What just happened?
I’m sitting on my bed, naked and panting, wondering what-in-the-actual hell just happened.
I’m too shocked to let the embarrassment of being caught touching myself set in. I should be mortified, but instead, I’m pissed.
This infuriating man just came in here, practically promised to rock my world with his possessive touches and demanding words, only to walk away from me at the very last minute.
What changed? My mind replays our exchange and I know it’s something having to do with Ray. Just now, the thought of him makes me want to vomit, my stomach contracting with the distaste his memory conjures.
I shiver, praying the lawyer I hired files the divorce papers soon. I can’t be rid of the man fast enough. For all I care, he can keep everything in the home we shared. Some might think me a coward, refusing to face him, but I don’t care. I’d rather put him behind me and move on—I just hope he lets me.
It doesn’t matter if I’ll be alone again. I’d let loneliness swallow me whole before I’d get back with that asshole.
Getting under the covers, Austin’s words replay in my mind ‘You looking for me to fill the role of your missing Daddy?’
Ugh. The memory makes me vibrate with indignation. I’m strong. I’ve survived worse and I’ll survive this too. Yes, I may have a type—older with a penchant for control—and he definitely fits the role. But for fuck’s sake, the only reason he caught me calling out for Daddy was because he’d been the one I’d been thinking of, imagining the last time I said it making him all red and heated. Still, just because I was fantasizing about him doesn’t mean I’ll let him walk all over me.
There’s only one man I let destroy me, and that was my father. Never again will I let that happen. I walked away from Ray, and I’ll walk away from anyone after him, refusing to let anyone hurt me the way my dad did.
Rolling onto my side, I let the memory of the last time I saw him replay in my head; the pain serving as a reminder that I’m a survivor and that this too shall pass.
ANAYA, age ten
“Stay, Andres. At least for the baby.” Mom’s choked sob cuts through the sleepy fog I’m in. It’s definitely past my bedtime, but the familiar sounds of my parents fighting have woken me up.
Our house is small, just a one-bedroom apartment I share with both my mom and dad. The space is little, which means I should be used to hearing them fight, but it still makes me sick every time.
I sit up, rubbing my eyes and wishing this pain in my stomach would go away. It happens every time the fighting starts. My tummy gets all heavy and I want to throw up. It’s no different this time.
“She’s not a baby anymore, Mary. She’ll survive.” Dad’s words come out a little slurred and I know he’s been drinking. He says it makes the pain go away and right now I wonder if it will make mine go away too.
Even though my dad is mean sometimes, saying things that hurt, I still love him. Getting out of my little cot, I tiptoe to the door, wondering what he’s going to say about me now. Did I disappoint him?
“She may not be a baby anymore, but she’s still your baby. Don’t you think your leaving is going to hurt her?” Mom’s strangled words have me stumbling backward, my eyes stinging before they fill with tears.
Leaving? Is he leaving? No. That can’t be true.
Before I know what I’m doing, I’m ripping the door open only to freeze in place at what I see.
Dad is standing by the door, his hand gripping onto a tattered suitcase. God. He’s really leaving.
“No!” I run as fast as my little legs can carry me, my arms wrapping around one of my dad’s legs. Sobbing into his pant leg, I beg with all that I have, “Please don’t go Dad! I-I need you.”
To my utter horror, he shakes his leg, like he’s trying to throw off a stray dog and not his daughter. “Anaya. You’re ten now. You’re a big girl. You don’t need me.”
My chest hurts so much I feel like it’s going to fall into itself, leaving nothing but a hole where my heart was. That’s what he’s doing. His words are ripping my heart out.
Looking up into Dad’s eyes, I see they’re hazy—maybe he’s just had too much to drink? “You don’t mean that, Dad. You can’t. I’m your little girl.”
“My little girl.” He makes a sound, something between a scoff and a splutter. “I wanted a boy, and you’re what I got stuck with. But no more. A nagging wife and a whiny little girl will not chain me down.” He gives his leg one more hard shake before turning his attention to my mom who has been loudly crying this entire time. “Mary, do something good for once and get your daughter off my leg. I’ve got a train to catch.”
I shriek as Mom puts her hands on my shoulders, trying to pry me away from my dad. “No! Please, Momma. Don’t!”
Despite my protests, Mom keeps pulling at my arms, finally untangling me from Dad’s pant leg. As soon as my feet slip past his own, the man I’ve loved my entire life walks out the door without so much as a glance back or a goodbye.
I’m broken. Sitting on the floor while my mom comes up behind me, her own cries mixing with my own. How could he do this? Didn’t he love us? Were we not enough?
“Shhh. Baby. Momma’s got you.” Mom picks up and places me on her lap, one of her hands pressing my head into her chest as she rocks us back and forth. “Everything’s going to be alright. I promise. We’re strong. We’ll get through this. You’ll see.”
Her tears roll onto my cheek as the two of us just sit there on the floor, crying until we can’t cry no more. Hours upon hours must pass because the dark turns to dawn and the birds begin to chirp, singing a cheerful tune I want no part of.
My heart is gone, and in its place lives nothing but a hole. One I’ll never let another man through for as long as I live.
