I woke to silence, and an empty bed. I rolled over, staring at the rumpled sheets beside me. I buried my nose in the pillow, soaking in Fabiano’s familiar scent, letting it take me back to the time when I’d been able to pretend I didn’t know what he was.
Regret came over me. Last night when he’d wanted me, I should have let him. I should have allowed us that one night, that one moment to cherish. Too late now.
I allowed myself to lie in the feather soft bed for a few more minutes before I sat up, my legs dangling over the edge of the bed. Everything smelled fresh and clean, and the room was flooded with light. This was nothing like the places I’d grown up in and lived now. It had seemed like a dream at times. Fabiano’s attention. That someone like him could want me. I should have realized it wasn’t meant to last. Dreams always came with a price for girls like me. But the time for dreaming was over now.
I quickly gathered my clothes and got dressed. I allowed myself a couple of seconds to admire the Las Vegas Strip stretching out below the apartment. This luxury was something I’d felt uneasy with the first time I saw it. I’d seldom had more than a few bucks and here I was standing in an apartment that had cost more than I’d make as a waitress all my life. Beautiful things are always taken from you, that’s what my mother used to say. I hadn’t wanted to believe her, even though this thing between Fabiano and I seemed too good to be true in a city ruled by someone like Remo Falcone. And now her warning came true.
In the elevator, I closed my eyes, reliving everything that had happened since I’d set foot on Las Vegas ground. I wasn’t that girl anymore. Fabiano had changed me but I couldn’t change him, wasn’t sure I wanted to.
Fabiano. He was on his way to Remo again, on his way to do the man’s bidding. I was grateful that he’d protected me; that he’d saved me, but the only reason why I had needed saving was because of the one thing he’d sworn his life to: the Camorra.
My father was responsible for his debts. My father had set me up. I knew all that. But my father, at least, had his addiction as an excuse. Fabiano, however, was in control of his actions. He chose to be Remo’s Enforcer. He chose the Camorra every day anew. He chose darkness and violence. He chose this life. And now it was my turn to make a choice.
I could admit that I was scared of my emotions for him, had been from the start. Over the years, I’d watched my mother fall for one horrible guy after the other, dragging her deeper and deeper into her drug addiction. Everything had started with her first bad choice: my father who had turned her into a whore.
Fabiano was a man people always ever warned me about, and yet I couldn’t stay away from him. His family had shaped him just like mine had shaped me. We were two sides of the same coin. Perhaps that was why I knew I needed to leave as long as it was still a possibility. But part of me didn’t want to go. There was nothing out there waiting for me. I was turning my back on something I’d longed for all my life: love.
I took a bus back home even though Fabiano always urged me to take a taxi, but I was out of cash, except for the few coins I’d found on the kitchen counter in Fabiano’s apartment. I’d handed Remo everything I had yesterday. Now I had to start from zero. If things kept progressing the way they had, I’d never be able to pay the tuition for college.
Perhaps I wanted too much out of life.
I hesitated in front of the door to our apartment. He was dead. And in some way it was my fault.
I took a deep breath before I moved inside. The smell of fresh coffee wafted over to me and relief filled me. At least, Mom was there. I quickly rushed into the kitchen to find my mother hunched over a cup of coffee. She looked up. There was a dark bruise on her cheek. I touched the spot. “What happened?”
“Your father and I got in an argument yesterday morning. He wanted money but I told him I didn’t have any.”
I dropped my hand. To think that I had risked my life for him. That because of him I’d been forced to see Fabiano’s darkest side.
He paid for his crimes. Fabiano made him pay.
Her glassy eyes scanned me from head to top. “Where is your father?”
“Gone,” I said hoarsely. “Dad is gone.”
“Gone?”
“He killed him because of me,” I admitted, and it felt good to voice the truth.
I put a hand down on my mother’s thin shoulder. She didn’t look sad. There was relief. “He got himself killed. Bets. Always bets and gambling. I told him it would kill him.”
“Yes, but in the end Fabiano killed him because of me. For me. To protect me.”
Mom’s blood-shot eyes were too knowing, and for once I wanted her drug haze. “That the one you love? The one with the cold blue eyes?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“I thought he treated you well.”
“He did,” I said.
“Man like him usually don’t.”
“I have to leave.”
“Because of him?”
Because I loved him despite what he was.
“Because if I stay I won’t get the future I’ve wanted all my life,” I tell her instead.
“Sometimes the future we thought we wanted isn’t the future we need.”
I shake my head. “He isn’t a man I should love. That’s why I need to leave.”
Mom tilted her head. “Can’t run from love.”
It made no sense to talk to her about this. Every life choice of hers had been a mistake. We both knew it. “You have to come with me, Mom. You can’t stay here. Alone.”
She shook her head. “I got to pay off my debts to the Camorra. And I like it here. This apartment is better than the last one we had.”
“It’s Dad’s apartment.”
“Now it’s mine,” Mom said.
“Mom,” I gripped both of her shoulders, trying to make her see reason. “If you stay here, I can’t protect you.”
She smiled. “You have no business protecting me, Leona. I am your mother.”
“Mom—”
She stood. “No, for once, let me be the mother. If you have to leave, then do. But I can’t run again.”
“The Camorra will hurt you if you don’t pay them. You should come with me, Mom. We can start over.”
“Leona, it’s too late for me to start over. And what can they do to hurt me that hasn’t been done to me before? I’ve lived through it all, and I’m still here.”
I stared at her. She was still here, but only because she numbed everything with drugs.
“Has he hurt you?”
It took a moment before I understood whom she meant. “Fabiano? He hasn’t hurt me. But he hurts other people.”
“If he’s good to you, why leave?”
Fabiano had been the first person, who had taken care of me, but he was also the man who was taking me down a path I shouldn’t follow.
I reached for the cup of coffee. My hands shook as I brought the cup up to my mouth and took a long sip.
I had to leave. I closed my eyes against the sense of hopelessness that washed over me. I’d never really thought Las Vegas was my final destination but I’d hoped I could use it as my starting point for something new and better.
Now I was even worse off than when I’d arrived in this damned city with my backpack and flip-flops. I didn’t have any savings and not only that, now I’d even lost my heart to a man whose own heart only beat for the Camorra. A man who was brutal and dangerous. A man who would eventually be my death because he couldn’t possibly keep me safe and not betray his oath.
Still a small stupid voice asked the same question my mother had: why leave? That was probably the same voice my mother had listened to every time she’d gone back to a pimp after he’d apologized for beating her to a bloody pulp. Perhaps Fabiano had been right on the night of our first encounter about our DNA determining most of our decisions. Perhaps my mother’s genes would always prevent me from living a normal life.
My eyes were drawn back to her wiry form, hunched over the table again. She wasn’t looking at me anymore instead she was peeling off more of red her nail polish. Her hands were shaking. She needed a shot. She raised her eyes.
“You don’t have any money for me before you leave?”
No. This wasn’t my future. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
She nodded. “It’s okay. Just leave and be happy.”
Be happy.
I didn’t say anything. I grabbed a quick shower, feeling a bone-deep tiredness that didn’t have anything to do with sleepless nights. I’d leave Las Vegas behind. I’d leave Fabiano behind, and all that he stood for: Blood and darkness and sin.
I leaned in the doorway to the kitchen. “I’m leaving,” I told my mother. She looked up. “And you won’t come back?”
“I can’t.”
And she nodded, as if she understood, and perhaps she did. After all, we’d moved after every of her breakups and never returned.
“I have to go now,” I said. I went over to her and kissed her cheek. She smelled of smoke, and faintly of alcohol. I wasn’t sure if I would see her again.
Thirty minutes later I arrived at Roger’s arena. I headed directly for Cheryl who was as usual early. Her affair with Roger kept her busy until the early mornings most days. Sometimes I thought she lived in the bar. The moment she spotted me stark relief filled her face and she rushed over to me, grabbed my arm and dragged me toward a booth. “Are you alright, Chick?” she asked in a worried tone. I was startled by her reaction.
She pulled back. “Heard what happened to your father.”
I stiffened. I doubted she had heard what really happened.
“It was Fabiano, wasn’t it?”
I looked away.
“I told you he was dangerous, Chick. But don’t blame yourself for what happened to your father. He had it coming for a long time. It’s a miracle he lasted that long with all the betting and gambling.”
“Can you give me some money?”
She narrowed her eyes. “What happened to the money you earned? Did your no-good bastard of a father spent it on bets?” She crossed herself as if that would make her insulting a dead man better.
“Please, Cheryl.” I didn’t tell her I’d pay her back because I didn’t think I could. I’d never return to Las Vegas, and if I sent her money, the risk remained that Fabiano would trace it back to me.
“You wanna run, right?”
I nodded. “I have to.”
She pressed her lips together. “He won’t be happy about it.”
“It’s my life. My choice.”
Cheryl touched my cheek in an almost motherly gesture. “Chick, it stopped being your choice the moment he first laid eyes on you and decided he wanted to have a piece. He won’t let you go unless he loses interest.”
“I have to leave,” I said again.
“What happened to your father finally made you see what kind of man he is?”
She must have seen something on my face because her expression softened. “Did he hurt you too?”
I bit my lip with a small shake of my head. I couldn’t divulge in her. What had happened between Fabiano and me had to remain my secret. How could I explain to her that I’d fallen for someone like him?
“If I give you money and he finds out…” She trailed off.
I hadn’t even considered that. I pulled away and nodded. “You are right. I can’t drag you into this. You warned me from the start. I didn’t want to listen. Now I have to deal with the consequences.”
She sighed, then grabbed her purse and pulled out a few bills. “One hundred enough for you?”
I searched her face. Did she really want to do this?
She thrust the money at me. “Don’t give me that puppy dog look, Chick. Just take the money and run as fast as you can, and don’t you dare coming back.”
I took it hesitantly, then pulled Cheryl into a tight hug. After a moment of surprise, she squeezed me back. “Can you keep an eye on my mother? Just now and then? I know it’s a lot to ask, but—”
“I will,” she said firmly, then pushed me away. “Now go.”
And I did. I turned around and didn’t look back.
