I watch my phone ring as I park my car in front of Ares’s house, my heart heavy. It’s a strange feeling to want to hope for something yet knowing better. What is that even? Does that have a name? It isn’t hope, but rather a longing for it.
I wish I had it in me to so much as hope that my mother is calling me simply because she misses me. A soft sigh escapes my lips as I grab my bag and get out of the car, declining her call for the fifth time, but that doesn’t deter her. My phone starts to ring again, and I steel myself as I finally pick up.
“Mom?” I press my thumb against the scanner, and the front door swings open.
“Raven, I’ve been calling you for over an hour now.” She sounds irritated, and a strange ache spreads from my heart. “What took you so long?”
I put my phone on loudspeaker as I take off my coat. “I had a shoot that ran late because no matter what we did, the photographer wasn’t satisfied with the shots. I’m exhausted, Mom. I went straight home after it, so most of your calls came in while I was driving.”
“Raven, doesn’t your car have a hands-free function? Goodness. Surely it’s not that hard to set that up?”
I bite down on my lip harshly in an effort to keep my retorts in. There’s no point in arguing with her. The one most affected by that would be me, and I don’t have the energy to upset myself unnecessarily.
“What are you calling for, Mom?”
She hesitates for a moment. “Hannah has been very upset all week. She hasn’t left her apartment, and each time I go over to check up on her, I find her crying. I don’t know what to do, Rave. Do you think you could speak to her? I asked her if she’d heard from you, and she told me you haven’t even called her once. How could you do that, Raven? You know how sensitive she is and how badly she needs us all right now.”
I stare at my phone for a moment before I reach down to take off my shoes, giving myself a moment or two. She was so different on the day I got married, and I hoped the change would last, that she finally realized that the way she’s been treating me is unfair. I should’ve known better. The moment Hannah comes up, she forgets every promise she made me. Everyone always does.
“Mom,” I say carefully. “The only reason I married Ares is because she refused to. I’m not sure I understand what you want from me. In a matter of days, I’ve lost everything. I’ve had to leave my apartment, the home I built and loved, to move in with someone who doesn’t want me here. How do you think I’m feeling? What do you think it’s like to be married to someone who avoids me because looking at me reminds me of the woman he’d rather see? Don’t you think Hannah owes me an apology for making me take responsibility for her selfishness? Don’t tell me to call her and console her because this mess that we’re both trapped in is of her making.”
“You selfish little girl,” she snaps. “You’ll never change, will you? You will never have it in you to be the bigger person, will you? Can’t you see that this is going to ruin your relationship with your sister? Hannah isn’t going to reach out because she’s heartbroken, and she’s never been good at telling us when she’s in pain. You know exactly why that is, Raven. It’s the result of years and years of her being sick, of feeling like a burden. I’m not saying Hannah isn’t wrong, but so are you. We both know that your marriage to Ares is just temporary, so why not just make her feel better? Would it really kill you to pick up the phone and reassure her?”
“Would it kill her to do the same for me?”
Mom sighs. “I’m so incredibly disappointed in you, Raven. I don’t understand how you two can both be my daughters when you’re so different. I wish you could be more like your sister.”
I laugh humorlessly. “Yeah, join the club, Mom. Everyone wishes I could be Hannah, but I’m not. I’ll never be her.” I run a hand through my hair and stare up at the ceiling.
“No,” Mom agrees. “You’ll never be her, but you can at least try to be half the woman she is. Call your sister, Raven.”
She hangs up on me, and I bite down on my lip harshly in an effort to suppress my tears, yet they fall anyway. Each and every time I speak to her, I’m left feeling like an awful daughter. I should just give in and do what she asks, but I know I’d hate myself even more if I did.
“Raven.”
I turn around to find Ares leaning against the wall, his arms crossed. The way he’s looking at me tells me he’s been standing there a while, and I sigh as I let my eyes fall closed for a moment as mortification washes over me.
“Cupcake,” he says, his tone gentle.
“I don’t want your pity.” I glance at him, taking in the gray sweatpants he’s wearing and the white t-shirt that showcases his muscular arms. Just looking at him hurts. I hate that I want him. I hate that I’m his wife, yet I’m the one person he least wants to see. “Or is it not pity you’re offering me? Let me guess, you agree that I should call your precious Hannah, don’t you?”
He pushes away from the wall and walks toward me, but I hold up my hand and shake my head. “Forget it. Whatever it is, I don’t need to hear it.”
I move to walk past him, but he grabs my wrist and holds me in place. “Cupcake, all I wanted to ask is if you’ve had time to eat today. Shall I warm something up for you?”
I blink in surprise and shake my head. “No,” I tell him, my shoulders slumping. “Thank you, Ares, but I just… I’m going to bed early tonight.”
I pull my wrist out of his grip and escape into our bedroom, my heart heavy. Tonight is the first night that he’s been home before me, and I have no doubt it has everything to do with the conversation we had this morning. I asked him to stop avoiding me, yet here I am, running away.
My breathing is labored as I walk to our bathroom. I should be happy that Ares is home with me for once, but right now, in this moment, I wish he wasn’t. Pure agony spreads from my heart to the rest of my body, until my throat closes up. Hot tears stream down my face as I undress, and I only barely manage to hold it together. I try my hardest to breathe through it, to keep my sobs in, but the moment the shower stream hits my skin, I fall apart.
It isn’t just my mother and the pain she continues to cause. It’s everything else too. Why is it that no matter what I do, I’m never good enough?
My soft sobs are drowned out by the shower’s sound, and I lean against the wall as I allow myself to feel every bit of agony that I try to keep hidden.
Normally, the one thing I’ve got going for me is my work, but not today. I had to redo my shots over and over again because I couldn’t get my expression just right, and then there are the issues I’m running into with sourcing materials for my next designs. My day had been awful before my mother called, but she undoubtedly made it worse. Am I really asking for too much when I wish that my mother would console me on a bad day instead of asking me to lend my sister a shoulder?
Why can’t I ever be anyone’s priority? What makes me so undeserving of that? Why can I never measure up against Hannah in my parents’ eyes? In Ares’s eyes? What is it that she’s got and I’ll never have? Why is my best never enough?
A crushing sense of defeat weighs me down as I struggle to breathe through my sobs, choking back my tears. I may have married Ares, but he can barely stand to be around me. I’m his wife now, but the price of that title was our friendship… and I’m pretty sure it’s going to cost me a whole lot more than that in the long run. It’ll cost me my precarious relationship with Hannah and my parents too.
