not that big of a deal. You can face him again and not die of embarrassment.
But what if he regrets almost kissing me?
I can’t believe we almost kissed. I was so lost in him that I forgot to be nervous. When Sienna interrupted us, my entire body deflated. That’s never happened to me before. I mean… I’ve only ever been comfortable enough to get off when I’m alone. There’s this mental block when I’m around a guy, especially after my experience with Trevor.
Okay, let’s not go there at the moment. No need to relive that memory.
It’s a beautiful Sunday morning. I just need to go down there and pretend like nothing ever happened. Because technically, nothing did happen.
I get out of bed and throw on a pair of jean shorts and a floral, flowy tank top. Then, as I make my way from my room to the kitchen, I realize there’s no one around. My tense muscles release themselves.
As I make myself a cup of coffee, I grab my yogurt out of the fridge and sit down at the island. Despite walking on eggshells half the time with Gabe and not knowing what the hell is going on between us, I’ve come to love this house.
The decoration is so homey with warm brown and cream tones, and I appreciate that it isn’t all straight lines and muted colors like the latest trends. It feels like a cross between old Tuscany and classic elegance.
Just when I’m finishing up my coffee, the door to the garage opens, and Sienna runs in, giggling.
‘Alex! You’re awake! What took you so long?’ she asks as she barges into the kitchen.
I smile down at her from my stool. ‘It’s only nine, silly.’
‘We’ve been up since six-thirty,’ Gabe says as he walks in behind Sienna.
My body tenses back up as soon as I hear that deep voice of his. He’s dressed in dark blue shorts and a gray t-shirt. His muscles poke out from the sleeves, and I’m nearly salivating.
Shit! Whatever energy was floating around between us last night is still there. I know he can sense it, too, because his eyes grow dark as they access me.
‘That’s pretty early.’ I try to disregard the sizzling sparks between us and look back at Sienna. ‘Did you sleep okay?’
‘I slept great! But I was sad you weren’t here to make me your pancakes this morning.’ She gives me a pouty face.
‘I’m sorry, sweetheart. We can make them together tomorrow.’
That seems to cheer her up, and she takes off for her bin of toys in the family room, leaving me and Gabe alone. I try to distract myself by standing up and washing my coffee mug in the sink, feeling his eyes on me the whole time. I sneak a glance over my shoulder, and he is leaning against the island, staring at me while he rubs his jaw.
‘Are you just going to stand there and watch me?’ I ask.
It looks like my words piss him off because his eyebrows draw together and his jaw clenches.
‘If you must know, I’m trying to figure out just how inappropriate my desire to have my way with you is,’ his cool tone states matter-of-factly.
Wetness pools in my panties.
Holy shit!
That’s so damn inappropriate to think, let alone say to me, but my body loves it. Am I equally messed up for wanting him to say more things like that to me?
‘What have you come up with?’ I hear myself say, not sure where my confidence to reply comes from.
‘I think I don’t give a shit if it’s inappropriate anymore. I’m hanging on by a thread trying to resist you.’
This man…this powerful, successful, intimidating man is trying to resist me?
I almost can’t believe it.
I drop my coffee mug in the sink and turn around, water still running. I’m biting my lip as we both stare at each other, our breaths coming quicker. He takes a step toward me, closing the distance. My heart is beating erratically as I wait to see what he’ll do.
Is he going to kiss me this time?
When we’re only inches apart, his hand reaches for mine by my side. Our fingers lace together as our eyes never waiver.
‘I bet those lips of yours taste better than any wine I’ve ever had,’ he whispers.
I close my eyes as I let his words wash all over my body. The way this man makes me feel, it’s like my past never existed.
‘The way you talk about wine…’ I start as I slowly open my eyes. ‘Sometimes I can’t tell whether you’re talking about sex or wine.’
He smiles. ‘Wine and sex go well together.’
Sienna’s laughter rings through the room, reminding us that we’re not alone. Gabriel reluctantly releases my hand before he steps away. The loss of his warmth leaves me feeling cold and…lonely.
‘I should go join Sienna,’ he tells me.
I nod my head.
He stands there for a second before he shakes his head and walks away.
Was that regret? Frustration? I’m not quite sure, but it leaves me confused.
I manage to sneak away upstairs to grab my things, desperately needing to get out of the house for the afternoon. I drive to the North Chagrin Reservation Loop and decide on a whim to run the seven-mile trail. I always have a bag of workout clothes packed in my trunk, just in case.
The trail is beautiful and gives me time to think. I’m a month into my time with Sienna and Gabe, which means I only have one month left. If I let something happen between us, am I going to be able to walk away? Is that what he would want?
Would I trust him enough to let something happen between us?
I think back to the last time I had sex four years ago. Trevor and I had dated on and off since my sophomore year of high school. I was too young to give him my virginity, and he was fine with it since we did other things.
Then, we both went to Ohio State together and one night, I decided to finally go through with it. After a couple of times, the pain began to subside, and I was feeling less and less afraid to have sex, but I was far from feeling comfortable or confident in the bedroom. So many thoughts were running through my head.
Am I doing it right? How am I compared to other girls he’s been with? Do I smell okay down there? Do I look fat? Is he having a good time? What does he want me to be doing right now?
The thoughts were endless, and it left me feeling stiff and unsure.
I’m not sure if that’s what made the sex so…blah, but it just wasn’t what I was expecting.
That night, after we had sex, Trevor was being pretty short and snappy with me. I wasn’t sure what I’d done, so I guess I asked him one too many times if anything was wrong, and he finally snapped.
‘I’m fucking fine, Alex. Leave me alone. Gosh, you’re lucky I’m even putting up with you anymore. At first, it was waiting two years to have sex. Now that we’re having it, you’re like a fucking dead fish. It’s boring as hell. You know, a normal girl would enjoy it. Make some kind of noise or move…or something!’
I kicked him out of my dorm and out of my life that night, but that doesn’t mean his words weren’t going to play in my mind over and over every time I got close to having sex again. In the end, I was too afraid to do it again and risk someone else thinking I suck at it.
Maybe something is wrong with me. Why wasn’t it enjoyable for me? The whole experience was just…disappointing. It left me feeling broken and stupid.
I’ve never told anyone about it, not even Alicia.
I was too scared to hear someone validate Trevor’s words. Someone else to tell me I was messed up for not finding it enjoyable. How do other people turn those thoughts off during sex and just feel?
Halfway through my run, I come across Squire’s Castle, which apparently used to be an old gatehouse in the eighteen-nineties. I spend some time walking around before finishing my run, then I pick up lunch and stop to eat at another park since it’s such a beautiful day.
When I get home, I’m able to sneak back into the house. I take a shower and decide to relax and do a bit of Netflix binging for the rest of the day.
I’m two hours into some murder mystery show when I hear a knock on the door.
‘Come in,’ I yell, thinking Gabe will be walking in to tell me he’s ordered food or something.
I’m not expecting Mia to stroll in with an older woman following behind her.
I sit up in my bed, feeling weirdly lazy for being caught lounging around.
‘Hi, Mia,’ I smile.
‘Hi, Alex! It’s so nice to see you again,’ she replies.
‘This is my mom, Patricia.’
‘Hello, dear. I’m sorry to bother you on your day off. I just wanted to come meet the woman my little Sienna is rambling on and on about.’
The energy Patricia gives off instantly puts me at ease, like there isn’t a mean bone in her body.
‘That’s so sweet of her. She’s a special little girl. I’ve really enjoyed my time with her,’ I tell them.
Both of their eyes light up at my words.
‘You should come downstairs and join us. We brought over some pizza and are just hanging out outside for the evening,’ Mia says.
I’m already thinking up an excuse when Patricia hits me with her words.
‘Please. I would just love to spend some time with the woman who’s stolen Sienna’s heart. It’s been so hard not having her around. I’ve been feeling down lately, but seeing her so happy just makes me feel so much better.’
Well, what kind of person would say no to that?
I give her my brightest smile. ‘I would love to join you. Thank you so much for the offer. Let me get freshened up, and I’ll meet you downstairs.’
As I put on some makeup and change into a casual summer dress, I try to calm my nerves. I still haven’t figured out what the hell to do about this growing attraction between Gabe and me, and now I have to go face his family. What if they all see through my façade, right down to the innocent nanny who can’t get her boss out of her mind? I’ve never been so…pent-up before.
The arousal he pulls from me is unmatched. It’s so intense and loud that I may need to take care of myself tonight.
