“Nikolas?”
I pulled my gaze from the rain running down the coffee shop window and looked at Chris. “Sorry, what were you saying?”
“I said I’m going to take a few guys and check out that lead in San Francisco tomorrow. Unless you already put someone else on it.”
“No, it’s all yours.”
We’d gotten a tip yesterday that Adele might be using a third party in San Francisco to communicate with Madeline. I’d planned to send Raoul, but if Chris wanted to go, I had no problem with that.
He sipped his coffee. “This should be an easy recon job. I was thinking it might be a good one for Jordan.”
“Jordan? She’s still a trainee.”
Chris laughed. “Don’t let her hear you say that. She’ll probably kick your ass just to prove you wrong.”
I smiled. “You’re probably right.”
Jordan had already seen more action than most first-year warriors. She was also one of the best young swordsmen I’d seen, better than I’d been at her age. And just as driven to prove herself. She’d been asking me for weeks to let her go on a job.
“Is that a yes?”
I picked up my coffee. “Yes. She’s ready.”
I stared at the rain again. Jordan was going to be ecstatic, but I wasn’t sure how Sara would take the news. She’d be happy for her friend, but she’d also question why she was the only one not allowed to go on a job. And none of the answers I gave her were going to go over well.
Since our talk the morning after the Vancouver attack, I was more understanding of her need for independence and her struggle to keep her own identity. I couldn’t turn off my protectiveness for her, but I could give her room to grow.
I accepted the fact that she would someday be a warrior, as much as that scared the hell out of me, and I was doing everything I could to prepare her for that day. For the last three weeks, I had trained her hard, and I’d watched her work tirelessly with Desmund until he’d left yesterday to go back to Westhorne. She worked with Eldeorin every day now as well, although I still had no idea what went on in their training.
I wished I could say our relationship was progressing as well as her training, but we seemed to be at a standstill. After the morning I’d almost taken things too far, I’d avoided nighttime visits to her room. I wanted her too much, and my willpower was weak when it came to her. Every touch and kiss from her made it harder to keep my resolve to wait.
“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?”
I rubbed my jaw and apologized again. “I’m sorry, Chris. I have a lot on my mind these days.”
“I know. May I offer some advice?”
I nodded.
“I don’t know what it’s like to be bonded, but I can tell when two people are crazy about each other. I can also tell when my best friend is miserable. Go to her and tell her how you feel.”
I scowled at my coffee mug. “You think I haven’t thought about doing that. She’s not ready. She’s –”
“She’s eighteen.”
“I know how old she is.”
“No. I mean that despite everything she’s been through, Sara’s an eighteen-year-old who’s probably never been in love before. I guarantee she’s a hell of a lot more confused about all of this than you are. And scared.”
“Scared?” I knew she was shy about intimacy, but scared?
He gave me a grave smile. “Her mother abandoned her when she was a child. I don’t care what Sara says about Madeline, something like that leaves a mark on a person. And then her father was taken from her. I’d be afraid to love someone if that happened to me.”
“That’s even more reason not to push her and to let her come to me when she’s sure.”
He sighed. “Did you ever think she might be afraid to say it first, that she’s waiting for you?”
I had no answer because the thought hadn’t ever occurred to me. I’d been so focused on giving her time and letting her set the pace of our relationship that I hadn’t considered she might be waiting for me. Was it possible? Had I been reading her wrong this whole time?
My mind immediately went back over the last month, trying to remember every conversation, every look from her. There had been a few times when it felt like she wanted to tell me something, but I’d thought I’d imagined it. Could she have been trying to open up to me?
Chris shook his head. “Listen, if there’s one thing I know about you two, it’s that you care deeply for each other. And that you’re both stubborn as hell. Okay, maybe I know two things.”
“Is there a point in there somewhere?”
“What I’m trying to say is you both want each other, and neither of you is going to say it first. You need to stop holding back and tell that girl how you feel – for everyone’s sake. I can’t stand to see you two like this.”
* * *
Work kept me at the command center that night, as it had for most of the week. In the last month, vampires had been attacking Mohiri warriors across the country at an alarming rate. Strongholds had beefed up security, fearful of an attack like the one on Westhorne in early December. Family compounds were the most vulnerable, and some were sending their younger children to strongholds overseas.
I was never so glad to live in a house with faerie protections. I couldn’t have done my job properly if I was worried about Sara’s safety all day long.
The next morning, Chris and Jordan left just after dawn for San Francisco, and I spent the better part of the day working. I’d planned to have dinner alone with Sara at the house since Chris and Jordan weren’t expected back until tomorrow. But we had three teams out on jobs, which meant fewer of us to monitor them.
When Raoul offered to do a food run, I knew my dinner plans would have to be put on hold. But there was no reason why Sara couldn’t join us at the command center like she’d been doing almost every day.
I knocked on her bedroom door, and she called for me to come in. Opening the door, I smiled at the sight of her sitting cross-legged on the bed, surrounded by books and papers. I wondered what she was up to. She hated being idle and didn’t seem to care much for TV, something we had in common.
“Do you want to come next door with me instead of spending the evening here alone? Raoul is ordering from that Italian place you like.”
Her face lit up. “That sounds awesome.”
She moved to get up, and a cat meowed. I walked to the bed, looking at the black and gray tabby I hadn’t noticed on her lap. Something about the animal looked familiar –
“Is that the cat you had back in Maine?”
She touched the cat’s head. “Yes, his name is Oscar.”
“How did your cat get here?” I’d been so busy the last week she’d probably told me someone was sending her cat and I’d forgotten.
“Eldeorin took me to the apartment today and I brought Oscar back with me.”
“He did what?”
A chill went through me. I had to have heard her wrong. There was no way Eldeorin would take her to Maine where she’d almost died at the hands of vampires.
“It was safe, Nikolas,” she said in a rush. “Eldeorin was with me and I didn’t go outside.”
Safe? Nate had been turned in that apartment, which meant the Master knew about it and was probably watching it somehow. She’d been taken from there once and I’d almost lost her.
My Mori growled furiously at the thought of our mate in danger, and my voice rose along with my anger. “What the hell is wrong with him? He knows New Hastings is not safe for you.”
She laid the cat aside and stood on the other side of the bed.
“Is any place safe for me? Other than here where I’m surrounded by Faerie wards, is there any place I can go and be safe? It’s a dangerous world for everyone now, not just me.”
“Everyone else’s safety is not my concern.”
“And everyone else doesn’t have built-in vampire radar or power like mine. I’m not defenseless, Nikolas, far from it. I’ve killed more vampires than most trainees do before they become warriors. I’m not saying I’m invincible, just that I’m a lot stronger than you think I am.”
“I know you’re strong, Sara. Khristu!” I raked a hand through my hair, not wanting to think about all the vampires she’d had to kill since I met her. “But we’re not talking about a few vampires looking for you. A Master wants you dead. Every time I think about that, it makes me want to forget my promise and take you far away from here.”
Her anger faded, and she came around the bed to stand in front of me. She laid her hands on my chest as if she knew her touch was exactly what I needed.
“There is always going to be some vampire or demon that wants us dead because of what we are. They’ve been trying for a while now, but we’re still here. I have no plans to go anywhere. Do you?”
“God, I wish it was that easy.” I took her shoulders in my hands, wishing there was a way to make her understand what I was trying to protect her from. “Even with all the things you’ve seen, you still have no idea how much evil is out there and how bad it can get. And I don’t want you to ever have to see that.”
She opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again. “About that. There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”
The second the words were out of her mouth, my phone rang. I didn’t want to answer it because her expression said she was about to share something important with me. A glance at the screen told me it was Raoul, and he wouldn’t call unless it was important.
I gave her an apologetic look as I put the phone to my ear. “Nikolas here.”
“Nikolas, we’ve got trouble in San Francisco. Chris’s team got hit by a bunch of gulaks at the wrakk.”
I swore silently and kept my expression neutral, not wanting to alarm Sara. “When?”
“Just a few minutes ago. They’re in some kind of standoff now. You want me to take some guys and head up there?”
“No, I’ll be there in five minutes. Tell Elijah to assemble his team.” I wasn’t worried about Chris. He could handle himself. But I’d sent Jordan out today. If anything happened to her on her first job, I didn’t think Sara or I would forgive me.
“What’s wrong?” Sara asked when I hung up.
“One of our teams called in and said they ran into some trouble,” I said calmly. “I’m going to take another team to back them up. It’s nothing you have to worry about.”
“What team?”
I shook my head. “Sara, you don’t have to worry about it.”
Panic filled her eyes, and she clutched my arm tightly. “What team, Nikolas?”
“Chris’s team.”
Her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh God. We have to help them.”
“We will,” I said confidently. I lifted her chin so her eyes met mine. “Chris knows what he’s doing and he’ll keep Jordan safe. Raoul said they are pinned down, but no one is hurt. They’ll be okay.”
She was quiet for a moment, and her normally expressive face was impossible to read. “Go,” she burst out. “Do what you need to do.”
I kissed her forehead. “I’ll call you when I find them.”
She and I would resume our talk when I got back, and this time I’d make sure there were no interruptions.
Five minutes later, I was on the Ducati, heading north to San Francisco with Elijah’s team following in an SUV. My mind wanted to go in two separate directions. I forced myself to focus on the most important thing now, which was the team’s situation and the best way to handle it when I got there.
The San Francisco wrakk – or demon marketplace – was located near the waterfront in a nondescript, two-story brick building. I parked my bike out of sight and walked toward the building, ignoring the wind and rain that lashed at me. Elijah’s team was ten minutes behind me, having gotten stuck in a traffic jam that I’d maneuvered around. I couldn’t wait for them. Gulaks were impatient and violent, and they weren’t going to wait around in a standoff for long.
I’d been to a lot of wrakks over the years, and they were all laid out pretty much the same – rows of stalls selling everything from food to clothes to medicines and glamours. They were one of the few places demonkind could assemble in public and socialize, and they were heavily warded to keep humans away. They didn’t like the Mohiri hanging around either, but they tolerated us. For the most part. Apparently, this wasn’t one of those times.
I rounded the corner, and my first indication that something was going down inside was a small vrell demon family huddled by the side of the building. The male, female, and two children wore hats to cover their horns, but I knew what they were right away.
When they saw me, they shied away, moving to the other end of the building, making me think of Sara’s comment about the Mohiri being like boogeymen to demons. Funny how I never realized that before, yet she had seen it after only a week of exposure to them. And then she’d scolded me for it.
Thinking about Sara, I smiled and raised my hand in a nonthreatening manner as I approached the demons. It was better to find out exactly what the situation was inside the building before I went in.
I stopped in my tracks as my Mori began to flutter. What the –?
Backing up a step, I looked at the main door to the building. The fluttering grew stronger.
“That’s not possible.”
Solmi, my demon whispered.
Confusion and a mounting sense of foreboding had me yanking the door open with more force than necessary. The door slammed against the wall, loudly announcing my arrival as I entered the building.
I sucked in a sharp breath when her presence surrounded me. My heart sped up and my throat felt dry as I strode through the mass of demons that scurried out of my way. I scanned the large room, even as my mind argued there was no way Sara could be here, no matter what my Mori was telling me.
The crowd parted and I spotted Chris standing in the middle of the room, wearing an uneasy expression that created a sinking feeling deep in my gut. Behind him, dead gulaks littered the floor, too many to count in a single glance.
“Chris, what the hell is going on here? And why do I feel –?”
Someone moved behind Chris, and I watched in stunned silence as Sara stepped into view.
Dressed in black, she had her hair in a ponytail, but a few strands hung around her face as if they’d been pulled free in a fight.
Blood roared in my ears as the weight of what I was seeing punched me square in the gut.
Chris raised an arm protectively in front of Sara. “Take it easy, Nikolas. She’s unharmed.”
In the back of my mind, I knew my best friend was trying to protect his cousin. All my Mori saw was a male trying to keep us from our mate. Red spots floated before my eyes.
“Move, Chris.”
“Shit,” he muttered, standing his ground.
Sara pushed his arm out of the way. She stepped around him to stand several feet away from me, just out of my reach.
Defiant eyes met mine. “Nikolas.”
Her lack of fear and the fact that she looked unharmed were the only things keeping my demon in check. But if I didn’t touch her soon, I was going to lose control.
I held out my hand. “Come here.”
“Listen, I know you’re upset, but you don’t get to order me around,” she said.
I breathed through my nostrils, fighting to calm myself. “Sara, I’m trying very hard not to lose it. I need to…”
Understanding lit her eyes. Without another word, she came to me, and I wrapped my arms tightly around her. The moment her soft body pressed against mine, my Mori quieted and the rage flowed out of me.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked harshly when I could speak again.
She inhaled deeply. “I came to help Chris and Jordan.”
“Help them?” I asked dumbly, still torn between shock and anger and relief she was unhurt.
“I didn’t think you’d get here in time.” Her words were muffled against my chest. “I had to come.”
I loosened my arms so I could see her. “How did you get here?”
The answer hit me before she spoke, and my anger came roaring back as I scanned the room for the faerie. “I’ll kill him.”
Her chin lifted. “No, you won’t.”
My gaze swung back to her. “The hell I won’t. He’s supposed to be teaching you, not putting you in danger.”
She pulled away from me, and I let my arms fall to my sides. I thought she was going to put distance between us, but she stayed within arm’s reach and met my gaze unflinchingly.
“I asked him to bring me.”
“And he should have said no. You could have been killed.” I knew Eldeorin was a bit outlandish, but I never believed he would endanger her this way.
“Look around, Nikolas.” Her voice rose, and she waved her arm at the dead gulaks. “Most of the demons on the floor were put there by me. The team was in more danger of being killed than I was.”
I glanced at the carnage around us, counting at least eight large gulaks and a drex demon. “You did this?”
“Yes.” She crossed her arms. “And it’s not the first time.”
“What do you mean?”
I already knew about the demons at Draegan’s place. Had she not told me everything that had happened while we were separated?
Her eyes locked with mine. “I mean I’ve killed a lot of demons and vampires. All over the country.”
I stared at the dead gulaks, all of which were three times her size. And deadly. My gaze moved to Chris who gave me a small nod, his mouth set in a firm line.
“Iisus Khristos! Please, tell me you’re joking,” I said harshly.
She shook her head slowly. “I wouldn’t joke about that.”
“Ya ne mogu v eto poverit’!” I burst out, my stomach churning just imagining the risks she’d taken. All the times I’d thought she was safe at Eldeorin’s, he was taking her out and exposing her to the very things I was fighting to protect her from.
I gripped her arms. “What in God’s name were you thinking? Do you have any idea what could have happened to you out there?”
“I wasn’t alone. Eldeorin was with me every time,” she argued.
“And that makes it okay? You’ve barely begun your training. You have no business being in any of those places.”
She glared at me. “You had no problem with Jordan coming here.”
“Jordan’s been training since she could hold a sword, and she can –”
“Can what? Defend herself?” Her face flushed in anger, but there was no mistaking the hurt in her voice. “I’m never going to be like Jordan or any other warrior no matter how much I train, Nikolas. But I’m strong, a lot stronger than you give me credit for. You saw what I did in Vancouver. Eldeorin was with me, but over half of those kills were mine.”
Vancouver? But that would mean…
Who are you?
A friend.
“Sukin syn! That was you in the backyard?”
She’d stood fifteen feet away from me, and I hadn’t sensed her presence or recognized her. Of course – Eldeorin and his goddamn glamours.
“Yes.”
I thought about all the reports of the mysterious vigilante who seemed to appear out of nowhere and killed with a weapon we hadn’t seen before. A Fae weapon, as it turned out.
“All this time. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I knew you’d react this way. Eldeorin told me I had to learn to use my power as a weapon, and he was right. I needed this.” Her voice lowered. “I’ve been trying for weeks to tell you the truth, but I didn’t know how. I almost told you today, but you got the call to come here.”
I remembered the occasions she’d been with us at the command center when we’d discussed the vigilante. She’d never said a word or had given any hint she knew who the person was. After everything we’d been through, she should have been able to tell me anything. Did she not trust me at all?
She exhaled slowly. “It started out as training, but then I realized I could make a real difference.”
I released her, not sure what to think or how to feel. “I can’t believe this. How could you keep this from me?”
Her voice grew softer, imploring. “I didn’t want to. I hated not telling you.”
I turned away from her because her pleading eyes made it impossible to think.
“Nikolas?” she said quietly.
“I need a minute, Sara,” I replied more harshly than I meant to. I had to put some space between us before I said something in anger that I couldn’t take back.
She didn’t follow or call after me when I left the building and let the heavy door slam shut behind me. Outside, the rain and wind had picked up, a perfect accompaniment to the turbulence inside me. I set off down the street with no destination in mind, just the need to walk. It wasn’t as if I could go far. I was furious with her and my chest ached from her deception, and yet all I could see was the tears shimmering in her eyes before I left.
Sara is the vigilante.
Maybe if I said the words enough I’d accept them. Maybe then I could accept that the woman I loved, the person I’d lived with in the same house for months, had kept something so important from me. It made me question everything about us, about her. She knew how much I worried about her safety. Why would she do this?
Because she knew you’d never think she was ready, a tiny voice whispered in my head.
I tried to ignore it, but it got louder and more insistent. How many times since I met her had I told her she needed to be protected? How many times had I said she wasn’t strong enough to protect herself? And how many times had she told me she didn’t want to be coddled and she couldn’t live like that?
Eldeorin had told me weeks ago that I judged Sara’s fighting skills by Mohiri standards and that I had no idea how strong she really was. I’d watched some of her training with Aine from a distance, so I knew her power was not something to take lightly. I’d just never thought she’d advanced this far.
I’d seen some of the vigilante’s kills and heard the stories about her fighting skills. I’d talked to warriors who might have died in recent vampire attacks if the vigilante hadn’t shown up out of nowhere to fight beside them.
I stopped walking and turned back toward the building. Releasing a ragged breath, I wondered what really upset me more: Sara keeping this from me, or that she’d been out there fighting vampires, and demons, and God only knew what else. If Jordan had turned out to be the vigilante and the one keeping secrets from us, would I have reacted this way?
I didn’t need to think about it for long to come up with the answer.
The truth was I knew Sara was strong, and I’d known the night of the attack on Westhorne she’d one day be a force to be reckoned with. But I’d also been happy to keep her tucked away at Eldeorin’s the last few months, where I could do my job and not have to fear for her safety. I’d told her it wasn’t safe out here, and yet I’d been okay with sending a trainee out into the field.
Because Jordan’s not my mate.
And there was the crux of this whole situation. Sara was my mate, and it was impossible for me to separate logic from emotion when it came to her. No matter how good a fighter she was or how well she could defend herself, my heart and my Mori couldn’t see past the need to protect her. If anything happened to her, life would cease to have meaning for me.
I grimaced as I arrived back at the door of the building. Now that I’d admitted the truth to myself, where did that leave Sara and me? I would not lose her over this, but I didn’t know how we were going to move past it.
I opened the door and entered the building more quietly this time. I tried not to look at the dead demons, but my eyes went to them anyway. I pictured Sara being mauled by a gulak or drex demon. And then I thought about what Draegan had planned to do to her before I’d killed him. Fear twisted my gut, and my Mori grew agitated again.
Everyone was pretty much where I’d left them. Sara watched me approach and drew her shoulders up as if steeling herself for the worst.
“Just tell me you’re done with this,” I said when I stood in front of her.
She frowned. “Done?”
“No more rogue…vigilante…or whatever.” I understood her need to fight and to help others, but I didn’t know how to deal with the thought of her going off alone.
She took a breath. “What if this is what I’m supposed to do, just like you’re supposed to be a warrior?”
“It’s too dangerous,” I replied without thinking.
“It’ll always be dangerous, Nikolas,” she shot back. “I was there in Vancouver, remember? You and Chris put your lives in danger all the time. Soon Jordan will be a warrior and she will too. Are you going to hold her back and tell her it’s too dangerous for her?”
“Khristu!” I dragged my hand through my hair. I was saying all the wrong things again, and my Mori wasn’t helping. All it wanted was to protect our mate no matter how good a warrior she was. “I don’t want to hold you back, but every instinct I have is telling me I need to keep you safe.”
I waited for her to be angry, to yell at me. I deserved it after the way I’d spoken to her. What I didn’t expect was the look of total defeat that crossed her face.
“I understand,” she said tonelessly as she turned away.
I’d never seen her like this, and it sent a cold shiver across the back of my neck. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going home,” she replied without looking back. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Can’t do what?” I asked, alarmed by the sudden change in her.
“Love you.”
The words were whispered so softly that for a second I thought I’d imagined them.
My heart thudded as I caught her hand and gently pulled her back around to face me. She wouldn’t look at me, so I lifted her chin until I could see her tear-filled eyes.
“You love me?” I asked in a raw voice.
Her tears spilled over.
“Yes.”
