MAGGIE
I woke up with my phone on my pillow. Then I had lain there and just stared at it for several minutes. I’d talked to West for more than three hours last night. Until I’d fallen asleep. Hearing my own voice when I knew he needed me to talk to him wasn’t hard. Yet the idea of speaking to someone else terrified me.
For so long I’d thought hearing my voice again would send me back into the corner, screaming uncontrollably. But it wasn’t doing that. I was talking to West with ease. Last night I had actually talked about things I’d thought I never wanted to talk about again. And I hadn’t had a panic attack or curled up into a ball and whimpered.
But was I ready to talk to other people?
No. I’d given them the only words I was going to give them.
I didn’t want them asking me things like West had. I didn’t want them making me speak in a courtroom where I would have to face my father. The man who had never missed seeing me cheer. Who’d clapped the loudest at my school play when I’d walked out as a bear instead of Goldilocks, which was who I’d really wanted to be. Who’d sung “Happy Birthday” to me dressed in a Superman costume with my Marvel comics cake in his hands the year I was obsessed with superheroes. That man was dead to me now. He had made every good memory a bad one. He had become something else. Someone else. Someone I couldn’t talk about or see.
If I talked, they’d want me to talk about him. About what I saw him do. About how he begged me to forgive him as I screamed for my mother to wake up. And I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t ready. I doubted I ever would be. I had watched him verbally and sometimes physically abuse my mother most of my life. Then he’d buy her jewelry or flowers and tell both of us over and over how much he adored us. Remembering the way he would refer to us as “my girls” made my stomach churn.
Climbing out of bed, I began to get dressed and put those memories that were threatening to break through back in the tightly shut box I kept them in.
Brady parked the truck in front of school, but instead of getting right out, he looked over at me. I’d been lost in my thoughts all morning.
“West has been my best friend since we were little kids. I love him like a brother. I hate that he’s gone through all this with his dad alone, but it’s also so like him. He doesn’t let people get too close. He’s never been one to trust people. He always trusted me, though. Until this.” He paused and sighed heavily. “He’s decided to trust you. I think he’s being honest about wanting to just be your friend. But I also worry about you getting attached to him. You’ve been through your own pain, Maggie. I don’t want him to use you. He won’t mean to, but I’m afraid he will. Please guard yourself. Understand he needs you right now. Maybe having someone to talk to that doesn’t talk back is what he needs, and you fit that bill. But just don’t let him hurt you. Okay?”
I thought about my attraction to West. He was hard not to be attracted to. But I wasn’t going to take his need to have someone who understood the pain of losing a parent as something more. I knew he didn’t look at me that way. Heck, he didn’t even act like we’d ever kissed. It had been no big deal to him, and I had forgiven him for the harsh cruelty I’d seen in him before. I understood he’d been acting out because he was hurting. He pushed everyone away. But he wasn’t pushing me away anymore, and now it was hard to remember to keep him at arm’s length.
I just nodded. I appreciated that Brady was trying to protect me.
He reached for the truck door and opened it. That was the end of this conversation. I grabbed my book bag and headed into school.
I would be lying to myself if I said my stomach wasn’t all fluttery about getting to see West. Last night had been as special as it had been difficult. Even after Brady gave me a warning I really needed to listen to, I couldn’t help but feel very giddy about being near West. Having him look at me and talk to me.
When I saw our lockers, I paused. The giddiness and fluttery feeling in my stomach was snatched away instantly. West was there, but so was some girl. She was a cheerleader. I knew that from watching her at the pep rally. Her long blond hair was curled and styled to perfection as she bit her bottom lip and batted her eyes up at West. Then there was the way West was looking at her. The way he never looked at me. Like he wanted to eat her up.
My stomach twisted, and my throat tightened. The girl put her hand on his chest and he reached up and covered it with his own. Then he winked at her. That was enough for me. I would just carry all my books to first period, and I’d make do with one of my other notebooks.
I hurried to class, trying not to think about my reaction to seeing West and another girl. Sure, I had seen him with Raleigh a bunch of times. But this time it hurt more. I was being unfair and probably ridiculous, because as West’s friend I should be glad he was smiling and winking at a girl rather than being sad. But as the girl currently secretly crushing on West, I was a little cracked around the edges.
Brady’s words came back to me as I sat down at an empty desk. I needed to be careful. West just wanted my friendship. No more thinking about him any other way. And I had to find the off switch to the flutters in my stomach. Maybe the blonde was just the off switch I needed.
Mr. Trout came in the room, and everyone who was still standing around outside in the halls began to file into the classroom. Gunner Lawton, one of Brady’s friends, came in last, along with Ryker Lee. Ryker glanced over at me and smiled before heading to the back of the class to sit beside Gunner. The football players always stayed together.
Next class I had to face Charlie. After yesterday’s lunch fiasco, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that. But I didn’t have a choice. At least in this class no one ever spoke to me or acknowledged me. Mr. Trout was one of the teachers who thought he needed to yell so I could hear him. I always did my best not to draw attention to myself so he wouldn’t try to tell me something.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I continued to get my notebook and textbook ready for the lecture when it vibrated again. After checking to make sure Mr. Trout was still eating his breakfast and reading the newspaper at his desk, I pulled my phone out to check to see who it was. I didn’t normally get texts at school. The last time had been when Nash was trying to talk to me.
I didn’t see you at your locker this morning. Brady said you were here. You okay?
It was from West. He wouldn’t have noticed me at my locker this morning. He’d been too wrapped up in that cheerleader. Dang it, I was doing it again. I couldn’t be this way if we were going to be friends. He needed a friend. But this was so hard. I hadn’t imagined being West Ashby’s friend would be this difficult. Why I hadn’t thought this all through, I don’t know. I knew how he was. I knew how he acted out to deal with his inner turmoil. But still . . . this wasn’t easy.
I’m here. I didn’t need anything from my locker, so I came on to first period so I would have a chance to go over my homework.
Now I was a liar. Fantastic.
I slipped the phone back into my pocket before I got caught, and made a mental list of things I should work on. Things that had nothing to do with West. Like I should start practicing the piano again. My mother used to love hearing me play. She would have wanted me to keep playing.
By the time Mr. Trout had polished off his Egg McMuffin and drunk his coffee, I was in a better place. I had goals, and I was not going to get attached to West Ashby.
