COMPLETE AND UTTER SILENCE SETTLES, so profound that I swear I can hear Cass’ thoughts racing around in his head as the pieces of one giant, deceitful puzzle fall into place.
The only thing permeating the quiet; his question echoing off every nook and cranny, hanging in the air threateningly. Why is there a picture of my sister in your wallet?
Nick keeps casting remorseful glances my way but it’s not his fault, it’s mine. I chose to keep everything a secret, and now it’s blowing up, like everyone warned me it would.
The photo falls from Cass’ shaky hand, the incriminating evidence fluttering to the floor. I glance down and wince at the sight of bare skin. There is truly no explaining ourselves out of this one. There is nothing that hides the fact I am completely naked.
Perched on a bed with my knees pulled up to my chest, my bare back is to the camera, my content face visible as I glance over my shoulder at the man behind the camera. The more intimate parts of my naked body are hidden behind strategically placed limbs but glaringly obvious are the hickies littering my skin, the fucking fingertip-shaped bruises on my hips.
It would be a nice photo. It’s reckless position in Nick’s wallet would send a little thrill through me. If it hadn’t landed me in deep, deep shit.
“Cass,” my voice comes out weaker than I intended, laced with guilt, and my legs shake as I stand and step toward him, “I can explain.”
Cass steps back. Usually warm brown eyes burn into me, suddenly terrifyingly dark and unfamiliar.
“I asked you,” he says slowly, voice rife with accusation, confusion painting his features. “I asked you if anything was going on.”
“I know.” He’s right. He did. After the Sam reveal, when he found me in Nick’s bed, he asked me point-blank and I swept it away like it was absurd. Like he was a fool for even suggesting it. “Fuck, I know, please let me-”
“You lied to me.”
He’s right, again. I did. Repeatedly. Excessively.
Cass looks away from me with a grimace as though the sight of me pains him. Confusion and hurt turn to fury when his gaze lands on Nick, his fists clenching by his sides. In the blink of an eye, Jackson is standing between the two of them, a hand on each other’s chests, a human barrier.
Three best friends in a stand-off. Because of me.
I think I’m going to vomit.
A warm hand slips into mine, dark eyes floating into view and offering me comfort that only makes me more nauseous because it’s comfort I don’t deserve. Avoiding Kate’s gaze, I focus on the trainwreck, the wreck I caused.
Cass is vibrating with barely contained anger as he surveys Nick, waiting for him to explain himself like I tried to do. When he doesn’t, Cass seeks answers on his own. “How long have you been fucking my sister?”
Every single person in the room collectively winces at Cass’ crass words. Except for Nick; he remains a sea of calm, refusing to give Cass the reaction he’s baiting him for. The only sign he hears Cass is his fingers twitching at his side, a flash of annoyance rippling through his muscled body.
“Well?” Cass scoffs. “How long has my sister been your dirty little secret?”
Golden eyes flaming as Nick squares his shoulders, a lip curling in disgust. “It’s not like that.”
“Bullshit,” Cass spits and takes a threatening step forward. Nick mimics his movement, his temper flaring dangerously.
Jackson springs into action, gently shoving each of them back. “Both of you, calm down.”
The pleading command only seems to rile Cass up more. He knocks Jackson’s hand away roughly and turns his furious gaze on him. “Don’t tell me to calm down. How would you feel if he was fucking around with your sister?”
“That’s not what this is.” The second the words leave his mouth, Jackson realizes his mistake. With a wince, he glances at me, mouthing a silent apology.
Shit.
A moment later, Cass frowns, his question heard before he even asks it. “How the fuck would you know?”
I swear I can hear everyone’s hearts thumping in anticipation as the awful realization slowly hits Cass. “You knew,” he drags out the words slowly, like the possibility of them being true is foreign to him, unimaginable.
Jackson’s guilty gaze says all that needs to be said.
Cass’ head whips towards the rest of our friends, staring them each in the eye accusingly. “You all knew?” There’s a pleading note to his voice, as if he’s begging them to tell him he’s wrong, that no one else knew, that it was mine and Nick’s secret that Jackson somehow got dragged into.
I wish they could give him that.
But they can’t, and it’s like I see his heart break in two as he uncovers another secret. He hides his dejected expression behind a mask of anger, focusing all that rage on Nick. “You need to stay away from her,” he demands with deadly clarity, lethal finality. “Stay away from both of us.”
Nick meets his demand with a stubborn shake of his head. “I can’t do that.”
“And why not? What, you’re fucking in love with her or something?” he spits sarcastically, snickering under his breath as though the mere idea is ludicrous. He’s scornful and angry and completely oblivious to how loaded his question is.
Nick says nothing. He doesn’t have to say anything. The look on his face says it all, and I see the exact moment Cass recognizes it.
For a split second, my brother lets his mask break, and all the hurt that shines through makes my eyes water and my chest ache. “You’re in love with her,” he breathes, and it’s amazing how words that gave me an indescribable high when they were uttered for the first time now sink in my stomach like a lead balloon. How I feel a rush of guilt now instead of a spark of joy.
When Nick nods, Cass’ shining eyes flit to me. “And you’re in love with him.” It’s a statement, not a question, and I am powerless to do anything but nod shakily. “And you didn’t tell me.”
“I didn’t know how,” is my weak, pathetic excuse.
“Amelia, it’s me.” His voice breaks as he scrubs his hand over his jaw in frustration. God, he looks so fucking heartbroken. We tell each other everything, is what his disoriented expression says. I told him about my first kiss, my first time, my first fucking period. So why not this?
A beat of silence passes before he steels himself. “How long?”
My answer comes out in a quiet, shaky whisper. “Thanksgiving.” The night on his kitchen counter when the lying and pretending and betrayal began.
Months.
We’ve been lying to him for months. I’ve been lying for months.
“So Christmas, New Year’s, this entire fucking weekend, you were sneaking around?” I can only nod, too much of a coward to even look at him. “Did you even go to your dad’s place?”
Tears burn my eyes.
He’s not even yelling and I hate it. I want him to yell, to scream at me, to curse me out because I deserve it and this silence is a million times worse.
Abruptly, Cass turns on his heel and tears out of the house, the front door slamming behind him. I’m on my feet and flying after him before anyone can stop me, tears streaming down my face as I follow him outside calling his name. “Cassie, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t.” He whirls around to face me and stabs a finger in my direction. “What if it was the other way around, huh? What if I’d been sneaking around with your best friend for months? What if every single one of your friends had been lying to you for months?”
“I know,” I cry pathetically. “I know and I’m so sorry.”
This is happening all wrong. I was supposed to tell him. It was supposed to come from me in private, not with a fucking audience, not like this.
Anger and hurt fight for dominance within my brother’s expression. “You know, I suspected something was going on but I brushed it off. I thought ‘nah, there’s no way. Amelia would tell me.” A bitter laugh wracks his body. “I fucking thanked him for taking care of you.”
“Please, can we talk?” I beg, all but dropping to my knees at his feet. “Let me explain, I…” I don’t get to finish my sentence because Cass is stomping towards his car. The door slams shut behind him and before I can comprehend it, he’s driving away, leaving me sobbing on the driveway.
This was not supposed to happen like this.
The drive home is solemn.
Kate and Sydney sit up front, exchanging worried glances and whispered exchanges that I don’t even bother to try listen to. I’m sandwiched between Luna and Ben in the backseat, a hand in each of theirs, brushing off the occasional comforting word that I don’t want to hear because I don’t deserve them.
My mind is racing, so many conflicting thoughts swirling around and driving me insane.
I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. I know that. I should’ve told him the second something happened, I could’ve avoided all of this so easily.
The selfish part of me tries to rationalize my actions. Wonders if Nick and I would even be together if I told Cass. He would’ve been dead set on separating us, at least I was right about that much. My altruistic side wouldn’t change a thing; half the things that happened between Nick and I would’ve never even happened if it weren’t for us sneaking around, and sacrificing that is not a risk I’d be willing to take.
But that look on Cass’ face… Pure and utter devastation. The last time I saw that look, one of his best friends died. I suppose, in a way, yet another best friend has been taken from him and I’m responsible for it again.
I barely notice when we pull up outside our apartment, only alerted by Ben gently nudging me out of the car. Sydney offers me a sad smile before she drives away, leaving the somber trio to steer me inside. Before I know it, I’m in my bed, cocooned between Kate and Luna with Ben stretched out at our feet.
We sit in awful stifling silence that I think we all hate but no one knows how to break. I want to ask them to go check on Cass but my mouth isn’t cooperating, fearful to open in case the only thing that comes out are sobs. Instead, I stay quiet and wrack my brain for fights with Cass, trying to think of our worst ones, trying to minimize this one. There aren’t many. Childish, petty, sibling arguments that were solved as quickly as they began.
There was one after the accident when I was spiraling that feels scarily similar to this one. He didn’t yell at me. He was quietly angry with me for throwing my life away.
Disappointed. That’s what it was.
I left a week after that fight.
My phone goes off, the loud sound jarring amidst the silence. Nick’s name flashes on the screen. I don’t want to answer it. I think I’ll cry again if I hear his voice because I love him and I feel so guilty about loving him and I hate that. Kate takes one look at my panicked expression and answers for me, speaking in hushed tones as she leaves the room.
I feel sick again.
Sick with guilt and self-loathing and fucking shame. The betrayal and disgust in Cass’ eyes haunts me the same way Sam’s unseeing eyes used to, two markers of my biggest fucking mistakes.
Kate returns to the room and slips under the covers, curling up beside me. “They’re home,” she informs me quietly, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear, the gesture making my heart ache. “Cass’ car is in the driveway.” I let out a sigh of relief. He’s home and safe, at least.
A tug on my hair directs my attention back to Kate. “Nick told me to tell you he loves you.”
Despite the guilt bubbling up in my stomach, I smile.
Luna shifts behind me, propping her chin on my arm. “When did that happen?”
“Couple days ago.” It feels tainted now. Barely two days of being happy and in love before I managed to fuck it up.
Luna leans her cheek flat against my forearm, smiling sadly. “I’m happy for you.”
Yeah. I was too.
A hand curls around my ankle, and my heart pangs as I stare at the somber expression that so does not suit Ben. “Cass will come around. Give him some time.”
Yeah. Maybe.
They let me wallow for an hour before dragging me out of bed. It’s still early in the evening, too early to sleep, unfortunately; too early to fall into an oblivious slumber and forget for a little while.
Someone makes food that no one really eats because they’re too busy staring at me worriedly.
Someone puts on a movie that no one watches because they’re too busy staring at me worriedly.
When I excuse myself to my room, they follow me, piling onto my bed, and once again, staring at me worriedly.
It’s a relief when they fall asleep—all of us squished together but uncaring—and I get a break from their weighty stares. I stay awake for hours after them, staring unseeing at the ceiling, unable to shut my thoughts off.
Liar, liar, liar.
“Mils?” I jerk in surprise at Kate’s whispering voice. Turning my head so my cheek rests against the cool pillow, I meet dark, worried eyes, barely visible in the room only lit by the glow of street lights seeping in from outside since none of us bothered with closing the curtains.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t push Nick away,” Kate pleads softly. “I know Cass is your brother and you love him and you’ll do anything for him.” Except tell the truth. evidently. “But Nick is so good for you. Cass will see that eventually and I don’t want you to ruin it before he can.”
“I don’t want to.” God, I hope I don’t ruin it. I hate that she assumes I will but I can’t really blame her—I have a bit of a track record after all. I think it’s in my DNA to blow up a good thing while I have it.
“Good.” She squeezes my hand, offering me a calming smile, ever the pragmatist. “Take a day to calm down and figure out what you’re gonna do but please, call him.”
“I will,” I promise quietly into the darkness.
One last squeeze and Kate lets go of my hand, rolling onto her other side. After a while, I hear her breathing slow as she drifts off to sleep as well.
I still feel restless. Exhausted, but restless. Like my body refuses to fall asleep like this, with something missing.
Careful not to wake the others, I grab my phone from the nightstand, eyes watering at the sudden brightness as the screen comes to life. My thumbs move deftly across the screen, easily finding Nick’s contact. The mere sight of his contact picture calms me, sends a gentle lull through my body. No sooner have I hit send and slipped my phone under the pillow than I’m drifting off to sleep, my mind finally letting my body rest.
Me: I’m okay. I love you.
