Torn: Chapter 27

It’s possible I’ve lost my mind, but I don’t care. I’m too happy to care. If I’ve gone insane, then that’s okay. I’ll own that shit. I’ll wear it like a badge. I’ll be Captain Crazy.

I’ll do anything. I’ll be anything. As long as it means I get to spend my life with her.

I want to throw myself on the Asher gauntlet. I want to get the poison out in the open and give the wound air to breathe. And hopefully heal.

I want to move forward. I’m already tired of hiding and walking on the thin ice of the situation, waiting for a huge fucking crack to form and suck us into the lake of deceit.

Every night for the past few weeks I’ve sat on the floor with Diogee and Kitten, and I’ve dumped out the change from the glass bottle to roll up in those little paper rolls. Most of these old glass jugs are five gallons, but this one is bigger, probably around eight gallons if I had to guess, and I wish my father or grandfather were still alive so I could ask them what it was originally used for.

The hours that it takes every night to count and roll the coins doesn’t bother me. With every quarter I place in the paper roll, with every minute that ticks by, I reflect on the past. I think about the present. I hope for the future and what I can have. A wife. A family. A love that transcends time, age, titles, and social expectations, as Kenzi had so perfectly described what we have.

I don’t add up a final total until I’m completely finished and have a fairly large pile of rolled up coins in front of me that Kitten decides is a mountain that she must climb.

Six thousand twenty-five dollars and one cent.

Yup. There was one lone penny in that entire jar and it was at the very bottom, so I put it back in, because I feel like it’s good luck now.

When the time is right, God willing, I’m going to ask my best friend for his daughter’s hand. Yeah, that sounds fuckin’ crazy. I get it. But I want his blessing. We need his blessing. I’m going to make him see how much I love her, and how serious I am about committing to her one thousand percent. I have no idea when or how that’s going to happen, but in the meantime I’m going to find the perfect ring so I can propose when the time is right.

It’s Friday night and while I wish I could take my girl out to a nice restaurant for dinner, we had a great night being us. She met me at my house after work, and then we drove around for about an hour hanging up two hundred lost dog posters she had printed earlier using the laser printer we purchased. Then we set up a new trap for an older lost dog that’s been sighted a few times in a field a few miles away. On our way back home, we stopped at a drive through and ate cheeseburgers in the parking lot while listening to our favorite music.

By the time we get back to my place, it’s still relatively early so we decide to start watching season one of Vikings. Just as we get comfortable on the couch all tangled up together, there’s a knock on the door.

‘Shit,’ I curse, as she moves away so I can get up. I swear it better not be Sydni here to try to resurrect things.

When I open my front door I’m surprised to see Asher standing there.

‘Ash. Come on in.’ I try to act normal as I close the door behind him.

‘I saw your Jeep in the driveway, I’m glad you’re both here.’ He says to Kenzi, and I see the flash of fear in her eyes as she looks across the room at me.

Kenzi sits up. ‘Yeah, I helped Tor hang some flyers and we were just going to watch some TV before I went home.’

‘You want a beer? Iced tea?’ I ask him, trying to act normal. He knows Kenzi hangs out here all the time, so it’s not new or sketchy. It doesn’t scream WE’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

I hope.

‘Nah, I’m good, man.’ He takes a seat in the chair in front of the window and I go back to the couch but position myself at least two feet away from Kenzi. ‘I’ve been at the facility all day. She’s been squeezing my hand.’ He flexes the fingers of his right hand as he talks.

‘Daddy…the doctor said those are muscle spasms.’

‘Kenzi…let him finish.’ I say softly. Asher’s excited tonight, and even more hopeful than he usually is, and I don’t think we should push him down. Hope is all that keeps him going when it comes to Ember.

‘I know,’ he says. ‘That’s what they’ve said in the past, but it’s a little different now. She seems to be responding to my voice. The doctors are discussing the possibility of some experimental drugs.’

‘Ash, that’s great news. Do they think the drugs wil-‘

‘No,’ Kenzi pipes up. ‘You can’t let mom be some kind of guinea pig.’

Asher looks at Kenzi like she just slapped him. ‘Of course I would never allow that. But if they think it might bring her back, how can I not let them try? I can’t live with myself unless I know I’ve done everything possible to help her.’

‘Dad, you have. There’s nothing you can do. She’s brainde-‘

‘Kenzi, stop.’ I say, shaking my head. ‘There have been cases where patients have woken up. I’ve read about them.’

‘Exactly,’ Asher says. ‘Yeah, it’s fucking rare, but it does happen sometimes. It could happen with her. She’s young, and healthy, and she has a lot to live for. She wants to live. I know she does.’

Kenzi shakes her head. ‘I just don’t want you to get hurt, Dad. You know I want mom back just as much as you do. But all this stuff scares me. Experimental drugs? I don’t want anything bad to happen to either one of you. At least now…she’s peaceful. She’s sleeping.’ Her voice cracks with emotion and I reach across the couch and grab her hand without even thinking if it will raise a red flag.

Asher thinks nothing of it and that makes me feel like shit just as much as it gives me hope. I should probably let go of her hand, but I can’t. Not when she’s near tears and squeezing mine so tightly. And this – this – is what Asher is feeling. The love of his life squeezing his hand.

‘I know…but if she woke up and could talk, and move again…I could bring her home. We could hire a live-in nurse while she recovers.’

His hope is starting to climb to unrealistic levels and that’s not fair to him or Kenzi. Or Ember. So, I try to gently step in. There was a time a few years when we did this dance several times a week and none of us can live like that again.

‘Ash, she may not come back like that.’ I say quietly. I hate to kill his buzz in any way, but Ember suffered a severe brain injury. The chances of her ever being able to talk and make full sense are slim. ‘I think you need to really think about this long and hard and grill the shit out of the doctors about the experimental drugs and any case studies they have.’

‘I plan to. I’m just excited about any hope at this point. And I know she hears me. I can feel it. She knows I’m there.’

‘I’m sure she does.’ I agree, because I honestly do believe that wherever Ember’s brain has gone, her heart knows that he’s there with her.

I have an entirely new respect and understanding for the intense love that Asher feels for Ember now, because that’s how I feel about Kenzi. I would do anything for her and I’d never be able to give up on her.

‘Kenzi, why don’t you come with me next week? I know it makes you uncomfortable, but maybe if she hears your voice too it will help.’

I already know she’ll say no, and he does, too. Kenzi can’t handle seeing her mother like that and I don’t blame her at all. It’s not easy in any way to see someone you love hovering somewhere between life and death. After the accident, Kenzi would sit next to Ember’s bed for hours and just cry and beg her to wake up. After having a few meltdowns that required the staff to give her sedatives, her grandmother and her aunt insisted she stop going.

‘I can’t.’ She says tearfully. ‘Please, Dad… ‘

Fuck. I hate that I can’t put my arms around her and comfort her like I should be doing if this situation weren’t so screwed up. This is sheer torture.

‘Tor, tell him please, I can’t,’ she begs, and it’s not unusual for her to put me in the middle. She’s done it her entire life when she’s scared or upset. It just feels way worse right now.

‘Okay, let’s all just calm down,’ I say. ‘You know how uncomfortable she feels there, Ash. Why don’t you wait until after you talk to the doctors more, get some more info, and then we can decide if Kenzi should go. I’ll go, too,’ I suggest. ‘Maybe hearing all of our voices together will help, maybe she’ll remember the old times.’

Asher nods. ‘That’s a good idea. I’ll definitely be getting more information and meeting with the specialists. Kenzi, you know I don’t want to upset you. I would never make you do anything you don’t want to do.’

Kenzi stands and crosses the room to give him a big hug. ‘I know, Dad. I’m sorry. I love you and I just miss Mom so much.’

‘I do, too. That’s why I want to do whatever I can.’

I excuse myself and go into the bathroom to give them a few minutes alone. Once there, I stare at myself in the mirror and splash some cold water on my face. I want Ember to recover, and I know we all have to have hope and think positive, but I don’t want to see Asher and Kenzi get their hopes up only to have them shot to hell all over again. And I could never voice this to them, but what if Ember did wake up but was absolutely nothing like herself? What if she can’t speak, but instead moans and cries? What if she thrashes around and twists her body, instead of lying peacefully as she is now? They’ll never be able to cope with seeing her that way.

I leave the hall bathroom and check my bedroom real quick. It feels weird having Asher in my house, even though he’s been here more times than I can count. I’m worried something personal of Kenzi’s could be laying around in a place it never should be in. Like her panties tangled up in my bed sheets. Not that Asher would be in my bedroom, but still.

When I join them I’m glad to see they’re playing with the dog and the kitten and the mood is lighter and happier. Seeing them together in my living room playing with my pets only reminds me of how much I love them both and how I can’t even consider losing either one of them. I wish I could pull Kenzi into my arms and snuggle on the couch with her and have Asher join us for a movie and just be a happy family. We’ve done it a hundred times and now suddenly it’s all taboo and wrong.

When Asher tells us he’s going to head home, Kenzi tells him she’s going to stay for a while to finish watching our show and he hugs us both goodbye before he leaves, oblivious.

Betrayed.

I feel sick. Kenzi looks sick.

Somewhere in hell Satan has just pulled out a bag of marshmallows and is roasting them in my honor.

Kenzi looks at me with guilt, chewing her bottom lip after she closes my front door behind her father. ‘I’m sorry, Tor.’

‘We’re going to have to tell him, Kenzi.’

‘I know…after his mini tour though, please? He’s worked so hard on all the new songs. It’s not a long tour, a month, maybe? When he gets back from that we’ll sit down with him together and tell him. Or I’ll tell him alone, if that’s better.’

‘No,’ I snap. ‘We do it together.’

‘Okay,’ She fingers the necklace around her neck nervously. ‘I can’t even think about what he’s saying about my mom. Do you really think she’ll ever be better?’

Her green eyes plead at me, and I wish I could say yes. I want her to have both her parents back and have a normal, happy life. It’s all I’ve ever tried to give her—some normalcy and security.

‘I honestly don’t know, Angel. Your mom’s accident, the trauma to her head, and the brain activity afterwards was unusual. The body and the brain are a fuckin’ mystery; no matter how much doctors and scientists study it, there are always things that stump them. And unfortunately, there are times that no matter what, they can’t make someone better. Like your dad said, all anyone can do is try. But, miracles do happen.’

‘He thinks he can love her back to life, Tor. That’s what he believes.’

‘Ya know what, Kenz? I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he could.’

She launches herself into my arms and kisses me like I’ve never been kissed before. It nearly knocks me over, and it has nothing to do with her throwing herself at me and everything to do with the depth of the love I can feel pouring out of her every breath.

I want to push her down on the floor and kiss her lips until they bruise and bleed. I want to punish her for wanting me when she shouldn’t, and thank her for wanting and loving me with so much of herself when I need it.

Young love…first love is so innocent. So pure and trusting. So all encompassing. I shouldn’t be on the receiving end of that love from her at my age, but in all honesty, she’s my first love, too.