“Are you kids having a sleepover?” Nat’s mother’s sleepy voice greeted them from the couch when they walked inside.
“Yeah, Mom,” Nat said, trying to stay hidden behind Caleb and get back to their room before her mother roused herself too much. “Can Ethan and Preston use your room?”
“Sure…the sheets are clean…I haven’t slept back there in a while,” she murmured, her eyes heavy.
Nat wished she had more to offer, but at least it was better than sending them off to face Vick or Preston’s dad. Even Caleb had wanted them to stay, which had surprised her until she realized what he was thinking.
There was safety in numbers. For her.
“Towels are in here,” she said after they made it down the hall, indicating the small linen closet just inside the restroom. Ethan looked as if he were having trouble breathing, and she hurried into her mother’s room to open the window. “Sorry…”
Caleb shot Ethan a sharp look, daring him to complain.
“It’s fine,” Ethan choked, and Preston pat him on the back heavily.
“Dude, you think this is bad—you would die at my place. My old man is a total slob. At least Natty’s place is clean.”
But Ethan ran forward to lean his head out of the window, drawing in deep breaths, and didn’t respond.
“You can use the shower first, Preston, and I’ll get you something of Caleb’s to wear.”
“He can wait until you’ve had a chance to use it—you’re torn up, Nat,” Caleb said, his sharp tone fading into a husky whisper.
“Take your time, Natty—don’t worry about us. Besides, I want to look through these old VHS tapes,” he said, eyeing the stack beside the TV with interest. “We can play one, right?”
Nat nodded and rubbed her eyes, and Caleb slid his hand behind her knees and had her in his arms before she could take another breath.
“Do whatever,” he said gruffly, carrying her back through the doorway and into the tiny bathroom. The room felt uncommonly silent as the lock clicked behind them.
Nat lifted her eyes to Caleb’s, her arms around his neck, to see him staring down at the ground with unseeing eyes.
“Caleb…it wasn’t your fault,” she whispered.
He didn’t answer but set her gently on her feet and stepped to the shower to turn it on. Turning back to Nat, he slowly pulled the shirt he’d put on her outside over her head, revealing the torn dress beneath. His eyes grew red, but he said nothing as he slid it off her shoulders to fall in a heap at her feet.
Shivering, she stepped into his arms, wrapping her own around him while he unclasped her bra. His fingertips were soft on her skin as they glided the straps down, and she let it fall to the floor as well, her naked chest pressed against his.
The steam rose around them, but neither moved.
“Nat…” The huskiness in his voice sent another shiver through her, and she pressed closer. His fingers traced around each cut on her back, careful not to touch the injured skin.
He tensed when her hands moved between them to undo his jeans.
“Aren’t you getting in the shower with me?”
His stomach clenched against her knuckles, but he nodded, his forehead leaning into her. The hard metal button slipped through the dense cotton, and Nat held her breath as she slowly began lowering them…and her fingers grazed the thick, soft flesh inside.
The hope she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding onto deserted her, and a sickness filled her gut. He wasn’t cured. Whatever had happened while he was a wolf with Vick…it hadn’t undone anything. Or at least, it hadn’t made him able to feel what Nat felt. And she felt it so strongly she ached with it. Nothing that had happened had taken away from that. Caleb was Caleb. And she wanted him. Always.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out, and her eyes flew to his. “I never thought I could do anything like that. Ever.”
Oh. What had happened. Her eyes fell again, and she slid his jeans down until they dropped to his feet. He kicked them away and stepped with her into the small tub, droplets spraying around them and leaving her skin chilled in more places than it warmed.
Wrapping his arms around her, Caleb moved them beneath the water more fully. And held her.
Nat knew she needed to clean herself quickly—the hot water wouldn’t last long. But she couldn’t bring herself to move.
Caleb reached for the soap and lathered his hands before slowly stroking her body, and Nat closed her eyes, letting his touch soothe her. And excite. As much as she tried, she couldn’t stop her body from responding, and every pang at her core cut her heart.
Caleb’s lips touched her shoulder, his strong hands gliding smoothly over her skin, and Nat hid her face in his neck when he slipped a finger slowly between her soft folds, stopping when she tensed.
“Did I…make you afraid of me?” he asked hoarsely.
Nat shook her head.
“It’s not that. I just…” She swallowed, trembling slightly as his finger remained frozen between her lips. “It’s hard to be the only one able to feel this,” she whispered at last.
“You think I don’t feel this?” he asked, his voice thick as he slid his finger into her more deeply, pressing his lips to her forehead at her soft gasp. “I always feel it, Nat. Always. I will always want you, no matter what this body does. It’s there inside me.”
They both trembled when he began slipping in and out slowly, and her hands clutched his wrist, fighting not to grind into him.
“Let me make you feel good, Nat,” he whispered. Her small groan was all the encouragement he needed, and he cupped her head to his neck with one hand, his finger now moving in steady circles at her center.
Her lips parted against his neck, breathing him in with small gasps as the pressure grew. His grip on her hair tightened at her every sound, his finger moving faster, until her fingers dug into his wrist and she cried out into him, her body shuddering over and over while he held her up, his touch never stopping until she leaned against him, spent.
Warm water scattered across her skin, the sting of the heat on her torn flesh morphing into a soothing numbness. She blinked soft, tired eyes when Caleb began washing her hair, only to lift them in confusion when he began washing his own.
“What are you doing?”
“I was lying in the dirt.”
She frowned at his explanation.
“You aren’t going to shift tonight?”
They’d saved a lot of money over the years from Caleb not needing to do anything but shift to get cleaned.
He hesitated.
“Nat…” His eyes were soft as they looked down at her. Tender. And absolute. “I’ll never shift again.”
“It won’t work, Caleb.”
He lifted his head to kiss her before letting it fall back to the pillow, and she leaned on her elbow, frowning down at him.
He’d tended to all her cuts very carefully, rubbing ointment into them and lingering a bit too long on the bite marks on her neck, while kissing her unharmed skin softly. Now she was shiny, sticky, and growing frustrated with her stubborn, loving wolf.
“Shh. Go to sleep.”
Her brow furrowed more deeply when he tried pressing her head back to his chest, and he sighed, looking up at her with raw eyes.
“Nat, you were right. Something was different. I didn’t feel…human. I didn’t have thoughts going through my head. Everything was just…I don’t know. Instinct maybe. And even what you said…” His voice faded. “Even then, I barely heard you. Instead I almost…”
This time he did pull her back down, and she let him, stroking him softly as he clung to her.
“Caleb, it had to be because of her. It doesn’t mean you have to stop being you!”
“That’s not how it felt,” he whispered. “When I got away at the school, I could feel the effects fading. But after she left when I was a wolf…nothing was fading. I just felt…free. Like whatever had been holding me back before was gone.”
Nat was silent for a moment.
“Have I been holding you back?” she asked in a small voice.
“No! No, that is…fuck, no, Nat. Never. You were what I wanted to go to—not escape! No, it was more like…like…it was like being a wild animal,” he said in disgust.
Worry pulled her brow into a painful line, and she stared at her hand smoothing the soft cotton of his shirt over his chest. Cotton he never would have had between them before in the night.
“So…she made you feel free?”
She was lifted above him in an instant to stare down at his annoyed face.
“Yes, free to kill her! Free to be a rabid dog! Free to take you and—“
The annoyance left as quickly as it had come, and he laid her back on his chest, his breath a bit shaky.
Her hands stroked him softly.
“I know you’re scared right now,” she said, her voice full of worry. “So am I. Your body went through…crazy things today. But…please don’t let it make you deny such an important part of who you are, Caleb! You’re a wolf…my wolf…” Her last words were just a breath of a sound, but he froze, his heart pounding hard against her cheek.
“Say that again,” he growled, sending a shiver through her.
Pushing herself up slowly, she stared down into his burning eyes.
“You’re my wolf,” she said quietly. “And I don’t want you to be anything other than what you are.”
Caleb’s grip tightened, the moment between them perfect stillness. Until he shoved her aside to roll off the mattress quickly, pushing her back with a growl when she reached for him in worry.
“Don’t touch me!”
His harsh whisper stung, and Nat pulled her hand back, for the first time in a long while not knowing how she should be with him.
“I’m sorry, Caleb,” she whispered, stopping when his growl became more fierce and he pushed to his feet to turn and put his hands against the wall, tension in every line of his body.
When he began rocking back and forth slightly, as if he were about to take off, she crawled out of the bed to stand beside him.
“I know you’re afraid to shift, but you wouldn’t hur—“ Her words stuck in her throat as the line of his spine suddenly grew very sharp. Very sharp and…was it moving?
Nat took a quick step back, struggling to calm her heart. The shift was always so fast. There had never been time to see anything other than his human or wolf form. But this…
Something was moving beneath his skin, as if furiously trying to get out. His head was bowed low as he leaned against the wall, his eyes clenched fiercely, while the line of his spine bowed and curved in ripple after ripple. Until his fingers broke through the drywall.
“I need to sleep outside tonight,” he said through gritted teeth. “I don’t feel…right.”
His words cut and she knew they shouldn’t. Not after what she’d just seen. But…she needed him to hold her. To remind her he was Caleb. That what had happened earlier was because of Vick. Not because he was different. Not because he’d changed. Not her wolf…
“Will you shift outside?” she whispered.
“I told you,” he bit out, his eyes still shut tightly, “I’m not shifting again.”
“That doesn’t sound very comfortable. I can just go sleep on the floor beside my mom and you can stay in here.”
He turned to glare at her at that, but his expression turned to helpless remorse the moment he saw her eyes glistening.
“Nat…I love you. But I don’t know what’s going on inside me right now, and I’m so scared I’ll hurt you again,” he ended hoarsely.
She nodded, blinking back her tears.
He leaned his head against his arm, a sheen in his own eyes now.
“I’m sorry…don’t cry. I won’t go far.”
She just nodded again. There was nothing else she could do.
He gave her one last lingering look full of helpless frustration before snatching a blanket from the closet and opening the bedroom door.
Nat watched him walk down the hall, never looking back, until the front door closed behind him.
Turning back, the room felt so cold and empty. So much worse than the nights they’d fought and he’d slept outside angry. Because he wasn’t angry this time. He was pulling away from her for something much deeper.
And it scared her.
“Dude! That is not cool!”
Nat blinked bleary eyes and pushed herself up, torn from the hour or so of sleep she’d finally fallen into just before dawn. Ethan’s disgruntled reply drifted through the thin walls.
“I was asleep. I can’t control it then.”
“Then you shouldn’t have curled up next to me last night!”
“I was trying to keep you warm!”
“Yeah, and that was fine when you were a dog.”
Nat heard a faint growl and got to her feet with a groan. Time to go remind them their voices—and growls—could carry out to her mother, who tended to be more lucid in the mornings.
“Did you just growl at me?”
Nat opened her door just in time to see Caleb stepping inside looking as exhausted as she felt.
“Were you camping outside, hun?”
Caleb turned his head at her mother’s voice, a shuttered look quickly replacing the longing in his eyes.
“Just trying a new training technique for football,” he said, nodding at her murmured response before walking down the hall toward Nat, his expression guarded. He hesitated once he reached her but simply turned to rap on the door to her mother’s room.
“Fuck. Get your clothes on!” Preston hissed from the other side.
“It’s us,” Caleb said dryly. “And you are making enough noise to wake the dead.”
At the muffled cursing, his eyes met Nat’s, humor sparking within them for a moment before flickering out when they fell to her cuts.
“How are you feeling?”
“Bad. Really bad, Caleb,” she whispered, the pain in her chest growing each moment she stared up into his gorgeous face and felt the distance he wanted to keep between them.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice thick with shame.
“Not from the cuts!” She stepped forward only to have him step back. “What are you going to do? Stop touching me forever?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know!” he whispered, his eyes tortured. “I have to keep you safe!”
“Well you’re not doing that by being away from me! You’re not!” The tears she’d been holding back all night clogged her throat, and she wrapped her arms around her body. “You weren’t trying to hurt me. You said it yourself. If I’d just cooperated—“
“No, Nat!” Fury lit his eyes. “Don’t you even think it. I was out of control. And you heard what Ethan said about that couple. She cooperated and ended up dead. A wolf ended up dead, Nat,” he hissed before his eyes broke a bit, and he reached up to run the back of his knuckles across her cheek. “And you’re fragile…”
He jumped a bit when she smacked his hand away, temper in her own eyes now.
“I don’t know about them, but I know you. And you wouldn’t hurt me.” When his eyes fell to the cuts once more, she exhaled in a short huff. “Yes, you scraped me up, and scared me, but I’ve been thinking about it all night. Whatever happened that you said made you feel free—“
“I was fucking rabid!”
“—you still stopped! So even at your worst, you love me. I know that’s real, and I’m not afraid of you!”
“I’m afraid of me!” he exploded.
“Kids…? Are you fighting?”
“We’re fine, Mom!” Nat called, her burning eyes never leaving Caleb as he tore his hands through his hair. “Caleb’s just being stubborn.”
He shot a glare at her before collapsing back against the door with a groan and covering his face.
“Stop looking at me that way. I’m trying not to hold you.”
She was about to reach for him when the door flew open and he stumbled backwards.
Preston stormed by them, his face red, while Ethan stalked toward the bedroom door, pulling a shirt over his head and glowering.
“Where are you going?” Nat called after Preston in worry.
“Home. My dad should be at work by now.”
“But it’s Saturday!”
He stopped short.
“Shit.”
“You kids are kind of rowdy this morning.” Nat watched as her mother shuffled toward the kitchen. “Do you want some breakfast? Sweetie, why don’t you help me make the boys some breakfast.”
Nat cringed. Her mom had kind of missed the advances in gender equality the last few decades.
“Go shower,” Caleb sighed, his eyes roaming over her with a mixture of warmth and remorse. “I’ll go help her.”
“Preston’s our guest—he should go first.”
“Forget about it, Natty. My dad’s probably dead to the world right now. I’ll take a shower there.”
“You shouldn’t be alone,” Ethan said testily, watching Preston down the hall.
“And you shouldn’t crowd me,“ Preston snapped back at him, his cheeks still flaming. “If I want to go home, I’ll go home!”
The screen door slammed behind him.
“He doesn’t know what he wants,” Ethan muttered, pushing away from the doorway to follow after Preston. “We’ll be back.”
Caleb bit the inside of his cheek and raised a brow at Nat.
She started to smile but frowned at him again quickly.
“And you should stop trying to get away from me! We need a different solution, Caleb.”
“You think I wasn’t up all night trying to think of some other way to keep you safe?”
“Well I was up all night, too, and I have an idea. And I’ll tell you all about it after we’re cleaned up.”
“You and your mom should go to your grandma’s.”
Nat grimaced at Caleb across the small space of her bedroom where the four of them had taken refuge once Ethan and Preston returned. She’d sat on one corner of the mattress and Ethan on the other, only to have Caleb and Preston take positions across the room as far from them as possible. With the window cracked to keep the air flowing and without Caleb to warm her, she was freezing and frustrated.
“Like she’d even let us stay there.”
“She would if you agreed to go to church with her.”
“You know my mom would never do that!”
“And you know she will if I ask her.”
Nat grimaced again before frowning in thought. That was true enough. And it would keep her mom safe while they waited to see what Ethan’s sister might do next.
“Okay, that’s actually a good idea for my mom. But you can just stop trying to get away from me, Caleb, because I won’t allow it! And besides, I told you I have an idea.” She took a deep breath. “We can just tie you to a tree and you can practice shifting!”
Silence filled the room.
“That’s your idea?”
“It’s a good idea,” she frowned. “You’re afraid to shift and you’re afraid of hurting me. This way, you can practice. Maybe it’s like how you used to have a really hard time not shifting, but over time, you were able to last longer and longer.”
“Nat, I’m not shifting anywhere near you! Ever!”
She groaned and turned to Ethan.
“Ethan, could you do it with him? Make sure he’s okay and untie him afterwards?”
“Whoa, Natty.” Preston leaned up from where he’d been studying the carpet, avoiding looking at Ethan. “I’ve seen him in attack mode. He hurt you back then, and we all saw what he did to you last night! You can’t ask Ethan to be around that.”
Ethan stared at him, his chest moving a bit faster than usual.
“He’s right, Nat,” Caleb said. “Besides, Ethan is too small. He’d never be able to handle me if I went out of control.”
Ethan turned toward him immediately, the warmth that had been growing in his eyes evaporating with his frown.
“I know how to tie a knot a wolf can’t escape.”
“Have you even seen him as a wolf, Ethan?” Preston leaned forward more, his gaze intent on the smaller boy who was growing rapidly more annoyed. “He’s huge. Way bigger than you.”
“Have you ever heard the saying brains versus brawn?” he said, irritation coloring his voice.
“Yeah, and his brawn will smash your brains out,” Preston snapped.
“He’ll be tied up and if he gets out of control, I can just use wolfsbane. It pulls us back to human form. It won’t be a problem,” he gritted out, turning his gaze back toward Caleb.
Preston snorted.
“Fine. Get killed. What do I care,” he finished in a mutter, leaning back once more to glare at the carpet.
Nat swallowed, feeling a bit guilty, but Ethan knew about these things. He’d helped Caleb the previous night. He knew what to do!
Her eyes lifted to see Caleb’s filled with doubt.
“Ethan has lived his life around wolves. He is a wolf. And he knew exactly what to do last night. Please let him help you, Caleb.”
Caleb rubbed his brow and looked at Ethan hesitantly.
“You’re sure those things could stop me?”
“After my mom died, my dad was out of control. And he’s even bigger than you. And meaner. I was just a baby, but my sister brought him back using wolfsbane. If it worked on him, and it worked on you last night, there’s no reason to think it won’t work again. And like I said—” he glanced back at Preston peevishly—“I know how to tie a knot.”
Preston didn’t look up.
Caleb looked back at Nat, indecision still in his eyes.
“I want you out of town. Out of the state. Go with your mom.”
“Forget it, Caleb.”
“Then I’m not doing it!”
Nat smacked a pillow over her face, groaning her frustration into it.
“You should both go somewhere safe while we’re doing this,” Ethan frowned.
“Why the hell should I go somewhere?”
“Because my sister is unpredictable and I won’t be there to protect you.”
“Yeah, because you’re gonna get yourself killed!”
When Ethan reddened and looked closer to exploding than she’d have imagined he could, Nat intervened.
“What if Preston and I drive my mom to my grandma’s? She lives out of state, so it will take us a few hours. That will give you plenty of time and we can meet you back here!”
When Caleb and Ethan exchanged glances, Preston crossed his arms.
“Yeah, I’m not going anywhere—“
“You can take my car,” Ethan interrupted. “You said you liked it.”
“Your Beamer. You’ll just let me drive it.”
“Bimmer. Beamer refers to the motorcycle.”
Preston stared at him.
“Thank you, Ethan,” Nat broke in quickly before Preston found the sarcastic response she knew he was searching for. “We’ll be really careful with it. And…and you both…you’ll both be really careful too, right?”
She wasn’t worried. Not really. Ethan knew what he was doing and Caleb was just being too cautious! So she wasn’t worried.
But when the two boys looked at each other again before nodding, the knot tightened in her gut.
Everything would be fine. She would just go to her grandma’s house and back again and then everything would be fine. Caleb would shift and if he was still out of control, Ethan would shift him back with wolfsbane and they could try again some other time. And they would just keep trying until Caleb could control himself again.
Because anything else was just not acceptable.
