Torn: Chapter 12

Sydni is sitting on my lap and we’re making out in a dark corner of Asher’s apartment when I feel something tugging on my leg. Pulling away from Sydni’s lips, I look down to see Kenzi staring at me with wide eyes.

I wipe Sydni’s red lipstick off my lips with the back of my hand as I’m being scrutinized by a seven year old. ‘Hey kiddo, shouldn’t you be in bed?’

‘Why?’

‘Because it’s late and your mom and dad have friends over.’

‘So?’

‘I know I saw your mom put you to bed.’

‘I couldn’t sleep,’ she turns her narrowed gaze towards Sydni. ‘Why is she on your lap? I sit on your lap. Nobody else.’

Sydni laughs and snakes her arm around my neck. ‘Kenzi, honey, you should go back to bed. Do you want me to find your mommy? I think she’s in the kitchen.’

Kenzi glares at her. ‘No. Thank you,’ she holds a piece of paper out to me. ‘I drew this for you Uncle Tor.’

Smiling, I shift Sydni off me and take the piece of paper from Kenzi’s hand. She’s drawn a black heart with a scribble in the middle and with the new calligraphy pen I gave her, she’s written ‘Uncle Tor, I love you the most. Love, Kenzi’ and her words actually look really good even though they’re a little crooked. I can tell she’s been practicing.

‘This is beautiful, Angel. Look how pretty your letters came out.’

She beams at me. ‘I did the swash like you showed me in the book.’

‘I see that. I’m going to keep it forever.’

‘Really? You promise?’

‘I promise.’

‘Why do I need a website? I have Facebook.’

Chloe sighs at me and doesn’t take her eyes off her laptop screen. I’m perched next to her at the desk in her bedroom, watching her fingers fly over the keyboard.

‘Facebook isn’t the internet, Kenzi. I mean, yeah it’s great for socializing and you can use it for a place for customers to find you and see your work, but you really want a website to showcase your portfolio so you look like a real professional. I can even add an order form.’

I chew my lip as I stare at her screen. ‘Are you sure? I doubt I’ll get many orders, Chloe.’

‘I think you’re wrong. Look at this list we made of things you can do with your calligraphy instead of just handwritten invitations. The tattoos and the custom handwritten wall art is awesome. Trust me, it’ll start out slow and then it will take off.’

‘If you say so,’ I appreciate her confidence in me, I’m just not sure myself yet if people will actually pay for my calligraphy. It’s taken her two weeks to convince me to let her design a website for me. She seems excited to have the project to work on since she’s going to college soon for marketing and graphic design. So in a way, I’m sorta her guinea pig, which I don’t mind at all.

‘By the end of the week I’ll have this all up and running for you,’ she assures me. ‘You’ll love it, it will look great.’

‘I trust you. In the meantime, I’ll send you some pictures of my work so you can add them when you’re ready.’

She shuts her laptop lid and turns to me. ‘Okay, girl. Tell me what your plans are for the summer. Are you going to Maine to stay with your aunt? I really wish you were coming to New York with me. I just don’t get why you won’t go to college. You’re smart, and it’d be crazy fun. Do you have any idea how many new people you’d meet? New York City is freakin’ amazing. And with your dad’s connections, we could get into all the cool clubs.’

I push my hair out of my face, tired of having this same conversation with everyone for the past two months. ‘I just don’t think it’s for me. I don’t have that inner drive in me to want to go to college, or party, or start some kind of career, or get away from my family. I honestly don’t know why.’

She tilts her head at me thoughtfully. ‘Maybe your parents dragged you around too much when you were younger. I think that made you just want to stay in one place. For some people, it would do the opposite, where they’d want to keep traveling as much as possible since that’s what they’re used to. It seems like it had the opposite effect on you. I think you need to feel settled. There’s nothing wrong with that, though, Kenz.’

I nod slowly, taking that in. ‘I think you’re right. I just want calm and quiet, and a sense of security and home.’

‘You better at least come visit me. You can’t just stay in this tiny town and wither away. You have to get out sometimes.’

‘Of course, I’ll visit. I’m going to miss you like crazy. It’s not that far, though. I could drive, or even fly.’

‘We can shop our asses off when you visit.’

‘We definitely will,’ I agree. I don’t know anyone who loves to shop as much as Chloe does, and every time we go shopping, she insists on buying some ridiculously random thing that she will never, ever use, and then she’ll wrap one of those things up in the gaudiest wrapping paper she can find and give it to me on my birthday. It’s a silly joke she started when we were younger, and now I look forward to it every year.

‘I’m not sure if I’m going to Maine this year or not,’ I say as Chloe starts to put bright pink nail polish on her nails. She’ll probably want to do mine next, and I will inevitably smudge at least three nails by the time I get home.

‘Why? I thought you loved going there.’ Every year for the past six years I’ve spent summer break in Maine with my mom’s older sister, Katherine, who owns and runs a Bed and Breakfast in a beautiful Victorian house right by the water. This year I’m just not sure I want to be away for almost three months, especially since Chloe will be leaving for college soon, and my father will be going on tour in the Fall.

My cell phone beeps with a text, and when I see his name on my screen, my heart jumps in that new way that it does every time he texts me.

It’s been a week since the talk we had in his back yard about the collision, and that night I changed his name in my contacts from Uncle Tor to Tor. I knew in my heart I was never going to call him my uncle again. Not after I knew what it felt like to be kissed by him, and not after the daydreams I’ve been having about him. Seeing the dream version of us was like looking into a crystal ball, and I saw our relationship in a new way that now I couldn’t forget. It also forced me to face several unexpected truths. I’m insanely attracted to him physically and mentally. I want to take care of him, and I want to be the person who makes him smile every day. I don’t want him to be any sort of uncle to me or be my dad’s best friend. I want him to be mine. Thinking back, I can’t deny that some of these feelings started to grow in me a very long time ago, like a seed that’s been slowly blossoming over the years, growing as we grew together. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be close to him and now it’s evolved into something far beyond friendship and guardianship.

I’m not entirely delusional. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of him in that way. I was raised thinking of him as my uncle and he is my Godfather. Those memories can’t be wiped away from our history. He’s my dad’s best friend. He’s almost twice my age. But with each day that passes, those facts seem less valid to me, and the feelings I’m having for him are becoming much stronger than fake titles and age differences. It’s undeniable; our feelings for each other have changed. I know it, and I know he knows it. I just don’t know what to do about it.

I swipe my finger across to read his text, and it’s a photo of a penny laying amongst some dirt and leaves.

Tor: I found the penny I threw in the woods the other day.

Me: It hurt that you did that 🙁

Tor: I know. I’m sorry.

Me: It’s okay. Put it back in the jar.

Tor: Some things we can’t wish for. I need you to understand that.

Tears well in my eyes reading his words and I type a quick reply.

Me: I do understand. I just don’t like it.

A few minutes go by and I focus on Chloe painting little flowers on my nails until my phone beeps again. Using my right hand, I swipe the screen to see his new text.

Tor: I never said I liked it either, Angel. I hate it.

I turn my phone over, so I can’t see the screen anymore. If Chloe realizes I’m getting text messages that are upsetting me, she’ll start asking questions, and there’s no way I can tell her about this, as much as I wish I could. I’m just not ready to admit to anyone yet how I really feel about him.

His truck is in the driveway on Friday afternoon when I get to his house, and it causes a moment of panic for me. I wasn’t expecting to see him today. Usually, I clean up his house, do his laundry, brush the dog, and prepare a dinner for him that’s easy to heat up, and I leave.

I grab the two bags of groceries I just bought and walk down his brick walkway to the front door, hesitating before using my key to let myself in. I still don’t feel right just walking into his house when I know he’s inside. Instead, I ring the doorbell and wait.

‘Come in!’ He bellows.

When I step inside, I’m surprised to find him laying on the couch propped up on a bunch of pillows wearing gray sweatpants and a wrinkled white t-shirt, his hair all loose and messy like he just woke up. Diogee is sleeping on the floor next to the couch, but immediately lifts his head and wags his tail when he sees me.

‘Hey…what are you doing home?’ I ask, taking the bags into the adjoining kitchen and putting them on the counter. I pull out my phone and send a quick text to my dad to let him know I’m safe and sound.

‘I hurt my fucking back again at the shop yesterday.’

‘Oh no, again? Did you take your pills?’ He’s had problems with his back ever since his truck was rear-ended while he was at a traffic light years ago.

He nods. ‘A bunch of them already. Why the hell do you keep knocking? You have a key.’ His tone is edgy from the pain as he turns to reorganize his pillows behind him.

I empty the grocery bags onto the kitchen table and start putting things away. ‘I feel weird just walking into your house when you’re home. It feels rude and invasive.’

‘Kenzi, you can come in any time. I’d never have someone over here in the middle of the day if that’s what you’re worried about. I have a job, remember? And I don’t walk around naked. So just come in.’

‘Okay,’ I admit I’m happy to hear he doesn’t have women here during the day, but then, of course, I wonder if he has anyone over at night. I don’t want to think about it.

‘I was going to make you a beef and broccoli stir-fry for dinner. Do you feel alright to eat?’

‘That sounds great, actually. All I’ve had to eat today is a Valium, Vicodin, and orange juice cocktail so real food would be good.’

After I put the groceries away, I cross the room and sit on top of the coffee table in front of the couch to talk to him. His eyes are glazed from the high of the pills, making them look like glassy onyx gems.

‘Tor, you can’t take pills on an empty stomach like that.’

‘You sound like my mother,’ he scowls.

Diogee sits up and lays his head on my leg, peeking up at me with his big black eyes.

‘Hi, puppy. Did you miss me?’ I lean down and kiss the top of his head.

‘He’s an attention monger. He’s constantly nudging my hands to get petted or laying his head on me like he just did to you with that face.’

Laughing, I rub the dog’s ears. ‘I think he’s good company for you.’

‘Yeah, I guess he is. He sleeps with me every night and at least he’s still here in the morning.’

I try to ignore that comment that hints at more info than I care to know right now.

‘Can I get you anything?’ I ask. ‘The heating pad? Or maybe an ice pack? What helps with the pain?’

He shakes his head. ‘None of that shit helps.’

‘Okay. I’ll just vacuum and do your laundry, and then straighten things up a bit.’

‘Skip the vacuum. The noise will make my head explode.’

‘Alright. What else can I do to help? Maybe you should take a hot bath or shower?’

Squinting, he falls back against the pillow, grimacing in pain. ‘I don’t fucking know. I’m sorry, Angel. I’m in a ton of pain. I can’t even think straight. Just pet the dog and make dinner. You don’t have to do anything else.’

Seeing him in so much pain and the cranky mood it’s put him in bothers me and makes me want to do something – anything – to make him feel better. When I was younger, I used to rub his back and even walk on his back sometimes when it was hurting him, with my mom yelling that there was no way that could be safe for a back injury, but he said it felt good. Giving him a back massage would probably be really inappropriate after what’s been changing between us recently, though, so I nix that idea.

He opens his eyes and grins when he catches me looking at him.

‘You still look at me the same way you did when you were a baby,’ he murmurs.

‘How’s that?’

‘Like I’m just the only thing you ever want to look at.’

Not breaking eye contact, I smile at the truth in his words.

‘Maybe you are.’

His eyes close and he takes a deep breath as if he’s inhaling my words and needs them to take his next breath. When he opens his eyes he reaches out to rest his hand on the side of my neck, his thumb slowly brushing back and forth over my cheek. My heart jumps at his touch, and I freeze, not moving, not wanting to do anything to interrupt the moment.

‘And when you were little you used to come running to me when I walked into the room, and you’d hug me like I was your favorite person in the world. You have no idea how that felt,’ he swallows hard. ‘To feel so unconditionally adored.’

I remember that feeling of giddy excitement every time my Uncle Tor came in the room and although my excitement of seeing him hasn’t diminished, it’s totally different nowadays.

‘You made me feel the same way,’ I admit. ‘And I still feel that way, Tor. But now, I think I want to do a lot more than just hug you.’

His hand grips my neck tighter, and I lick my lips nervously. ‘And I think I want you to do a lot more than just pick me up and swing me around and make me laugh.’

I nearly forget how to breathe when he presses his thumb to my lips. ‘Don’t say things like that, Kenzi,’ he whispers, his eyes flashing even darker. ‘You don’t know who you’re playing with.’

Without even thinking, my tongue peeks out to run across his finger, and his eyes widen, riveted to my lips as I taste him. ‘I’m not playing. And I know exactly who you are.’ I don’t want to hide my feelings anymore so I embrace this moment of new bravery.

‘Oh, yeah?’ his voice is low and sexy, and it does indescribable things to my insides. ‘Who am I?’

‘Did you forget?’ I ask playfully, leaning a little closer to him, his hand on my neck pulling me forward, gently coaxing me even closer. ‘You’re the man I’m going to marry someday.’

‘Fuck,’ he exhales the word and pulls my lips down to his, and our second collision is just as amazing as the first—slow, tantalizing and consuming. His mouth covers mine, his tongue delving deep as his free hand grips my waist, pulling me off the coffee table and onto the couch with him. His hand slides from my hip to the back of my thigh, pulling me until my chest is flush against his, my legs straddling him. An unexpected whimper escapes me as my body settles perfectly against him and his massive hard-on presses between my thighs, causing my entire body to quiver with electric pulses. Wow. Groaning, he grips the back of my neck tighter, his fingers in my hair, and kisses me deeper, his lips smoldering on mine. My body instinctively seeks his out, my thighs spreading wider over him, wanting to feel more of him. Needing to feel more. Ripples of longing I’ve never felt before tremor through my body as I slowly move against him, unsure of what I’m doing but loving the feeling of him growing even harder beneath his sweat pants. His hand moves from the back of my thigh to the small of my back, holding me firm against him, and I like how possessive it feels. A little voice inside me tries to tell me my first experience grinding against a man’s body should be with any one of the millions of single men on the planet and not with Tor, but I ignore the warning. She doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about. I may be seventeen, but I can feel without a shadow of a doubt our bodies and hearts were made to be together, like scattered puzzle pieces needing to be put back together.

Suddenly he pulls away and exhales with a hiss. ‘Shit. Fuck!‘ he swears, causing the dog to jump up. Pushing me off him, I fall back onto the end of the couch as he sits up, swinging his legs off the couch and planting his bare feet on the floor.

‘Kenzi, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking high on pills right now,’ he says, running his hands through his hair. ‘You need to leave. Now.’

‘Wh – what? Why?’ I’m still lost in the euphoria of his kiss, of feeling him so hard against me, my mind cloudy and humming, still wanting more of whatever just happened. I want a total head-on collision.

‘Please. Go.’ He points to the door like I’m some kind of squatter who wandered into his house.

‘Tor…’ I touch his arm, but he yanks away from me.

‘Kenzi, you have to go. I mean it. I can’t be around you when I’m high as a fucking kite. I don’t know what the hell you’re doing to me.’

I stand on wobbly legs, completely engulfed in confusion. ‘I’m sorry…’ I stammer. ‘What about dinner?’

I’m in a daze as he walks with me to the kitchen, where he scoops up my keys and hands them to me. ‘Don’t worry about dinner. And don’t be sorry. This isn’t your fault. It’s me, I’m messed up.’

He practically pushes me to the front door, where I turn to look up at him, clutching my phone and keys, tears falling down my cheeks. ‘What’s happening to us?’ I ask.

His deep chestnut eyes are filled with regret as he shakes his head. ‘I don’t know, Angel, but I think we need some time apart.’

‘Time apart?’ The concept of that sounds so out of place to me. That’s a term reserved for people in a relationship that’s going bad and need to get away from each other to regroup and calm down, and to think about whether they want to be together or not. That’s not us. I don’t ever want to consider not having Tor in my life.

‘When are you going to Katherine’s this year?’ he asks.

I’m taken aback by his question. ‘Why would you ask me that? I’m not sure I’m going. I planned to stay home this year.’

‘I think you should go for the summer. I think we need to put some space between us for a while.’

His words steal my breath.

‘You want me to go away?’

‘I just think we need to get our heads straight. We’ve been spending too much time together.’

‘We always have, Tor. For like my entire life.’

‘I know, and that was obviously a mistake on my part.’

My throat clenches along with my heart. ‘So you regret all the time you’ve spent with me?’ My entire life flashes before my eyes, wondering if every memory of us together was nothing but annoyance for him while it meant so much to me.

‘No, Angel. Not one minute. But I think now that you’re older, it has to stop. You should be with friends your own age more. Find guys your age to date. And I should be spending time with women my age and not with you. This is all fucking wrong,’ he puts his hands up and backs away from me.

‘But it doesn’t feel wrong,’ I protest weakly.

His eyes are hard as steel. ‘It’s wrong. Trust me. We should never be touching or kissing, for any fucking reason.’

‘I can’t believe you want me to go away,’ I say in disbelief.

‘I think it’s for the best.’ He says simply, his walls building up again.

‘For you, maybe.’

‘No, for both of us. But especially for you. You just can’t see it.’

‘That’s total bullshit. I like being with you. And being kissed by you is amazing-‘

He grabs my shoulders and bends down to get at eye level with me. ‘Stop!’ he hisses. ‘It’s just a crush, Kenzi. It’s normal for your age. It’ll go away.’

I scoff at him. ‘A crush? If that’s all it is, then why do you feel the same way, Tor? You’re a little old for a crush, aren’t you?’

‘I don’t even fucking know anymore, Kenzi. I just know we need to get away from each other.’

I can’t even fathom wanting to get away from him. All I want is to get closer to him, not further away.

‘I don’t know what to say,’ I say. ‘I’m confused.’

‘So am I,’ he says softly, releasing my shoulders. ‘I’m trying to be honest with you, Kenzi. But this is really fucking hard because I also have to do the right thing. I can’t let emotions get in the way of reality.’

‘What does that mean?’ I ask.

‘It means that I’m all fucked up. I have feelings for you I shouldn’t have. I’m not going to lie to you about that. But I have to be the adult here and do the right thing. This can’t happen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’

‘I’m not a baby, Tor. I’m going to be eighteen in less than two months. That’s an adult.’

‘It’s still wrong in like twenty other ways.’

I look into his eyes, pleading. ‘I don’t want to believe that.’

‘We shouldn’t even be having conversations like this, Kenzi. I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore,’ he crosses the room and grabs his water and bottle of pills off the coffee table and gulps down another handful of painkillers and muscle relaxers. ‘I really think you should go now. Please.’

I reach for the doorknob, my emotions a tornado inside. Hearing him admit he has feelings for me makes me want to throw my arms around him and hug him into oblivion, but he’s taking it all away and hiding it like it’s some kind of dirty secret that needs to be destroyed, and he wants me to go with it.

‘Please don’t do this,’ I beg. ‘Don’t push me away.’

‘Kenzi, don’t make this worse for us. I’m in a ton of pain right now, I can barely think straight from that and all the pills I’ve taken. I’m trying to be gentle about this, but I just need you gone.’

Gone. Over and done with. No more. Done. Finished. Ended. That’s what he wants.

My unwanted heart cracks.

‘You’re a jerk,’ I choke out. ‘You want me gone? Then fine, I’m gone.’

His shoulders slump in defeat. ‘Don’t say shit like that to me.’

‘I’ve never thought of you as weak, Tor. But I guess I don’t know you as well as I thought I did.’

He comes back to stand in front of me at the door where I’m still standing with my hand on the knob. Diogee follows him, tail wagging, oblivious to what’s going on.

‘Trust me Kenzi, there’s nothing fucking weak about this at all. I hate hurting you and it’s killing me inside.’

‘Well, that’s funny since you just hurt me more than anyone else ever has.’

I storm out of his house, slamming the door behind me, and jump into my Jeep.

‘Never drive upset,’ my father’s words ring through my head as I back recklessly out of the driveway. Here I am, already driving with a broken heart, barely able to see through the tears in my eyes.

Spending the summer in Maine with Aunt Katherine is looking better and better. I’ve never been a crier or the type of person to slam doors, let alone call people names. Between the fight with Jason and now all this emotional confusion with Toren, I don’t feel like myself. This isn’t how I wanted to start my life as an adult. Maybe Tor is right; I need to get away from everyone for a while for a major reset.