I haven’t seen or heard from Alexius since the shit storm in my bedroom. He hasn’t been on the estate since—that I know of. I’ve gone to his bedroom a dozen times, but there’s no sign of him.
As the days drag on, it’s not just my unease that’s growing, but my belly, too. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, the round of my stomach seems bigger than it did before. My clothes no longer fit the way they used to. Everything is changing except for the sinking feeling in my gut. Alexius isn’t here. He’s gone, and I have no idea where he is. He’s not taking my calls, and neither Caelian nor Isaia knows where he is. I suspect Nicoli knows, but he’s not talking. Maximo still keeps an eye on me, but not to the degree he was before. It’s like Alexius is giving me space.
Too much space.
At first, it felt like I could breathe again with him not around, like the dark cloud that hovered over me dissipated, but it was fleeting. A phantom relief. In the mornings when I wake up, there’s that split second between dream and reality, a moment when my mind is trapped in a place where everything is okay. That Alexius is here, and we’re together, and I could just turn around and find him next to me. Feel him. Smell him. Touch him.
But then reality would slam down on me like a thunderous weight of pain that penetrates my soul.
I’m alone. He’s not here. If I turn around, I won’t find him next to me. I can’t nestle against him, smell him, touch him, or feel him. I can’t wrap a leg over his waist to straddle him, wake him up with a quick morning fuck.
Alexius is not here. He’s not here, and nothing about it is okay. I don’t feel the freedom I thought I would without him clamping down my life. I don’t feel free or light, but rather anchored to a misery that only grows stronger. Darker.
Something is wrong.
Of course, something is wrong. I can’t remember when something was last right. But this feels like a different kind of wrong. Like he’s left me. I can’t explain it. There’s this gaping hole inside my chest, and it’s growing bigger every day without him around. His absence weighs heavily on my chest, and it’s becoming increasingly harder to breathe. I’m terrified and anxious for reasons I can’t articulate because it makes it all too real—like it’s a step closer to being set in stone. Every day is an eternity without him here, and I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can barely keep a conversation without choking up.
I’m not supposed to miss him. I’m not supposed to want him to come back. I should pack my shit and run while he’s not here to hold me prisoner anymore. This is what I’ve wanted, isn’t it? To be able to leave, to be free of him. Yet now he’s the one who left, and now I no longer want that freedom. Alexius has always been a mindfuck, but this is the worst one.
My mind is warped and bent, and I know I should still hate him after everything he’s done. But I don’t. Not even a little. In fact, the betrayal I felt, the anger, it doesn’t compare to the pain I’ve endured since he left.
I’m constantly haunted by his absence, like I’m swathed in darkness, waiting for the black hole to swallow me.
Between dusk and dawn, there’s a lifetime of loneliness. It’s the time of day I dread the most. At night, everything feels a thousand times worse. The sound of the winter’s howl, the whistle as the wind cuts and slashes against the house and windows creates a solemn foreboding in the middle of the night. But the winter is dead—even if there are a hundred different deafening sounds outside, it’s all lifeless—just like these halls…just like me.
I wonder if he’s at Myth, spending his time there instead of here. The thought makes my skin crawl. But how can I not think about it? Alexius is a hunter, a predator with a sexual prowess that’s unparalleled. He’s a skilled lover, and seduction seeps from his pores, making him lethal to any woman. Imagining him at the Del Rossa sex club with other women is not a petty insecurity. Whenever I close my eyes, I have to will myself not to picture him sitting on a red velvet chair, a sexy woman with an hourglass figure and sleek blonde hair on her knees in front of him, sucking his cock and licking his balls. I see him bending over some pretty brunette, driving into her so hard her tits would bounce and her screams would peel the plaster off the goddamn walls.
Fuck!
I can’t. It drives me crazy, turning my disturbing thoughts into murderous inclinations.
I bury my face in my palms, biting back the urge to scream as I drown out the light. The dark magnifies the longing and sharpens the blades stuck in my heart. Bone-numbing fear slithers across my skin as soon as the day turns black, and it doesn’t leave until sunrise. But, even then, it leaves remnants of insecurity and uncertainty. What if he left me? The babies? I’d not only be alone but broken too. And it scares me. The thought of never seeing him again, never feeling his touch or his kiss, never feeling his warmth whenever I’m in his arms—it terrifies me. And I hate it so damn much. I hate it more than the days spent locked up in this room. I hate it more than the thought of Alexius coming inside me with the goal to fucking breed me. Trap me. Leave me with no way out.
I hate not being with him more than I hate everything else.
One would think I’m crazy for still loving him after everything that’s happened. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m that psycho woman who would rather be a glutton for punishment than a wife without her husband. Maybe I’m the obsessed one, and not him. In the end, the heart wants what the heart wants, and mine wants him.
The emptiness is tiring, and I feel lost without him. Drifting. Roaming these halls like a ghost, no longer feeling like I fit in. We’ve spent weeks going at each other’s throats, and I’ve been grasping at everything to continue fighting him. But now…now I’m starting to think I was wrong because what I felt then while locked in my room doesn’t compare to what I’m feeling now. I need him with everything in me so he can keep me from drowning, because right now, I feel like I’m going under, and I don’t know how to keep myself afloat.
The heartache is too much. It’s debilitating, and with every passing minute, it only gets worse. There are times when I think my chest is being cracked in half, my stomach getting ripped out of me, the pain unbearable without him.
How did this happen? How did I go from wanting to leave to being desperate for him to come back?
Outside, the trees are bare, the grass and flowers are gone, and there’s hardly any sign of life. There’s a thick blanket of snow draped over the estate grounds. It’s so white it hurts my eyes every time the sun peeks past the looming clouds. While staring out my bedroom window, I think about my dream, about Alexius chasing me through the trees. Even in my dream, I was conflicted. I wanted to run, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave. I wanted to get away, but I didn’t want him to let me go. I wanted him to catch me, and in my dream, he did. It felt so real, and disappointment flooded my system when I woke up realizing it was a dream, and not only was I alone, but Alexius and I were torn apart.
“You’re awake.”
I turn halfway and give a feeble attempt to smile at Mira before continuing to stare out the window. “Have you heard anything?”
“No. You?”
I tighten my arms around myself. “Nothing.”
She slips in next to me, and usually, I’d feel comforted when she’s close. But not today. Not since he left.
“And Nicoli won’t budge. Neither will my brother.”
“If Alexius doesn’t want them to talk, they won’t.”
“Loyal bastards. They’re pissing me off.” Mira shifts from one leg to the other, crossing her arms.
“I’m sure they hate this as much as we do.”
“I doubt that very much. Maximo loves showing me who has the higher rank between the two of us. And Nicoli just enjoys being a prick too much.”
“Yet you can’t—”
“I can’t what?” she snaps, her pointed glare daring me to finish that sentence.
I frown at her, leaning my head to the side as I study her face—rose-blushed cheeks, delicate cheekbones, stunning green eyes framed with dark curled eyelashes, and pouty, heart-shaped lips always painted a sultry red. Mira is beautiful and not in an hourglass figure or a super thin runway model kind of way. More like a Marilyn Monroe kind of way. Timeless, classic, and a beauty that would never fade simply because of the elegance she exudes in such a natural way. I can see why Nicoli can’t keep his eyes off her when they’re together in a room. But I don’t understand why he chooses to force this distance between them. It’s like he’s hellbent on acting like she doesn’t exist.
“Oh, right. I almost forgot the reason I came looking for you.” She turns to face me. “The doctor is here for your checkup.”
“Here? Now?”
She nods. “He’s waiting for you in the room Alexius set up.”
“Oh, my God.” I place my palm on my forehead. “I forgot about that. He told me he had that done since I’m not allowed off the estate.”
Mira’s eyes flash with pity, but I shrug it off. Me being trapped here has taken a back seat at the farthest corner of my mind right now. All I can think about is Alexius and where he could be and when he’s coming back. If he’s coming back.
I place a palm on my belly. “Alexius isn’t here for the ultrasound.” A profound sadness washes over me. “Mira,” I look at her as I struggle to keep the tears at bay, “I’m a mess.”
“Oh, God, no. Come here.” She brings me in for a hug, brushing her palms down my back with comforting strokes. “You’re not a mess. I think, considering the circumstances, you’re far from it.” She leans back and looks at me. “You’re a strong woman, Leandra. You’re still dragging your ass out of bed every morning, getting dressed, and smiling at everyone here while your heart is shattered, and that’s true strength. God knows I wouldn’t be able to do it.”
“But I can’t,” I whimper, tears finally rolling down my cheeks. “I can’t do this alone, Mira.”
“No, no, no. Leandra, you will not go through this alone. I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”
“I know. But I need…I need him.” My hands shake as I wipe tears from my cheeks, my emotions cracking me wide open. “Not long ago, all I wanted was to get away from him. I was angry. Hurt. And all I could think about was leaving and never wanting to see him again. But now,” I wipe at my tears, “now that he’s gone, I can’t fathom the idea of doing this without him. I don’t want to do this without him. And I’m so scared. So, so fucking scared. I need him, Mira.” I choke on a sob. “I need Alexius, and I don’t know what I’d do if he’s no longer a part of my life. I love him so much, every part of me aches.”
“I know you do.” She smiles, reaching out and brushing away a tear on my jaw. “And everyone can see it. Everyone sees how much you love each other. Now, I don’t know what happened, and I respect that you don’t feel comfortable sharing it with me.”
“It’s not that I’m not comfortable with it,” I say. “I just…I don’t want to drag other people into our mess and cause more conflict within this family than I already have. Look what happened with Alexius and Isaia.”
“Stop.” She takes my hand, her eyes soft with sympathy. “Conflict is bound to happen when you have four, five male lions living under the same roof. It’s a cesspool of testosterone, and them going at each other’s throats is unavoidable. Don’t beat yourself up about it, okay? You need to start focusing on yourself. Take care of yourself. You have two babies growing inside you, and that’s what’s most important in this entire equation.” Her blonde hair slips down her shoulder as she leans her head to the side. “As I said, I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but you need to sort it out and find a way to get past it. You both owe it to the children you’ll be bringing into this world.”
It’s not an order or an accusation or meant as criticism. I can see it in her gentle eyes and soft expression. Her every word was spoken with love and compassion, meant to encourage.
I smile and pull her back in for a hug. “You are the best friend I could ever ask for.”
“Remember that when I accidentally, on purpose, burn the pair of moccasins you’re wearing.”
“Hey.” I look down at my feet. “These are warm and comfortable.”
“No. Those are ugly and ancient.”
“Ancient?” I lift a brow. “I bought these a month ago.”
“Oh, my God. Was it one of those dodgy social media ads?”
I chuckle and lose the moccasins, pulling on a pair of black leather boots.
Mira’s eyes shimmer, and her lips curl at the corners. “Better. Next week, we’ll work on the tights.”
“How about I just never shop on my own again?”
“Now, that’s the best idea you’ve had in a really long time.”
“Hmm-mm.”
“Hey, listen,” she weaves her dainty fingers through her blonde hair, “I know it won’t make it any better or anything, but if you want, I could stay with you during the ultrasound. If you want.”
There’s a twinge in my chest, the thought of Alexius not being there pricking my already bleeding heart. But it is what it is, and no matter what happens between Alexius and me, I’ll have to go on. I’ll just have to survive—if not for me, for the lives growing inside me.
I give her the warmest smile my aching soul allows. “I would love that.”
“If you don’t mind, Mira, I’d like to go with Leandra.”
Both Mira and I turn to find Isaia standing by the door.
“If that’s okay with you, of course?” he asks, staring at me with his dark brown eyes. Eyes I’ve always found comfort in, and probably always will.
“I, um…”
“Oh, shit,” Mira blurts and saunters to the door, heels clicking across the floors. “I forgot I have to talk to the chef about Christmas dinner. Isaia,” she pats him on the chest, “be a gem and go with Leandra, would you?”
“I just said—”
“Thanks.” She lifts on her toes, plants a kiss on his cheek, and then wipes the lipstick stain off with her thumb. “You’re a star.”
Isaia and I just smile and roll our eyes at Mira’s attempt to not make this awkward.
“Thank you,” I say, fiddling with my thumbs. “But you don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
I sigh, my heart as heavy as my reluctance to even go for the damn ultrasound, but I muster a smile, reminding myself of what Mira said. This is not about me.
“Your face is healing well,” I say as I walk out and close the door, joining him in the hall.
“Yeah.” He touches his bottom lip, the large cut now only a tiny mark. The grotesque purple bruises have faded to a yellow-green shade, and I’m thankful Alexius didn’t hurt him any worse than he did.
He holds out his arm, and I hook my hand in the curve. “Let’s go meet my two nephews.”
“Or your two nieces.” I shrug.
His brows curve. “Ooor…my two nephews.”
“Why not two nieces?”
“Two nieces will mean I have to kill a profound number of teenage boys, and I’d prefer to not do that since it’ll pave my way to hell so much faster.”
Our laughs fill the hall, and I welcome the comfort of it—a short reprieve from the bone-crushing anguish I’ve been living with. We walk into the room prepared with all the equipment needed, still laughing, and I stop when I see him.
“Alexius,” I whisper. The stark white of the room sharpens the color of his eyes, highlighting the cerulean blue ring around his sapphire irises. My heart stops when our gazes meet, unable to beat as I take in the sight of him. With his hard, chiseled face and dark hair, he has a look that’s effortlessly sexy, and I don’t know how it’s possible, but he’s more striking than I remember. Regal. Powerful. Majestic. A force to be reckoned with and a man who commands without saying a single word.
“Alexius,” I whisper.
He’s standing at the back of the room, his stance wide and hands tucked in his slate gray pants. The fabric of his crisp white dress shirt flows over his shoulders, hugging the contour of his body, the collar unbuttoned, and sleeves rolled up mid-arm. Thick veins rim his arms, the muscles roped and defined.
I’m the girl at the diner again, seeing Alexius Del Rossa for the first time—experiencing the demand of his presence for the first time, and it makes me shift from one leg to the other.
Alexius lifts his chin, his full lips pulled in a thin line. “You can leave, brother.”
“Oh, he was just…I didn’t know.” Oh, God. “Um, I just…we didn’t think you’d be here.”
He’s still looking at Isaia. “Leave. Now.”
Isaia turns to me, his pointed stare a loud, direct question, and I simply nod, letting him know it’s okay, after which he leaves without sparing his brother a single glance.
The door closes, and Alexius moves. The soft rustle of his shirt and the weight of his footsteps is intimidating but familiar, and it gives me a trickle of hope.
I can feel the heat of his eyes on me as he comes closer, his presence a powerful charge that, to some, is heavy and cold, but to me, it’s warm and inviting, making me lean into it, wanting it to envelop me.
My heartbeat echoes in my ears, and I hold my breath as he takes another step. I can smell him—the wild spice of his cologne mixed with a scent uniquely him. I miss having it on me. I want it to steal my air, so he’s the only thing I breathe.
“Are you okay?” The tenor of his voice has me taking a sharp inhale.
“No.” I swallow. “Where have you been?”
He squares his shoulders, leveling me with a confident stare. “I’ve been taking care of a few things.”
“Things you can’t take care of while you’re here?”
“I’m here now.”
“That’s not—”
“Mr. and Mrs. Del Rossa,” the doctor greets as he walks in. “Sorry to have you waiting. I had an urgent phone call.”
Alexius presses his lips together, and when he severs the connection by looking away, I want to cry. “Doctor, I pay you a fuckton of money to take care of the mother of my children and to be available to us twenty-four-fucking-seven. So I’d appreciate it that whenever you’re here, you pretend like you have no goddamn life out there. Understood?”
A sheen of sweat gathers above the doctor’s mustache. “I do apologize, Mr. Del Rossa. It won’t happen again.”
“Good.” Alexius moves to stand on the other side of the examination table and looks my way. “I’d like to see my children now.”
His jaw has a tic, and hard lines crease his features. And while our eyes remain locked, there’s only one thought trapped inside my head…
He didn’t refer to me as his wife, and he always refers to me as his wife.
