in front of my body and then give up and wrap my arms around myself instead.
I can’t stop shaking.
This isn’t real. This isn’t happening. Only it is. Because I’ve checked more times than I count. And it is happening.
It’s fucking real.
I get up from my desk chair and pace the room again, gnawing on my bottom lip until it stings and the sharp tang of metal pokes at my tongue.
Now that I know, I can’t un-know it. I can’t pretend that everything’s fine. That I’m not sitting on a bomb that has the strength to rip this entire estate apart.
To rip Dax apart.
I drop my head forward, nausea crawling up from my stomach. I’ve been sick twice already, there’s nothing left to come up. I’m just grateful that Dax was out of his office earlier and never noticed me going to the restroom twice in a short time period to freshen up. The first time I never even made it that far. The potted plant from the hallway is now enjoying its new home in the composter around the back of the main house.
Fuck.
I drag in a shaky breath as I hug myself. What will Dax do? This will hurt him. I know it will. I’m already anticipating his pain when I tell him. And it’s suffocating me. This could destroy him. He’s the most amazing, kind person beneath the fiery exterior he can show.
What happens to a person when they find out something like this?
I’ve spent all day reading and re-reading the documents I found in that last box in my office. But the bank statements and letters in the attic of the main house cemented it to me. I wish it weren’t true. Sitting in the dark, on the old, rough wooden boards of the attic, I wished with every part of myself, that it isn’t true. Families have secrets. And the Silvers are no exception.
But now, because of me, a secret that has been hidden away in forgotten boxes, pieces scattered about like a jigsaw, is about to come to light.
I could have left it there. Hidden. Forgotten. But I couldn’t live with myself knowing what I know and lying to Dax every day. I couldn’t have looked into his eyes and pretended. I couldn’t have promised him every sunrise.
He should have been told a long time ago. Years ago. And right now I hate his grandparents. Because they hid this. They covered it up. Paid for secrets to be kept.
They should be the ones who have to live with the look in Dax’s eyes when he finds out. Live with that pain.
Not me.
My stomach lurches again, and I dart my tongue out to wet my dry lips.
I’ll tell him after work. Show him everything I found.
And pray that I haven’t made the biggest mistake by telling a secret that isn’t mine.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Dax wraps me in his arms, and I bury my face into his chest, nodding silently.
I meant to tell him already. But he ended up on a call and worked late. Then he came down to the cottage to find me, with only a few minutes to spend together before he goes out to whatever it is he has to do tonight.
I’ve tried to stop wondering where he goes. He says it’s better that way. That he’s fine, and that I don’t need to worry.
But I do anyway.
And my worry has multiplied by a billion with each passing second of today, thinking about telling him tonight.
“Do you have to go now? I’ve barely seen you all day.”
His grip on me tightens. I don’t care if I sound needy. I wish tonight, of all nights, he didn’t have to leave.
“I’ll be as quick as I can. But Rose”—he pulls back and tilts my chin up with two fingers beneath my chin—“I’ll be thinking of you the entire time. Thinking about coming back to you. About waking up next to you tomorrow.”
I nod.
Dax curls his hand around the back of my neck, his thumb stroking over my pulse, and I lean into him on instinct.
“Time is about to reset, Sunbeam.” He smiles softly at me. “Tomorrow is a new beginning. No more leaving you at night. No more being stuck in the past. No more being held back.” He pulls me to him and presses his lips against mine. “Infinity.”
“Every sunrise,” I whisper back before I sink into his kiss.
It’s different, weighted somehow.
But when he pulls back and his deep brown eyes shine as he looks at me, I understand.
For him, it’s weighted by the promise of the future and the excitement that it brings.
And for me, it’s weighted by the secrets of the past and the power they hold.
Dax leaves. I keep standing in the cottage doorway long after the taillights from the Range Rover disappear.
The next couple of hours, I try my best to not think about him. Where he is. What he’s doing. I put a horror movie on, and then flick the TV off when it doesn’t hold my attention and walk to the window to gaze out into the dark instead.
That’s something so different here, on the estate. It’s so dark at night. No lights from other properties. There’s just a faint glow of the light from the main gates.
“This is ridiculous,” I huff.
I’m so annoyed at myself. I should have told him earlier. Not wimped out. Maybe he would have stayed so we could talk. Maybe whatever he’s doing tonight could have waited. I mean, this is important. There’s nothing that could be more important right now, is there?
I grab my phone and bring his number up, hitting dial before I can doubt my actions. I’ve never called him when he’s out at night. But I’ve also never been unable to sleep because I’m sitting on something that’s the equivalent of the iceberg to the Titanic.
He answers on the second ring.
“Rose? What’s wrong?”
Even Dax knows. I’ve not said a word yet. But he knows something isn’t right. It’s crackling in the air.
Tension. Unease. Fear.
“I…” I walk over to the sofa and drop into it, resting my forehead in one hand. “I just wanted to hear your voice.” I sound weak, desperate. I know I do.
There are muffled sounds on the other end and the sound of wind as though Dax is outside.
“I’ll be back soon.” The regret in his voice makes my chest burn. I’m calling him and making him feel bad about leaving me. He told me he needed tonight. Whatever he’s doing must be important to him.
I need to trust him.
“Okay,” I whisper. “I just miss you, that’s all. I’ll leave you to get on with what you’re doing. I’m sorry for interrupting.”
“Don’t. Don’t ever apologize. Not for wanting to speak to me.” His voice softens. “Rose, I don’t think you know how much… Jesus.” He blows out a slow breath. “I don’t think you know just how much I love that you call me when you need something. I want to be the first person you call, whatever the reason.”
“You are.” Despite the aching force pulling down inside my chest, I still manage to smile at the happy sound he makes in response.
“Good. And from tomorrow, you won’t need to call, because I’ll be there. I’ll be there with you. I’ve just got this one last thing to do. Then Young, my past, it’s all behind us.”
“Young?” The hairs on the backs of my arms stand up as my skin prickles, sending goosebumps skittering up my arms. “Julian Young? Dax… Where are you?”
The silence stretches on for a few excruciating seconds.
“I’m—” He exhales. “I’m at the dockyard. It’s just work, nothing to worry about.”
“Is Julian Young there?”
“No.”
My shoulders sag with relief. Dax has a temper, I know that. For a second I thought he’s doing something stupid. I don’t know why, it’s just this feeling I have. This unease that’s settled low in my gut.
But of course, Julian wouldn’t be there. Dax doesn’t know what I know.
Yet.
“But he will be later.”
“What?” I bolt upright, my body balancing on the edge of the seat. “What do you mean? Are you meeting him? Are you…? Dax, what’s going on?”
“Nothing.” His voice drops as though he doesn’t want to be overheard. “Trust me, okay. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow. It’s fine. It’s all going to be fine.”
“Why are you there? Why is he coming? You hate him. I don’t understand.”
Panic sends adrenaline racing around my body. The dockyard? Why would he be there? Why would he mention Julian Young?
The nearest dockyard is forty minutes’ drive. My body is working faster than my brain, and I jump up from the sofa and scoop up the car keys from the table by the door.
“Don’t worry.” Dax’s calm voice does nothing to ease the thundering of my pulse in my ears as I yank the front door open. “I’ll be home soon. And this will all be finished.”
“Okay,” is the only response I manage to croak back before I end the call. I wait until it disconnects before I slam the front door of the cottage shut and run to the Range Rover outside. Thank God I left work today while Dax was on his call. He indicated he’d be awhile, so I drove into town to buy food for dinner. Food we never got to eat because he was so late finishing. But it means I have a car. Otherwise, I would have walked back to the cottage after work, and I would be losing precious time now. Maybe the universe was working on my side for once. A silver lining to the shit I found out today.
I snort at the idea as I press the ignition and the engine roars to life.
Whatever Dax is doing, if Julian Young is there, it can’t be good.
Nothing to do with that man is good.
Nothing except…
I press my foot on the gas and gravel kicks up behind me as I pull away.
Please don’t do anything stupid, Dax.
