy like they may fill with tears. I wish I could lean into his touch. “I know you, P. You aren’t happy. At least talk to me, let me help.”
“You can’t,” I whisper, scared that if I speak any louder, I may cry. “You can’t fix me because you’re the one that broke me.”
“I think that makes me even more qualified for the job, actually.” He smiles softly, searching my face. “Let me fix it, let me show you that I’ve changed. Ask me anything, I can prove it to you. The only thing I want is to make you happy.”
“I think it’s too late.” I feel a tear slip down my cheek, and he brushes it away with his thumb.
“P, it’ll never be too late,” He drops his hand to my leg. “You and me? That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“But that’s what fucked both of us up the last time.” My chest swells with sadness, but also, longing. “Isn’t it easier to be with someone who doesn’t know how fucked up we are? Wouldn’t a fresh start be better?”
He shakes his head, pressing his lips together. “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who knows everything about you – the good, the bad and the ugly – and still fucking loves you? Fuck a fresh start, Penelope. I’ll bleed for you, I’ll die for you, I’ll fucking live for you.”
I sit silently, letting the truth of his words wash over me, and I hate how much I love him for saying them – I hate how real he is, how honest and right.
“I love you,” he says, and I feel it. “I always have, and I always will.”
“So, what,” I ask, brushing my hands over my wet cheeks. “I’m just supposed to run away with you? Fall back into how unhealthy we were together? Say fuck the life I’ve built here, fuck everything, and just follow you back to wherever?”
“I haven’t drank or done drugs in three years, Penelope, did you know that? I’m completely fucking sober. I’m healthy. I work full time, I fixed shit with my dad, I do yoga, for fuck’s sake. I’m not the same kid you remember walking away from almost five years ago. I’ve grown, and I’ve changed, and I’m here to fix us and show you that. Just give me the chance to show you the new me.”
I don’t say anything, I just look over at him and watch him speak. Everything he’s saying is chipping down that wall around my heart, and it’s terrifying.
“Maybe we met before we were supposed to, maybe if we had met right now, you could see what I see – that we’re meant to be together. I’ve known since the day I met you in that fucking storage room five years ago, and then I fucked you up when I promised I wouldn’t, because I had a drug problem and daddy issues that I put before you. But I will never do that again. I will never put anything before you again.”
Tears are streaming down my cheeks, and by the time he takes a deep breath and looks at me, I feel like I may drown in his gaze. “I fucking love you, Penelope, and I cannot leave here without you.”
I sniffle, running my hands over my face. “Hayden.”
He grabs my hand, squeezing my fingers tight before he places my palm on his chest. “My heart fucking beats for you; my soul fucking aches for you. No one else. I am yours.”
I cry, feeling sobs bubbling in my lungs that make it hard to breathe, but I know one thing to be true… I love him too, and he still owns me.
