Emotions hit us so fast, Kelly was up on her feet and gone before I could stop her. But maybe having it out in private instead of rehashing our issues in front of everyone was for the best.
“I’ll go after her,” I told the table and stood to rescue my wife from Alana and Branna who surged from their chairs. I reached them in time and blocked them from following Kelly. “I got it.”
“What did that asshole say?” Alana jerked her head in Luca’s direction.
“Useful information,” I said.
“Is Mama okay?” Ashley tugged on my tee.
I glanced down at my youngest. “I promise she will be.”
“Did Uncle Luca make her cry?” Whit asked, glaring at her step-uncle.
“He’s trying to help,” I said. “I need to check on your mom.” I speared the adults a look. “Stay here. Please don’t interfere. When we’re ready, we’ll share.”
I kept my face neutral and my voice firm. They had every right to know, but not when I didn’t have the facts. I turned away from them and disappeared into the house. As I suspected, Kelly was in the powder room. The door was locked.
I rapped on the wood lightly.
“Give me a minute,” a garbled voice filtered through.
“Babe, it’s me.”
Silence reigned for a few seconds, and I didn’t know what else to do but wait. Eventually, the knob turned and Kelly opened the door. I caught a glimpse of her ravaged face before she turned away to hug her arms.
I slipped inside, and closed the door, locking it.
I went to her.
The second my hand touched her shoulder with the intent to pull her into my arms, she twisted around, crashed against my chest and started crying.
I held tight.
I held tight through her wracking sobs with the emotions of bewilderment that reflected my own, and the questions thrumming through my head.
I held on to her because I sure as fuck was holding on to our marriage. I wasn’t letting go. I wasn’t letting her down again. Anything she needed. She was my priority. Not my anger at the betrayal that killed Callum, but Kelly, Ash, and Whit. My family.
After a few minutes, she glanced up. “Callum didn’t need to die. He didn’t deserve that.” Her words were still warbly. “And I pushed you to move on when you said something was off about the op.”
“Hey. Hey. None of that now.”
“That’s why you quit. Because your command refused to listen to your team on the ground. That’s why you were so angry.” Tears continued to stream down her cheeks, and I swiped them away with the pad of my thumb. “In a rage … but I wanted you to move on because it killed me to see you blame yourself, Levi—”
“You were hurting too.” I hated to see self-recrimination in her eyes, and reminded her she was right to ask for a separation. “My headspace was fucked up at that time. I refused to get help. It wasn’t healthy for our kids, for our marriage. It took the threat of losing everything to face my shit.” When she continued to look at me in that heartbroken way, a fierceness overtook me. “I was angry at myself. Angry that I didn’t have Callum’s six, angry that the mission went FUBAR, angry that my command didn’t seem to give a shit.”
“You listened to your gut feeling that whole time,” she said softly.
“But at what cost?” I growled, trying to keep from coming out of my skin. “I lost sight of my priorities. For Christ’s sake, I have two small children and I managed to be home six weeks in two years. All because of what? My anger? My cowardice? I was too chicken shit to face you—face the McGraths because I came home and Callum didn’t.”
Kelly inhaled sharply. “I understood your guilt, Levi. More than you know.”
There was an earnestness in her voice that made me pay attention.
“I never told you this,” she said. “Callum used to be my person before you came along. So, when news came that there were casualties, my first thought was of you and then him.” A ragged breath escaped her as more tears spilled from her eyes. “When you came home, I was ashamed at the tremendous relief I felt. I couldn’t face my parents because of that. We were all heartbroken that Callum was gone, but my mind didn’t want to dwell on this other feeling. The relief …”
“Oh, beautiful,” Fuck. I didn’t even think about how complicated losing Callum was for her. There were no words I could say that would comfort her in the guilt she was feeling. I knew how much she loved Callum. She had survivor’s guilt in another form.
I hugged her and let her sob into my chest. And all I could muster was “McG wouldn’t hold that against you.” And he wouldn’t. When I told my friend I was marrying his sister, he said I didn’t deserve her and if I made her cry, he was going to kick my ass.
Kelly pulled away and gave me a small smile. “But having Ash and Whit helped me through that and I think they’re helping you too because they are the future you and Callum were fighting for.”
I cleaved to her. “With this piece of information from Moretti, we’re handling this together. And I swear to you, I’m going to put all my resources behind it to discover the truth.”
She exhaled. I wasn’t sure if it was in relief or resignation. “You think Garrison can help us? He’s on an extended leave right?”
My mouth quirked up. “That man couldn’t resist a lead like this.”
Her eyes grew troubled again. “Beautiful,” I said firmly. “We’re going to find out more in the coming days. We both had different experiences and responsibilities back then that colored our judgment. We need to let the past go. We’re going to find out the truth—together. Find out what the fuck is going on. Get me, babe?”
A watery smile curved her lips. “Got it.”
I grinned, lowered my head, and sealed our new-found understanding with a kiss.
Afterward, Kelly sent me on a mission to look for cucumbers in her grandmother’s fridge. I was instructed to cut her six rounds, so that was what I did. Alana came in and gave me a strange look.
“How is she?”
“Still in the bathroom.” I transferred the small slices onto a plate and put them in the freezer for a few minutes.
Her cousin frowned. “Her eyes are swollen?”
“Yes, she didn’t want to go out there looking like that.”
Branna walked in. “Is Kelly okay?”
“She’s fine, just got some news, that’s all,” I hedged. Shit, I wasn’t ready for this inquisition from the McGrath women.
Alana crossed her arms. “And you can’t share it right now?”
“Nope.”
“Does the Moretti or Rossi family have anything to do with this?”
“Look,” I said. “It’s complicated, and there’s a lot that is rumor. You know how organized crime works. No one wants to go on record. It’s always Tony A said this but Big Sal said that. Nothing written, nothing recorded, which is why Luca came over personally to tell Kelly what he knows.”
“We have resources, too, you know,” she said. “We don’t need the Morettis. If it’s the Russians we should be looking into, then the De Luccis can help with information.”
“Your eavesdropping was not obvious,” I told her, thankful I had to turn away to get the chilled cucumbers from the freezer. “Gotta get this to my girl.”
On my way back to the powder room, I swiped Kelly’s purse along the way and tucked it under an arm. Kelly said she had her life stashed inside, its weight heavy enough to engage the sensors on a passenger seat.
I rapped on the door, and she let me back in.
Her face was scrubbed clean, and she was gorgeous despite the remaining discoloration from the bruises and redness around her nose. The blotches around her eyes made them look bigger, more soulful. Her lips were also swollen and a deep red.
“You look perfect.”
“No need to flatter me,” she mumbled.
“No, really.” She took the plate from my hand, sat on the toilet and put the circles on her eyes.
“I have chilled aloe vera soaked cotton pads at the house,” she told me. “It’s so good to wake up the eyes.”
“Is that a trade secret?”
She laughed lightly. “It’s not a trade secret, but every makeup artist worth her salt will go for a natural remedy first before attempting to cover puffy eyes with product.”
“I know this really good makeup artist,” I deadpanned.
“You’re so good for my ego,” she grinned. “You even listen to me go on and on about healthy eating and vitamin infusions.”
“Always good to learn something new.”
She lowered the used cucumbers and picked up a set of new ones. “Yes, but right after, you grill a thick hunk of meat with a big layer of fat.”
She resumed her cucumber therapy shit.
“Hey, I’d never hear the end of it from Cillian if I served him anything short of a perfect steak. You know he’s all about the marbling. Besides,” I argued. “You saw his brisket and that layer of fat. You’re the one who mentioned he should open a restaurant.”
“Yes, I’m ambivalent about that now.”
“Because your stepbrother is interested in partnering up?”
“That,” she said. “And because it reminded me that Gramps got the recipe and technique from a fellow inmate. I wonder if it became popular and that person found out, if he would sue or try to cut into a partnership.”
“Hmm, that’s an interesting thought. Might ask Robert.” Before her adoptive father opened a private investigation firm, he used to be a prosecutor for the New York Southern District. It was when a McGrath wed a De Lucci that caused a conflict of interest on so many levels.
After my wife was done de-puffing her eyes, as she called it, I watched her put on makeup and watched her transform into another version of herself. I couldn’t decide which version I loved more.
“You’re going to make me self-conscious if you continue looking at me like that,” she murmured while crimping her lashes with a torture instrument.
“Don’t make me laugh, Levi,” she muttered.
“What was I doing?” I asked innocently.
“You wince whenever I use the eyelash curler.”
“I don’t know why you need it. Your lashes are curled.”
“Not enough. And it’s habit I guess.”
“You know you don’t need makeup to look gorgeous, babe.”
A smile played on her lips, and her lashes swept down so I couldn’t see what she was thinking, but it was a familiar look. It was one she made when my compliments pleased her. She lowered her instrument of torture and turned to step into me. My arms instinctively wrapped around her.
“Thank you.” She tilted up her chin. “Now give me a kiss, sexy man, before I put on lipstick.”
“I don’t mind ruining it for you,” I teased before I claimed her lips.
Kelly
As I watched Sofia and Luca leave, I was surprised how I wanted them to stay longer. I wasn’t sure what changed. Maybe it was the new understanding of my biological mother’s reasons for giving me up. I gave her a small smile before she raised the blackened windows to finally hide her face from us.
“She’s very pretty,” Whit whispered as the SUV pulled away.
I glanced at my eldest daughter. “You look like her.”
“How about me? Who do I look like?” Ash asked.
Levi, who was standing beside me, answered, “I think Ash takes after the McGrath side with that chin.”
“I agree.”
We walked back to the gathering. Kelso and Bristow gave us the privacy to say goodbye to the Morettis and chatted with Cillian. After my girls ran back to play with Scout, Levi tugged me close to him. “What are you thinking?”
“What do you mean?”
He eased me into him. “I know the expressions of your face, beautiful. You were sad when you watched Sofia go. That wasn’t there the last time we saw them.”
I shrugged helplessly. And for the rest of the day, it nagged at me. It wasn’t until I checked on the girls at bedtime that I finally figured out where those wistful feelings came from. I tucked it in the back of my mind. I’d probably stay awake at night turning it over in my head.
Whit was reading on her tablet, while Ashley was reading one of her fairytale books.
“Lights out, girls.”
“Just one more chapter, Mom,” Whit said.
Ashley closed her book without another word and turned away to sleep.
“Did you do your homework?” I addressed my oldest daughter.
“Yes.”
“You didn’t run it by me.”
She lowered her tablet. “I’m eight years old. I’ve got this.”
My mouth turned down in disbelief, not knowing whether to smile or be annoyed that she was growing up too fast.
“What?” said the grumpy child.
“All right, I’m going. Last chapter, okay? Then lights out. I don’t want to—”
“I got it.”
I closed the door and ran into Levi.
“They’re all tucked in?”
I walked past him. “Yes. They’re growing too fast.”
“Yeah, I noticed. Ashley suddenly wanted to read her fairytales on her own.”
“I wonder if it’s because she didn’t want to bug her older sister. Maybe Ash is considering Whit’s feelings.”
“Probably. Or they’re just tired and don’t know it.”
“How’s our other child?”
“All walked and pooped,” Levi said. “Wanna say goodnight to him?”
We encountered Cillian at the bottom of the stairs.
“Great barbecue, Gramps.”
He nodded wearily. “Yes. But I must be getting old. Couldn’t stand drinking late with Bristow.”
“That’s why he left early,” Levi said. “Perimeter secure?”
My grandparents had finally agreed to have security installed.
“Shite, forgot about that,” Gramps said. “What with Alana and Charles staying over, maybe it’s not a good idea to turn it on. There’s a patrol car out front.”
“You still need to make it a habit. I’ll take care of it for tonight,” Levi said. “I’ll be up early tomorrow to walk the dog anyway.”
Gramps shot my husband a relieved smile and trudged up the steps. Ruger followed his master.
After we checked on Scout who was already upside down in his crate snoring, Levi pulled up the security app on his phone while I went on to take my nightly vitamins. I was contemplating the epiphany I had about Sofia when I felt his warmth behind me. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me against a warmer chest. “You look lost in thought, beautiful.”
He let me go, turned me around, and caged me against the counter.
“I had an epiphany today.”
“About?”
“My relationship with Sofia and how she gave me up seemed to be the root of how I react to my relationships. Why I wanted independence at the first signs of cracks in our marriage.”
“How you wanted to rely on yourself?”
“Yes. I’m trying to protect myself from disappointment. But when I analyzed what she’d done given the nature of a mob family, I couldn’t say I totally blamed her.” Levi’s body grew more alert. He was staring at me like he wanted to say something but was waiting for me to say more. “The first time I saw Sofia, I was ten. Her explanations about protecting me didn’t make sense then, because I didn’t understand the nature of crime families. When I grew up, I found out for myself how complex the family works. I found out that my stepfather considered me a blight. I found out that probably Sofia was right in giving me up, but it still didn’t lessen the feeling that my own flesh and blood deserted me, especially after I saw how happy Mom and Dad were when Alana was born. I think that’s when I felt the difference, you know.” I looked apologetically at Levi. “Sorry, I’m rambling but I just needed to think this through.”
“I’m all ears, beautiful.”
I gave him a brief smile. “Thanks. Of course, everyone’s attention was centered on the new baby. Suddenly, I wasn’t the youngest kid anymore. There was nothing special about me. Then Uncle Sean got married and had kids. I was the only one whose real parents were not married, whose mother willingly signed away her rights to me. So, getting to my epiphany today …hearing how Sofia kept track of Emilio’s conversations so she might be able to escape one day?” I gave a shake of my head. “For the first time, I saw how her gilded cage was a prison in itself.”
“She didn’t have to marry Emilio.”
“She was nineteen, born into the family, and raised with its rules. They could have disowned her. They had enemies who wouldn’t blink an eye striking back once she was out of their protection. I mean, Grandpa Rossi didn’t acknowledge me until I was five and I think it was only because the McGraths became aligned with the De Lucci’s through Aunt Ava’s marriage. If I was, indeed, the fallen mafia princess that Sofia was, whose own baby was in danger because of its mixed blood, wouldn’t I do everything in my power to protect it, even give it up? I look at Whit and Ash. I have the support structure of the McGraths backed by the De Luccis. But most especially”—I raised my hand and cupped his jaw, and his gaze darkened—“I married a man who loves his kids and would do anything to protect them.”
Levi’s mouth twitched. “You’re forgetting, I’m very much in love with their mother.”
Our lips met in a long, sweet kiss. “But after all that rambling, all I’m saying is I’m doing my best to put this abandonment behind me. Now that I’m a mother, knowing Sofia’s circumstances when she had me, would I have done the same? Was I too harsh in my judgment of her? The other thing was … Mom, Dad, Ronan, Alana.” I let out a rough breath when I said, “And Callum? They never made me feel like an outsider. They loved me like I was their own, so I had no reason to hold on to this issue any longer. It’s become an excuse more than a reason.”
“I’m glad you’re letting go, babe.” Levi stared at me with all warmth and tenderness. It seeped into my skin and blanketed me in security. “You’re wrong about one thing,” he said. “There’s no doubt you would have fought tooth and nail to keep the kids. You’re not a spoiled mafia princess. You forget that you have McGrath blood in you. That alone would make you react differently.”
I thought back to my polished biological mother who remained as beautiful as ever. She always wore the best labels, had perfectly coiffed hair, and was a favorite of the Chicago society pages. In a way I think my preoccupation with skin care had everything to do with appearing as perfect as she was, to be worthy of being Sofia Moretti’s daughter. Yet, I’d been introduced to honest labor by the McGraths who put me to work at an early age at the pub.
My lips quirked. “I had another epiphany.”
“What’s that, babe?” There was an amused glint in his eyes.
“What I am now is the best from both sides of the family.”
“I picked the right woman to be the mother of my children as well,” he murmured and kissed me again.
Later, as we settled in bed after fooling around without actually having sex, we cuddled together. I was falling asleep when I felt Levi kiss the side of my head and say, “You’re worth the wait, babe.”
