Researching on Google is tricky. You have to know which resources to believe and which to chalk up to rumours.
Like the latest gossip about the Astor family. I wonder if Ronan knows about his uncle’s return and where the mighty earl is rumoured to have taken Charlotte the past months.
Not that I should care if Ronan knows or not. He’s an Astor, after all. If some forums on the internet know, he probably does, too.
Dad and Agnus always tell us to stay away from the internet’s rabbit hole since it says more lies than truths, but there’s no smoke without fire.
I can already see the Astor family’s demise, because I’ll make sure of it.
The only person who makes my chest do some strange stuff is Charlotte. I wish I could do this without implicating or hurting her, but as they say, there are no victories without sacrifices.
I’m so sorry, Charlotte.
Maybe I should stop the hypocritical stuff and not visit or text her anymore.
I switch to the article about the correlation between death and fear. It’s about how humans are instinctively afraid of dying, even those who are suicidal.
Fear of death is a foreign concept to me. Why would you be scared of something that will eventually happen? It’s coming anyway, so might as well make the trip towards it worthwhile.
“Death and war. Interesting.”
My head rises at Cole’s serene voice. He slides beside me, clutching a book called Calila e Dimna that has animal illustrations on it.
“Interesting book,” I say.
“I know. I finally got my copy.” He motions at my phone. “But it’s not as interesting as your article.”
I stare back at my phone. Death and Fear in Times of War.
I make the screen go black, not because I’m ashamed to read about it, but because Cole’s book seems more fascinating.
Cole is in his uniform, minus the jacket, and the sleeves of his shirt are rolled to beneath his elbows. With the calm expression on his face, he seems like one of those handsome book nerds whom the girls admire from afar. It’s for different reasons than Aiden. My sister’s boyfriend doesn’t care — at all. Cole does, but in a dispassionate kind of way.
When I came to RES, he approached me first and talked to me as if we’d known each other our entire lives. We also share certain…tendencies.
While our interactions are easy and raise no alarm, I know Cole always has a purpose up his proper sleeve.
He sold me out once, and if he thinks I didn’t figure it out then he doesn’t know who he’s dealing with.
I might not be that good at deception, but I know how to lure someone to the battlefield.
“Tell me about your book,” I say.
“It’s old tales, or rather fables, translated to Arabic then Spanish in the twelve hundreds.” He opens the first page, running his fingers over the words.
“What does it talk about?” I motion at it.
“Philosophy told in the form of animals. For instance, the lion is the king, and there are others who represent different roles.”
“Such as?”
“The ox and the bull. What do you think they represent?”
“Cunning? Force?”
His lips quirk in a small smile. “Probably. Each fable has a purpose.”
“Just like every piece in chess and dominos?”
“Exactly.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Hey, it’s sort of like this entire school.”
He mirrors my gesture. “Possibly. We all fulfil a role.”
“What role do I fulfil in your game, Cole?”
“Woah.” He pretends to be taken aback. “You do me injustice, Teal.”
“How about your injustice? You think I don’t know you told Ronan about the club?”
“Why would you assume it’s me?”
“You’re the only one from school I saw there. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”
“Not the only one. There’s someone else you’re forgetting about.”
“That someone else wouldn’t tell Ronan.”
His lips curve again. “How can you be so sure?”
“I had a deal with her. Besides, you’re the only one who plays games.”
“Noted.” He flips the page as if he’s been reading the entire time. “However, in my defence, Ronan would’ve figured it out anyway, so I thought I might as well tell him and gain favour.”
“He wouldn’t have figured it out if you hadn’t told him.”
“Oh, he would’ve. Ronan is like a dog — a trained one. He smells things from afar and doesn’t stop until he finds his prey. If I hadn’t told him, he would’ve followed you, stalked you, broke in, hacked your phone and emails, and eventually gotten what he wanted. I simply made it easier for everyone.”
I huff. He makes it sound as if he’s the angel in this tale and we should all bow down in thanks and possibly offer some sacrifices at his altar.
“Because of you, he now has me by the arm, and do you know what I’m tempted to do, Cole?”
“Tell me. I’m all ears.”
I allow myself a cunning smile. “If you ruined my fun, what stops me from ruining yours?”
“I didn’t ruin your fun — I made it happen. Can’t you see that?”
I stare incredulously. “You made it happen? How the hell is being involved with Ronan making my fun happen?”
“Teal, even you can admit that Ronan has added an interesting flavour to your life. I’m just being a good Cupid here.”
I scoff even as I boil on the inside.
Cole doesn’t understand that he ruined much more than he knows. My plan, for instance — it used to be so clear, but now it’s all murky water and feelings I can’t even begin to comb through.
“Tell me about Ronan,” I say.
“Tell you about Ronan?”
“After what you did, the least you can do is give me information. Why does he act different sometimes?”
He chuckles. “Oh, you saw that part.”
“So you know about it.”
“The three of us do, but he doesn’t like to show it. We barely get it once a year during Halloween. May I ask how you managed to poke it out?”
“I’m trying to figure out how to tuck it back in, not poke it out.”
“Are you sure, though?”
Yes. No. I don’t know.
That arsehole is turning me into a version of myself I don’t like or understand. There’s this foreigner who’s taking over my body and leaving me without any thoughts.
The worst part is that I want to understand. Deep down, I want to sit with him, talk to him, touch him.
Just be with him.
“Do you want to know what I think, Teal?” Cole flips another page.
“No.”
“I think you do like it,” he continues, ignoring my reply. “Maybe you don’t like that you like it. Maybe you don’t like the effects it’ll have on your plan — and, by the way, I’m all ears if you care to share.”
“Hard pass.” He’ll just use it in his own game.
I haven’t even told Knox about it, and it’ll remain tucked between me and the shadow over my shoulder.
“He’s here,” Cole whispers, and I know who he’s talking about without having to lift my head.
The hairs on the back of my nape stand on end and I tuck a strand behind my ear then quickly drop my hand down. Why am I acting like the girls who are always praying for his attention?
“Read with me.” Cole points at a highlighted line.
I am the slave of what I have spoken, but the master of what I conceal.
“Why are we doing this?” I murmur.
“Because we can?”
Because we can? That’s so intriguing about Cole’s character. Does he always do things just because he can?
Is he one of the people who like watching the world burn?
“Salut.” Ronan’s voice cuts into my bubble. I take a breath before I look up.
Nothing would’ve prepared me for the scene in front of me.
Ronan has Silver glued to him by the shoulder as she stares up at him with dreamy bloody eyes.
Silver with her blonde hair and provocative beauty — the type Ronan has gravitated towards in the past.
What the…
“So, Captain, Teal.” Ronan grins at us. “Silver and I were going to drink and smoke and fuck. Who wants to join?”
“Yes, join us. Teal?” She stares at me, her eyes screaming, You broke a code.
Silver and I aren’t friends or even close, but we have an arrangement. Why is she doing this now?
I didn’t break the code. She did.
Cole remains still, flicking his gaze at them then back at his book. “Teal and I have a book to read.”
Sure, I can go on with Cole. If I really want to spite Ronan, I can grab Cole and kiss him and then see all hell break loose, but I can’t fake things like that.
I can’t stare at him in the eyes and pretend he’s someone else.
Or wait…maybe I can.
It’s pretence, after all. An eye for an eye.
I’m a firm believer in justice. He started this whole mess, and he keeps making it worse.
I throw one last glance at Silver’s French-manicured nails toying with Ronan’s tie and then place my palm on Cole’s cheek, making him face me. “We can do something more fun than reading.”
Something flashes in his eyes, something like sadism. It vanishes as soon as it appears. Before I can take the next step, a strong hand wraps around my arm, and I gasp as he hauls me to my feet.
Ronan stares down at me with raging eyes on the verge of breaking hell and all of its friends loose. “What the fuck — and I mean, what in the actual fuck — do you think you’re doing?”
“I told you.” My voice is calm. Too calm. “I might let you do things to me, but disrespect me not. I am not your damn toy.”
I push at his chest and storm out of the garden, my chest heaving and my heart nearly bursting out.
As I arrive at the car park, I place a hand on my chest, willing it to stop beating this hard, this fast.
What the hell is wrong with you, heart? Why are you coming back to life?
And for who? A fucking gigolo? Couldn’t it be someone, I don’t know, more available?
Someone trips into me from behind and I yelp, my lungs constricting. The person apologises and moves along.
I slump against one of the cars, holding a hand to my heart, and I realise I just wished it was Ronan who bumped into me. When it wasn’t, my heart might have died a little.
“What do you think you’re doing, Teal? If you want the bitch façade, that’s what you’ll get.” Silver’s voice cuts into my thoughts.
She walks like a model to face me, her arms folded and her face full of malice. I wonder if that’s what I would look like if I had the ability to show emotions.
I mirror her stance, widening my legs and crossing my arms. “Funny, because I thought the show back there was you being a bitch.”
“You’ve seen nothing, Teal. Don’t make me show you.”
“Do you honestly think I’m scared of you? If you stab, I’ll stab right back.”
She attacks then. Her hand shoots up and she pulls me by the hair, nearly ripping it from its root.
I do the same.
We’re clutching each other by the hair, but instead of feeling the pain, all we offer each other are glares.
“We had an arrangement,” she manages to mutter.
“And you ruined it.”
“Oh, I did? Are you hearing yourself?”
“I told you at the club I’d stay out of your way as long as you stayed out of mine, and what did you do? You were running your claws all over my fiancé. My —”
I cut myself off before I say more, before I admit that seeing her with him has put me entirely off balance, that I might’ve even felt small in comparison, that maybe she fits him more than I’ll ever do. Silver is the daughter of Sebastian Queens, the most probable future prime minister. Her mother is a member of parliament who’s a smart, beautiful and eloquent. Even her stepmother, Cole’s mother, is a bestselling, genius author who’s known for her intelligent storytelling. Silver is the epitome of everything an earl’s son should be with. Her outfits are always pristine, she smells of Chanel and is a social media goddess with picturesque family and life. She even plays the fucking piano.
I never feel small. I don’t allow myself to.
What on earth is Ronan Astor doing to me?
“You were there first.” She grunts. “I’m not a nice person, Teal. Don’t test me.”
“I’m not a nice person either.”
We glare at each other for long seconds, and then we release each other at the same time.
“Stay away, and I will,” she warns, putting her hair back in place with utter elegance that resembles Charlotte’s. While Ronan’s mother is soft, Silver is all rugged edges and plays the bitch role all too well.
Elsa and Kim already categorise her as such. In fact, the entire school considers her queen bee. After seeing her at the club, it’s hard for me to look at her from that perspective.
“I thought you didn’t like him.” I study my black nails. “It seemed that way at the club.”
Her cheeks redden. “Shut up.”
“I’m only saying it as I see it, Silver.”
“Oh, you want me to say it as I see it, too?” She straightens, and since she’s taller, she uses every inch to look down at me. “You’re afraid of Ronan, Teal.”
“Me, afraid?” I scoff.
“Yes. You know he can barge through the whole goth and satanic exterior and see the real girl inside, and you don’t want that, so you picked up the defence and decided to protect your walls. But you know what? You can’t protect your walls and claim him at the same time. One of these days, you’ll have to choose.” She flips her hair. “But what do I know, right?”
I continue staring at Silver’s back as she heads to her car.
Her words swirl in my mind, but their impact is a lot worse than she aimed for. She wanted to make me feel guilty so I’d go to Ronan and leave her plan alone, but a different realisation hits me.
I realise I am feeling after my vow not to ever feel again.
And I realise I need to get rid of these feelings.
Only one way to go about this.
