INSIDE A BLACK RANGE ROVER on the way back to San Francisco…
Caroline: Okay, I can do this…It’s only a few hours back into the city. I can be the bigger person here. I can act like he didn’t pull an all stop at the thought of seeing my tatas last night—and what the hell? What man says no to tatas? I mean, they’re nice tatas. They were pushed up nice and tight, and they were wet, for Christ’s sake…Why didn’t he want my tatas? Caroline, just settle down…Just smile at him and act like everything is fine. Wait, he’s looking over here. Smile! Okay, he smiled back…Stupid tata turner-downer…I mean, what’s up with that? And he was hard!
…
Simon: She’s smiling at me…I can smile back at her, right? I mean, we’re acting natural, right? Okay, done. I hope that looked more natural than it felt. Jesus, who knew a giant sweater would look so good on a girl…But everything looks pretty good on Caroline—especially that green bikini. Did I really turn her down last night? God, it would have been so easy to just…But then I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I??? Jesus, Simon. Well, we were drunk…Correction, she was drunk. Would she have regretted it? She might have. Couldn’t risk it? Might have been a bit of a disaster…Or was it the girls? I shouldn’t do that to the girls either. But it’s not even really working so well with the girls these days, now is it? Huh, I didn’t think about them once this weekend…because I couldn’t stop thinking about Caroline. She’s looking at me again…What the hell are we going to talk about the whole way back to the city? Ryan isn’t even paying attention. Bastard. I told him he needed to help me out…He’s helping himself to a handful of Mimi. I’m almost sorry Caroline and I worked so hard to push them together. Hmm…Caroline and I…Caroline and me in a hot tub where bikinis are outlawed…Jesus, wait a minute—yep, now I’ve got a semi…
…
Caroline: Why is he twitching like that? Jesus, does he have to pee? Maybe I have to pee. Maybe this would be a good time to suggest a pee break…Then I can grab Mimi and make sure she knows the reason they’re riding with us is not so they can suck face the whole way, but to run interference for me with Scared of Tatas over there. Okay, just ask him to pull over at the next gas station. Wow, he really does have to pee, I guess. I hope this gas station has Gardetto’s.
…
Simon: Thank God she wanted to stop. Now I can adjust without looking like a pervert…oh, who am I kidding? I am a pervert. I’m riding in a car with a woman who was straddling me last night and just the thought of it makes me hard. Pervert, pervert, pervert. I hope this gas station has Gardetto’s.
…
Mimi: Ooh! We’re stopping! I hope this gas station has bubble gum!
…
Ryan: Oh, man, we’re stopping already? We’re not going to make it back to the city before dark. Mimi wants me to see her place, and I’m really hoping that means walk around naked and let me watch…I hope this gas station has condoms.
…
Caroline: Okay, you could have handled that a little better. Mimi suggesting you and Simon split the big bag of Gardetto’s was not that big of a deal. Am I a little sensitive today? Yes, I suppose I am…But I know for a fact that Simon was checking out my ass as I walked away from the car. Why the hell is he checking out my ass now? Last night he didn’t even want to peek under my bikini. Is he really that complicated? Why the hell is he looking at me? He’s reaching his hand out. Stay still, Caroline, stay still…Oh, sesame seed on my chin. Well, if you weren’t looking at my mouth, Mr. Mixed Messages, you wouldn’t even have noticed it. You will never get this sesame seed now, buddy. Damn! Why does this sweater have to smell so good? I hope he hasn’t noticed me sniffing this sweater the whole way.
…
Simon: She’s really sniffly today. I hope she isn’t catching a cold. We spent so much time outside this weekend…I would hate for her to come down with something. She just sniffled again. Should I offer her a Kleenex?
…
Mimi: Busted, Caroline. I totally knew you were sniffing that sweater.
…
Ryan: I wonder if Mimi has any more of that bubble gum? I hope she didn’t notice me buying those condoms. I mean, I don’t want to be presumptuous. But I definitely want to be under her again sometime very, very soon. Who knew someone so tiny could be so loud…and now I’m hard.
…
Mimi: Ryan Hall…Mimi Reyes Hall…Mimi Hall…Mimi Reyes-Hall…
…
Caroline: Okay, Caroline, time to have that difficult conversation—with yourself. Why exactly did you throw yourself at Simon last night? Was it the wine? Was it the music? The voodoo? Was it the combination of all those things? Okay, okay, no more bullshit. I did it because…because…Fuck, I need some more Gardetto’s.
…
Simon: She’s so pretty. I mean, there’s pretty and then there’s pretty…What a pussy I am. Fuck pretty—she’s beautiful…pussy…And she smells good…pussy…Why do some girls just smell better? Some girls smell like flowery, fruity bullshit. I mean, why would some girls want to smell like a mango? Why should a girl smell like a mango? Maybe if I think the word mango enough I won’t think about pussy anymore. Caroline…mango…Caroline…pussy…God! And now I’m hard…
…
Caroline: He looks like he needs to pee again…He’s drinking too much coffee. He’s had like six cups already from that thermos. That’s funny…He never has a second cup at home. Why the hell do I know how many cups of coffee he drinks? Face it, Caroline, you know so much about him because…because…
…
Ryan: Dude, we’re stopping again? We are never gonna make it home. My boy is having some serious issues today…I should probably see if he wants to get a beer or something when we get back—in case he wants to come clean about what really happened last night. Should I offer? Wow, Mimi looks fantastic in those pants…I wonder if she’s buying more bubble gum.
…
Mimi: Stop sniffing your sweater, Caroline! Seriously, girl. If I could just get her alone…Okay, Simon seems to be hobbling toward the men’s room. I can get her alone by the beef jerky.
…
Caroline: Ugh…I can’t believe Mimi knew I was sniffing the sweater. I wonder if Simon noticed.
…
Simon: She seems better…She’s not sniffling any more.
…
Mimi: I need to text Sophia. She needs to know the Simon/Caroline situation is not getting any better. What the hell are we gonna do with these two? I mean, seriously…sometimes people just can’t see what’s right in front of them. Aawww…Ryan wants me to scratch his back. I adore him…And damn, are his fingers long…
…
Ryan: Mmmm…back…scratch…back…scratch…Mmmm…
…
Caroline: Okay, no more avoiding it in your own head, Reynolds. And now I’m serious because I’m using my last name. Now listen up, Reynolds…Heeheehee…I sound like such a badass!
…
Simon: So…she’s giggling? Inside joke, she says. So maybe she is okay with how this is going—oops, grabbed the wrong bag of Gardetto’s. Did she just growl at me?
…
Caroline: Turn my tatas down and then try to steal my Gardetto’s? I don’t think so, buddy. Okay, Reynolds, no more giggling. You can’t avoid this forever, even in your own mind. Here are the questions on deck: 1. Why did you throw yourself at Simon last night? And you’re not allowed to blame alcohol or music or vacation vibes or Nerves or Heart or anything. 2. Why did he turn you down? If he didn’t want to go there, why has he been flirting with you for weeks, and not just in the neighborly way? He’s got a harem, for God’s sake. He’s not a Puritan. Agh!! 3. Does being rejected by Simon have anything to do with the date you agreed to with James? 4. How the hell do Simon and I go back to being just friends when we know what the inside of each other’s mouths taste like? And his tastes very, very, very good. Okay, yes. You can sniff the sweater one more time—just don’t let anyone see you.
…
Simon: I have to figure this shit out with Caroline. She’s so great, and I mean so great…Has there ever been a woman who’s possessed every single quality I’ve been looking for? Except for Natalie Portman, of course. But Caroline? I have to stop watching so much Lifetime—I mean what guy in his own mind even thinks in sentences like: “Has there ever been a woman who’s possessed every single quality I’ve been looking for?” Wait, have I been looking for that woman? No, I haven’t. I don’t have time for that, space for that—and my girls don’t want the picket fence. They keep away the picket fencers. Caroline says she isn’t a picket fencer…Katie found her picket fence, and I’m happy for her. When’s the last time I even talked to Nadia or Lizzie? Maybe they’re not right for me anymore. I don’t want them the way I might want…could want Caroline. You’re such a pussy, Parker…Jesus, Caroline—she’s a fucking keeper…Wait a minute. What the hell? Are you really entertaining the idea of a…gulp…relationship? And why the fuck did I actually think the word “gulp”? That was a little dramatic, Parker. Come on, think about this…If I recall correctly, you invited her to Spain! Don’t run away from it. Dude, did she just sniff her sweater?
…
Ryan: Mmmm…my girl likes beef jerky—could I be any luckier? She scratches my back and eats beef jerky. I have died and gone somewhere like heaven.
…
Mimi: I can’t believe he ate all my beef jerky. What a jerky. Heehee.
…
Caroline: Question 1 is too hard. I can’t start with that one. I’ll answer them in reverse order. 4. I don’t know if we can be friends, but I really want to be—and not in the fake way. I really like Simon, and even though what happened last night sucked major balls, I think we can figure this out…And I would like to have some of whatever I’m smoking. 3. OF COURSE I AGREED TO GO OUT WITH JAMES BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED WITH SIMON! It’s funny how that shows up in all caps even in my head. 2. If I knew why he turned me down, I’d be a fucking genius. Bad breath? No. Because I was drunk? Possibly…But if it’s because we were drunk that’s the worst timing for chivalry in the history of the universe. He did keep saying “I can’t” and that it was a “mistake.” Now, mistake perhaps. But might have been worth it…Maybe he was just being faithful to his harem? Which in an odd way is quite sweet. I know he really does care about them. Dammit, he’s even great when it comes to them! But I know “I can’t” wasn’t accurate. “Can’t” implies some kind of erectile dysfunction. And I felt that junk on my thigh. Sigh. Sigh for thigh. This sweater is doing things to my head. Sniff…
…
Simon: She just sniffed it again—why does she keep doing that? When I wore it I didn’t notice it smelling like anything other than wool. Girls are weird…weirdly wonderful…Pussy…Caroline’s pussy…Aaand I’m hard. Why the hell am I even pretending I’m not totally and completely over the moon for this girl? And it has nothing to do with her pussy…and now I’m harder.
…
Caroline: Stop trying to get out of answering this question. Face it head on! Why did you throw yourself at Simon, forgetting about the friendship and the harem and the O drought and all of the very good reasons you had for staying away from him and his banger voodoo??? Come on, Caroline. Suck it up and say it. What was it he said when you asked him why he kissed you that night you met? “Because I had to.” Jesus, even in my head he sounds amazing saying that…There’s your answer, Caroline: because you had to. And now you have to figure this shit out. I kissed him, and he kissed me because we had to. And the choices we made were ours and ours alone…And the fact that he stopped it and said he couldn’t? Even after all the ridiculous weeks of flirting? After he invited me to Spain? Motherfucking Spain! And I want to go to motherfucking Spa—wait, do I want to go to Spain with him? Argh! Spain Schmain. Anyway, he better have a damn good reason because I am a fucking catch—O or no O—I am a fucking catch. Yeah, you are, Reynolds. Weird how you flip back and forth between first and third person during your inner monologues, though…Thank Christ, the Bay Bridge! Enough introspection…
…
Simon: Shit, the Bay Bridge. We’re almost home, and I have no idea how this is going to go with Caroline. We’ve barely said anything the entire way—although I’m glad to be almost home. I smell like beef jerky, and I need to jerk off like you wouldn’t believe…
…
Mimi: Yay! The Bay Bridge! I wonder if Ryan would mind spending the night at my place!
…
Ryan: Thank fuck, the Bay Bridge. We’re almost home. I wonder if Mimi knows I’m spending the night at her place—and planning on making her call in sick tomorrow? Little girl, the things I plan to do to you…But I’m never eating that much beef jerky again. This has been the quietest road trip ever.
We dropped off the new couple at Mimi’s—not that they particularly noticed—they were in their own bubble gum world—and continued on to our apartments. Though we’d mostly just been lost in our thoughts, the tension had grown during the drive, and it was even more noticeable now that we were alone in the car. Simon and I had always had things to talk about, but now that we had so much to discuss, we were silent. I didn’t want things to be weird, and I knew I’d have to be the one to make sure he knew I was okay now. He’d already done his part to have a mature conversation, and once again my bull-in-a-china-shop delivery seemed to have taken care of that.
A vision of me announcing on the deck, at full volume, that I’d made a pass at Simon flashed across my mind, and while my cheeks certainly heated in embarrassment, I also had a mental chuckle at how odd I must have looked, arms flailing, mouth set as though I could spit nails. And then barking at frightened Simon to follow me to the beach. He must have wondered if I was going to thrash him and dump his body in the lake.
Looking at his hands on the steering wheel, the very hands that were on me in a very pronounced way the night before, I marveled at his ability to stop himself, because I know for a fact he had been in to it. Or his body had been, at least, if not his head.
The thing is, though, I did think his head was in it, at least until he thought about it too much. I glanced over at him once more, noticing we were pulling down our street. As we stopped at the curb, he looked over at me, biting down on the same lower lip that less than twenty-four hours ago I’d had the good fortune to be biting on.
He sprang from the car and ran around to my side before I even had my seatbelt unbuckled.
“Um, I’m just gonna…get the bags,” he stammered, and I studied him closely. He ran his left hand through his hair while his right drummed against the side of the car. Was he nervous?
“So, yeah,” he stammered again, disappearing around the back.
Yep, he was nervous, just as nervous as I was. He worried my bag out of the car, and we slogged up the three flights of stairs to our apartments. We were still not talking, so the only sound was our keys jangling in the locks. I couldn’t leave it like this. I had to square with him. I took a deep breath, and turned. “Simon, I—”
“Look, Caroline—”
We both laughed a little.
“You go.”
“No, you go,” he said.
“Nope. What were you gonna say?”
“What were you gonna say?”
“Hey, spit it out, bucko. I got a pussy to rescue from two queens downstairs,” I instructed, hearing Clive call to me from the apartment below.
Simon snorted and leaned against his door. “I guess I just wanted to say I had a really great time this weekend.”
“Until last night, right?” I leaned against my own door, watching him flinch as I addressed the elephant in the hot tub.
“Caroline,” he breathed, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back.
He looked like he was in actual pain as his face twisted. I took pity. I shouldn’t have, but I did.
“Hey, can we just forget it happened?” I said. “I mean, I know we can’t, but can we pretend to forget it? I know people say things won’t get weird all the time, but then it always does. How can we make sure things don’t get weird?”
He opened his eyes and looked hard at me. “I guess we just don’t let it. We make sure it doesn’t get weird. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded and was rewarded with the first real smile I’d seen since I unwrapped my sweater back in Tahoe. He gathered up his bag.
“Play me something good tonight, ’kay?” I asked as I headed inside.
“You got it,” he answered, and we shut our doors.
But he didn’t play me big band that night.
And we didn’t speak again that week.
“Who peed in your chili?”
I looked up from my desk to see Jillian, composed as always with her casually elegant chignon, black pencil trousers, white silk blouse, and raspberry cashmere sweater wrap. How did I know it was cashmere from across the room? Because it was Jillian.
I selected one of the five pencils currently stuck in my twisted hair bun and returned my attention to the mess that was my desk. It was Wednesday, and this week was both flying by and dragging simultaneously. No word from Simon. No texts from Simon. No songs from Simon.
But I hadn’t reached out to him either.
I was consumed with finishing the last few details on the Nicholson house, ordering expensive knickknacks for James’s condo, and starting the sketches for a commercial design project I had lined up for next month. It looked like chaos, but sometimes it was the only way I could get work done. There were days that I needed neat and orderly, and days when I needed the mess on my desk to reflect the mess in my head. This was that day.
“What’s up, Jillian?” I barked, knocking over my cup of colored pencils as I grabbed for my coffee.
“How much coffee have you had today, Miss Caroline?” She laughed, taking the seat opposite me and handing me the pencils that had spilled on the floor.
“Hard to say…how many cups are in a pot and a half?” I answered, restacking some papers to clear a space for her teacup. The woman walked around drinking tea out of a bone china cup, but it worked for her.
“Wow, I take it you aren’t seeing any clients today?” she asked, leaning over the desk and casually removing my coffee cup. I hissed at her, and she wisely put it back.
“Nope, no clients,” I answered, shoving the new sketches into color-coordinated folders and stuffing them into their appropriate drawers.
“Okay, sister, what’s up?”
“What do you mean? I’m working—what you pay me to do, remember?” I snapped, grabbing for a ring of fabric swatches and knocking my flower vase over. I’d picked out dark purple, almost black tulips for this week, and they were now all over the floor. I sighed heavily and forced myself to slow down. My hands shook from the caffeine arguing through my system, and as I sat and surveyed the state of affairs in my office I felt two fat tears forming in my eyes.
“Damn,” I muttered and covered my face with my hands. I sat for a minute, listening to the tick of the retro clock on the wall, and waited for Jillian to say something. When she didn’t, I peeked through my hands at her. She was standing by the door with my jacket and purse in her hands.
“Are you throwing me out?” I whispered as the tears launched themselves down my face. She waved her arm and beckoned me toward the door. Grudgingly I stood, and she draped my sweater around my shoulders and handed me my purse.
“Come on, dearie. You’re buying me lunch.” She winked and pulled me down the hallway.
Twenty minutes later she had me ensconced in an ornate red booth hidden partially behind two gold curtains. She’d brought me to her favorite restaurant in Chinatown, ordered me chamomile tea, and waited in silence for me to explain my semi breakdown. Actually, it was not entirely silent; we’d ordered the sizzling rice soup.
“So, you must’ve had a helluva weekend in Tahoe, huh?” she finally asked.
I laughed into my sizzle. “You could say that.”
“What happened?”
“Well, Sophia and Neil finally got together and—”
“Wait a minute, Sophia and Neil? I thought Sophia was with Ryan?”
“She was, she was, but truthfully she was always meant to be with Neil, so it all worked out in the end.”
“Poor Mimi and Ryan. That must’ve been weird for them.”
“Ha! Oh yes, poor Mimi and Ryan. They got it on in the pool house, for God’s sake.” I snorted.
Jillian’s eyes grew wide. “In the pool house…wow,” she breathed, and I nodded.
We sizzled.
“So, Simon went to Tahoe, right?” she asked a few minutes later, looking everywhere but at me. I cracked a small smile at her imagined stealth. Jillian was many, many things, but subtle was not one.
“Yep, Simon was there.”
“And how was that?”
“It was great, and then it wasn’t, and now it’s weird,” I admitted, setting aside my soup to drink my tea. It was soothing and non-caffeinated, which Jillian had insisted on.
“So, no pool house for you two?” she asked, still glancing around the restaurant as though she weren’t asking me anything of importance.
“No, Jillian, no pool house. We hot tubbed, but we did not pool house,” I said emphatically, and then I spilled my guts and told her the entire ridiculous story.
She listened, she hmm’d and groaned in the right places, and she got indignant in the right places too. By the time I was finished, I was in tears again, which was really pissing me off.
“And the stink of it all, I shouldn’t have been doing it, but he is the one who stopped it, and I don’t really think he wanted to!” I huffed, angrily wiping tears away with my napkin.
“So why do you think he did?”
“He’s gay?” I offered, and she smiled. I took a deep breath and got control.
Jillian looked at me thoughtfully and then finally leaned in. “You realize we are two smart women who are not acting very smart right now,” she said.
“Huh?”
“We know better than to try to figure out what a man is up to. This’ll get worked out when it’s supposed to. And your tears? These are tension tears, frustration tears—nothing more. I’ll tell you one thing, though.”
“What’s that?”
“As long as I’ve known Simon, I’ve never heard of him inviting someone on a shoot with him, ever. I mean, inviting you to Spain? That’s very unlike Simon.”
“Well, who knows if I’m even invited anymore.” I sighed dramatically.
“You’re still friends, right?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “Why don’t you just ask him?” When I didn’t respond she added, “Stick that in your pipe and suck it.”
“I think it’s smoke it, Jillian. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.”
“Ah, smoke it, suck it, whatever. Eat your fortune cookie, sweetie.” She smiled, nudging the cookie across the table. I cracked it open and removed the fortune.
“What does yours say?” I asked.
“Fire all employees who have more than one pencil in their hair,” she stated seriously. We laughed together, and I could feel some of the tension finally leaving my body.
“What does yours say?” she asked.
I opened it up, read the words, and rolled my eyes to the ceiling. “Stupid fortune cookie,” I sighed, and handed it to her.
She read it and her eyes went wide again. “Oh, man, are you in for it! Come in, let’s go back to work.”
She laughed, tugging my hand and leading me from the restaurant. She gave the fortune back to me, and I started to throw it away, but then slipped it into my purse:
Be aware of the walls you build
and what could be on the other side
Confucius, you kill me.
Text from James to Caroline:
Hey there.
Hey to you.
We still on for Friday night?
Yep, I’m in. Where are we going for dinner?
There’s a great new Vietnamese restaurant I
’ve been wanting to try.
Have you forgotten I’m not really big on Vietnamese food?
Come on, you know it’s my favorite. You can get soup!
Fine, Vietnamese it is. I’ll find something.
BTW, the last of your furniture should be delivered Monday. I’ll be there to receive and place.
How much longer until the project is finished?
Except for a few pieces in the bedroom,
should be all done by next weekend.
Ahead of deadline I might add…
Very good. Will you also be there
to finish things in the bedroom?
Stop it, Jamie.
I hate when you call me Jamie.
I know, Jamie. See you Friday night
The day had exhausted me. I literally had nothing left. I had plans to go to yoga, really I did, but as the evening approached all I wanted to do was go home. I wanted Clive, and I could no longer pretend that I didn’t also want Simon. Maybe he would be home? As I walked up the stairs I could hear Simon’s TV through the door. I was already turning my key in my lock when I thought about my fortune cookie. I could knock on the door, right? I could just say hi, right? As I debated, I heard his phone ring, followed by his voice through the door.
“Nadia? Hey, how are you?” he said, and that made up my mind for me. He had his harem, and I couldn’t possibly enter in to something like that. If I wanted Simon, I wanted all of Simon. I’d promised myself no more messing around. As I felt tears prick at my eyes for the thousandth time that day, I walked in to find Clive waiting for me, and I smiled through my tears. I picked him up, cuddling him to me as he told me all about his day in cat speak. I interpreted for him, and it would seem that Clive’s day consisted of a light snack, a nap, about thirty minutes of grooming, another snack, another nap, and then he watched the neighborhood for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Leftover takeout with Ina and Jeffrey on the couch, a quick shower, and I packed it in early. I simply could not allow this day to go on any longer.
With Clive curled between my legs, I went to sleep, again with no music from the other side of the wall.
The following night I stood in front of my mirror, trying on different shoes for my date/not a date/of course it’s a date with James. I’d almost called him twice today to back out, but in the end, I pushed through it and got dressed. Sometimes a girl just needs to get dressed up, and tonight I was dressed to kill: thin, fitted black blouse, tight red pencil skirt, teetery tall heels.
I’d been conflicted about this event, whatever it was, all week long. But I wanted to go. Was I using James a little? Perhaps. But I did have a good time with him, and maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for us to start back up again.
“Caroline Reynolds, you heartbreaker,” I whispered to myself in the mirror. I actually cracked myself up. Clive was embarrassed for both of us and hid his nose behind his paw. I was still laughing when I heard the knock at the door. I slipped into my heels and went for the door, Clive close behind.
I took a deep breath, and opened it. “Hey, James.”
“Caroline, you look great,” he murmured, stepping inside and catching me into a hug.
As his arms went around me, I knew immediately. This was a date.
He smelled spicy. I don’t know why girls always say boys smell spicy, but some do. And it’s a good thing, warm and spicy. But not like potpourri…
I hugged him back, enjoying the way my body still fit with his. We always were good at the hugging.
“You ready to go?”
“Yep, let me grab my bag.” I knelt to give Clive a quick kiss. He tossed his tail angrily in James’s direction and wouldn’t let me kiss him.
“What’s your problem?” I asked Clive, who turned and showed me his rear end.
“You know, that’s starting to become a very rude habit, Mr. Clive,” I warned him as I picked up my purse from the table. I stuck my tongue out at Clive, grabbed James, and locked the door behind us.
“Okay, so dinner?” I asked as we stood outside my door.
“Yep, dinner,” he replied, standing very close to me. We stared at each other—for only seconds really, but it felt much longer. He stepped a little closer, and my breath caught. Of course, just then Simon decided to open his door.
“Hey, Caroline! I was just—Oh, hi. James, right?” His smile faded slightly when he saw my dinner date. Date, date, date.
“Sheldon, right?” James said, offering his hand.
“Simon, actually.” He raised his trash-bag-filled hands and declined the shake. “After you.” He nodded to the stairs, and the three of us began to troop down together.
“So, where are you two crazy kids off to tonight?” Simon asked as we walked ahead of him.
I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck, and as I hit the landing I looked back. He had a fake smile plastered across his face, and his voice was colder than I’d ever heard it before.
“Caroline and I are headed out for dinner,” James answered.
I smiled back over my shoulder. “Yes, some lovely little Vietnamese restaurant,” I cooed, pretending to be thrilled.
“You don’t like Vietnamese food,” he said, frowning.
This made me smile. “I’m going to try the soup,” I answered.
James locked eyes with Simon as he held the door for me. He let it swing right as Simon came through with his hands full of trash bags, but I caught it just in time.
“Well, have a good night,” I said as James walked me toward his car with his hand on the small of my back.
“’Night,” Simon answered, lips tight. I could tell he was irritated.
Good.
James bundled me into the car, and we were off.
The dinner was fine. I ordered fried rice off of the fusion side of the menu, and when it arrived, for a moment all I could think about was eating noodles on a houseboat in the middle of Ha Long Bay with Simon.
But as I said, dinner was fine, the conversation fine, the man I was with, fine. He was a fine-looking man with a great future ahead, his own adventures to be had, mountains to conquer. And tonight, I was the mountain. I kind of wanted to let him climb.
He walked me upstairs to my door, even though I could have stopped him from coming all the way up. As I dug for my keys, I could hear Simon’s phone ringing, and he answered.
“Nadia? Hi. Yep, ready when you are.” He laughed.
My heart clenched. Fine. I turned to say goodnight to James, devastatingly handsome and right there. Right there in front of me. O had been gone a long time, and she and James had once been close. Could he? Would he? I was going to find out. I invited him in.
As I pulled a bottle of wine from the fridge, I watched him scan the room, taking stock of everything: the Bose sound system, the Eames chair by the desk. He even checked out my crystal as I handed him his glass. He thanked me, his eyes burning into mine as our fingers slipped past each other.
Nature took over. Hands knew, skin recognized, lips teased and became reacquainted. It was new and old at the same time, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good. His shirt came off. My skirt dropped, I kicked off my heels, and our arms wrapped and tucked in. Eventually and inevitably, we headed to the bedroom.
I bounced lightly on the bed, watching through hazy eyes as he knelt before me on the floor.
“I missed you.”
“I know.” I pulled him on top of me. Everything was fine, everything was as it should be, and as I mechanically wrapped my legs around his waist, his belt buckle digging cold into my thigh, he looked deeply into my eyes and smiled.
“I’m so glad I needed a decorator.”
And just like that, fine was not enough.
“No, James.” I sighed, pushing at his shoulders.
“What, baby?”
I hated when he called me baby.
“No, no, just no. Get up.” I sighed again as he continued to kiss my neck. Tears sprang to my eyes as I realized what used to make me feel something now made me feel nothing at all.
“You’re kidding, right?” He moaned in my ear, and I pushed him again.
“I said get up, James,” I said, a little louder this time.
He got the message. Doesn’t mean he was happy to hear it. He stood up as I smoothed my shirt, which was thankfully still mostly buttoned.
“You gotta go,” I managed, tears beginning to track down my cheeks.
“Caroline, what the—”
“Just go, okay? Just go!” I yelled. It wasn’t fair to him, but I had to be fair to myself. I couldn’t go backward, not now.
I clasped my hands to my face and heard him sigh, then stomp off, slamming the door. I couldn’t blame him. He must’ve been in blue-ball hell. I was sad and mad and a little bit tipsy, and I hated my O. My eyes landed on one of my Come Fuck Me shoes on the floor, and I threw it as hard as I could into the living room.
“Ooof!” I heard a deep voice utter, and it was not James Brown’s. It was the man I did want in my bed, and the one I was most mad at right now. Holding the shoe like some kind of late-night Prince Charming to my slutty O-less Cinderella, Simon appeared in my doorway, barefoot and in his pajama bottoms. The sight of his perfect speedbump abs crossed me over from pissed off to M. A. D.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked, angrily wiping my tears from my face. He was going to see me cry.
“Um, I heard you and James…Well, I heard you, and then I heard you yelling, and I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he stammered.
“You’re not here to rescue me, are you?” I bit back, air-quoting the rescue.
He backed away as I crawled off the bed, seeming scared of my impending explosion. Even I knew this was going to be ugly.
“Why do all men seem to think they need to rescue a woman? Are we not capable of rescuing our damn selves? Why do I need to be rescued? I don’t need a man to rescue me, and I certainly don’t need no wallbanging, Purina-fucking, listening-at-my-wall-like-a-goddamn-psycho coming over here to rescue me! You got that, mister?”
I was pointing and waving my arms around like someone was going to take them away from me. He had every right to look scared.
“I mean, what the hell is with you men? I’ve got one who wants me back, and one who doesn’t want anything to do with me! One who wants to be my boyfriend, but can’t even remember that I’m an interior designer. Designer! Not a fucking decorator!”
I was on a roll. At this point I was just ranting, plain and simple. I stalked in a circle around Simon, pacing and shouting while he tried to follow me, finally just standing still and watching me with huge eyes.
“I mean, you shouldn’t force someone to eat Vietnamese food if they don’t like Vietnamese food, should you? I shouldn’t have to eat it, should I, Simon?”
“No, Caroline, I don’t think you should—” he started.
“No, of course I shouldn’t, so I got the fried rice! Fried rice, Simon! I’m not gonna eat Vietnamese food ever again—not for James, not for you, not for anyone! You got that?”
“Well, Caroline, I think—”
“And for your information,” I continued, “I did not need a rescue tonight! I took care of it myself. He’s gone. And I know you think James is some kind of psycho, but he isn’t,” I said, beginning to lose momentum. My lower lip quivered again, and I fought it, but finally let go. “He isn’t a bad guy. He just…he just…he just isn’t the right guy for me.” I sighed, sinking down to the floor in front of my bed and holding my head in my hands.
I cried for a moment, while Simon remained frozen above me. I finally looked up at him. “Hello? Girl crying down here!” I sputtered.
He swallowed a smile and sat down in front of me. He pulled me off the floor and gathered me into his arms. And I totally let him. He settled me onto his lap and held me close as I cried into his chest. He was warm and gentle, and even though I knew better—oh, how I knew better—I tucked into the nook and let him comfort me. His hands ran up and down my back as I sobbed, his fingertips making the tiniest of circles on my shoulder blades as I breathed him in. It had been so long since I’d been held, just held, by a man that between the tiny circles and the scent of his fabric softener I was losing my senses.
Finally my sobs began to quiet as he held me close, cross-legged on my floor. “Why didn’t you play me music this week?” I sniffled.
“My needle was broken. I have to get it fixed.”
“Oh, I thought maybe…well, I missed it is all,” I said shyly.
He smoothed back my hair and brought his hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “I missed you.” He smiled gently.
“Me too,” I breathed, and his sapphires began to spin. Oh no. No voodoo. “How was Purina? Good? Bet she missed you too,” I whispered and watched his face change.
“Why do you keep bringing up Nadia?”
“I heard you on the phone with her earlier. Sounded like you were making plans.”
“Yes, I met her for drinks.”
“Please. You expect me to believe she didn’t come over?” I asked, noticing I was still on his lap.
“Ask your cat. Did he go crazy tonight?” Simon pointed at Clive, who had returned and was now watching us from the back of the couch.
“No, he didn’t, actually.”
“That’s because she didn’t come over. We met for drinks to say goodbye.” Simon looked at me carefully.
My heart began to beat so loud there was no way he couldn’t hear it. Why did Heart have to be so in to this? “Goodbye?”
“Yep, she’s going back to Moscow to finish her degree there.”
Heart settled down a bit. “Oh, so you said goodbye because she was leaving, not for any other reason. Silly me.” I lifted myself off his lap as he held me closer. I struggled.
“She’s leaving, yes, but that’s not why we said goodbye. I—”
I continued to wiggle. “Wow, only the Giggler left! And then there was one. I guess technically one does not make a harem, so will she be shouldering the load for the others or will you need to be interviewing for some more women? How does that work exactly?” I snapped.
“Actually, I’m going to be having a conversation with Lizzie very soon as well. I think we’re going to be just friends from now on,” he said, watching me closely. “What used to work for me just doesn’t work anymore.”
All stop. What? “It doesn’t work for you anymore?” I breathed, not daring to believe it.
“Mm-hmm,” he answered, his nose dipping down to the skin just below my ear and breathing deep.
Would he notice if I licked his shoulder? Just the tiniest taste?
“Caroline?”
“Yes, Simon?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t play music for you this week. I’m sorry that I…well, let’s just say I’m sorry for a lot of things.”
“Okay,” I breathed.
“Can I ask you something?”
“No, I don’t have any zucchini bread,” I whispered, and his laugh echoed through the room. I laughed along, in spite of myself. I’d missed laughing with Simon.
“Come to Spain with me,” he whispered.
“Wait, what?” I asked again, my voice wavering. What, what, what? “Are you serious?”
“I’m very serious.”
I had to remind myself to breathe. Already heady from the voodoo and fabric softener, I shook my head to clear it. He was going Spain on me?
I was glad he seemed focused on the space behind my ear, because I doubted he’d be as interested if he could see how my eyes were now crossed. I needed a moment. I pulled myself away, finally standing up.
“I’m gonna go wash my face. Don’t go anywhere,” I instructed.
“Sweet Caroline, I’m not going anywhere,” he said, his sexy smile returning.
I made myself walk away. Every step I took, every thunk of my heels on the hardwood was like a chant in my head: Spain. Spain. Spain. Once in the bathroom, I splashed some water on my face, most of it going into my mouth because I couldn’t stop smiling. New harem head count: two down, one to go? There were times to be cautious, and then there were times when you just needed to go balls-out and take a risk. I needed some backbone. I thought about what Jillian had said earlier today, and I went with my impulse. I steeled myself, took out my figurative balls, and headed back out.
“Okay, it’s late, Simon. Time for you to go.” I took him by the hand, pulled him off the floor, and led him toward the front door.
“Um, really? You want me to go? Don’t you want to, I don’t know…talk a little more?” he asked. “I wanted to tell you how—”
I continued to pull him. “Nope. No more talking tonight. I’m tired.” I opened my door and ushered him out to the landing. He started to say something else, and I held up two fingers. “I need to say two things, okay? Two things.”
He nodded.
“First, you hurt my feelings in Tahoe,” I began, and he tried to interrupt me. “Shut it, Simon. I don’t want a rehash. But just know you hurt me. Don’t do it again,” I finished. I couldn’t stop my smile when I saw his reaction.
His eyes hit the floor, his entire body contrite. “Caroline, I’m really sorry about all that. You have to know that I just wanted to—”
“Apology accepted.” I smiled again and began to close my door.
His head popped up immediately. “Wait, wait. What was the second thing?” he called, leaning into my doorway. I stepped closer to him, bringing my body within inches of his. I could feel the heat of his skin across the tiny space between us, and I closed my eyes against the onslaught of emotions. I breathed deep and opened my eyes to look in to the sexy sapphires gazing down at me.
“I’m coming with you to Spain,” I said. And with a wink, I closed the door in his astonished face.
