Torn: Chapter 11

The past two weeks have felt like an eternity. Longer than an eternity, if that’s even possible. I Googled ‘what is longer than eternity’ out of curiosity and boredom, but it came up inconclusive, with the only real answer being ‘eternity means lasting forever’. I liked how that sounded word-wise but not time-wise in relation to the unsettled feelings I was experiencing.

I spent the days and nights in bed, recovering from the torture known as oral surgery and then getting a cold. My father, my Grandmother, and Chloe each took turns visiting me and bringing me soft food. My grandmother dropped off a bag of new romance paperbacks to keep me busy—some her own books, others by her favorite authors. Buried under my cuddliest comforter, I spent those two weeks napping, reading, and thinking about Tor. And missing Tor more than I should. We texted a few times when he said he hoped I felt better soon and told me he adopted the dog. I replied back that I wanted to come see the dog, to which he replied ‘anytime’. And that was it. At first I thought it was best for us to just ignore the fact that we kissed, go about our lives as if it never happened, and accept that it was an accident of sorts.

But then I dreamt of him. I’m not sure if it was the pain killers from the surgery making me crazy, the cold meds making me loopy, or if reading erotica romance books every night had my imagination in overdrive, but whatever the reason, this was a dream like no other. It was one of those super special dreams that feel so incredibly real that when you wake you’re not quite sure if it was a dream or if it actually did happen. And then you want to try to fall asleep really fast again and somehow find your way back into that dream, and live in it. Make it real. He kissed me in the dream like he did that day on the side of the road, rough and demanding, overpowering all of my senses. Only in the dream-kiss, he didn’t stop there. His lips moved down to my throat, and his hands gripped my waist, pulling my body against his. And in the dream I wasn’t afraid to touch him. I wrapped my arms around him and let my hands roam all over those beautiful muscles he has, and every inch of me that his lips touched burned and tingled and begged for more. And now, I do want more. I want that dream to not be a dream at all.

‘What are you doing?’

His voice startles me out of my daydream and I realize I’m staring at myself in my bathroom mirror with my toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, blue foamy gel all over my lips. I quickly rinse my mouth and wipe it with a washcloth.

‘Dad…I was just getting ready to leave.’ Jesus. I can feel heat rising to my face, and I’m sure I’m blushing.

His eyes narrow at me like he does when he’s trying to read me, his hand reaching out to touch my forehead. ‘You look weird. Are you still feeling sick?’

Yes. I’m sick. I can’t stop thinking about Toren and his lips and his hands and his muscles and his voice and his-

‘Kenzi?’

I shake my muddled head and force a smile at him before putting a quick coat of lip gloss on.

‘I’m fine, I was just thinking.’

‘You looked like you were on another planet.’

‘I’m just excited to finally drive my new car today!’ I do a little happy hop and give him a hug. ‘Thank you so much for getting it for me.’

His face is still all concern and worry as he follows me into my room and watches me put my shoes on. ‘Are you sure you feel okay? I’m worried about you driving after you’ve been sick.’

I cock my head at him. ‘Dad. This has nothing to do with me having a cold and everything to do with you worried about me being in a car alone.’

‘Driving is dangerous.’

‘So is walking. And stairs. Shit, people die in their sleep! Or choking on food!’

He rubs his head and stares at me. ‘Yeah…true. I knew that bubble I wanted to put you in was a good idea. It’s not too late, ya know,’ he says with a smirk.

‘Dad, stop. I’ll be fine. You said yourself all the times you took me out to practice that I’m a good driver.’

Sighing, he crosses his arms and leans against my dresser. ‘You’re right. Just pay attention. I want your cell phone on the passenger seat next to you and not in your hand. At all. Don’t even look at it.’

‘I promise.’

‘And don’t blast the music too loud, you won’t be able to hear the cars around you.’

I quirk an eyebrow at him. ‘Seriously? This coming from a rock god? Loud music is in my blood.’

‘Fine. Just not too loud, then. And make sure it’s good music and not shit.’

Laughing, I agree. ‘Okay. I promise. Please don’t worry. I won’t embarrass you with any bad music choices.’

‘Where are you going? I don’t want you to go too far you’re first time alone. And make sure you have a full tank of gas.’

‘I’m only going to Tor’s to see the dog. I’m so glad he kept him, he’s the sweetest dog ever. Do you think we can get a dog?’ I ask for what must be the millionth time since I was about ten years old. ‘There are so many at Mrs. Grace’s shelter…’

‘No, you have a rabbit that’s almost a hundred years old,’ he glances over at Snuggles in her cage. ‘I travel too much to have a dog and I don’t want you strapped down with another pet right now while you’re figuring out what you want to do next. I want you to be free to do whatever you want. You can go and love on Tor’s dog anytime you want.’

What do I want to do next? I still have no idea.

I snatch up my phone and my new shiny keyring and head downstairs with him right behind me. When we reach the foyer, I turn to face him and he practically slams right into me. He’s severely hovering.

‘Dad, I’ll be fine. Stop being a helicopter. I’ve been riding my bicycle to Tor’s house and all over town since I was eleven years old. I think the car is probably much safer. I’ll text you when I get there, and when I leave, and when I get home.’

That gets me his famous smile. ‘Deal. I’ll be in the studio most of the day working some new vocals, so I’ll be able to focus better if I know you’re safe and sound.’

‘Don’t work too hard. And I can’t wait to hear your new stuff. I know it’s going to be amazing. As always.’ I kiss his cheek. ‘I’ll see you in a little while.’

As soon as I get in my new Jeep I’m tempted to take a selfie to send to Chloe but I stop myself. I promised Dad no cell phone shenanigans in the car, and even though I’m technically still parked in the driveway, I’m going to stick to my word.

At least about the cell phone. I do blast my favorite music pretty damn loud on the fifteen-minute drive over to Tor’s house. What’s the point of having a kick ass stereo system if you don’t use it?

Usually I let myself into his house with my own key but I feel odd doing that now, so I knock. Hearing the dog bark makes me smile and I wonder if he’ll remember me.

The door opens a few seconds later and when he’s smiling down at me, everything feels normal again. He’s wearing my purple heart beanie, and I’m wearing his old Guns n’ Roses t-shirt I stole last year. We’re us again. His gaze shifts behind me to his driveway and he breaks out into a bigger grin.

‘You finally got your car. Jeeps are nice. Good choice.’

‘Yup! I love it.’

‘It’s cool. White suits you, Angel. I could hear you coming from way down the street, though. I figured Ash would make sure you had the best sound system.’

‘Don’t even start,’ I tease, nudging by him where I’m immediately greeted by a mass of white fur and a tongue. I kneel down and the dog is all happy wiggles, wagging his huge flume of a tail and licking my face. His back leg is in a blue cast, but he seems to be getting around okay with it.

‘Wow, Tor! He’s so white! And fluffy! He almost looks like a different dog!’

‘Tell me about it. Who knew under that wet muddy dog was a cloud with paws.’

‘He’s gorgeous!’ The dog is beautiful, like a show dog you’d see on television, and he’s obviously very happy with an immense love for people. He’s prancing around the room, going from me to Toren to get patted, and he almost looks like he’s smiling.

‘I love him! How has he been since you brought him home?’

‘He’s been really good. He’s house trained and except for gnawing on the legs of the coffee table, he hasn’t done anything bad. The vet thinks he’s about two years old. His back leg is healing up nice.’

I look up at him as I hug the dogs neck. ‘And nobody came for him? No postings about a lost dog matching his description?’

He shakes his head. ‘Nope, nothing. Ty checked all the databases, going back three years and there’s nothing within a hundred-mile radius listing an all-white dog. I can’t believe his owners aren’t missing him. It’s fucked up.’

‘It is.’ I don’t know how someone could have such a great dog and not even report him missing. I hope nothing horrible happened to his owner.

‘You’ll have to do a lot more vacuuming now,’ he jokes. ‘The fur that comes off him on a daily basis is crazy. And it sucks for me since almost all my shirts are black. I can’t get out of the house without having white fur on me.’

I stand up and smooth down my t-shirt, which is also covered in fur now, too. ‘I’ll get you one of those lint roller things if you don’t have one.’

‘I’ve been using masking tape and went through a roll already. Pick me up a bunch of those lint things,’ he reaches into his wallet and hands me a fifty-dollar bill. ‘You’re still going to clean and stuff, right?’

I nod, taking the bill from him. ‘Yes, and make you dinner.’

‘Wicked cool. That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time.’ We watch as Diogee grabs a big white bone off the floor and carts it over to a dog bed in the corner of the living room to chew on.

‘He seems really happy, Tor. I’m so glad you kept him. I’m looking forward to seeing him now when I come over. I could brush him for you, too, if you want.’

‘That would be awesome, and he obviously loves you. He’s a little high maintenance so I’ll take all the help you want to give.’

‘I don’t mind at all. I asked Dad for a dog again but he said no, and I can basically come over here and hang out with yours.’

‘I’m good with that. Anytime you want to come over is fine. You know that by now. Since he’s all settled on his bed, you want to see what I’ve done to the back yard?’

‘Of course.’ A few weeks ago he told me he wanted to do some landscaping in his yard and plant some new flowers and shrubs because he was sick of looking at nothing but grass and rocks. When we step outside the sliding glass doors to his patio, I’m completely unprepared to see what he’s done. He fenced in the entire yard with white fencing and planted different shaped shrubs, a myriad of colorful flowers that I can’t even name, a bird bath, and a hummingbird feeder along with various birdhouses nailed into the trees. But the part that blows me away is a stone walkway that leads to a tiny pond with an old wrought iron bench nearby. He’s watching me with a grin on his face, waiting for my reaction.

‘A pond?’ I exclaim. ‘You did this?’

We walk over to it and I’m shocked again when I see three koi swimming in the clear water that’s being circulated by a small waterfall.

‘Yeah, Tanner helped, though. We watched about fifty YouTube videos. It took a few days just to do the pond but it came out pretty cool. We used rock from the river down in the woods. Tanner power washed everything, then we arranged it all in here. It’s almost three feet deep.’

‘Are you kidding? This is amazing.’

‘Thanks. The dog keeps trying to stick his head in it, but I think he’ll get bored of it. Tristan gave me some training tips to work with him.’

‘Tor, it’s all beautiful. My Dad’s going to be jealous of this, though,’ I tease. ‘This is kinda better than his water fountain. I mean, there’s fish.’

He winks at me. ‘We won’t tell him.’

‘Can we sit?’ I ask. ‘I want to watch the fish swim around. They’re so pretty and peaceful looking.’

‘Sure. I haven’t sat back here at all, actually. Just been busy working on it but not really enjoying it yet.’

‘Well then it’s time you did.’

We sit on the bench together, he stretches his long legs out and proudly looks around his beautiful new yard.

‘It’s seriously amazing, Tor. So much better than just all that boring grass you had before. And the fence is a good idea.’

‘Yeah I was afraid the dog would wander off and get lost again,’ he stares around the yard some more. ‘I really like it. It feels more like home now, ya know? I should have done this years ago.’

‘I think so, too. I love everything you did. This is what I want when I get my own house someday. I could sit back here all day.’

We share a smile and my heart dances. I’ve missed him and our talks, and now as my eyes discreetly take in his muscular jean-clad legs, flashbacks of my dream make my heart beat even faster. I wonder if he’s thought about me differently at all, like I’ve been thinking about him.

‘How have you been feeling?’ He asks.

‘Huh?’

‘You were sick. And had four teeth ripped out of your head. Your dad said you were in a lot of pain.’

‘Oh. Yeah, it hurt a lot afterwards. My face got all swollen and I looked like a chipmunk.’

He laughs. ‘Aww…I’m sure you looked adorable.’

I shake my head. ‘I don’t think so. I was all bruised, too.’

‘It’s better now, though, right?’

Yes. It’s much better because you just pretty much called me adorable.

‘Yeah. I can open my mouth all the way now.’ I demonstrate by opening my mouth wide and snapping it closed several times.

‘Please don’t do that,’ he sits forward and leans his elbows on his knees.

‘Okay…’ Hmm. Is it possible he has been thinking about me?

He clears his throat and points over to the fountain. ‘Did you see that? I left a surprise there for you.’

I follow his finger to a small glass painted mason jar on the edge of the pond that’s filled with pennies.

‘Hey,’ I say excitedly. ‘Is that for our wishes?’

‘Of course. I don’t sit here and make wishes alone.’

I jump up and run over to grab the bottle. ‘Can we throw pennies in the pond? Or will it hurt the fish?’

‘We can. I washed them all first to make sure there was nothin’ on them.’

‘You’re awesome.’ I shake out two pennies, put the jar back, and join him on the bench again, handing him one of the copper coins.

‘You go first,’ he says. ‘You’ve been sick.’

I laugh at him. ‘It was just a cold.’

‘You called it the worst friggin’ cold ever.’

‘It felt pretty bad at the time.’

‘They always do.’

I hang onto my penny for a second and then toss it in the water, making sure it doesn’t bonk one of the fish in the head. We’re quiet for a few minutes as I think about my wish and how best to word it. I knew what I was going to wish for long before I threw my penny in, but now I’m not sure I have the courage to say it out loud.

‘So?’ He urges. ‘What did you wish for this time? It should be a big one, you just graduated high school and have a whole new slate in front of you.’

I take a deep breath and watch the koi circle slowly over my penny as if they know what’s about to happen.

‘I wish you’d kiss me again.’ I say softly, grateful for the breeze blowing my hair across my face at that exact moment, hopefully hiding the yearning that I’m sure is overly evident in my eyes.

He doesn’t look at me. In fact, he goes completely still and I’m not even sure he’s breathing, to be honest. My pulse quickens as I wait and a swirling warmth manifests in the pit of my stomach.

‘I didn’t kiss you, Kenzi.’ He finally says. I can’t see his eyes, because he’s still leaning on his knees with his chin resting on his hands, so I’m left staring at the back of his head.

‘Yes, you did.’ Does he think I imagined the most epic kiss of my life thus far?

‘It was an accident.’ Again, with the emotionless tone that’s totally foreign to me.

‘Are you kidding?’ I say, my voice rising slightly.

‘No,’ he says simply. ‘I’m not.’

No way. I’m not going to let him put himself into denial over this.

‘How do you accidentally kiss someone, exactly?’

Now I can hear him breathing, and he lets out a deep sigh. ‘I don’t want to talk about this.’ He moves to stand but I quickly grab his arm and pull him back down on the bench.

‘Please don’t walk away.’

He turns his face up to the sky and takes another deep breath, shaking his head. ‘Fine, Kenzi. It never should have happened. It was a fucked up, spur-of-the moment thing because we were both all ramped up about saving the dog and we just kinda…collided.’

‘Collided?’ I repeat. Is he serious?

‘Yeah, and I’m sorry it happened. My mind was just fucked for a few seconds. I would never touch you, Kenzi. Not like that. You know that, right?’ He turns sideways to look at me and his eyes are troubled, searching mine like he’s lost and confused and needs me to set him back straight again.

I swallow hard over the lump growing in my throat. ‘Of course I know that, but I don’t want it to be a mistake. I liked it.’

His eyes close for a long moment before he opens them to meet mine again. ‘Kenzi, no. It was wrong on about a thousand levels. It didn’t mean anything.’

I slowly shake my head, refusing to let that be true. ‘No. I thought it meant a lot, actually.’

He stands up and hurls his penny into the woods, and that just deepens the blow of what he’s saying to me. Our little wish moments have always been special to us and he just threw one away like it meant nothing.

‘We’re not talking about this, Kenzi. This subject is over, you got it? Just drop it.’

I stand and grab his arm again, forcing him to look at me, and he glares down, his dark eyes narrowing at me.

‘No, Tor. I don’t got it. What if I don’t want to drop it? You going to spank me and take me home like a little baby? I’m a little old for that now, don’t ya think? Can’t we sit here and talk about our collision like adults?’

‘Stop taunting me,’ he says through clenched teeth. ‘We’re done with this. I want you to forget it happened.’

‘I want to talk about it.’

His eyes flash at me, his mouth set in a tight line. ‘Did you tell anyone?’

‘No, of course not. I’m not stupid.’

‘I hope not. This isn’t funny, Kenzi. It’s serious. I’m not some fucking high school kid. You’re a teenager and I’m an adult. I own a respectable business in this town, I can’t have people spreading rumors about me.’

‘Don’t you think I know all that? Why are you acting like this? We didn’t do anything wrong. Please stop being so mad at me and talk to me.’

He shakes his head vigorously. ‘No. I want you to forget it happened. That’s exactly what I’m doing.’

‘I can’t.’ I confess with a shaky voice.

‘Then try harder,’ his voice is deep and spiked with venom. He’s never spoken to me like this, and I ache for the man that’s been nothing but sweet and comforting to me for the past seventeen years. I’ve never been the target of his anger and I’m not liking this side of him at all.

Tears start to roll down my cheeks and I wipe at them, annoyed that I can’t control my emotions. I don’t want him to perceive me as a little girl having a tantrum.

‘Wow. Maybe Sydni and Lisa were right about what they said to you. You can’t communicate at all.’

He takes a few steps away, his fists clenched at his sides, then comes back to face me.

‘Don’t even throw that shit in my face. This is completely fucking different. You better watch where you’re treading, Kenzi. You may not like where you end up.’

I cringe away from his fury. ‘I’m sorry. I just want you to talk to me.’

‘Look, what happened was a mistake and I’m sorry it’s got your head all messed up, but we both need to just forget it. It was wrong and it’s making me sick thinking about it, let alone talking about it.’

His words are like a slap to my face and a knife straight through my heart. ‘I make you feel sick?’ I ask in disbelief.

‘No, Angel, not like that,’ his voice softens as he realizes how harsh he’s acting. ‘It’s just wrong. You’re only seventeen for God’s sake.’

‘So?’ I sniffle.

He smiles in wonder at me. ‘So?’ he repeats, letting out a little laugh.

I nod. ‘Yeah, so?’

Pulling me into his chest, he hugs me and kisses the top of my head, just as he did when I was a little girl. ‘That’s such a you answer. I don’t want to fight, Kenzi. Not with you, not ever. But you gotta let this go. I’m sorry I let this happen. I’m just fucked up sometimes.’

‘You’re not fucked up,’ I say defensively into his chest.

He slowly pulls away and looks down into my eyes, his full of turmoil. ‘I am. And now you’re seeing it firsthand, and I fucking hate it. I liked it when you looked at me like I was some kind of hero who made everything in the world all better for you.’

‘But you do. You always have.’

Smiling weakly, he shakes his head and swipes his thumbs across my damp cheeks. ‘I can’t stand to see you cry. Please let this go, I’m begging you. Can you do that? For me?’

Nodding tearfully, I say yes. Because I’ll do anything for him.

But I know I’m not going to be able to let this go. I’ll never forget how it felt to be kissed by him. If I live to be a hundred, I still won’t forget or let it go.