For the past two days, Dad has been taking me on long tours of the property.
I remember bits and pieces from the past, but they’re barely thirty per cent of my childhood. It’s like my memories have been frozen and there’s no way to ‘unfreeze’ them.
Dad has been patient, talking about how both of us used to come to the garden after he returned from work. I was home-schooled at the time and he often helped me with my homework.
The topic of my mother has been on the tip of my tongue, but I stopped myself from mentioning her. One, I didn’t have enough courage. Two, Knox always joined us on our walks, challenging me about beating him in becoming Dad’s favourite. They’re jokes on the outside, but I can feel the rivalry deep inside him. While he appears lighthearted, Knox is in fact lethal when it comes to what he wants.
Being with him is fun, though. It reminds me of the friendships I left behind.
My chest aches at the thought. It pains me how much I miss Kim and Ronan and even Xander and Cole.
I miss the easy friendship we share, the laughs, and even the secrets lurking under the surface. The horsemen might be royalty in RES, but each of them carries a mystery so tangible, it’s enticing.
As for Aiden…
Nope.
I’ve been blocking him from my mind since I arrived here. He doesn’t deserve my thoughts or my tears. Not now, not ever.
Maybe if I keep numbing myself to him and his enigmatic existence, I’ll eventually erase him.
Delusional much, Elsa?
I squash that voice as soon as it rises.
“Do you remember that tree?” Dad motions to an old plum tree at the eastern side of the garden. “You used to climb it all the time and then you had trouble getting down, like a kitten.”
I smile, stopping in my tracks next to Dad.
Agnus needed Knox to help him with the house’s inventory. My foster brother — it’s still weird to think of him that way — only agreed when Agnus promised him the new expensive headphones he’s been eyeing.
For some reason, I think Agnus pulled Knox aside because he knows Dad and I need alone time.
I wrap the coat across my chest. It’s not raining, but the chilly weather hits me to the bones. The dark-grey clouds hang above us with a sinister promise of a starless night in the near future. Like Aiden’s eyes.
Nope. Not going there.
Why the hell does he have eyes the colour of the clouds before the rain? Now he’ll barge into my mind whenever it rains. In a country like England, that’s pure torture.
It’s like being caught in the eye of a hurricane, smashed and wrecked to pieces, and having no way out.
I push him out of my mind and focus on Dad.
He’s wearing a black, tailored suit but no coat. It’s like he doesn’t get cold.
Like Eli.
When we were little, my hands were ice cold, but Eli’s felt like cosy winters and hot chocolate.
We drank it a lot together. Hot chocolate, I mean.
A wave of sadness hits me at the memory of him — or the lack thereof. His face is still a blur, even now.
This is the first time Dad and I have spent time alone; it’s my chance to ask questions. Who knows when Knox will decide to join us again?
I motion at the empty space near the tree. “There was a swing there. Ma used to hold me in it and sing to me.”
Dad freezes as if I’ve just spilt a bucket of ice water over his head.
I tense like a rigid cord. What have I done? Did I say something wrong?
“You remember.” It’s not a question, more like an observation — and not a very happy one at that.
“A little.” A long sigh heaves out of me as if I haven’t released a breath in ten years. “I know Ma wasn’t mentally stable and she became worse after Eli drowned. I know all about your bet with Jonathan King, the Great Birmingham fire, and Aiden’s kidnapping.”
A gush of wind blows my hair and my coat back. I grit my teeth against the cold and… something else.
I didn’t mean to blurt it out in one go, but I guess my thirst for the truth got the better of me.
Dad remains motionless, but I’m not sure if it’s due to shock or contemplation.
“Your mum never wanted to hurt you, princess. She was mentally unwell. People do things they don’t mean when they suffer from mental illnesses.”
“But she did hurt me, Dad.” My voice trembles like the tree branches. “She hit me on the back with a horsewhip.”
“She… did?”
The tick in his jaw almost makes me want to stop talking, but I don’t. I’ve been silent for ten years, and now that I started speaking, it’s impossible to go back. I owe myself this much.
Tears fill my eyes as I probe my useless head for answers. “I think it was when she found me near the basement. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you two to fight.”
“Princess…”
“She tortured Aiden,” I blurt. “He was a child, Dad. He was as old as Eli at that time, and he had red marks all over his skin and was chained to the wall. Did you know that he still has those scars? His back and ankle are a witness to Ma’s abuse.”
The need to cry for Aiden hits me out of nowhere. True, he’s a monster now, and I won’t ever forgive him, but that doesn’t deny what happened to him as a child.
Ma ruined his innocence.
She smashed and crushed it to the ground, leaving a broken boy in her wake.
No wonder he’s chosen to be a monster. In his warped logic, being a monster is better than being a weak mess.
I can’t even blame him.
Deep down, I want to cry for the little boy he used to be. The boy with tousled, black hair and metal eyes.
That boy was my friend, my light in the darkness.
Eli sent him to me.
A sigh rips from Dad. “That was my fault.”
“Your fault?”
“Kidnapping Aiden was only supposed to be a scare. He should’ve returned like the other two boys if I made sure of it personally.”
“You mean Ma kept him without telling you?”
“With Reginald’s help.”
“U-Uncle Reg?”
Dad takes my hand in his and leads me to a bench nearby. I follow him like a lost puppy, my head wrapped in knots so complicated, it’s hard to think straight.
Uncle Reg helped Ma kidnap Aiden.
The thought bounces in my head like a wrecking ball. I understand the words, but I can’t wrap my mind around them.
Both of us sit on the wooden bench that smells of fresh paint. Dad angles me towards him so we’re facing each other. “I wanted you to get used to home before any talk about the past, but I don’t have a choice now. You might never see your mother the same after I tell you this.”
“You can’t make me hate Ma more than I already do, Dad.”
He winces but doesn’t comment. Perhaps, like me, Dad recognises just how much she ruined our lives.
“You have to understand that Eli’s death hit your mother hard. Before we got married, Abigail suffered from manic episodes, depression, and anxiety. She didn’t like doctors and often hid her medicines. Sometimes, she stopped using them altogether. When she got pregnant with Eli and gave birth to him, she didn’t need her pills anymore. It was like she had found purpose in life. So when he died, her purpose died with him. It’s safe to say we all lost a part of ourselves that day.”
I inch closer to him and wrap my hand around his, silently communicating my support.
“Your mother’s only way of survival was to imagine Eli was still alive. Two months after his death, she brought a boy home and told me she had found Eli in the market. I gave him back to his parents and apologised. Then, she started doing it behind my back with Reginald’s help. That scoundrel did anything for money. He was smart, too, and only brought her homeless, orphaned, or runaway boys because no one misses them. Abigail’s only condition was that they needed to look like Eli.”
My frown deepens. “I vaguely remember that.”
The pieces slowly come together.
I used to call Uncle Reginald a superhero because the monsters disappeared when he came along.
In my small mind, I used to categorise Ma’s manic episodes as monsters. She wore white, hugged me to death, and took me to the lake. When she was white Ma, she never smiled and always seemed out of this world.
She was a monster.
However, when Uncle Reg came along, she wore her red dresses and put on red lipstick and makeup. She was stunning. She smiled more and had so much energy it baffled me sometimes.
She took me outside and played with me. She read me stories, laughed, and joked.
She was my ma.
My eyes widen and my heart nearly hits the grass.
Does that mean Ma only became cheerful when Uncle Reg brought her a boy from the streets?
“What did she do to them?” My voice is so haunting, it scares the shit out of me.
“Hug them and tell them she’s glad her Eli was home.” He sighs. “She never hurt them, so I allowed her to keep that habit.”
“You allowed her?” I squeak.
“They came for lunch and stayed with her for a few hours. When the day was over, they took money and clothes and left. It was a win-win. The boys had a meal and shelter for the day and your mother was happy.”
“Wouldn’t it have been better if you took her to a shrink?”
“I did. I even left her in a psychiatric hospital under their recommendations, but she got worse and started cutting herself. I had to bring her back. At the time, I was still grieving Eli. I couldn’t lose Abby, too.”
Abby.
He still calls her that even after all this time.
I mull his words over, but I can’t form clear thoughts. For a moment, Dad and I watch the distance, the freezing wind and the darkening clouds.
Those grey, grey clouds.
Screw you, clouds. Why do you have to add to my misery?
“Ma hurt them at some point, didn’t she?” My voice is barely audible. “Aiden was tortured, Dad.”
“At first, she only had lunches with them and talked to them about their day. Those street urchins loved her. Abby was kind and patient and had a knack in dealing with children.”
“What changed?”
He runs a hand over his face and wipes his forefingers over his brows. “I don’t know. She escalated, I think.”
“Escalated?”
“One day, I came home and found her sitting in the bedroom. She was singing and brushing her hair with blood all over her hands. I ran straight to your room, scared she did something to you. Thankfully, you were sleeping safely.”
“W-What happened?”
His jaw clenches and I recognise the gesture as anger. Dad doesn’t show his emotions often, and I probably got my blank façade from him. “I found two children in the basement. They were on the verge of famine and their knees were scraped and cut horizontally. It was horrific.”
“Two of them?”
He throws a fleeting glance in my direction. “You saw them back then, but you don’t remember.”
“Were they… Alive?”
“Yes. The wound wasn’t fatal, but they were starving and on the verge of dying. Abigail usually fed the children and never laid a hand on them. When I asked her why she did that, she said they didn’t have Eli’s injury from when he fell off his bike so she fixed it.”
I gasp and cover my mouth with my free hand “And you still allowed her near children?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “Not after that incident.”
“Thank God.”
“She took it out on you, princess.” He squeezes my hand in his. “I tried to protect you as best as I could, but I failed.”
“Dad, don’t say that.”
“I admit failing you. If I could go back in time, I would’ve locked her in the psychiatric ward.”
I shake my head. “I know you couldn’t. It was right after Eli’s death. If you and I lost both of them so close together, it would have ruined us.”
“It would’ve been worth it. At least, I wouldn’t have been separated from you for ten years.” He pauses. “And she wouldn’t have done what she did to Aiden.”
I perk up, blinking away the tears. “Why did she do that to him?”
“After the incident with the two children, Abby remained without a ‘fake Eli’ for three months. It messed her up badly so when she finally had Aiden, she took it out on him.” He runs a palm over his face. “I was busy with the aftermath of the Great Birmingham fire, HR, and police procedures so I didn’t come home for a while. If I did, none of this would’ve happened. Doesn’t matter anyway. What-ifs are…”
“Useless,” I say with him.
We smile with an edge of sadness at one another.
Dad taught me it’s useless to run after what-ifs when everything is said and done.
“We have each other now, princess. Nothing will keep us apart.”
The first droplet of rain hits my nose.
“Come on, let’s get you inside.”
We hurry in the direction of the house, and for a moment, I imagine myself as the little girl who hung onto Dad’s hand with all her might, giggling and screaming with delight as we ran in the rain.
The memory sends bolts of happiness through me.
Dad might be ruthless to the rest of the world, but to me, he’s just Daddy
However, I’m not that seven-year-old child anymore. I’m not blind to the facts in front of me.
For one, although Ma tortured Aiden, Dad was the one who kidnapped him. He was the one who started the vicious circle of ill fate between the Steel and King families.
Or maybe Jonathan is the one who started it by setting a fire that, while unintentional, killed dozens of people.
Jonathan and Ethan’s ambitions and hunger for power are the reasons behind this entire feud.
However, Ma was the one who tortured Aiden and took the fucked up situation a notch higher. She was the reason Alicia drove in the middle of a storm and crashed into the cliff.
Ma is the reason Aiden became a cruel monster.
My head hurts from the entire situation.
Dad’s phone rings as soon as we’re at the entrance. He takes a look at it then smiles at me. “Go in first. I have to take this.”
On my way inside, his no-nonsense voice drifts after me. “Yes. I want no mistakes… Perfect… Friday night…”
Agnus nods at me on his way to the kitchen. I smile back, but it’s awkward at best.
Not only was he watching me the entire time on Dad’s behalf, but he’s also Uncle Reg’s twin.
One was Ma’s supplier of orphan boys and the other is Dad’s right hand.
Weird dynamics.
I take the stairs and stop at the sound of music coming from Knox’s room across from mine.
He must’ve finished the job for Agnus.
Now that I think about it, we haven’t talked about returning to RES. Dad said he’ll move us back to a private school here in Birmingham; Teal and Knox’s school.
I haven’t made up my mind yet, but that’s probably due to the load of information my brain is trying to process.
If I talk to Knox, we might come to an agreement.
The sound of metal music blasts from the room. I knock, but there’s no response. He probably hasn’t heard me because of the music.
I push the door with my fingertips and then stop.
Knox is splayed on his back on the bed, wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt and shorts. He’s laughing out loud while looking at his phone.
I’d bet a hundred he’s going through memes.
Teal rolls her eyes from her position at his desk. She’s going through some programming software and huffs as Knox laughs.
She has denim shorts without any stockings this time. I strain to read the quote on her blacktop.
A scar means I survived.
Just like mine and Aiden’s scars.
The words hit me harder than I like to admit.
We have those scars because we survived. We’re survivors.
Why the hell do I keep finding things to share with that bastard?
Teal hasn’t been exactly warm to me since I arrived, but she hasn’t been hostile either. She’s basically been ignoring me.
Both Knox and Dad told me to give her time, so that’s what I’m doing.
I’m curious about how they ended up with my father. They call him Dad, but neither of them is his biological child — per his confirmation the other day.
I’m about to knock again and go inside when something in my peripheral vision catches my eye.
A teddy bear sits on the shelves. It appears out of proportion for Knox’s room. The walls are all black and filled with metal graffitis about Metallica, Slipknot, and Megadeth. There shouldn’t be any teddy bears.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no…
This scene is familiar.
Way too familiar.
A shiver goes through my entire body as my mind jerks to the past.
“Daddy? Who are they?”
“Elsa? What are you doing here?” Dad stares down at me.
I grab his leg and lean to the side to stare at the door.
Two pairs of eyes look at me. One is light, the other is pitch black like the night outside. Their faces are all dirty like they haven’t showered for days. Their dark hair flies all over the place as if they don’t brush it.
I hug my teddy to my chest so tight, I’m sure I suffocate him.
“They just need help, princess.” Dad crouches in front of me. “Now go back to your room.”
“They don’t have a teddy,” I say.
“No, they don’t,” Daddy says with sadness.
I frown, tears filling my eyes.
Everyone should have a teddy bear. Mine is my favourite toy. Daddy gave it to me when I was three and I never leave without him. He’s my sleeping buddy and my friend. We have tea parties together.
But Daddy says they need help, so they need Ted more than me.
“Here,” I offer them Ted. “He’ll help you. Take care of him, okay? He doesn’t like to be cold and he doesn’t like swimming.”
The one with lighter eyes takes it from my hand with a sheepish smile.
My gaze falls to their knees. They’re all red and bloody.
“Daddy! They’re hurt!”
I’m thrown back to the present with a gasp. I stare at the scene in front of me with bugged eyes.
My gaze bounces between Ted, Knox, and Teal.
My heart nearly stops beating when I squint. Both Knox and Teal have faded horizontal scars on their right knees. Just like the scar Eli had after falling from his bike.
It’s them.
Knox and Teal are the first ones Ma hurt.
Aiden and I aren’t the only survivors.
