Piper shook her doctor’s hand. “Thank you so much.”
“My pleasure.” The doctor smiled. “I’ll let you get changed. If you have any other concerns, just call or come on in. Otherwise, I’ll see you at your checkup in two weeks.”
“Thank you again.” Piper waved as the doctor let herself out of the exam room. As soon as the door closed behind her, Piper rested back on the table, the paper crunching underneath her back. “Everything is okay.”
It sure as hell didn’t feel okay. As many times as the doctor had reassured us, what I was feeling right now was not okay. The image of Piper standing beside the toilet this morning was on a loop in my head.
Her face so white as she looked down at the water tinged red with blood.
The terror in her eyes, her unsteady hands as we hurried to get her dressed.
The sound of her panicked voice on the phone with the doctor.
Piper had been on hold with the doctor’s office as I’d thrown on some clothes, then loaded her into the car. The nurse had assured us that things were likely fine but to come in just in case. I’d already been racing down the highway at that point.
The thirty-minute drive to Kalispell had only taken twenty. If not for a few patches of early morning frost causing me to slow, I would have made it in fifteen.
A nurse had waited inside the door as we’d walked into the clinic. She’d taken us to an exam room where Piper had stripped off her clothes in a frenzy, donning an ugly, faded gown. As she’d climbed up on the table, I’d stuck my head out the door and hollered that we were ready.
The doctor had come in with a smile. It hadn’t helped steady my shaking hands. Neither had the good results from the exam, or the sound of the babies’ heartbeats on the monitor. My foot wouldn’t stop bouncing on the speckled linoleum, and the lump in the back of my throat wouldn’t stop choking me.
Things were definitely not okay.
The doctor suspected the blood was a normal side effect of sex. Piper had likely developed a polyp of sorts that had burst when we’d been together. It was normal. Everything was normal. The doctor had said normal about a hundred times.
Except this was un-fucking-normal. I couldn’t breathe. I stood from the stiff chair and went to the door.
“You’re leaving?” Piper’s head came off the table.
“Get dressed,” I ordered before escaping the room.
A nurse passed me in the hallway, smiling brightly. Most expectant fathers probably smiled back. She’d have to settle for a curt nod as I scanned the walls for an exit sign.
I found an arrow pointing to the left and followed it to another, making my way back to the waiting room. I let myself out of the clinic and jogged down the hallway that led me to the parking lot. Piper’s doctor’s office was attached to the hospital, and beyond the glass doors, an ambulance drove by.
The moment I pushed outside, the cold air assaulted my face. It froze the hairs in my nostrils and cooled the blood in my ears. The pressure in my chest was crushing, and the thin air wouldn’t fill my lungs. I spotted a bench on the sidewalk and stumbled toward it, collapsing on the icy boards.
Then I dropped my head into my hands and tried to breathe.
The darkness was coming back. The sun was rising, lighting a new day, but the black was creeping in on me. I could have lost it all again. Except it wasn’t someone else’s fault this time. There had been no accident. The person responsible was me.
I could have lost my boys. I could have lost Piper. And why? Because I’d wanted to have sex with her.
The entire reason we were here—why I was here, outside another hospital panicked and alone—was because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants.
“Sir?” A voice hovered above me. “Sir? Are you okay?”
In front of me, hot pink scrubs came in and out of focus. A nurse placed her hand on my shoulder, repeating her question.
The world was spinning too fast, and the air wouldn’t stay in my chest. The bench beneath me swayed like a ship riding out an ocean storm. I gripped the edge, holding on for dear life so I wouldn’t drown.
“I think he’s having a panic attack.”
“Oh my god.” Piper’s voice broke through the static buzz in my ears. “Kaine? Kaine, take a breath.”
I nodded, trying to breathe as she sat at my side. But my lungs, they just wouldn’t work right.
“Breathe.” Her hand rubbed up and down my back. “In and out. Breathe.”
The nurse’s hot pink scrubs disappeared from my periphery, but I didn’t turn. My eyes were locked on the blurry sidewalk beneath my feet.
I sucked in a gasp but it wasn’t enough oxygen. My heart was racing, and I was seconds away from blacking out when the nurse’s pink scrubs were back in front of me.
She shook out a brown paper bag and handed it to Piper, who put it over my face.
My hands covered hers, my eyes squeezing shut as I dragged in a ragged breath. The bag crunched and crackled as it constricted on my inhale, then expanded on my exhale. Seven more huffs into the paper sack and I finally had enough oxygen back in my bloodstream to open my eyes.
The nurse wasn’t alone anymore. Three others from the hospital had gathered on the sidewalk, crowding Piper and me on the bench.
I shied away from their attention, focusing on Piper while pulling the paper bag away from my face.
“Are you okay?” She hadn’t put on her coat in her rush to follow me outside.
I frowned, pushing off the bench. My legs were unsteady but not enough that I couldn’t stand or walk.
Piper stood too, and I yanked the coat out of her arms. Then I pulled the purse off her shoulder and held it while I handed her the coat. “Put this on.”
“Sir, do you—”
I shot the nurse a glare before pushing past her and the others. It was bad enough that Piper had to see me like that. I didn’t need a fucking audience as my life spiraled out of control.
Piper rushed to catch up while simultaneously putting on her coat, carrying her purse and saying thank you to the nurse. But I didn’t slow down.
Getting the hell away from the hospital was priority number one.
We got to the car and I didn’t open the passenger door for Piper like I normally did. I let her climb in herself while I hopped in the driver’s side, turned on the engine and got us gone.
The cab of the Tahoe was silent, much like the drive up had been. But my mind was whirling faster than the tires on the pavement.
One or two.
If we had lost the boys, I would have had to decide again. I would have had to put them in the ground.
One. We’d bury them together. Brothers should be together. And at least Piper and I had picked out names. Their headstones wouldn’t be unmarked.
“Kaine!” Piper hollered. “I said slow down.”
I blinked, glancing at the speedometer between my white knuckles. Then I backed off the gas. “Sorry.”
It would be ironic if I crashed this car, for more than one reason. Leaving the house was tempting fate. But staying home wasn’t safe either.
“I’m sorry.” Piper sighed. “I didn’t know this would happen.”
My silence was deafening. It sounded a lot like blame.
“I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”
Talk? If she only knew what she was asking. She had no idea how impossible it was for me to talk about everything that had happened. I’d lose my temper. I’d lose the control I’d worked so hard to keep. And she’d be right there in my warpath.
Look at what had just happened at the hospital. I couldn’t even control my own body.
Mom had been begging me for weeks on our phone calls to open up. She thought it would be healthy for me to talk about it with her or Piper, then let it go. She wanted me to find forgiveness and move forward.
How did you forgive someone who stole a piece of you? How did you forgive someone who you loved and trusted completely but hadn’t hesitated when the time came to stab you in the back?
Forgiveness? Not happening. Mom didn’t know what she was asking for either. Three years and the pain and rage I’d felt was as strong as ever. I’d just managed to bury it deep. If I let it go, I didn’t know what would happen. The last time I’d thought about him, I’d taken a chainsaw to a chair.
I could have killed myself or Piper that night.
“Where do you go?” Piper whispered. “When you get so lost in your own head, where do you go?”
Where did I go?
To the past. To the places and people who haunted me.
I broke my eyes away from the road as Piper swiped a tear from her cheek. The sadness on her face made everything worse. I was hurting her. I’d promised to care for her, and instead I was causing her pain. I wasn’t doing right by her or the boys.
When you were broken, breaking others wasn’t all that difficult.
Maybe it would be best if I kept my distance for a few more months. My stomach churned at the idea of leaving them. But what other choice did I have?
A few days apart would do us both some good. Things had happened so quickly; our lives had changed so much these past few months. We could each use time to process it all.
Piper swiped another tear. I hadn’t answered her question.
There was nothing to say.
I focused on the road, driving us safely home as Piper dried the occasional tear. When we pulled into the garage, she was out of the door before I shut off the engine. She slammed it closed behind her, then did the same with the door that led inside.
“Son of a bitch.”
I was ruining this. Just last night I’d told her that she was the most important person in my life. She’d asked me for a label, and I’d given her one. But who was I kidding? I didn’t know the first thing about being part of a couple.
I shut off her Tahoe and went inside. I’d expected to find Piper in the living room or kitchen, but as I passed the guest bedroom, the sound of sniffling and rustling clothes caught my attention. When I reached the doorway, I found Piper running back and forth between the closet and the bed.
She was taking my clothes out of the closet and putting them into the duffel bag that they’d come over in.
“What are you doing?”
“I think you need this.” She grabbed the stack of jeans she’d folded for me two nights ago when we’d been at the kitchen island, folding laundry. She tossed them on the bed, undoing all the folding.
Undoing us.
“Need what?”
“To run away.”
“What? No.” I stepped into the room, stopping her before she could go back to the closet for more. “I don’t want to run away.”
“But maybe you should.” She looked up at me with glassy eyes. “I mean, you just had a panic attack, Kaine.”
“No. I just . . . I just needed a second.” Panic attack sounded so serious. “It was just a shock.” Wasn’t it?
“No, it wasn’t. And it’s my fault. I’ve been pushing so hard, wanting you to open up to me on my timeline. But my timeline doesn’t matter. You matter. So maybe you need to run away. Get some space and get okay with everything. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here. If you decide you don’t want to talk, I’ll still be here.”
This woman. She’d figured me out so quickly.
Except she was dead wrong. I was dead wrong. I didn’t need space to come to terms with my past. What I needed was her.
I wanted her to have all my pieces, even the ugly, misshapen ones.
“I’m scared.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I’m scared too. I wake up every morning, wondering if this was a dream. I worry that I could lose it at any time. This is everything I’ve ever wanted, and it terrifies me because it could all be gone in a flash.”
“You don’t know what it feels like.” Piper might be scared, but her imagination couldn’t conjure the magnitude of fear I was living with. The pain of losing a child was unthinkable.
“No,” she said gently. “I don’t know the kind of pain you went through. I hope to God I never do. And I’m so sorry you went through that. But I do know what it feels like to lose someone you love.”
She did? “Who?”
Her eyes held mine. “You. I’m losing you.”
I sat on the edge of the bed, tugging her hand so she’d sit down next to me. “You’re not losing me.”
“I’m not?”
“Never. And I’m sorry. About last night, I shouldn’t have been so rough. And—”
“Stop. Please, stop,” Piper begged. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. I won’t feel guilty for last night, and I won’t let you either. You heard the doctor. Everything is normal.”
“It still scares me. I-I don’t know how to deal with some of these feelings. But I’d like to try if you’ll listen.”
She nodded.
I took her hand and stood from the bed. For this conversation, I wanted to be in a bigger room. I needed more space because the rage would inevitably return, and I wanted room to let it breathe.
Piper followed me without a word to the living room and took a seat on the couch. But instead of sitting next to her, I went to the chair across from the coffee table. As much as her touch calmed me, to look in her eyes did so much more.
“Remember how I told you Shannon was in a drunk driving accident?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Well, she wasn’t the one driving. And she wasn’t the one drunk. My brother was.”
Piper flinched. “You have a brother? All this time, you never . . .”
She trailed off, her brain getting ahead of her questions. Then her eyes got wide and her hand slapped over her mouth, muffling a gasp.
“My brother is five years younger than me. My parents got divorced just a few months after he was born. He wasn’t exactly planned since they were already separated at the time.”
I didn’t remember much from that time, other than Mom being exhausted a lot and falling asleep on the couch while I played. I remember Dad coming over to take me fun places, like the park in the summer or the sledding hill in the winter. I don’t think he’d ever really bonded with Isaiah before moving to Asia.
“Mom did her best to raise two boys on her own, but she worked a lot. And as I got older, I took on more responsibility, especially with Isaiah. It was just him and me at home after school and on Saturdays until Mom got home from work. He was younger, but he was my best friend too.”
“Was?” Piper whispered. “Did he—in the accident, did he . . .”
“Die? No. He made it out without a scratch.”
Piper sat on the edge of the couch, her hands resting on her stomach, waiting for me to continue.
“I should have known something was going on with Isaiah and Shannon. They were closer to the same age and had a lot of the same interests. He was always hanging around the house when she was home. They’d watch TV together or cook dinner together. I didn’t think anything of it at first. I thought he was just getting to know her for my sake.”
“But it was more?”
I nodded. “They were dating behind my back. Mom knew. Her parents knew. Even some of my friends.” Former friends. I hadn’t kept in touch with them after I’d moved to Lark Cove.
“Why wouldn’t they tell you?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “Maybe they thought I’d be mad or jealous. But they hid it and snuck around for months.”
They’d meet for meals or movies. They’d gone away for a couple of weekends together. Shannon had been complaining because she was too big to fit behind the wheel of her car comfortably, so Isaiah had started driving her places when I couldn’t. I’d thought it was nice of him, but it was just another one of their lies.
“He took her to dinner the night of the crash. Had too much to drink and still got behind the wheel. He wasn’t paying attention and ran a stop sign. They got T-boned by a one-ton truck. There was hardly anything left of her side of the car.”
The person who’d hit them hadn’t been injured either. But the incredible force of the collision had sent her compact car through the intersection and partway down the next block.
“Kaine,” Piper whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“He should have fucking protected them.” My hands fisted and I stood from the chair. “They were mine, and he should have taken more care. He should have told me from the beginning. And he should have just made her drive.”
Putting the blame on Shannon was impossible since she’d lost her life. Isaiah got the blame since he was the one to walk away.
It was his fault I’d lost my daughter.
And it was mine too. I’d been so consumed with work that I’d missed the signs. I’d worn rose-colored glasses where Isaiah was concerned.
His whole life he’d been reckless, and I’d been there to clean up his messes.
When he was eight, he spent an hour tossing a football against a window, sure it wouldn’t break. When it shattered, I boarded it up before Mom got home and told her it was just an accident.
When he was fourteen and got in a fight with one of the neighborhood kids that summer, I let him crash on the couch in my apartment to hide his black eye and busted lip for a week.
When he was seventeen and got busted at a party for drinking, I was the one who took him down to the courthouse and paid for his minor-in-possession ticket. Mom never knew.
I was the man who talked to him about sex. I was the man who taught him how to drive. I was the man who tried to make him a man. A good man.
Instead, he’d taken everything I’d had and then some.
I paced the room as the anger seeped into my veins. “He wasn’t just my brother. He was my friend. He was . . . I trusted him. And he betrayed me. In every possible way, after everything I did for him, he betrayed me.”
“And that’s why you didn’t tell me about him?” Piper asked. “Because you were hurt?”
“No. I don’t talk about him because I can’t talk about him. Not without going into a rage. You saw what I did with the chainsaw. What you didn’t see were the holes I punch in walls whenever I think about him. The countless broken dishes I’ve thrown against the floor. I never want to lose my control in front of you. Talking about him, thinking about him . . . it’s just better that I keep it in. Talking about him only brings out the worst in me.”
“Is that why you didn’t talk to your mom for all those years?”
I nodded. “She defended him. She said it was just an accident. She chose him over me. After that . . . I just couldn’t be around her.”
“So you left.”
“I came here. Did my best to shut out everything from that life. Me and Mom, we’re still trying to figure things out. We talk about neutral topics. Her job. You. The boys. But whenever the rest of it comes up, things turn red.”
“And where is your brother?”
“In prison.” Right where he belonged. Where he couldn’t destroy any other lives. Isaiah had been charged with vehicular manslaughter while under the influence and was currently serving a five-year sentence.
I had no idea how I’d deal with his release. I had no desire to see his face again or listen to his excuses. Mom would undoubtedly take his side, meaning I’d lose her again too. Isaiah would take and take and take, just like he always had.
My heart rate spiked as the rage spread through me cell by cell. I took a few deep breaths, wishing it away, but what I really wanted was to smash something. I needed something to crumble, like my world had crumbled all because of my brother.
“Kaine.” Piper’s soothing voice broke through the haze. “You have a right to be mad.”
“I hate him. He took everything from me.”
“I know.” She stood from the couch and crossed the room. Her arms wrapped around my waist as she pressed her ear to my heart. Her embrace chased the anger away. “But it’s not everything anymore.”
She was right. Now that I had Piper and the babies, everything took on a whole new meaning. I hated my brother. And I was still angry at my mother, though we were working on our relationship.
Except without my past, I wouldn’t have Piper. I wouldn’t have come to this mountain. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with my gorgeous neighbor.
“It almost killed me losing my daughter,” I admitted. “It broke my heart that Mom made excuses for Isaiah and took his side. It crushed me that he’d do something like that to me. And I didn’t love her, but losing Shannon was awful. But somehow, I lived through it. If anything ever happened to you or the boys, I wouldn’t . . . I wouldn’t survive it.”
“They’re going to be okay, Kaine. They’ll be incredible.”
I held her tighter. “Not just them. You. I wouldn’t survive without you.”
She looked up at me, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. And neither can you.”
“I’m here for good. Promise.”
“Don’t promise,” she whispered. “Prove it.”
Prove it.
I’d spend the rest of my life proving it. Starting today. “I love you.”
Surprise flashed across her face. “You—you do?”
“I want to marry you.”
Her mouth fell open.
“I want to share this life with you, Piper. Raise these boys. Live on this mountain together.” And that would be a hell of a lot easier if we were married. As soon as she agreed, we’d go pick out a ring. We had some work to do and some trust to build, but we’d get there in time.
“Seriously?” Her eyebrows creased. “You want to get married?”
“Is that a yes?”
A slow grin spread across her lips just before she laughed. “No.”
“No?” I jerked back.
“No. I’m not going to marry you.” She cupped my cheek, standing on her toes to brush a kiss across my mouth. Then she patted my stomach and walked to the kitchen. “I’m starving. Want to share some popcorn?”
“Popcorn? I just asked you to marry me.”
“And I said no.” She opened the refrigerator, getting out a carrot stick. She crunched one bite, then smiled. “I love you too, by the way.”
“Gee, thanks,” I muttered.
Piper took her carrot stick with her as she rounded the counter and walked toward the guest room. “Will you help me move all your clothes into my closet?”
“Yes. See how easy that is to say?”
She giggled, smiling at me again before disappearing down the hall. “Are you coming or not?”
“Coming,” I grumbled.
We weren’t done with this conversation. She wanted me to prove it?
I’d prove it.
I’d keep asking her to marry me until I got the answer I wanted.
